


This thing inside

by Lakritzwolf



Category: The Almighty Johnsons
Genre: Family, Flashbacks to past abuse, Hurt/Comfort, Mention of substance abuse, Mentions of past abuse, Multi, Near Death Experiences, Romance, Suicide Attempt, Supernatural Elements, mention of rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-10
Updated: 2015-09-03
Packaged: 2018-04-03 20:33:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 105,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4114048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lakritzwolf/pseuds/Lakritzwolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gaia used those words to describe what she felt was a demonic possession; what becoming Idun’s vessel had done to her. It had made her do things she resented herself for and in the end, destroyed every chance of happiness she had.</p><p>Anders being Anders, no one could imagine, and would hardly believe, that he had felt as helpless and abused; partly because he had been lying about how much the whole disaster had truly affected him and partly because he had avoided the issue.</p><p>Two years have passed since the Gahr and the Johnson brothers have more or less adjusted to their new lives. When events that seem too strange to be chance brings Gaia and the Johnson clan together again, especially the three of them, Axl, Anders and Gaia, need to confront their ghosts of the past. </p><p>And it seems that the gods have not left them behind completely, either.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I know my head, I know my feet

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DrakkHammer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrakkHammer/gifts).



> My first foray into the TAJ fandom.  
> I have so many ideas in my head that it’s positively cluttered but I’m sure not everything makes it into the story. But if you have something you wouldn’t mind reading about let me know and I see if I can maybe incorporate it, and together, we make our own season 4.

* * *

Anders hadn’t eaten any strawberries since he’d been nine years old.

_The heat of sunshine tickling the back of his neck, the blades of grass tickling his knees. Before him the bed of strawberry plants, each dotted red with fruits. Big, heavy, ripe strawberries, warm from the sun and each an explosion of sweet on his tongue. If they wouldn’t be picked today, they’d go to waste, and mum never did any picking. Just another one, and he’d go inside and get a bowl. Or maybe another..._

_“Anders! Whatcha doing, scoundrel? Where are you?”_  
_The sweetness of the strawberries vanished. “I’m here dad...” He got up and turned around, meeting his father’s disapproving, angry glare._  
_“What is this?” An accusing finger pointing at the bed beside him. “What is this?”_  
_“I was just...”_  
_“Yeah, what? Stealing from your mother’s garden?”_  
_“I wasn’t stealing, dad! I was just trying if they’d be ripe for picking!”_  
_“Testing, eh? And how many did you... test?”_  
_“Just four or five, dad...”_  
_“And you expect me to believe that?”_  
_“But it weren’t more, honestly!”_

_The slap on his face didn’t hurt nearly as much as the fact that he was accused of lying when he had spoken the truth. The sweet flavour of strawberries had gone sour and bitter in his mouth._

_They had the strawberries for desert that night. A big bowl of strawberries with custard._

_“Anders doesn’t get any,” his father said. “He stole his share already.”_

_He knew that nothing he said would sway his father. He looked at his mother, but she sighed and the bowl passed him by. Mike and Ty had most likely never enjoyed strawberries with custard so much, hmm-ing and aah-ing and ooh-ing about how sweet and delicious they were. Anders stared at his empty plate._

Anders hated strawberries.

But watching Dawn and Ty with the platter of cupcakes smelling of vanilla and custard topped with strawberries, the way they smiled and invited him to try one, it was Dawn’s birthday after all...

“They look delicious, but I’m afraid I’m allergic to strawberries.” He managed a smile.  
Dawn’s face fell. “Oh Anders I’m so sorry! If I’d know that I’d have brought you something else.”  
“Don’t worry.” Anders opened his mailbox and waved his left hand. “You go and enjoy them.”  
“Since when are you allergic to strawberries?” Ty crossed his arms. “That’s the first time I hear about it.”  
Anders stared at his screen for a few more seconds before meeting his brother’s eyes. “Strawberries isn’t usually a topic in our conversations, Ty.”  
“But you used to...”

“Look.” Anders folded his hands on his desk. “The truth is, I don’t like strawberries. At all. But if I say so, people will pester me with things like: come on, just try this, it’s great, it’ll change your mind, blah blah blah, but if I tell them I’m allergic they leave me the fuck alone, okay? Sorry. I don’t like strawberries. And now off with you two for a coffee.”

His eyes were back at the screen and Dawn and Ty exchanged a more or less confused look. Ty shrugged and picked up the plate.

“See you later,” Dawn offered.  
“Nah.” Anders waved absentmindedly. “It’s your birthday. Take your stuff and get out of here. See you tomorrow.”  
“Thanks, Anders!” Dawn beamed and quickly gathered her jacket and bag. “See you tomorrow.”  
“Oh, Dawn?” Anders looked past the screen.  
“Yes?”  
“Don’t forget your flowers.” He winked and vanished behind his laptop again. 

Dawn shook her head with a smile, took the enormous bouquet Anders had brought for her that morning and they left the office.

“Do you think we should come by with another cake?” Dawn adjusted her bag. “Maybe chocolate?”  
Ty shrugged. “I don’t know. With Anders, he probably doesn’t like cake at all. Dope cookies maybe, but not cake.”  
Dawn suppressed a snort. “I’m not going anywhere near those, ever again.”  
Ty smiled as he draped an arm around her shoulder. “About that coffee...”  
“Yes?” Dawn looked up with a smile, having caught Ty’s suggestive undertone.  
“Since you don’t have to be back at work and I’m on leave today, how about we take that coffee at my place?”  
“Sounds good to me.” 

* * *

Anders swept into the office the next morning with his usual grace.

“Morning Dawn! How was your birthday party?” He picked up a few letters on her desk and leafed through them.  
“Oh, it wasn’t much of a party, really. Just Ty and me and a few friends.”  
Anders looked up. “But you did get a birthday screw, didn’t you?”  
Dawn looked up with a sigh. Not that she hadn’t actually expected exactly that question. “That’s not really any business of yours, Anders.”  
“Why?” Anders dropped the letters and walked to his desk. “You’re my employee, and I have to make sure you are happy. Good business practise, really. So, did you get a birthday screw? Because if not, I might have to take a...”  
“Anders!”  
“Dawn, you hurt me.” Anders shook his head. “I meant to say I have to have a heart to heart with Ty about neglecting you. Honestly, I wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole... no offence... I’ve gotten in to far more trouble than it was worth when I accidentally jumped one of my brothers’ girls.”

Anders flopped down in his chair. “Anything new today?”  
Dawn shook her head and looked at her note pad. “Yes, we have two possible contracts coming up, I’ve forwarded them to you. One is a company that produces carpet cleaning products and the other makes organic breakfast cereals.”  
“Organic breakfast cereals.” Anders looked at the screen. “Are those the guys that name themselves ‘ _Earth’s Bounty_ ’?”  
“Yes, they are.”

Anders scrolled through the text. “Carpet shampoo. How many different types of carpet shampoo does anyone need?”  
“Well apparently we’ve all been doing it wrong until now,” Dawn replied. “Or so it seems.”  
“We could use exactly that for the campaign, you know that?” Anders grinned at her. “We’ve been doing it wrong!”  
“You think that’s a good idea?”  
“Nah.” He frowned back at his screen. “Probably not. Anything else?”  
“Not business related. But did you read today’s paper yet?”  
“Nope, why?”

Dawn got up and placed the paper on his desk. “It happened again.”

The headline on page one proclaimed in big bold letters that the Auckland Fiend had struck again.

“They’ve named him?” Anders shook his head as he skimmed the article. “These idiots from the press are encouraging the guy.”  
“Dawn shrugged. “Maybe. In any case, the police are now collecting in any CCTV footage they can get their hands on.”  
“Send them ours.” Anders looked up, “We do have a cam, don’t we?”  
“We do, but it runs through a security company.”  
“Then let them know they can have ours, for what it’s worth.”  
“Will do.”

Dawn went back to her desk to make the necessary phone calls while Anders put the paper aside. The Auckland Fiend. And if that didn’t actually encourage the messed-up bastard himself it would certainly encourage copycats. Or attempts at those. 

Shaking his head, Anders looked back at his screen. Wouldn’t this be a great opportunity to use the God of Hunting to find the Fiend? Instead of hunting down wayward brothers using hunting down a serial rapist? Oh right, Ullr was gone. Just like all the others. No help from the gods in this case. Too bad the bastard hadn’t shown up two years ago. But the gods had fucked off and humans were on their own. 

Anders didn’t like to dwell on the thought of gods.  
Instead, he heaved an angry sigh and forced his mind into focus. Carpet shampoo, sponges, brushes and other cleaning gear. Keep your carpet as clean as your... as your...  
Chewing on his pencil, a habit he’d never been able to shed, Anders leaned back in his chair and narrowed his eyes.

* * *

That night, the Johnson brothers met in Mike’s bar. After the renovation had been finished, he’d actually had the nerves to call the place Asgard, but the concept worked and the place was usually packed, apart from Monday nights where there was mostly family in. 

When Anders arrived, only Mike and Olaf where there, however, but Michelle, Ingrid and Stacey were sitting at a table in the corner bent over a paper.

“Hey, bro, taken the night off?” Mike shoved a beer at Anders.  
“Taken the night off what?”  
“Fiending.” Mike exchanged a look with Olaf and both snorted. 

Anders rolled his eyes. “Do I look like a six foot four guy to you?”  
“No, but who knew you were so desperate to get laid that you’d try walking on stilts?”  
Anders took a sip of beer. “Keep talking like that and you’ll have the police knocking on my door checking me up and then I tell them about Olaf being that tall.”

“Hey, guys, can you please not make jokes about this?” Ingrid asked mildly chastising them with a frown. “This is no laughing matter! The last poor girl died in the hospital of internal injuries!”  
“Didn’t Anders always say he’s hung like a warlord?” Olaf gave Anders a wide-eyed look. “Impaling them now, are you?”  
Anders couldn’t even be bothered to think of a snarky reply any more. He just took a sip of beer and leaned against the bar. 

The door opened again.

“Look who’s finally showing his precious face again!” Olaf slammed his empty bottle down and hurried to meet Axl in an awkward embrace. “Cousin! Haven’t seen you in ages! And who’s that beautiful woman at your side?”  
Axl smiled embarrassedly and took the girl’s hand. “That’s Sheila.”  
Sheila, a small and lithe girl who looked almost tiny next to Axl, smiled up at Olaf. “Hi. How’s the view from up there?”

“Welcome to Asgard, home of the gods,” Olaf intoned with a grin, swaying only slightly.  
“Olaf, you’re drunk.” Axl smiled nervously at his girl. “What would you like?”  
“Oh I don’t know.” Sheila seemed more amused about Olaf's introduction that Axl. “Don’t gods in Asgard drink mead?”  
“The finest,” Mike said and took one of the stone bottles from under the counter. His place had a reputation, after all. “Here, try it.”

Anders made the mistake of looking at Axl’s new girl. Because the moment Axl noticed Anders’s look he stepped into his line of sight and glared at him.

“Hey, bro.” He leaned onto the counter in a way that forced Anders to drop his head back to be able to look at him.  
“Evening.” Anders saluted him with his bottle. “Congratulations, too.”  
Axl continued to glare  
“I’m on my best behaviour,” Anders assured him with a smirk. 

Axl snorted under his breath and made sure to stand between him and Sheila for the rest of the evening. 

As if he was going to make a habit out of it.


	2. And heroes don't come easy

* * *

That night Anders was unable to find rest; he kept tossing in his bed, his mind churning with all sorts of unpleasant memories. His hands sliding across the silk and satin bed sheets, the most luxurious material he had been able to get his hands on, brought back memories of both his father and his teacher telling him he would never be more than a cleaner of toilets, or maybe a waiter in a shabby fast food take away.

The fact that he had proven them wrong and was able to indulge in almost everything that money could buy should have given him satisfaction, but the spot where there should have been recognition or appreciation was still hollow and not something Anders liked to dwell on.

It didn’t help that none of his brothers believed material wealth was something worth pursuing. Did that make him shallow? In their eyes, yes. But he cared, he truly did. He shared gladly, or would have, if they would only let him. But was that going to stop him? Fuck no.  
Being a snarky, womanizing bastard got him what he wanted, but being nice to his family was something he had given up on after all he had gotten was suspicious questions what his ulterior motives were, or jokes at his expense along the lines of: _Anders has gone softie on us._ Or better: _For once, Anders has done the right thing._

Tossing and rearranging himself on his back he took a deep breath and draped one arm across his face. Pathetic little wimp who would never get a woman into his bed unless he paid for her service. Well, becoming Bragi had certainly taken care of that, but even without his aid Anders still fared fairly well if not nearly as successful as he would have liked.  
Precious few lays and not all of them as satisfying as he would have liked for two years now. Two fucking years. He’d been practising his charms and pickup lines, but he had yet to become as desperate as to throw money around like some other guys. He clung to his vanity, telling himself he was far too handsome for that.

And did anyone blame Olaf for acting like a rabbit in March? No, it was endearing and maybe a little bit bothersome, occasionally annoying when he had gotten another girl pregnant. At least he himself hadn’t sired a spawn on every other woman in his bed. No, Olaf was just having fun, and Anders was a predator out hunting for blood. 

He dropped his arm, remembering the scathing look Axl had given him earlier tonight. That he still seemed to think that it had been Anders’ fault hurt him. It hurt even more to think that everyone still blamed him. As if he hadn’t done all he could in locking himself away in his flat, waiting for the storm to pass. And what had happened? It had been her showing up at his fucking door.

Anders had known he was fucked the moment he opened the door. Everything else after that had happened in a haze. Oh yes, his body had enjoyed what had been going on, but a part of him, that part Bragi hadn’t managed to shut down, had been appalled, horrified even, to be fucking his brother’s girlfriend. His brother’s fiancé.

Neither of them had been able to resist the pull. Neither of them could have stopped themselves. And to judge from her facial expression, she had felt as rotten as he himself had done. He hadn’t even acted consciously as he had sneaked into her bag to get her number. 

With an angry groan, Anders gave up on sleeping and sat up, running his hands through his hair and drooping forward. Fucking gods. Fucking Bragi taking over his body like a toy and breaking his baby brother’s heart. He wouldn’t have that happen for the life of him, and had been helpless to stop it. As had Gaia. And what stung most that everyone was blaming him. As if he had been chasing her. The contrary. He had tried. He had really tried. But he had failed, and that was all that mattered.

With another angry groan he pushed himself up and padded towards the kitchen. He opened his laptop on the table, thinking of maybe watching some porn and jerking off.  
He sighed, closed it again and made himself a sandwich instead, washing it down with vodka he drank straight from the bottle. It wasn’t the best remedy to sleep, but it would knock him out soon enough and while he knew he’d be even worse for wear tomorrow he didn’t care. Right now all he cared about was forgetting everything.

* * *

“Bad traffic?” Dawn didn’t even look up from shuffling her paperwork when Anders stomped past her into his office an hour late.

He didn’t grace her with an answer and flopped down in his chair, trying to ignore the throbbing in his temples. 

“The dog people have gotten back in touch,” Dawn said and handed in a stack of papers.  
Anders eyes these with crossed arms. “Dog people?”  
“Well, dog food people, to be precise. You remember? The ones with the tons of puppy pictures and videos?”  
Pinching the bridge of his nose, Anders let his breath escape him in a huff. “I had successfully managed to forget about them.”  
“Well they haven’t forgotten about us, I’m afraid. Are we accepting their terms?”

Anders finally took the paper and felt his eyebrows rise into his hairline.  
“What about the carpet shampoo?”  
“Haven’t come back to us yet.”  
“And the muesli guys?”  
“Same as yesterday.”

Anders dropped the paperwork. “Dog food and muesli.”  
Dawn just looked at him expectantly.  
“Dog food and muesli.” Anders made a shooing motion. “You know what to do.”  
Rolling her eyes a little, Dawn left and headed for her own desk where she started going through the necessary procedures. At one point, she lifted her head and saw Anders all but crouch in his chair, eyes pinched shut and rubbing his temples. She got up and shook her head.

Anders opened his eyes again when something was set in front of him. A glass, a cup and two little white pills. He lifted his eyes a little more.  
“Paracetamol and a coffee.” Dawn managed a tiny smile. “Welcome to the world of the living.”  
One of the corners of Anders’ mouth tugged upward. “Dawn, you’re an angel without wings.”  
“Yes, I know. No wings.” She cocked her eyebrows. “Flexible as I am that doesn’t stop me, and I just use a broomstick to fly instead.”

It took Anders a little in his state to get the joke.

* * *

Staying late to make up for the lost hour Anders was still staring at his screen, rearranging items on his screen to create something worth to be called an advert; but even if he knew that in his state everything he produced would be crap, he could at least use it as a mark where not to go tomorrow. Maybe pretend it was brainstorming.

It was already quite late when he finally left the office and decided he’d walk home instead of taking a taxi like he did in the morning because he had been too hung over to drive. The night was mild but being as it was only Tuesday not many people were out in the streets at this hour. Anders remembered the newspapers and the way they reported about the serial rapist that still roamed free and mused that he probably had something to do with the streets being so quiet.

Able to take a shortcut past the large parking deck on foot he didn’t think of anything particular when he heard a strange noise and moments later, something hit the ground before him. A phone to be precise. He went down into a crouch to pick it up and stared at the shattered screen before looking up to see where it had come from. He heard the sound again. A grunt, and a muffled squeal that sounded like someone trying to scream while being choked. 

“Shit.” Anders dropped the broken phone and tore his own out of his pocket. Police. Answer the fucking phone, people... Fiend. Parking deck behind the mall. Yeah, understood, do not engage. 

Do not engage. He looked up again and cursed under his breath as he sprinted up the ramp.

Anders wasn’t a hero. He wasn’t a brave, selfless knight in shining armour. He was even pretty sure he’d only end up in a pit full of shit up to his armpits or deeper. Fuck, he didn’t even have pepper spray or something, but he just couldn’t stand by and wait for the cops like that. 

Second storey and he was already out of breath. Then he heard it again. Rounding a corner he could see a hulk of a man dressed in black with a balaclava hiding his face pressing a half unconscious woman bodily against one of the concrete pillars while he choked her.

“Hey!” Much more bravado than he felt. “Hey!”

The man turned around and Anders could see the gleam of metal. He had a knife and didn’t even waste a second before coming at Anders like a tank. Acting purely on instinct Anders threw his briefcase at him that snapped open upon impact and spilled papers all over. It did nothing to stop him, but it did slow him down enough for Anders to slip past and grab the woman’s arm. 

She was dazed, but did her best to get going when Anders dragged her upright again. Running was difficult with the coughing woman who still hadn’t gotten her breath back and Anders didn’t waste time to look back over his shoulder. He could hear him gaining. And then he reached the railing. Dead End. 

He looked down into the back yard of the Thai takeaway he frequently used, and at a large collection of blue plastic bin bags. Ending up covered in half-rotten Thai food was better than getting stabbed in the back, even breaking a few limbs in the process was preferable, and dragging the woman with him, Anders jumped. 

They did land in the heap of bin bags, but Anders also hit the concrete wall with his head upon impact. The last thing he heard were the sirens of police cars, and his world went black.

* * *

When Anders came to, the first thing he realised was a vicious headache. The next thing were the sounds, beeping and people hurrying about, and then a familiar voice.

“Hey, you’re awake?” Mike’s voice.  
Anders opened his eyes and a white ceiling swam into focus. “The fuck happened? Where am I?”  
“Hospital, ER,” Mike replied. “Knocked your head against a concrete wall. You ain’t fucking Superman, you know.”  
Closing his eyes again Anders bit back a groan. “Keep reminding me.”  
“Hey.”  
He opened his eyes again and his brother’s face came into views.  
“What?”  
“Good job. The girl is unharmed and safe.”  
“Fireworks?”  
Mike chuckled. “In your head, Anders.”  
“Don’t know what I expected.”

Mike patted his hand. “I’m sure the newspaper guys will have your face all over page one tomorrow, calling you a hero.”  
“Did they at least catch the asshole?”  
Mike shook his head, his smile vanishing. “Afraid not. Bastard got away. Again.”  
“Not nearly hero enough, huh?”  
“You ain’t Superman, Anders.”  
“Yeah, you mentioned that. I noticed, as well. Would’ve been easier to punch the guy into next week and fly away with the girl cradled safely against my manly chest...”  
“Cut it,” Mike interrupted him, but with a grin. “I’m sure for the girl you’re more than Superman and all the Avengers together.”  
Anders closed his eyes with a snort. “Do me a favour?”  
“What is it?”  
“Get me something against the headache.”  
“On my way.”

It was only minutes later that Mike returned with a nurse and Ty and Axl in tow, the former accompanied by a very distraught looking Dawn. Anders enjoyed being fussed about; and the headache was already beginning to recede thanks to the painkillers. He could even sit up again, even if the nurse had told him to take it slow as he was concussed. Not that Anders planned on going anywhere right now with his headache. Sitting up was making him feel slightly dizzy, too.

When the nurse returned she checked Anders over and could inform him that the X-rays had come back and everything looked fine; apart from the cut that had needed stitching and the concussion he had come away unscathed. 

“There is someone here who wants to speak with you, Mr Johnson,” the nurse then said. “The young lady you saved.”  
“Glad she didn’t hit the wall as well.”  
“No, she got away with slight bruising and a shock, but she insisted she needs to talk to you.” She smiled. “I guess she just wants to thank her saviour.”

“See?” Anders leaned back with a satisfied grin. “Knight in shining Armour Anders Johnson, at your service.”

His wit left him, however, when the door opened again and the nurse pushed the young woman sitting in a hospital wheelchair into the room. 

She smiled shyly, but when she looked up, the silence thickened to a degree that you could have cut it into cubes and carried it outside. 

Anders felt the dizziness come back threefold and with a vengeance, and his only consolation was that Gaia looked as flabbergasted as he felt himself.


	3. You, me, we used to be on fire

* * *

Axl was the first to recover his wits. 

“Gaia? But... I thought you were in London?”  
Gaia looked at her lap, hands shaking and fingers intertwining. “I was,” she finally said. “I came back for the funeral.”  
“Funeral?” Axl exchanged a worried look with Mike who could only shrug.  
Gaia still didn’t look up. “My... Bryn. I got the news in London.”  
“I... Axl swallowed hard. “I’m sorry...”

Gaia finally looked up and shrugged, her mouth turning into a thin line. “I don’t really know....” She began after a moment. “He lied to me, my whole life he lied to me, even about my age. I came back because there was no one else.”

A strained silence settled in the room again, everyone looking at everyone else, only Anders was staring at Gaia as if he had turned to stone. 

“I’m sorry...” Dawn finally broke the silence. “Have you been back for long?”  
Gaia shook her head. “I arrived last week and I was in Waiheke and was just now getting the last things to place yesterday.”  
“So you didn’t know about...” Dawn looked cautiously around.  
“About what?”  
“About the fiend,” Axl said slowly.  
“The what?” Gaia almost snorted. “Anders?”

Anders awoke from his stupor and opened his mouth to protest but Mike forestalled him. “The fiend is what the newspaper called the serial rapist who’s been scaring the shit out of women for weeks. You’re the first who got away, by the way.”

Everyone looked at Anders again who tried to flash a cocky grin, but it looked rather unconvincing.

“So... let me get this straight,” Gaia said, her voice a little shaky. “A... rapist... has been going around this city and...”  
“I guess you didn’t read the paper,” Dawn said cautiously.  
Gaia shook her head. “If I had I wouldn’t have been in a park deck alone at night.”  
“But Anders saved you,” Axl supplied with faked cheerfulness.

Gaia shook her head and began to shiver. “I can’t... this isn’t... it can’t be true!” When she looked up again, her eyes were filled with moisture, her face drawn into a grimace. “I thought I was through with you Johnsons! I was hoping I’d never see any of you ever again!”

Alerted by Gaia’s last words that had been almost a shout, the nurse hurried back into the room. “Is there a problem?” She sternly looked at everyone in the room.  
“No,” Gaia replied, her voice trembling. “I just... I can’t handle this.”

The nurse nodded in understanding, believing this to be part of Gaia’s shock. And a shock it was, but it had only indirectly something to do with the events of last night. She took the handles of the wheelchair, but before she passed the door Gaia looked up again and forced herself to look at Anders. 

“Thanks for saving my ass,” she muttered before her head dropped forward again. 

Then she was gone, and the heavy, uncomfortable silence was back.

Finally, Anders recovered his speech again. “I swear I can hear them laugh.”  
“Who?” Ty frowned and cocked his head.  
Anders let himself drop back and closed his eyes. “Bragi and Idun. They must be rolling around laughing so hard they’ll sprain something. Bastards. Really, what are the odds for... this... happening by chance?”

No one knew what to say to that.

* * *

Anders got discharged a few days later.

He had to admit that being forced to organize – or rather, having Dawn doing the organizing, that’s what he paid her for – press meetings and interviews was a real boost for his vanity. However, the shorn side of his head with the thick and swollen scar wasn’t. He proceeded to hide it by wearing a grey knitted beanie; as it was already late in May no one would give him funny looks for that, at least.

The interest of the press soon ebbed off; Anders assumed he’d been the real focus of attention for a proper amount of time if his intervention had led to the fiend being caught. It was still better than nothing, having a carefully chosen photo of himself smile at him from the papers for while. The other positive side effect of the whole affair was a significant increase in business.  
With his face and name having been in several papers, a lot more people than before knew about JPR now, and once the dust had settled that the news people had left in their wake, Dawn and Anders had an honest-to-goodness meeting about managing their workload.

That evening Anders had a good long look at himself in the mirror; the stitches had been taken out that morning and now the hair was allowed to grow back so the ugly scar would finally be out of sight. The future of his business was secure, his faith in his credit cards restored and his relationship with Dawn had reached completely new levels of productivity and even amenity. And all that without the help of anyone else, mortal or otherwise. 

Even his brothers managed to acknowledge this with their usual _For once Anders did the right thing_. They had said that a few times now already, so shouldn’t they by rights drop the _for once_ by now? He could watch the lines around his mouth appear as his lips pressed together.  
Would they have even batted an eyelid if he had used the Bragi voice? Admittedly it would have been much easier to just tell the bastard to sit down and wait for the cops, but he hadn’t. No special gift. Just Anders Johnson.

Anders flipped a bird at the mirror; not sure if he meant his brothers or Bragi or all of them. 

His feeling of self-satisfaction lasted as long as the first dream. 

_The fiend went for him with his knife. Anders darted around him and grabbed the woman’s arm only to realise that what he had believed was the woman was in fact the fiend himself. He sliced the knife through Anders’s throat and threw him away like a ragdoll, leaving Anders face-down and bleeding his life out while behind him, the woman’s screams of agony ended in a sudden screech of terror._

Anders bolted upright in his bed, drenched in sweat. 

Muttering curses under his breath he crawled out of the bed and headed for the kitchen for a glass of water. But even as his heartbeat had calmed down, his mind didn’t, and Anders spent the rest of the night staring at the ceiling.

* * *

Gaia had lived through the last two weeks as if she was in a strange sort of trance. Every night when she went to bed, she had no idea what she had done during the day, but even writing things down revealed nothing important. It seemed she spent her days with walking aimlessly around, window-shopping, drinking coffee or just lying in the bed of her hotel room listening to music. 

When coming back to New Zealand she had known she wouldn’t go back to London. Only where exactly she would go, she had had no idea, and still didn’t. Just settling again here in Auckland seemed not a good idea to her, not with the issues of the past still haunting her. Evidently, fate had decided to throw these issues her way, and she finally decided that she needed to deal with those issues, that she needed to tie up all the loose ends she had left behind when she had fled over two years ago. 

It was late morning on a cool and windy Sunday that she stood at the door of the flat she had shared with Zeb and Axl what seemed a lifetime and a half ago. After standing there for almost ten minutes like a statue, she finally lifted her hand and knocked. She didn’t even know if Axl still lived here, hadn’t thought to ask. She was just trying her luck.

A young woman, roughly her own age, she guessed, opened the door. She was so short she had to look up at Gaia as she ran a hand through her hair, black and long with bangs dyed a bright red. 

“Yes?”  
Gaia took a deep breath. “Is Axl here?”  
The neutral expression turned into a frown. “Yeah, he is.” Then she yelled over her shoulder: “Axl! It’s for you!”

Gaia realised she would have been relieved if she hadn’t found him here. As it was, she tried to steel herself, but smiling was beyond her as Axl’s broad form filled the doorframe.

“Yeah?”  
“Hi Axl.” Gaia took another deep breath to calm herself.  
Axl stood frozen for a moment before he slowly shook his head with narrowing eyes. “Gaia?”  
“Hi,” Gaia said again. “I... I was thinking... Look, can we talk?”

She could see the girl who had opened the door cross her arms and lean against the wall. 

“Uh...” Axl ran his hands through his hair.  
“Look, if now isn’t a good time we can do...”  
“No, no, it’s... it’s okay.” Axl shot a hasty glance over his shoulder. “I just need to...”  
“I mean really, I can come back...”  
“No, it’s... why don’t... come in and give me a sec, okay?”

Gaia nodded and slowly stepped in as Axl vanished into his room. The girl with the red bangs shoved herself off the wall and headed for the kitchen as Gaia stepped into the living room. 

“Some things never change,” Gaia said with a smile as she looked at Zeb, spread out on the sofa, wearing old sweatpants, mismatched socks and a worn t-shirt with what had to be the logo of a metal band on it.  
Zeb almost fell out of the sofa and staggered to his feet. “A ghost!”  
“Nothing of the sort,” Gaia gave back. “Hi Zeb.”  
Zeb surprised her in hurrying around the sofa and throwing his arms around her in a rib-cracking hug. “Man, it’s so good to see you! How was London? Did you see the Queen? Did you see men in skirts?”  
Gaia freed herself out of the awkward embrace with a chuckle. “No, I didn’t, and that would be kilts, and you don’t really find those in London but Scotland.”

“You’re Axl’s ex.”  
Gaia turned around to look at the girl who was now leaning against the kitchen counter with a mug in her hands. “Yes. Did he talk about me?”  
She frowned. “A bit. Said you dropped him like a hot potato.”  
Gaia nervously licked her lips. “I guess for him it felt that way. That’s why I’m here, you see... I wanted...”

“Maybe I should introduce?” Zeb slid between them, his grin a little strained. “Sheila, that’s Gaia, our former flatmate...”  
“And Axl’s ex.”  
“Yes but... uh...Gaia, that’s Sheila, our new flatmate...”  
“And Axl’s girlfriend.” She took a sip of her tea.

Well that certainly explained the looks she was giving her. Gaia extended a hand anyway. 

“Nice to meet you, Sheila.”  
Sheila frowned at her hand, but took it. “Yeah, same here.”  
After biting her lower lip Gaia took a deep breath and smiled. “I can... I can see how this looks, but... I assure you it’s not what you think. I’m not here to try and win him back, okay? I just... I need to tie up loose ends and... and I was hoping I could clear up what was between him and me when we... broke up.”  
Sheila met her eyes firmly and nodded. “I understand. It’s important to eradicate those ghosts of the past. I think it’ll do you both good.”

Gaia blinked and felt herself at a loss for words. Sheila noticed her expression and her face lit up. “I’m a psychology major,” she said with a chuckle. “I work at the hospital as a counsellor.”  
“Hey than you can counsel those two when they work things out!” Zeb interjected happily.  
“The devil I do,” Sheila gave back with a snort. “They have to sort that stuff out by themselves. I’m too involved to handle that shit.”

Axl emerged from his room and cast a wary look at the two women. “I’m... uh, how should we...”  
“Go for a walk,” Sheila said before Gaia could reply. “Pick up a coffee and sit in the park or something. Neutral environment.”  
“Uh... right.” Axl seemed more nervous than Gaia had ever seen him. 

She passed him by as she headed for the door and waved at Zeb. “Maybe see you around, Zeb!”  
Zeb happily waved back before flopping back on the sofa again.

Sheila put down her mug and walked over to Axl with a smile, and Gaia turned around to look out of the door when Axl bent down. Out of the corner of her eye she noticed that Axl simply picked her up to kiss her and she couldn’t suppress a little chuckle.

“He’ll get a crick in his neck otherwise,” Sheila said with a grin while she clung to him like a baby monkey. “The only alternative is me using a chair.”

Gaia had to laugh at that. By the way Axl looked at Sheila it was clear that he was very much in love, and that feeling was very clearly mutual. She was happy for him, Gaia realised at that moment. Happy that he was happy, and there was no bitterness left when she thought about what might have been. Axl looked up somewhat shyly, but when he saw Gaia smile, he smiled as well.

* * *

“I don’t even know how to put it into words,” Gaia said as they sat down on a bench in the park. The weather wasn’t very pleasant so they were pretty much alone. “I just had the feeling there are so many things I should have said and didn’t...”  
“Like what?” Axl took a sip of his coffee.  
“Like...” Gaia tried to gather her thoughts. Thinking about these things in the solitude of her hotel room had been much easier than it was now trying to put it into words. “Like I felt a terrible coward for just running away like that.”

Axl shrugged as he stared straight ahead. “I can understand, though. Anders wouldn’t have given you a minute of peace.”  
This time, it was Gaia’s turn to frown. She could clearly hear the anger and frustration in Axl’s voice. “Axl, it was not Anders’s fault.”  
“It wasn’t.” Axl lowered his eyes, then looked at Gaia. “But he certainly didn’t do a very good job in resisting it.”  
“Axl...” Gaia shook her head, her frown deepening. “He couldn’t! As little as I could!”  
Axl took a deep breath, very obviously trying to calm his voice and failing. “As if he’d ever turn down the chance of a free fuck.”

“Axl Johnson!” Gaia slid a little away from him on the bench to better look at him. “Are you listening to me? He could not stop this. I could not stop this. And for your information, the first time it happened it was me, approaching him, not the other way round. It was me going over to his place, and once he had opened the door there was no stopping it!”  
Axl was gritting his teeth.  
“Axl, I know that hurts. I also know I’ll never be really able to apologize...”  
“You don’t need to, I know it was the goddess...”  
“Yes, but it was the same for Anders!”

Axl looked up again and met her eyes. “How can you possibly be defending him?”  
Gaia lifted her shoulders in a gesture of utter confusion. “How can you go ahead and put all the blame on him?”

They stared silently at each other for a moment. 

“Look, I can see that it’s hard for you. It’s hard for me too, I know Anders, after all.” Gaia tapped her finger on the plastic lid of her coffee cup. “But you weren’t there. When we...” She swallowed hard. “Afterwards...” She fell silent for a while, the image of Anders clearly in her mind. She would never forget his face at that moment. “Believe me, it was as if we were possessed. The sex was... that was not love. It wasn’t even desire. It was just feral. And I felt rotten after that... that madness was over. But believe me, Axl, so did Anders. There was no cocky grin, there was nothing. The only thing he said was... he reminded me to take a shower in a totally lifeless and broken voice. And he wasn’t thinking of me, and neither of himself. He was thinking of you, Axl, and that I shouldn’t come back to you smelling of him and his aftershave. It was the only thing left for him to do.”

Axl swallowed hard and wordlessly stared at Gaia. She could see the paper cup in his hands begin to shift as his fingers dug deep dents into the walls.

“Axl, we were both raped by our gods. We were totally thrown out of our own bodies. It was beyond our control. I know what kind of man Anders is, but even he would never willingly do that to his brother, fucking his girlfriend...”  
“Fiancé...”  
“Fiancé. Does it make it worse?”  
Axl shrugged.

“Axl...” Gaia laid a hand on his forearm. “Axl, have you forgiven me?”  
“Yeah.” A soft exhale under his breath. “I have, in fact.”  
“Then you have to forgive Anders too. That was beyond anything he could control.”  
Axl took a sip of his coffee. “I tried.”  
“And?” Gaia removed her hand and sighed. “Axl, we were both caught and trapped. Either we’re both guilty, or we are both innocent. It would have happened no matter what kind of man Anders is. It would have happened even if he was a monk.”

The thought of Anders as a monk made both of them snort. 

“Okay, I...” Axl pressed his lips together. “I’ll try harder, okay?”  
“Okay.” Gaia managed a smile. “I know it’s easier to deal with all that when you’ve got someone to blame, but put the blame where it belongs. Bragi and Idun.”

Axl looked up again, a tiny smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “Gods, eh?”  
Gaia shrugged with a crooked smile.


	4. You, I thought I knew you, you I cannot judge

* * *

After a good long look at himself in the mirror Anders heaved a sigh and realised that Dawn had been right all along. He hadn’t even been aware of how much he had deteriorated after being discharged from the hospital until now, after he had had his first two nights of undisturbed, nightmare free sleep since then. 

The tiredness and the restlessness caused by his lack of sleep had taken their toll until it had gotten so bad that Dawn had told him if he refused to see a doctor she would drag him there bodily herself if she had to, before adding worriedly that he looked like shit and she had to do more and more corrections and adjustments to his works as a result of them.

After some prodding by the doctor Anders had caved in and told him the whole ugly story of his nightmares and had, after a promise to get himself a session with a therapist, gone home with some pills to help him deal with the worst of his sleep deprivation.

“Like hell I’m going to let anyone catch me seeing a shrink,” he told his mirror image. He didn’t even want to imagine what his brothers would think or say, but he was sure he’d never hear the end of it. In any case, the bags under his eyes had receded significantly; his colour had returned to normal, and after another check, he could confirm that the scar was completely invisible now even if he could still feel it when he ran a hand through his hair. 

With a nod at the mirror he turned around and left the bathroom and after a brief, if one-sided conversation with his fishes he decided that a cold and windy Sunday afternoon was best spent with coffee and a movie. He started browsing his DVDs when he heard the doorbell.

Anders had a strange and uncomfortable feeling of déjà-vu upon opening the door. 

“Hi,” Gaia said, sounding and looking as uncomfortable as back then. “Can I come in?”  
“Only if you are not assaulting my virtue again,” Anders said before he could stop himself.  
But Gaia actually smiled, a twitch of her lips and a crinkle around her eyes. “I’ve outgrown that phase.”  
“Thank god,” Anders muttered as he stood aside, cocking an eyebrow when he caught sight of the large bag Gaia was carrying.

After setting the bag onto his kitchen counter, Gaia stilled and chewed her lower lip for a while. It was clear that she was thinking of something to say and didn’t quite know where to begin, and Anders found himself crossing his arms and leaning against the wall as he watched her. 

“Look,” Gaia finally began.  
“I’m looking,” Anders gave back, nodding at her to go on.  
“Now listen...” She went on after rolling her eyes.  
“I’m listening, too,” Anders gave back testily. “See, I’m not really comfortable around you and you sure as fuck aren’t comfortable around me. Why are you here?”

Gaia’s shoulders dropped and she sighed. “I talked to Axl this morning.”  
Anders cocked his head and raised his eyebrows.  
“He told me...” Gaia sighed again, but it sounded decidedly more frustrated and almost angry. She turned around to face him. “Are they really blaming you? Still?”  
“They blame me for anything they can,” Anders said. “Assuming the _they_ you’re talking about is my loving, caring family.”  
“Well your brothers, in any case. Are there more in your family who do that?”  
Anders shrugged. “Well there’s a grandpa on the paternal side but most times he’s too strung out to care.”

Gaia fell silent again and began to rummage around in the large bag on the counter. Anders watched as she produced a large, covered platter that she set aside before putting the bag down. Her shoulders were hunched, but after another moment she straightened up and faced him again only to lower her eyes after a heartbeat or two.

“Anders, I’m here because...” She ran a hand through her hair and a few curls escaped. Brushing them back, she took a deep breath. “I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but I came to apologize.”  
Anders looked down for a moment and shook his head before meeting her eyes. “Apologize.”  
“I know it doesn’t change a thing,” Gaia said hesitantly. “And as much as I want it, I can’t turn back time. But I just have to... I have to tie up the loose ends I left after fucking off like that, and I still...” Here she looked up with a shy and crooked smile. “I still haven’t properly thanked you yet.”

Anders pushed himself off the wall. “Well, thank away. Do I need to undress for that?”  
Gaia rolled her eyes with a snort. “I thought you wouldn’t touch me with a ten foot pole before and after what happened even less.”  
“Well I wouldn’t have to touch you, would I, if you decided to give me an epic blowjob?” Anders shot back with a cocky twitch of his eyebrows.  
“This is not about sex, Anders,” Gaia said pointedly.  
“Forgive me but wasn’t it sex that got us into this mess in the first place?”  
“Can you please stop talking about sex for a minute!” Gaia dragged her hands down her face.  
“That’s a hard thing you’re asking of me.” Anders crossed his arms again. 

“Okay.” Gaia leaned against the counter and propped her hands onto the surface. “I can... I know you got the raw end of the deal because of all this god-business. I understand you’re angry with me but I...”  
“Hey.” Anders lifted one hand. “I’m not angry with you. You are, in fact, the only person in this whole affair, as you called it, that I am not angry with.”

Their eyes met

“I know it wasn’t your fault,” Gaia said after a moment.  
“It wasn’t yours, either,” Anders replied. 

It was Gaia who first looked away. “I blamed myself for not trying harder to resist.”  
“There was no resisting it. You know that as well as I do.”  
Gaia looked up again. “I know. I’m still blaming myself.”  
“And everyone else is blaming me, so there’s plenty of blame to go around and it is equalled out evenly, as it seems.”  
“It’s not fair.”  
Anders emitted a short, derisive snort. “No, fair usually involves a merry-go-round and cotton candy.”

Gaia pursed her lips and took another deep breath. “I gave Axl a piece of my mind regarding you and the way he thinks about this whole thing in general and you in particular.”  
“And he actually listened?”  
“He did. He even said he’d try harder to forgive you.”  
“Forgive me?” Anders’s eyes widened.  
“Well I know, okay? I know there shouldn’t be anything to forgive, but it’s a start...” She broke off. “A lousy one, if you ask me. This conversation shouldn’t have been necessary in the first place.”  
“Most people rather use a convenient whipping-boy than deal with facts they don’t like and don’t want to think about,” Anders replied. It was when Gaia’s eyes widened when she heard the word whipping-boy that he realised he was being pretty open and confidential with a person he thought he couldn’t stand. Before he could retaliate and backpedal out of it, Gaia spun around and hammered both fists onto the counter.

“Whoa. Angry goddess incoming.”  
“It’s...” Gaia’s shoulders drooped. “It’s so frustrating. They all treated me like I was porcelain, like I was an innocent girl who had unknowingly walked into the lair of the beast. Yes, it was me coming here, but I knew what I was doing, even if I knew that I would end up in deep shit. I couldn’t stop it.”  
“I know.”  
“Of course you do. That’s what I mean.” She turned around again. “I could talk to your brothers, if you like. Tell them that it was me and...”  
“Hold it.” Anders lifted a hand. “One: They know that already, and they also know this was a god thing. That it was Bragi and Idun, and they all know that once the gods take over there is literally no stopping it. That didn’t stop them, so I doubt you talking to them will change anything. Two: I’m not a damsel in distress that needs saving from the big, bad brothers. I can deal with the Johnsons on my own just fine.”  
“No need to get snappish,” Gaia gave back. “I was just making an offer.”  
“I...” Anders said pointedly, “... do not get snappish.”

The silent stare-off lasted about five seconds before Anders started to chuckle. 

Gaia relaxed a little and smiled before she turned and removed the cover from the platter. “I’ve brought some cake,” she said.  
“What is that? An offering of peace?”  
“I guess you could call it that.” She looked up with a smile.  
“As long as it doesn’t have any strawberries in it,” Anders said and craned his neck.  
“You have a problem with strawberries?”  
“I hate them.”  
“Good thing I made chocolate cake, then,” Gaia said with a smile.  
“Chocolate?” Anders looked at the square pieces of cake arranged on the platter. It looked delicious and smelled divine. When his eyes met Gaia’s again he smiled. “Want a coffee with that?”  
“I’d love to.”

After they had settled down with cake and coffee, Anders realised he had no idea what to do now, apart from eating cake and drinking coffee, as delicious as that cake was. And if there was one thing he wasn’t good at handling, it was awkward silence.

“So...” he began after putting his fork down. “How was London?”  
Gaia clutched her cup a little tighter. “It was not what I hoped it would be.”  
Leaning back in his chair, Anders took a sip of his own coffee.  
“I had hoped it would be a new start.” Gaia stared into her cup. “It turned out to be the worst idea ever.”  
“Why?”

Gaia looked up again. “Because I had to discover the hard way that other people forget you after the god spirits leave.”  
Anders pursed his lips. “But nobody knew you anyway?”  
“My own landlord didn’t recognise me, and it was just about all I could manage to get my stuff out of the room and fuck off before he called the cops. And then I was homeless in a city I didn’t know and had no job because my boss at the diner had no idea who I was, either, and I didn’t have enough cash for a hotel, not for more than a couple of nights.”  
“That’s tough,” Anders said. “That really sucks.”  
She took a sip of coffee. “It sucks a bag of dicks. It wasn’t easy to find my feet after that, and I don’t like to think back on that.”  
“You managed, though.”He had no idea why he felt the need to say that; he wasn’t Mr Nice Guy having a coffee with the girl next door. Not usually. Never. At least not until today. 

Gaia shrugged. “I sometimes think... no, actually I think it quite often. It would have been easier, for me at least, if I had just stayed. Surrender and stop denying what had happened. Turned out it wasn’t so long after that the gods fucked off anyway, and I still could’ve given you the finger after that, pick up the pieces, and move on.”  
“You really think that would’ve been better?”  
She looked up again and met Anders’s eyes. “No. Not better. Just easier.”  
“Really?” Anders gave her a crooked smile. “I’m not exactly sure about that.” He took a sip of coffee. “Maybe for you, who knows. The question is more if I had survived.”  
Gaia almost dropped her cup. “What?”  
Anders tried to shrug it off. “It’s not as if...”  
“Anders, what happened?” 

Her eyes were suddenly piercing and her mouth a thin line. Angry goddess indeed.

“Nothing that you could have done anything about, and it’s over. We put it behind us.”  
“Who’s we?” She put her cup down. “You and Axl?”  
Anders tilted his head with a non-committal expression. “Not that I blame him for losing his shit.”  
Gaia’s hands curled into fists and she pressed them flat onto the table. “Did he beat you up?”  
“Not exactly,” Anders gave back more light-heartedly than he felt, still, after all that time. “Well, he punched me in the face, but that was to be expected, no?” 

He wasn’t aware he’d unconsciously rubbed the scar at the side of his neck before he noticed Gaia’s eyes following the movement. And when she did, she pushed back her chair and stood, leaned forward to grab his hand and tear it away.  
“He slit your throat!”Her eyes blazed when she looked at the scar, and Anders wrenched his hand out of her grip.  
“No, he didn’t!”  
Gaia’s blazing eyes met his own. “Tell me the truth, Anders. Please, tell me the truth.”  
“Stop the raging goddess routine, please. It’s upsetting the fishes.” He caught himself rubbing the scar again when Gaia sat down. 

“He socked me in the face. The thing is, with him being Odin he packed quite a punch when he was angry. And Mike was refurbishing his place above the pub at that time, so there was a pile of rubble I landed in.”  
“Rubble.”  
“Rubble with shards of what I think was a shattered loo. Not very dignifying, now that I think of it. Being almost killed by the remains of a loo.”  
“Anders, how did you survive that? Your jugular vein had been cut!”  
Anders cocked his head and shrugged. “Guess I was lucky. Michele and her magic stick were around at that point.”

Gaia’s confused expression told him she had no idea what he was talking about, so he filled her in about the branch of the Yggdrasil and what the goddesses had been able to do with it.

Gaia shook her head with a nervous little chuckle. “I wonder what my superpower would have been.”  
“No idea. Growing apples the size of a pumpkin?”

Their eyes met and they simultaneously snorted before chuckling.

“Yeah, sure. Growing apple trees in every flower pot.”  
“You could have made a fortune in Las Vegas with that trick.”  
Gaia shook her head, and the smile slowly vanished. “I can’t believe he did that. He never told me.”  
“If he had, what would you have done?”  
She looked up sharply. “What do you mean?”  
Anders shrugged. “Well, as far as I remember, you were in a hurry to get married, and even more so after...” He broke off, waving his hand about. “This. This... god business.”  
Gaia cocked an eyebrow.  
“So... if you’d known that Axl had issues with his anger management and given me a face full of his fist, would you still have been as eager to engage in matrimony with him?”

She was silent for a long while, then she sighed. “I don’t know,” she said in a low voice. “Maybe not. Maybe it would have served as an eye-opener. Maybe I would have realised far sooner that we both were running on nothing but denial.”

Not knowing what to say to this Anders remained silent for a while before offering her another coffee. She politely declined, telling him she had to be on her way. 

There was an almost painful silence between them as Gaia stood in the doorframe. 

“Well...” She said after nervously licking her lips. “Thanks for... for talking.”  
“And about that blowjob?”  
Gaia rolled her eyes with an exasperated sigh, but she was grinning. “I don’t do blowjobs, Casanova. I can’t. I can’t put a dick into my mouth without retching, and I don’t think you’d enjoy it if I puked into your crotch.”  
“Shame, that.”  
“You’ll have to settle with chocolate cake.” She adjusted her scarf. “I leave the plate and come back sometime to pick it up.”  
“Do I get a refill?”  
Her smile softened. “Sure, if you want to.”

The silence was back, even more unpleasant than before. 

“Look, I...” Gaia sighed. “I don’t know how to say this but...” She forced herself to look at him again. “Thank you. You didn’t know, and I didn’t know until I came into that hospital room. You saved my life, Anders.”  
“Did I?” Anders tilted his head, and then he remembered the knife. His facial expression darkened. “I guess I did.”

Gaia took a small step forward and stopped dead in her tracks when Anders did the same. For one terrible, uncomfortable moment they stared at each other, hands hovering awkwardly in mid-air, before they both leaned in and closed their arms around the other. 

“Thank you,” Gaia whispered again and tightened her hold. “Thank you.”  
The hug was, surprisingly, not by a long shot as uncomfortable as Anders would have expected it would be.  
“You’re a hero, you know that?” She whispered. “You could’ve been killed and that didn’t stop you. You’re a real hero.”  
“Knight In Shining Armour Anders Johnson, at your service,” Anders gave back teasingly to cover his embarrassment. 

Gaia chuckled softly under her breath and placed a kiss onto his cheek before stepping back. “See you around.”

And then she was gone.

Anders closed the door and realised he was touching his cheek when he walked towards his kitchen, and with a shake of his head he dropped his hand and equipped himself with another slice of cake.


	5. Maybe you're crazy in the head, baby.

* * *

Sheila flopped down on the couch beside Axl with two bottles of beer in one hand, expertly slipped between her fingers, and a third one in the other that she handed to Zeb. She twisted the cap off her bottle and took a sip. Axl clutched his bottle and stared at the carpet between his feet.

After pulling her legs up she turned around, her back leaning against the armrest, and faced Axl who still hadn’t moved. “Are you going to talk again eventually?”  
Axl shook his head.  
“And why is that?”  
“Because I’m afraid I fuck up!” Axl knocked the bottle back and emptied half of it in one go.  
“And why is that?”  
Axl shook his head with a snort. “Because I’m a pretty big fuck up.”  
“Yeah, sure, that why I sleep in your bed more often than in my own.”  
“That was before you...”  
“Shut up.”

Sheila shifted her position and nudged Axl with one foot. “Hey. I knew about Gaia and everything. I want to know what has you so petrified now that she’s back.”  
Axl slowly looked up and met her eyes.  
“You’re not seriously thinking I’d ditch you over that?”  
Taking another sip of beer Axl shook his head and cast a fleeting look at Zeb.

“Look, I’m pretty sure that Zeb knows everything regarding you and Gaia anyway.” She nudged him again with her toes. “Talk to me, you ogre.”  
Axl had to grin, but it vanished as quickly as it had come.  
“I can leave you two alone,” Zeb ventured and started to get up.  
“Not really necessary.” Axl smiled weakly. “Because she’s right, eh?”  
“Hey, I am your best mate! Of course I’m also your confidant and right hand and best man...”

“Shut up, Zeb,” both Axl and Sheila said simultaneously and exchanged a grin after that.  
Zeb snorted. “See, you might as well be married already.” He settled back and took a sip of beer. “You still have the ring?”  
“Zeb!” Axl gave him an incredulous stare. “I can’t... recycle... an engagement ring, you idiot!”  
“I was just thinking practically!” Zeb gave back in defence.  
“Come on, Axl.” Sheila put her bottle down. “He’s just shitting you.”  
“If you think that then you haven’t known Zeb long enough.”  
“Now wait a minute!”

Sheila dropped her head with a chuckle and shook her head. “Listening to you two banter makes me think you’d be better of marrying Zeb instead.”  
“Sheila!” This time it was Zeb and Axl shouting simultaneously, and Sheila threw her head back and laughed.  
“You should see the look on your faces!” She giggled and wiped a hand down her face. “But seriously. Axl, I’m not going to ditch you, and Gaia really didn’t seem to want you back. So what’s the problem here?”

Axl squirmed uncomfortably in his seat and took another sip of beer. “It’s...” Then he shrugged. “It’s because of Anders.”  
“Your brother?”  
He nodded. “The one who... you know.”  
“Who shagged your fiancé. Axl please stop trying to spare my feelings and say things as they are.”  
“It’s not easy, for fuck’s sake!” Axl almost dropped his bottle and glared angrily at his girlfriend. “He’s my brother, and he fucked my fiancé! He fucked the girl I loved and he wasn’t even sorry for it!”  
“Are you sure about that?”  
“He said so, but you know, I can tell when Anders is lying. His lips move.” Axl ran one hand through his hair.

After a moment of silence, he dared to look up at Sheila again; her face was unmoving. 

“You know,” she said after another moment. “I’d be grateful if you could fill me in with a little more detail. Because I know there’s some things you’re deliberately not telling me.”  
“I never lied to you!”  
Sheila met his eyes, widened with hurt. “I never said that,” she gave back calmly. “I said you’re keeping things a secret. And that’s okay, you know. But now that secret is becoming a problem.”  
“That secret has been a problem since my twenty-first birthday,” Axl muttered, more to himself than to her, but of course, Sheila’s ears perked at that.

“Zeb, help me,” Axle whined and looked helplessly at his friend. “What do I do now?”  
“Tell her the truth,” Zeb replied with a shrug. “I believed you, so I guess she will too.”

Axl took a deep breath and shook his head. “Maybe you want to go pack your things so you can save some time when you’re storming out on me.”  
“Leave that decision to me, Axl.” Sheila put her bottle down. “I’m a psychologist and a counsellor, and believe me, I hear some pretty weird things sometimes.”  
“Nothing as weird as this, believe me.”  
“Let me be the judge of that.”  
“I don’t want you to...”  
“Shut up, ogre, and tell me.”

Axl curled up and closed both hands behind his head. After a moment, he straightened up again. “What do you know about Norse gods?”  
Sheila blinked with a frown. “Odin, Thor...? There’s a museum in Norsewood but I was like five years old when my parents took me there. Why?”  
“Because...” Axl shook his head with a sound that was halfway between a sob and a chuckle. “Because Norsewood was founded by the gods.”  
“I’ve heard that legend, yes.” Sheila’s face betrayed nothing.  
“It’s not a legend,” Axl said flatly.

Sheila met his eyes and tilted her head.

“The gods left Asgard, and they emigrated to New Zealand when the Christians got wind of it, and they... they got reincarnated into humans until Ragnarok two years ago when they finally fucked off to Asgard again to save the world and be gods again instead of humans.”

Sheila still didn’t move a muscle in her face.

“And so it happens that my family are...were... all gods. Mike was the god of the hunt, and Ty was Hodr, the god of cold and darkness and Anders was the god of poetry...”

Very slowly, Sheila lifted a single eyebrow.

“And I was... I was Odin.” Axl swallowed hard. “But the gods have left and there’s a few things that happened that can’t be explained without... oh fuck it!” He dragged his hands down his face. “Just call an ambulance with a straight jacket already!”

Sheila slowly crossed her arms. “I’ll do nothing of the sort.”  
“But I just told you...”  
“I heard perfectly well what you said.”  
“And... Jesus fucking Christ, Sheila, what are you thinking right now?”  
“Whatever I’m thinking is not the issue right now. What I want to know is what that stuff about gods has to do with you and Gaia and Anders.”

Axl took a deep breath. “Anders was with Helen. Bragi and Idun are like... god lovers. They belong together. And then Helen was killed, and Idun’s spirit needed a vessel and...”  
“And went into Gaia.”  
Axl stared at Sheila as if it was her who had lost her mind. Sheila just gestured at him to go on.  
“And then... then Bragi and Idun... they wanted to be together and...”  
“And your brother fucked your girlfriend because the gods demanded it so.”  
“I know it sounds ridiculous.”

The silence thickened.

“So who was Zeb?”  
“I was Odin’s sidekick!” Zeb eagerly sat up.  
“Shut up, Zeb.” Axl shot Sheila a shy, insecure smile. “Zeb wasn’t a god, he was just... he got caught up in the middle of it all, but he proved to be the best friend a man could have.”  
“Or a god!” Zeb took a sip of beer with a self-satisfied smile.  
Axl rolled his eyes.  
“Honestly, Sheila.” Zeb leaned forward with side eyes. “I saw it all! Rituals in the forest, everything. I swear, when Ty got angry he could freeze the drink in his glass!”

Sheila looked back and forth between the two. “Gods. Are you sure you’ve not been role-playing while being stoned?”  
“The only one permanently stoned is Olaf.” Zeb saluted her with his bottle.  
“Your cousin?” Sheila looked at Axl who nodded. “Who was he?”  
“Baldr. He was reborn every morning, so to speak, and he’s ninety-four.” Axl’s voice had lost all emotion. “And he’s my grandpa, not my cousin.”

There was a very heavy silence hanging in the small flat when Sheila slowly got up. Axl gave her a hopeless, desolate stare and with a soft smile, Sheila drew her hand through his hair. “I need to digest this,” she said in a low voice and slowly, vanished into her room.

Axl lowered his head and buried his face in his hands, shoulders shaking. Zeb pressed his lips together with a frown, put his bottle down and got up to sit down beside him. Due to their frames it was a little difficult for him to put an arm around Axl, but he managed. But even Zeb with his usual carefree attitude knew better than to try and say something conciliatory at that point.

* * *

Both Axl and Zeb were still sitting on the couch when, two hours later, Sheila emerged from her room again. She walked over towards the two and slowly knelt down in front of Axl.  
Axl didn’t move or look up.

“Hey.” Sheila rested one hand on Axl’s left knee. “Can you look at me?”  
Axl mutely shook his head.  
“Please?”  
It was the hardest thing to do, maybe the hardest thing he had ever done. Axl lifted his head and forced himself to look at her, and prepared himself for the inevitable.

Sheila swallowed hard and licked her lips. “What happened?”  
“What do you mean?” Axl’s voice sounded small and hopeless.  
“Why did the gods go?”  
“I told you. Ragnarok. End of the world. Odin had to find Frigg and then there was the Gahr... a thing where... a ritual and...” he broke off and threw his hands into the air. “Listen to me!”  
“I am listening.” Sheila closed her hand around his knee. “What happened?”  
“Odin and Frigg reunited, and the gods left their vessels, returned to Asgard, and the world was saved.” Axl met her eyes now, he just wanted to have it over with.

“It must have been hard to keep a secret like that for so long.”  
“You sound like a shrink again,” Axl said with false bravado. “Don’t tell me you believe me.”  
Sheila shook her head. “What if I do?”  
Axl blinked a few times as he stared at her. “Are you fucking kidding me?”  
Sheila lowered her eyes for a second before looking up again. “You agree with me that life is fucking weird sometimes?”  
“Fuck yeah,” was all Axl could say.

Sheila chuckled under her breath. “Okay, now... now it’s my turn, okay?”  
“Your turn to do what?”  
“Share strange secrets of my past.”  
“You’ve been a pole dancer in Las Vegas!” Zeb yelled.

Sheila dropped her head, shaking her head very slowly. “Zeb,” she said. “Get a life.”  
Axl chuckled nervously, bordering on hysterical. “So, what goddess have you been before the Ghar?”  
Sheila met his eyes for a long moment. “What makes you think I’ve been a goddess?”  
He chuckled again and dropped his shoulders. “Wishful thinking.”

After a deep breath, Sheila closed both her hands around Axl’s knees. “I know this sounds trite, but do you believe in fate?”  
Axl shook his head slowly, not in answer to her question but in complete, dumbfounded denial. “Fuck if I know, Sheila.”  
“I’ve told you I come from a really big family?”  
“Yeah.” A faint smile on his lips, Axl met her eyes again. “Lots of sisters. Lots of aunts.”  
“And not a single brother.” Sheila smiled, but it was a very strange smile, not a happy one. “Not a single uncle who wasn’t an uncle by marriage.”  
“A valkyrie!” Zeb yelled, even louder this time, and dropped his bottle in excitement. He hastily scrambled down to catch it before it spilled its contents on the carpet.  
“Zeb!” Axl snapped at him. “Cut the crap!”

But then Axl looked at Sheila again. Her face was unmoving, and he realised at that moment she hadn’t said anything to Zeb’s last comment.

“Sheila?” His hands began to tremble. “What the fuck?”

Sheila’s crooked smile stayed in place. “Eir,” she said. “Goddess of healing, though more like the valkyries’ physician. One of Odin’s valkyries.” She picked up the bottle she had handed Axl earlier and took a sip. “Did you know that valkyries also serve mead and ale in the halls of Valhalla to the fallen warriors?” She handed Axl the bottle back but had to close both her hands around Axl’s to prevent the bottle from slipping out between his fingers. 

Axl kept staring at her, shaking his head and unable to form a single coherent sentence in his head. “But...”  
But Sheila just smiled.

“Shit!” Axl jumped up from the couch, dropping the bottle and toppling Sheila over in the process. “Fuck you!” He yelled at her, shaking with sudden fury. “Do you think this is funny?! Do you think I’m just making a drunken joke?! Do you think this is a game to play along because I’m a crackpot?!” He kicked against the small side table, sending it and the lamp upon it flying.

Zeb followed the trajectory of the furniture with widening eyes. “Hey man, I liked that lamp!” He crawled hastily out of Axl’s reach to try and save what he could.

“Fuck you!” Axl was screaming. “I thought I could trust you and you are making fun of me!”  
Sheila pulled up her legs, slung her arms around them, and kept looking up at Axl with not a single muscle moving in her face. With his fury just vanishing into the aether like that Axl dropped his hands after a while; his shoulders fell and his head dropped forward as a hoarse sob escaped him. 

It was then that Sheila slowly got up. She walked up to him, took both his hands in hers, and held on with surprising strength when Axl tried to pull away.  
“I know you didn’t talk about it because you had to keep that secret. And I kept silent because I thought I had to keep mine. I mean... I know this is fucking weird. Come one, sit down again. Sit down.”  
Axl sat, because everything else than doing what he was told was far too exhausting.  
“Okay, I’m trying to prove I am not making this up, okay? You know I have six sisters. My mother has eight. I hope it get them all right but let’s see...”

She tapped her chin. “My sisters I told you about, yes? Mary, Kirstin, Annie, Lucy, Sarah and Jennifer. They were...” Her tongue darted out of a corner of her mouth. “Geiravör, Skögul... uhm... Reginleif, Kára, Hildr, and Guðr.”  
“Fuck off,” Axl whispered, his eyes on the carpet.  
“You can look them up in the Edda, if you want.”  
“Fuck off.”  
“My mother is Svipul, but then it gets a little difficult... my aunt Ellen is Þrúðr and then...”  
“Shut the fuck up,” Axl whispered hoarsely. “Just shut up and leave already.”  
“I’m not going anywhere, you ogre. I live here.”

“Sheila?” It was Zeb his voice very, very cautious.  
Sheila looked up at him. “Yes?”  
“Did the valkyries also go back to Asgard?”  
A smile crinkled the corners of her eyes. “Yes and no.”  
“What?”  
“The valkyries, Zeb, are the only ones who can travel between Asgard and Mitgard without using the Bifrost.” She shrugged. “But since we have no special powers like the gods I have nothing to prove it. I don’t exactly have an asgardian horse handy.”  
“So... you’re the paramedic valkyrie?”  
“I do have a first aid certificate.”  
“And you can ride a horse?”  
“Fancy that.” Sheila cocked her head.  
“And that martial arts thing?”  
“Could be coincidence.”

“Man, Axl!” Zeb got up and hurried to his friend’s side. “Can you believe that!”  
“No.” Axl shook his head. “I can’t.”  
Sheila shook her head and sighed. She got up, and met Zeb’s eyes and after a moment, mouthed ‘leave us’ at him. Zeb winked, mouthed ‘got you’ back at her and vanished into his room.

“Axl.” Sheila forcibly pried his hands from his face and held on to them with a grip of steel. “Look at me.”

Axl finally looked at her. Sheila smiled at him, and after pushing him back, she straddled his legs and rested both hands on his shoulders. “Hey.”  
“Hey.” Axl tried to smile.  
Sheila moved her hands up to cradle his face.  
“A valkyrie, eh?”  
She leaned forward to place a kiss onto his lips. “Does my lord Odin wish for another drink?”  
Axl emitted a shaky chuckle. “Nah, I’m good.” He closed his eyes again when Sheila’s hips ground down against his groin. “I’m not Odin anymore, though.”  
“Maybe there’s just enough Odin left that I feel the need to serve you?” She nipped his earlobe.  
“I’m... not thirsty... anymore...” Axl replied with a heavy breath.  
“I wasn’t talking about beer.”

Axl opened his eyes again, and swallowed hard at Sheila’s mischievous expression.  
“So...” Sheila purred and lowered her eyelids. “I guess you’ve heard about the Ride of the Vakyries before?”

Their eyes met, they stared at each other, then both of them simultaneously broke out laughing. Sheila jumped down from Axl’s lap and dragged him up, still laughing, and still laughing like idiots they stumbled towards Axl’s room and slammed the door shut behind them.

Two minutes later Zeb stuck his head out, and with a giggle, he slipped past the door to Axl’s room, equipped himself with another beer and switched the telly on, demonstratively cranking up the volume.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is an enormous amount of literature about valkyries in the Edda. I think I spent more than an hour reading Edda extracts and I’m gonna spare you all that and give you the Wikipedia Summary. But I did my homework!  
> [Valkyries](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_valkyrie_names)  
> [Eir](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eir)


	6. Distanced from one, deaf to the other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe I should clarify where I got the chapter titles from.  
> As I am writing, I listen to _Automatic for the People by REM_ , one of my all time favourites. The chapter titles are all lines from songs on that album.

* * *

The headline of the paper seemed to scream at Anders, accusing him of being unable to do a proper job of anything. In Johan’s voice.

_TWO MORE VICTIMS FOUND_  
_The city is in panic and the police are helpless_

Anders looked up, but Dawn was busy typing and didn’t notice his discomfort.

_Within two days, the fiend has struck twice. Two young women found dead, killed within less than 36 hours. “The police is doing their best, we have patrols on the streets 24/7,” J. McIntosh, spokesman of the Auckland Police Dpt., said in an open press meeting. He also said he could not go into any detail of the investigations. “We do not want him to know the progress of the investigation,” McIntosh said. “And neither do we want to encourage any form of copycat behaviour.”_

Anders put the paper down with a frown. The rest of the page was filled with a timeline of the fiend’s attacks and a list of his victims. And even though he felt his self-doubts nagging at him, he knew that it was only because of him that this list was one name shorter than it otherwise would have been.

The last lines on the page caught his attention again, and Anders couldn’t suppress a tiny shudder. It was a small commentary from a psychologist about the issue that the last two victims found had not been raped at all. Obviously, the fiend had tasted blood and realised that killing was far more satisfying than rape. This was followed by an attempt of analyzing the fiend’s character; about a mixture of an absence of a strong male-roll model, being a religious nutjob, having grown up with a patronizing, belittling mother.

Reading that part made Anders feel strangely cold. 

_Children who are at risk are usually children who socially isolate themselves, or who are social isolated by their parents. They are loners and have a number of odd personality traits. They are usually pleasant to talk to, but when you get to know them then they might let their walls down and let you see the more fanatic side of them. Hurting animals is a given. Disregard for social standards and norms are necessary, also some kind of perceived injustice done to them._

Anders remembered his mother, a termagant alcoholic, and his father, a man who thought that he could make up for his regular absence in his sons’ lives with a firm hand, as he called it because he believed their mother was too soft-hearted. Spare the rod and spoil the child, he used to say whenever he said he regretted having to put his belt to another use than holding his trousers up.  
And reading this, Anders realised he had more than a few things in common with those people; that he recognised too many of the points the author of the commentary brought up.

And yet here he was. Clearly he had not enough in common with that man to turn into a fiend himself, but thinking back on the phase he’d gone through right after he had turned into the vessel of Bragi... in hindsight he had gotten closer to it than he was comfortable thinking about.

A womanizer, a selfish prick, self-righteous asshole, he could live with those names his brothers or other people called him. But he was definitely not a monster.

* * *

When Anders sauntered into Asgard that evening he noticed the same goddesses as last week sitting in the same corner hunched over the paper.

“They discussing the fiend again?” He asked Mike as he leaned against the bar.  
“I don’t’ know what weird kind of pleasure they’re deriving from it,” Mike replied as he produced two bottles of beer.  
“I heard that!” Ingrid called. “It’s got nothing to do with...”  
“Calm down Ingrid, I was just shitting you.” Mike held up a bottle. “Another drink?”

Anders listened to the banter with half an ear, but at least no one got it in their heads to give him shit for not having done the job properly or something. Seemed like his act of heroism had gained him some actual respect from his brothers.

Dawn and Ty arrived shortly after Anders, and had barely settled down when Zeb barged through the door, an impossibly wide grin on his face, followed by Axl and Sheila.

“She’s a valkyrie!” Zeb yelled.

Everyone froze in mid-move, broke off mid-sentence and turned around to stare at the three. 

“Zeb, you dickhead,” Sheila groaned as Axl rolled his eyes, his hands curling into fists.

Olaf seemed the most intrigued, he got up and walked over, a frown on his face.

“Which host?” Olaf asked in a low voice, puzzlement audible and visible.  
“Valhalla,” Sheila gave back with a shrug.  
“And who are you?”  
“Have a guess,” Sheila said in a clipped voice. “Or just drop the topic.”  
“Waitwaitwait...” Olaf held his hands out. “This is... this is important!”  
“Olaf,” Mike said and crossed his arms onto the bar. “The Gahr has happened long since, there are no gods anymore, how could this possibly be important?”  
“No no no... no, you don’t understand.” Olaf mustered Sheila in what seemed to be adoration. “Valkyries are born, not made. They didn’t lose anything when the gods left.”

Sheila crossed her arms with a heavy sigh and rolled her eyes. “If you are done, can I please have a beer?”  
“But which one?” Olaf was clearly not ready to let the topic rest.  
“Does it really matter?”  
“She’s got several first aid certificates!” Zeb threw his oar in. “And she does martial arts!”  
“Shut up, dickbrain,” Sheila hissed.  
“Not surprised at the martial arts thing,” Olaf said, his eyes narrowing. “But the first aid thing...” His face lit up. “Eir!”

Sheila slowly clapped her hands. “Great! And you didn’t even need to buy a vowel!”

“Wait, what’s the point, really?” Mike put three more bottles onto the counter.  
“Really, yes.” Sheila took one and twisted the cap off. “What’s the point, honestly?”  
“And where do you know that from, anyway?” Mike asked Olaf.  
“Well I am... or I was... the oracle. It’s my job to know these things.”  
“Well you sure as fuck didn’t know shit when you still were the oracle,” Mike shot back. “So why now, all of a sudden?”  
Olaf looked more than slightly hurt. “Just think, Mike! Valkyries can travel between Asgard and Mitgard, so what if we ever needed to get a message across? What if we might need the gods’ help one day?”  
“It’s not as if I had an Asgard-bred horse at my disposal,” Sheila said with a snort and took a sip of beer.  
“Oh,” Olaf said, a crooked smile on his face. “Didn’t they teach you that you don’t need a horse for that?”  
Sheila slowly lowered the bottle. “No, they didn’t, but you know what? I don’t give a flying fuck because as sure as fuck I am not going there.”

Olaf lifted his hands, palm forward, and went back to his seat. Sheila shook her head with another snort and took a sip of beer.

“Hey,” Mike said and leaned a little forward. “I’d always imagined valkyries as imposing women with metal armour that need some serious dents at the front.”  
Sheila lowered her bottle, a sweet smile on her face. “And I thought the god of the hunt would be more impressive than a pathetic, disillusioned middle aged guy selling booze.”  
“Touché.” Anders saluted Mike with his bottle, unable and unwilling to suppress his mirth. 

Mike shook his head, and busied himself with polishing glasses as the laughter ebbed off around him.

“Anders.”  
Anders looked up, and further up into Axl’s face. “Hey there, baby brother!”  
Axl sat down on the bar stool beside him, fidgeting uncomfortably. “I... uhm.” He took a sip of beer. “Gaia talked to me yesterday, about... about... you know.”  
“Yea, I know.” Anders took a sip of beer as well.  
“You know?”  
“She talked to me as well, you know.”  
“She talked to you?”  
Anders looked up again. “You make this sound as if it were a bad thing.”

Axl frowned at him for a moment. “No...” He said then. “I just... Fuck, Anders, I’m sorry...”  
Anders looked at his brother, realising that Axl had trouble meeting his gaze. “Look, I’m sorry too. All I ask is that you don’t blame me anymore and we can put that behind us, okay?”  
“O... okay.”  
It didn’t sound very convincing, but Anders could see that Axl was really trying to get over himself. He saluted him with his bottle. “Drink to that.”  
Axl smiled in relief and knocked back his bottle. 

“Anders?” Mike dropped his dishcloth and leaned forward again.  
“What?”  
“Why on earth did Gaia talk to you? Did you stalk her or what?”  
Anders set the bottle down with a little more force than strictly necessary. “No, I did not stalk her. She showed up at my place because she wanted to apologize and thank me again.”  
“Thank you?” Mike narrowed his eyes. “And did you nail her?”

Anders leaned back and rolled his eyes in exasperation. “No, dear brother of mine, I didn’t. She brought some chocolate cake and we had that and coffee.”  
“You eat chocolate cake?” That was Ty, but he seemed to realised immediately that this wasn’t a very intelligent statement, because he instantly busied himself with his drink.  
“Yes, chocolate cake. So no, I didn’t nail her. And you know what? Even if I wanted to, that’s not going to happen.”  
“And why’s that?” Mike cocked his eyebrows.

Anders demonstratively pointed at his left cheek. “She kissed me on the cheek. And you know what that means.”  
“No, I don’t.”  
“Then ask Ty, I’m sure he has his share of experience with that particular kind of kiss.”  
But Ty shook his head, too uncomfortable to delve into that topic. “Fuck off,” he muttered.  
“Then let me explain.” Anders tapped his cheek again. “This, my friend, means that in her picture, you have been neutered. Being kissed on the cheek means you’re trapped in the friend-zone. Permanently.”  
“Good,” Axl said darkly. “She’s been through enough already.”

“Jesus fucking Christ will you stop that!” Anders didn’t bother to hide the anger in his voice. “I know I’m a prick but just every now and then you could at least give me the benefit of doubt.” Then he grabbed his keys and slid down from his bar stool. “You should rethink your intentions of getting involved with this family,” he told Sheila as he passed her on his way out. “Once they put you in a box, they will sit on it to prevent you from getting out.” He tried not to storm out but his departure was far from being as nonchalant as he would have liked.

“Touchy, aren’t we.” Axl shook his head with a snort.  
“Stop being a dickhead.” Sheila shot him a dangerous glare. “He’s right, you know, about the benefit of doubt thing. Just every now and then.”  
“If you think that, then you haven’t known Anders long enough,” Axl gave back.

The only one watching Anders’ angry departure with a thoughtful frown was Olaf, and the frown stayed on his face for the rest of the evening.

* * *

Having talked to both Axl and Anders had put her mind more at ease than she could have imagined, and with the new calm and confidence Gaia had picked up her life and started to work on getting back on track. She still wasn’t sure she wanted to stay in Auckland, but she was sure that she wouldn’t leave the country again anytime soon. With her inheritance she was in no danger of running out of cash anytime soon either, but she still found herself a job because sitting around all day just wasn’t her.

She had rented a small flat, being tired of living in hotel rooms, and after two weeks, her life had taken on a pleasant routine of working in a coffee shop and being at home, in a place she had all to herself. It was easy to forget, sitting in the little flat with her legs drawn up the old couch bought in a thrift store, that she actually had money enough to buy the whole house. She didn’t like to think about having that much money. It just felt wrong.

Having a job though did have its disadvantages sometimes. Today, for example, when she had a pair of customers that refused to leave before she was actually about to lock them in for the night. It was late, and she had missed the bus home.  
And she was tired, so the thought of spending money on a taxi just didn’t cross her mind.

It wasn’t far, only a few blocks, but only when Gaia was half way home did she remember there was a good reason for her not to be out alone at night. She could suddenly hear steps following her.

Cold fear coagulated in her guts as she walked faster. Someone was following her.

She hurried up, but whoever it was kept their distance, but also matched her pace. Gaia was suddenly close to panic. There was the small alley leading home, but it was narrow and not as well lit as the main road. She continued onward, hoping that she would meet someone, anyone, who was still about at this hour, but the streets were empty. Wondering if whoever it was following her, and she was completely convinced now that it was the fiend, would strike is she would pick up her phone to call for help she wasn’t even aware where she was going when she suddenly recognised the houses. 

Without thinking she shot a glance over her shoulder, and saw the large, broad frame outlined by one of the street lamps. Panicked, she looked up, saw light in the window, and hastily crossed the street. Pressed the doorbell. 

_Please, please, open the door, please let me in..._ Her heart was hammering in her chest, and she could still hear the footsteps, catching up. Gaia bit into her fist to stop herself from making any noise when finally, finally the buzzer sounded that let her enter the door. She slipped through, but the door was slow, too slow, in swinging shut behind her. She almost raced up the stairs.

Anders’s expression of utter confusion might have been comical under different circumstances. But Gaia just pushed past him and fell against the wall, unable to fight back the tears any longer as Anders closed the door.

“What the fuck?”  
Gaia covered her mouth with one hand. “I was being followed,” she said, her voice shaking. “Someone followed me, and he was huge, and he followed me and I didn’t know where to go...”  
Anders looked back and forth between Gaia and the door. “The fuck?” He said again, because he still hadn’t caught up. But when he finally took a closer look at Gaia he realised she was scared shitless. No, she was absolutely terrified.

“Gaia, what were you doing all alone out there at night?”  
Her eyes, filled with tears, were impossibly wide. “I forgot,” she whispered. “I forgot, I was late getting out of work, and the bus was gone and...” The tears fell and she wiped a hand across her face. “Anders I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t be here but I was so scared...”  
Anders opened and closed his mouth a few times, but still was at a loss as to what to say. “Come on,” he finally said, took her elbow and lead over towards the couch. 

He busied himself with making coffee and watched Gaia from the corners of his eyes. She sat hunched over, clutching and unclutching a fold of her coat between her fingers. And she was still visibly shaking. 

He felt a little at a loss as he sat down beside her to offer her a coffee. Gaia nodded slowly and shrugged the coat off her shoulders, but made no move to pick up her cup. Her shoulders began to tremble, and with a sudden sob, she buried her face in her hands.

Anders pressed his lips together and swallowed. Tears. Tears were almost as bad as blood.

Tears of _Anders you’re such an asshole_ , he could handle those. He could also handle the tears of _How could you do this to me, Anders?_

But this, this kind of tears left him helpless. He wanted her to stop, but he really wasn’t good at this emotional stuff. It was more instinct than anything else that made him reach out and place a hand between her shoulder blades.  
The moment he touched her, however, whatever it had been that had held her together suddenly crumbled; she fell against him and went utterly to pieces.

Anders wasn’t quite sure what happened, but at one point he realised he had both arms wrapped around her and just held her while she tried to calm down, all the while chocking out apologies against his chest.

Both of them almost jumped off the couch when Anders’ phone rang.

“Shit.” Anders let go of her and headed towards the kitchen counter. Who would ring him at this hour?

The phone rang three times more while Anders stared at the caller ID.

“Axl? What the fuck? Do you know what time it is?”  
_“You’re the one talking! You’re still awake, aren’t you?”_  
“Well if I hadn’t been awake I sure as fuck would be now, you wanker. What the fuck do you want?”  
_“I just want to tell you to leave your paws off Gaia.”_

Anders stared at his phone before bringing it back to his ear.

“What are you talking about?”  
_“You know exactly what I’m talking about! I know what you can do to women, Bragi or no, and I won’t let you treat Gaia that way!”_  
Anders looked at Gaia in utter incomprehension and Gaia looked back mirroring his expression as she clearly had no idea what was going on.

“Look Axl, I have no clue what you’re on about, so if you...”  
_“I’m on about Gaia being at your place right now! It’s in the middle of the night!”_

Anders stared at the phone again. He didn’t...

“Axl, you little shit, did you follow Gaia from work?”

He could see, from the corner of his eyes, how Gaia tensed.

 _“Yes I did! I drove by and saw she was late closing so I wanted to make sure she was safe!”_  
“You...” Anders bowed over backwards. “You idiot! Why didn’t you tell her?”  
_“Because I didn’t want to freak her out, you...”_  
“And it didn’t cross your mind that she might notice a tall, bulky guy following her at night?”  
_“What? I...”_  
“You dipshit!” Anders ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “She thought you were the fiend! She came here because it was closest, and she almost collapsed when she staggered through my door... Axl, you braindead idiot, you scared the everliving bejesus out of her!”

Anders hadn’t noticed Gaia leaving the couch, but she was suddenly standing beside him and grabbed the phone.

“Axl? That was you?”  
_“Uh... hi Gaia I was...”_  
“Stalking me? Are you...”  
_“You were walking home alone and I...”_  
“Why didn’t you talk to me!” Gaia wiped her face. “You scared seven kinds of crap out of me you idiot! Don’t you dare ever do that again!”

She thrust the phone back at Anders who gingerly took it. If Gaia had been trembling with tears before, now she was shaking with rage.

“Look, bro,” Anders began. “You probably meant well, but that totally backfired. And I can assure you that Gaia is quite save from me.”  
_“As if you’d ever turn down the chance for a fuck!”_  
Anger coiled in Anders’s gut. “So what? Because even if I did, what fucking business is it of yours who I fuck? Or who Gaia fucks, for that matter She’s not your girlfriend anymore, Axl!”  
_“Yes, and I have YOU to thank for it!”_  
“Oh not that again!” Anders’s free hand curled into a fist. “Don’t you dare give me that shit again! And don’t you dare give me any more shit because you fucked up!”

Anders took a deep breath and stared at the phone. “He hung up on me, that bastard. He hung up on me!”

When he looked up again at Gaia he found her stare at him with her mouth a tight line, arms crossed and eyebrows drawn together.

“Should I give you a lift home, maybe?” He asked, and Gaia visibly relaxed.  
“Thanks, Anders. I’d appreciated it very much.”

Anders gave his phone a last shake of his head before her went to get his jacket and keys.


	7. Sometimes everything is wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you're wondering what that chocolate cake is about, you can find the recipe [here](http://lakritzwolf.tumblr.com/cake). I swear this is the god of all chocolate cakes.

* * *

Axl was still fuming when he closed the door behind him. But as he switched on the light he almost had a heart attack when he saw Sheila stand in the hallway, leaning against the wall with crossed arms.

Dressed in a sleeveless vest and pyjama bottoms with a heart pattern she looked utterly adorable, but with her blazing silver-grey eyes glaring at him from between her bright red bangs, she also looked quite dangerous.

“Uh... Hello...” Axl began. “I was just...”  
“Cut the crap.” Sheila pushed herself off the wall. “If you want to make a secret call, baby, you shouldn’t stand out on the front porch yelling into your phone.”  
Axl fidgeted. “I was... I wanted to see if...”  
“I heard.” Sheila still had her arms crossed. “Well at least your part of the conversation, which was impossible not to hear.”  
Axl tried to find something to say.

“Honestly, Axl? You’ve been following Gaia home in the middle of the night?”  
“But I just wanted...”  
“To make sure she’s safe and all, yes, but I am more bothered by the fact that you kept on yelling at your brother to keep his paws off her.”  
“But you know Anders, he is...”  
“I know Anders, and I know all the stories you told me, and you know what, I don’t care, I don’t give a shit about Anders right now. What I want to know is why you are still running after Gaia like a lovesick teenager and yell at men in her vicinity to keep their hands off her! As if that was any of your business!”  
“I just wanted... I don’t want her to get hurt... again...”

Sheila glared at him, eyes flashing with anger. “Sorry, Axl... is she... is she still your girlfriend?”  
“Of course not!” Axl ran both hands through his hair. “How can you say that!”  
“How can you say that to me when you treat her as if you still had a reason to be jealous!”  
“I am not jealous!”  
“Oh, you are. You are jealous and overprotective of your ex, stalking her and forcing your notion of protection onto her, protection she doesn’t want and doesn’t need! I thought you were over her, but the way you act since she showed up here I get my doubts about that! What am I then? A fill-in?”

Axl stared at her open-mouthed for a moment. “Sheila...” he croaked. “Sheila how can you say that?”  
“I say that because it feels like that.” Her shoulders dropped and she shook her head. “You have an issue, a really big issue, and that issue is called Gaia. You need to do some serious thinking, Axl. You need to sort yourself out. You clearly have not put what happened behind you, so now I need to know where your priorities lie. I love you, Axl, and I want to be with you, but I am not going to be your second choice.”

With that, she vanished into her room, closed the door behind her and turned the key in the lock.

Two minutes later, Zeb cautiously stuck his head out of the door to his room. “Hey man, you all right?  
“No.” Axl wiped a hand down his face. “I fucked up, Zeb.”  
“Yes,” Zeb replied with a sigh as he emerged fully from his room. “That was a fuck up of epic proportions.” He took Axl’s arm and dragged him along towards the kitchen. “Have a beer.”  
Axl dropped onto the couch and nodded before burying his face in both hands.

 

* * *

Anders was working through the contents of his mailbox, wilfully ignoring the folded newspaper next to his files. He deleted a few spam mails that had made it through the filter, read the ones from clients giving feedback on drafts and proposals and made a few notes as he did so. Then he opened the junk mail folder to see if something had gone there that shouldn’t have.

_To: a.johnson@johnsonpr.co.nz_  
_Sender: raindancer000@yahoo.com_  
_Subject: Sorry about Wednesday_

Anders hesitated for a moment, then his curiosity got the better of him.

_Hey Anders,_

_Sorry about Wednesday. I know it was stupid top go home alone, but trust me, I’ve learned my lesson and call for a taxi next time the bus is gone. I know I need to stop behaving like a clueless idiot so you can stop saving my sorry ass. So now I guess I owe you another cake? :)_  
_Just in case you still want one, let me know when it works for you and drop me a line._

_Thanks again!_

_Gaia._

Anders took a sip of his coffee and stared at the screen while he pondered his options. He took another sip before putting down the cup and started typing.

_To: raindancer000@yahoo.com_  
_Sender: a.johnson@johnsonpr.co.nz_  
_Subject: Re: Sorry about Wednesday_

_Hey,_

_Yes, seems I can’t get rid of you. Got an event with a client on Friday evening so likely need Saturday for retaliation. Sunday’s fine. I can’t believe I am typing this and making arrangements for a coffee party. The things I do for that cake, baby._  
_Or maybe I’m just getting old._

_See you around._  
_A.J._

_PS Don’t forget the cake._

He hit the send button and was still wondering for the rest of the day what he was getting himself into. Coffee and cake, and next thing he’d find himself being her mental dustbin and listening to her heartbreaks while supplying her with Kleenex. Or worse, was asked about fashion advice. 

“Don’t ever get yourself trapped in the friend zone again,” he muttered to himself when he closed the office door behind him. The thought that he just could have cut it and never replied to that email crossed his mind. Several times, actually. 

Yes, Gaia was more than a pretty thing. During the last two years she had matured into a beautiful woman, but it wasn’t sexual attraction, even if he occasionally couldn’t help the memories that rose in his mind about her body and how she felt. Well so maybe there was a tiny little bit of that. But he wasn’t going to act on it.

And yes, her goddamn cake was addictive; if orgasms had a taste, than this would be it. If they continued this way he’d be the size of a house by next Christmas.

But what it came down to was the fact that she was just being friendly, wasn’t blaming him for shit long past and was the closest thing he had to an ally against the contempt and spite of his brothers. She alone knew how it had felt like. To be forced out of your own body into a blinding abyss of carnal desire while still fully conscious and unable to stop; she betraying her fiancé and he his own little baby brother.

Absentmindedly he touched his cheeks again. Maybe being trapped in the friend zone wasn’t such a bad thing, after all.

* * *

When Gaia closed down that evening Axl was standing next to the closest street lamp, clearly visible and clearly miserable.

“Hey Axl. I don’t need an escort home, I can catch the bus.”  
Axl shoved his hands deeper into his pockets. “I don’t... I mean... I... Can I give you a lift anyway?”  
Gaia crossed her arms.  
“Please? I need... I need to talk.”  
It had been Axl’s puppy eyes who had caught her attention back then, and they were still hard to resist. “Oh okay then.”

The ride back to her place was made in uncomfortable heavy silence. Gaia was waiting for him to start, but he very clearly couldn’t, or simply didn’t know where to start. 

When he finally killed the engine and Gaia clutched her bag, he finally burst out: “Can I come in?”  
Gaia blinked in confusion as she stared at him.  
“I... oh god... shit... I’m not going to... I just want to talk, okay? Please?”  
Gaia shook her head with a sigh. “Okay, come in.”

The sight of Axl on her couch, slumped forward and a picture of utter misery, finally softened Gaia’s heart a little.

“Axl, would you like a drink?”  
He mutely shook his head.  
“Okay.” Settling down in the comfy chair facing him she drew her legs up and got comfortable.  
Axl took a deep breath and picked at his fingers. He didn’t meet her eyes when he spoke. “I didn’t mean to... I fucked up. I know I fucked up. I’m sorry.”  
“Yes, you fucked up. You scared me shitless with that stunt you pulled and I still don’t get why you didn’t just talk to me instead.”  
“I’m not even sure myself,” Axl gave back, voice low and full of pain. “I thought I was being smart but I wasn’t. I’m not a smart guy, Gaia, but I think you know that by now.”  
Gaia couldn’t express a snort of annoyed amusement.

“The thing is...” Axl ran both hands through his hair, but when he dropped them he still didn’t look at her. “I thought I could sidestep... I wanted to...” He finally looked up at her. “The one thing I didn’t want to happen has happened now because I was a dumbass and I don’t know how to fix it!”  
Gaia shifted in her seat and pursed her lips while lifting her eyebrows. She had an idea what Axl was going on about, but she wanted to hear him say it.  
Realising she wouldn’t let him off the hook Axl let his shoulders drop again. “Sheila heard the phone call and now she dumped me because she thinks I’m still in love with you.”  
At that point Gaia did feel sorry for him, but before she could think of something to say, Axl curled his hand into fists.

“I just... I’m such an idiot! I just can’t do anything right! Sheila was the best thing that ever happened to me and now she’s gone because I’m a pathetic little shit who can’t get over himself and now I’ve upset you and my brother and I lost the girl I love and I just don’t know...” He looked up again and Gaia was startled to see tears running down his cheeks. “I don’t know what to do! How can I fix this?”

Gaia swallowed and shook her head, not in denial but in deep thought. She unfolded her legs and got up, headed for the kitchen and started to make some tea. As she readied two mugs, the teabags and waited for the kettle to boil she tried to sort out her own thoughts, but she still had no answer for Axl when she entered the living room again and sat down beside him on the couch, putting the mugs onto the table. 

Axl sat hunched over now, face buried in his hands, shoulders shaking with silent sobs. With a sigh, Gaia knelt onto the couch beside him and slung her arms around him. He fell against her, and Gaia realised at that moment that everything about him, his frame, his warmth, his smell, the sound of his voice, all almost as familiar as breathing to her once, did mean nothing to her anymore. She had been afraid to fall for him again, or for her feelings not to have vanished, that somehow, she had failed to move on.  
But all those fears dissipated at that moment. 

“Oh Axl...” She muttered and ran a hand through his hair.  
“I’m so sorry...” Axl chocked out between sobs. “Gaia, I’m so sorry... what am I going to do now?”  
Gaia thought about this for a moment. “For starters, you just try and calm down. Then you have some tea, and then we’ll figure out what to do.”  
Axl looked up at her. “We?”  
She couldn’t suppress a smile. “Well I’d... I’d like to think of you as a friend, Axl. Unless you don’t want me to be?”

Axl leaned back and took her hands. “No... No, Gaia I’d love that. We’ve been friends before, haven’t we? And maybe...” He broke off and lowered his eyes again. “I...”  
“Maybe we should have stayed like that?” Gaia’s voice was gentle. “Stayed friends and flatmates?”  
“Yeah, maybe.” Axl swallowed hard. “Although I had a pretty bad crush on you.”  
Gaia laughed, but it was a soft laugh devoid of any malice. “Yes, same here, Axl. But it just didn’t work out, did it?”  
“No.” A small, crooked smile appeared on Axl’s face. “No, it didn’t.”

Their eyes met. 

“Axl, do you think it would have worked out between us without any divine interference?”  
He shrugged, shaking his head. “I have no idea.”

Then they both stared smiling hesitantly.

“I think that answers that question anyway,” Gaia said after a while. “If it had been as serious as we wanted it to be, then we wouldn’t have gotten over it in less than two years, don’t you think?”  
The smile on Axl’s face widened a little. “Seems like.”  
Gaia squeezed his hands. “Friends?”  
“Friends,” Axl gave back, and Gaia could see a flood of relief wash over him.  
“Well, we’ve got that sorted, at least,” she chuckled.  
Axl let go of her hands and pulled her into an embrace. “Thank you,” he muttered into her curls. “I’m sorry I’m such a dumb-ass wanker.”  
“You’re not.” Gaia ruffled his hair. “Well, you’re maybe a little dumb, but you’re definitely not a wanker.”  
Axl chuckled, a little shakily, but relieved. 

Gaia let go of his hands then and settled down beside him again and reached for the mugs. She handed one to Axl and, after pulling up her legs, leaned back and took a sip.

“I think...” she said after a moment’s thought, “...that you should talk to Anders first. I think that’s the easier part.”  
“You think so?”  
Gaia nodded firmly. “And once you’ve got that out of your mind you can focus on how to fix things with Sheila.”  
This time it was Axl who nodded. “And... any suggestion on how... what to say to Anders?”  
“Say sorry,” Gaia said simply. “Go to his place and tell him you’re sorry. Apologize for what you said. And I think the most important thing is come to terms with the Bragi and Idun shit and finally let that go. I’ve told you before it wasn’t his fault and you need to acknowledge that. Because if you can’t put that behind you, you’ll never be able to move on.”  
“I’ve tried to forgive him,” Axl said slowly. “I really did, but...”

“Axl,” Gaia interrupted him gently. “The point is not to forgive him. If someone had pointed a gun to his head to force him to do it, would you need to forgive him?”  
“Of course not...” Axl said meekly. “But I...”  
“This was worse, Axl.” Gaia leaned forward and met his eyes, holding his gaze as she spoke. “This wasn’t just something we did against our will. We didn’t just lose control, we were forced out of it. I couldn’t stop it, I literally could not stop my body from doing these things. I felt everything, Axl. I felt every touch, every kiss, and...” She swallowed hard. “Everything. And I could not stop it. I was forced to watch, to feel, to hear, to smell... to have sex with a man I did not want. My body was... remote controlled and was even enjoying it and... and I was left fully conscious the whole time, but... shoved into a corner. It was... it was terrible.” She closed her eyes and shuddered. 

Axl put a hand on her forearm, gently closing his fingers around it. Gaia opened her eyes again and swallowed. 

“Maybe Anders brushed it off easier. But it was the same for him. I saw his eyes when... when everything was over, and I didn’t only feel sorry for myself. I felt sorry for him, too, even if I didn’t have a lot pity to spare at that moment. And I knew he was going to feel the brunt of the consequences. I just couldn’t... I didn’t have the strength to do something about it. Turns out it was even worse than I could have imagined, or I might have said... or done... I don’t know.... something before I left.”  
Axl took a deep, shaky breath.  
“Axl, you hurt him. You all did, and I think you shouldn’t be the only one apologizing to him. But do it. Go to him, believe me, you’re going to feel better for it.”

Axl looked up, and finally nodded.

* * *

Anders had just left the shower when the doorbell rang, but since he could recognize Axl through the door viewer he didn’t bother with replacing the towel around his hips with something more decent.

“Hey, bro.” He closed the door behind him. “What brings you here into my humble domicile?”  
Axl tried to smile, but failed utterly. Anders sensed the stress his brother was in and cocked his head. “What’s wrong? Do I need to bail you out of something again?”  
“What?” Axl jerked as if just torn out of a dream. “Wha... no. No! No, I was just...” He swallowed and took a deep breath. “I need to talk.”  
Anders lifted one eyebrow and crossed his arms. “About...?”  
“Gaia,” Axl gave back, realising only what he had said when he could see Anders’s face darken.  
“No! No, shit, I am such a fuck up, no, not like that.” He started pacing around nervously, watched by Anders who leaned against the wall. “Not Gaia, not like this, but about... about last Wednesday...”  
“Yes, that was one of your less brilliant ideas.”  
“It was the biggest, most stupid fuck-up I ever...” He broke off helplessly.  
“Yes, I can fully agree.”

“Anders, I...” Axl swallowed again, shoulders sagging. “I’m sorry. I am so sorry. I should never have done that stupid... stalking thing, and I should never have... have said those things to you. I...” He all but gulped for air. “I have fixed things with Gaia and... and I’m sorry I gave you so much... such a hard time because of what... what happened. I know it wasn’t your fault, but I was so angry and so frustrated and I hurt and I needed someone to blame and I’m sorry it was you because...”  
“Take a breath before you asphyxiate yourself.” Anders shook his head with a small smile. “Are you for real?”  
“What do you mean?” Axl’s voice broke and the last word came out as a pathetic little squeak.  
“I mean...” Anders pushed himself off the wall and walked over to close his hands around Axl’s forearms. “I mean, that I can forgive you, if I could be sure you mean it.”  
“But I do...” Axl said in a tiny voice. “I’ve brought you a gift.”  
Anders chuckled under his breath. “Seriously?”

Axl nodded and slipped a hand into his pocket, producing a small, wrapped package the size of his hand. He held that out to Anders, unable to meet his older brother’s eyes.  
With a cocked eyebrow Anders took the package and picked the paper apart.

A small figurine looked back at him, intricately carved and painted, creating the perfect impression of moss- or algae-covered stone. A male figure with long, wavy hair and beard, a trident in his right hand. His eyebrows rising almost into his hairline, Anders looked up again. 

Axl shoved both hands deeper into his pockets, shoulders hunched up. “It’s... uh... it’s Neptune, god of the sea...” He smiled hesitantly. “It’s... it’s for your aquarium.”  
Anders stared at the figurine again and felt his insides turn into a puddle of goo. “Oh Axl...” He looked up again, eyes growing soft. “Are you serious?”  
A strained smile on his face, Axl nodded. 

Unable to meet his brother’s eyes Anders turned around and headed for his fish tank. Muttering endearments to the fishes that shot away from his hand he carefully settled the figurine into place and wiped his hand on the towel around his hips after closing the lid again. 

For a moment they looked at each other in a somewhat awkward silence, then Anders stepped forward and closed his arms around his little brother who topped him by more than a foot. Axl returned the hug, almost squeezing the air out of Anders’s lungs.  
When they broke the embrace and Anders stepped back again, his towel had been loosened enough to surrender to gravity and he hastily bend down to pick it up again. 

They shared an embarrassed little chuckle before Anders vanished into the bedroom. When he emerged again, he was wearing a pair of briefs and a T-shirt.

“You know, that reminds me of the day when you broke my favourite mug and came back later that day with a drawing of said mug to say sorry.” His left dimple appeared. “I think you were four years old or something.”  
Axl rubbed the back of his neck, too embarrassed to speak.  
The right dimple joined the left one. “I think I still have it somewhere.”  
“No shit?”  
“No shit.” 

Anders vanished into the bedroom again and Axl peeked cautiously around the corner to find him digging through his wardrobe. Anders produced a small cardboard box that he cautiously set onto the bed before slowly lifting the lid. Axl couldn’t see what was in the box, but he felt his throat go dry when Anders walked over to him with a sheet of paper. On it, in the unmistakable scrawl of a four-year-old, was what could be a mug with a picture of some sort of four-legged animal on it. It was signed in bold letters of green crayon: SROY AXL.

  


“Sroy?” Axl looked up, so embarrassed by now that he felt his face glow.  
“You tried to write sorry,” Anders replied with a dimpled grin.  
“And you kept that? Seriously?” His throat tightened at seeing this, he couldn’t even remember the incident. It was hard to meet his brother’s eyes after that. “Why?”

Anders carefully placed the old piece of paper back into the box and closed the lid before he straightened up again. He had never forgotten little Axl’s tear-stained face as he was being presented with that drawing, as little as he had forgotten the drubbing the broken mug had earned him because he had never corrected his father’s assumption that it had been Anders breaking the cup and not one of his brothers. He put the box back and turned to face Axl again. 

The likeness of the two faces was unmistakable, between the little boy of his memories and the young man before him, and not only because of the tear-stained cheeks. 

“Why did I keep it?”  
Axl nodded mutely.  
“I kept it because...” Anders rubbed the back of his neck with one hand. “To remind me of the fact that just because we hurt each other sometimes doesn’t mean we don’t love each other anymore.” 

After a single, helpless sob Axl sat down heavily onto the edge of the bed, covered his face in his hands and broke into tears. Anders sat down beside him.

“I’m so sorry,” Axl rasped between sobs. “I’m so sorry Anders. I love you, you know?”  
Anders pulled him close and fondly ruffled his hair. “Love you too.”


	8. That nonsense doesn't mean a thing

* * *

Axl was barely drifting into consciousness when the door to his room opened and Sheila popped her head in.

“Hey, is my yellow bra in here somewhere?”  
“Whu... what?” Axl blinked sleepily up at her. “I have no idea.”  
Sheila entered unceremoniously and began to dig through various layers of sedimented clothing.  
“What are you doing?”  
“Laundry.” Sheila pulled the bra she was after free from a pile and removed one of Axl’s socks that clung to the hooks. “I need to pack.”

Axl was suddenly wide awake. “What? But...” He almost fell out of the bed and hastily reached for a T-shirt. “Why? I thought...”  
“Don’t burst a blood vessel.” Sheila picked up a pair of panties as well. “I’m not leaving because of you.”  
“Oh.” Axl smoothed his hair back and tried to calm down. “Cool. I mean... why do you leave?”

Sheila looked up with a sigh. “My mother called me about an hour ago. One of my cousins has been diagnosed with leukaemia and now they call together as many members of the family as they can to find a suitable bone marrow donor. I already rang in at work; I’m taking four weeks of unpaid leave.” She smiled wryly. “One of the advantages of living in a huge family is that when they pool together to cover for your travel expenses, then you’re covered.”  
Axl felt his heartbeat slowly calming down. “Sorry to hear that, about your cousin, I mean.”  
Sheila shrugged. “I don’t know her too well, but it’s family. We stick together.”  
“As opposed to the ever arguing Johnson Clan, eh?”  
“For example,” Sheila replied with a chuckle. “Because we certainly do not argue. Ever.”

They exchanged a look, then a smile.

“Hey, Sheila...” Axl moved and patted the bed beside him. “Can we... can we talk? Just for a few minutes?”  
Sheila mustered him and slowly sat down.  
“See I...” Axl rubbed his hands together. “I did what you told me to. I thought, and I think... no, I know I sorted myself out.” He cautiously looked at her. “I talked to Gaia last night. About my fuck-up and... all this.” He sighed. “But we’re good now. Friends.”  
With a cock of her head, Sheila lifted her eyebrows.  
“We’re just friends. Again.” Axl was pleased to notice that his voice conveyed what he felt. “Yes, I had issues, but I thought about them, and I talked about them. With Gaia. And my brother. We’re good. Again. All good.”

Sheila dropped her head for a moment and when she looked up, her facial expression had softened. “Kudos,” she said. “I knew you’d come to that, but I didn’t expect it to happen so soon. I was rather looking forward to put some distance between us to help sort things, but it turns out things are already sorted.”  
Axl smiled shyly and shrugged.  
“Oh Axl.” Shaking her head, Sheila leaned against him. “What am I supposed to do now? I thought when I’m away I could look forward to work things out with you when I come back, and now all I can do is pine and whine.”  
“Hey.” Axl shrugged. “Isn’t that better?”  
“Yes.” Sheila dropped her laundry and crawled onto the bed to kneel beside Axl. “But instead of thinking about you and wait for you to sort yourself, I can concentrate on missing you.”

Axl was sure he was sporting the most ridiculous, lovesick smile, but he didn’t care. Not when Sheila did that, peek at him from between her adorable red bangs with a smile that somehow shot straight to his groin. He closed his eyes when she rested her hands on his cheeks. “How long... when’s your plane going?”  
A touch of lips on lips. “Let’s put it this way,” Sheila muttered. “If you help me with the packing and give me a lift to the airport, then I have a little time to spare right now.”  
Axl smiled against her lips as he pulled her down.

* * *

Gaia set her bag down onto the kitchen counter and stared at the table in a mixture of disbelief and amusement. The table was nicely laid out for two, plates, cups, forks, a coffee pot and even a vase with flowers.

“Flowers?” Gaia turned to Anders with an incredulous little chuckle. “Are you serious?” Then she narrowed her eyes. “Are you hitting on me?”  
Anders cocked his head, eyes widening, and put on the most innocent expression he could muster. “Me? Nah.” He shrugged. “I just thought if I’m going to be trapped in the friend zone like a gay best buddy I might as well act the way. Make you feel comfortable.”  
“Wait... what?” She shook her head and crossed her arms. “What are you even talking about?”  
Anders tapped his cheek. “I’m talking about being trapped in the friend zone. Anyway, did you bring the cake?”  
Gaia frowned at him for a moment before she produced a covered platter from the bag. “Would be awkward if I came to bring you cake and then forget it.”

Anders extended a forefinger at her. “Well maybe _you_ are trying to hit on _me_.”  
“Anders!” Gaia laughed under her breath and shook her head. “Why would I... trap you... in the friend zone and then hit on you?”  
He shrugged and indicated towards the table. “Beats me. Women can be cruel, cruel creatures sometimes.”

Shaking her head, Gaia removed the cling film and carried the platter towards the table. “Looks nice, though. You made a real effort. I couldn’t have imagined you even own a vase.”  
“Oh I didn’t,” Anders replied casually. “I bought it. Special occasion.”  
Gaia shook her head again.  
“Don’t you like it?”  
“I do like it.” Gaia frowned at him. “It just looks a little... out of place in your bachelor flat.” Then her facial expression softened. “I appreciate the effort, though I still don’t get why you’re doing this. I mean... I didn’t even friendzone you on purpose.”  
Anders cocked his head. “You mean you kissed my cheek accidentally?”  
“No, I didn’t.” Gaia finally put the platter down. “Why does that trap you in the friend zone anyway?”  
He exhaled with a soft snort. “You don’t know? A woman kisses men like that for two reasons: Either because she’s been married to him for like twenty years, or because he’s her friend and not a sexual being to her.”

Gaia looked at him with slightly lowered eyelids, head tilted to one side. “I just... why does that upset you so much anyway?”  
“I am not upset.” Anders adjusted his cuff links. “I was merely pointing out the obvious.”  
“Well if that didn’t set something off in your mind you wouldn’t have brought it up, would you?”  
“Maybe I don’t like being trapped in the friend zone?” He smiled cockily.  
“Well I didn’t do it on purpose because honestly, I still don’t really believe you would want to touch me with a ten foot pole.”  
“Maybe I don’t.” Anders lowered his voice. “But the fact remains that you are a very beautiful woman.”  
Gaia swallowed and didn’t know where to look for a moment. She met his eyes again and god, she hated when he looked so utterly pleased with himself. “So if you’re friendzoned, why are you flirting with me?”  
“I wasn’t flirting, I was merely stating the truth,” Anders replied smoothly. “Coffee?”

Gladly accepting the opportunity to change the subject Gaia nodded and sat down. Anders poured the coffee while she handled the cake. 

“So,” he began after he had savoured the first forkful of cake. “If you stop getting into trouble how can I get my hands onto more of that cake in the future?”  
Gaia almost choked on her coffee and she just managed to not spit it across the table before erupting into laughter. “I could give you the recipe,” she chuckled after calming down, noticing how Anders seemed not really amused. “Or I don’t know... you could just ask me every now and then and I come over with some?”  
“See.” Anders pointed at her with his fork. “Friendzoned.”  
Gaia rolled her eyes. “Or maybe I’m only leading you on and try to buy my way into your heart with that cake? I mean... there is that saying that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”

Anders leaned a little forward after spearing the last piece of cake on his plate. “You know, I used to think that was bullshit, but if there ever was something that would get close to that statement, it would be this cake.”  
Gaia felt her face heat up. “Anders, you’re impossible.”  
“Impossible...” Anders said with a smirk that made his left dimple appear, “...is not part of my vocabulary.” He popped the cake into his mouth and held out his plate, his facial expression the epitome of begging puppy. 

Gaia handed him another slice and smiled. “Well if I ever feel the need to, then I know how to go about it.”  
“Please don’t.” Anders accepted the plate back. “I’d have to replace the contents of my wardrobe and there’s a few shirts I really hate to throw out.”  
“You could take up exercising. Jogging, for example.”  
Anders stared at her with widening eyes. “And run around huffing and puffing like Ty? The fuck I do.”  
“Well...” Gaia smiled coyly. “Most women do like an athletic, trim body.”  
“I already have that and besides...” Anders replied, lowering his eyelids. “...my charm does that job quite nicely.”  
“Sure.” Gaia took a bite of her cake. “How does that even work out for you without Bragi?”  
“Just fine.” Anders took a sip of coffee. “You don’t need to worry on my account.”

Gaia chuckled and clutched her own cup, staring into the dark liquid. 

“Since you probably don’t want to foray into what I did during the last two years...” Anders began after a pause, “...how about you tell me about London?”  
Gaia sighed and put her cup down. “My landlord and my boss forgot me.”  
“You mentioned that. So you were what? Homeless and on the dole the whole time?”  
Shaking her head, Gaia swallowed. “No.”

Anders remained silent as he watched her. Whatever happened in London was more than dealing with being a hobo for a time, but it wasn’t his business. He wasn’t sure if he even wanted to know. Fuck if he knew why he had brought it up in the first place. 

“I think I mentioned before that going to London had been a stupid idea.” Her voice was suddenly brittle. “And I didn’t know anyone but I didn’t even have a place to live anymore and no cash for a deposit. I made it for a few nights in a cheap hotel, and when I say cheap, I mean like... bedbugs and mouldy wallpaper cheap. And then I met Lara. She... she calls herself a street art performer, she and a couple of her friends made music and danced and painted pictures onto the sidewalk and earned some money with that. I had checked out of my hotel and was wondering where I’d sleep that night and just sat down and watched them for a while. I was lonely... and I wanted to be a part of them.” She threaded her fingers together. “And she just walked up to me and asked if I was a backpacker and where I was from. I told her I’m a Kiwi but that I had run out of money and didn’t know where to sleep that night. And she said she’d wondered why I looked so sad. She invited me to her home.” A sad smile spread on her lips. “She was so sweet and so were her friends.”

“You say that as if that was a bad thing,” Anders said after a long moment of silence. And there he was, being her mental dustbin after all.  
Gaia shrugged. “It just... it went downhill from there. It started with smoking pot. And they smoked a lot of that. Cookies, too.” She looked up with a wry smile. “Did you know that you can use dope as a spice?”  
Anders cocked one eyebrow.  
“It’s really good with scrambled eggs.” She snorted softly under her breath. “And there were always parties. And I always met new people. And more parties and sit-ins and more new people. And then... then a few people sat down one day with a hookah. I joined them but I have no idea what they were smoking. I woke up the next morning in a bed next to a guy I couldn’t even remember meeting.” She swallowed and hunched her shoulders. “He gave me a lift back to Lara’s place. And I felt so sick and disgusted with myself. But I still had no money and no place to live, but I realised I needed to get out of there. I started looking for a job again.”

She broke off, her voice suddenly hoarse. Covering her face with one hand she went on, and Anders got up with a shake of his head to fetch some Kleenex. Dustbin. Check. Kleenex. Check. 

“Thank you.” Gaia’s voice was thick with tears she was visibly trying to hold back. She clutched the paper between her hands. “I got sick. Like really puking-my-guts-out sick. It’s lucky that I had a social security number so I was covered but it took me a while to get myself together to go see a doc. Turns out I was pregnant.” Her voice broke again and the first tears fell. 

Anders sat down again. Rarely had he felt so uncomfortable in his life and he cursed himself for having brought that topic up. All he had wanted was some cake, and now she was going to pieces at his table and he could only fidget and hope it would be over soon. Plus that he did feel sorry for her as well. She had had shit luck in London.

“So I got scared, and I panicked, but I talked with the doc and a midwife and they got me in touch with people who helped me find a place to live and a job... and then... I was like ten weeks I think... I collapsed at work and bled half to death before I made it to the hospital. Turns out it was an ectopic pregnancy, so I’m lucky I didn’t bleed to death.” She took another Kleenex and wiped her face. “I thought getting away from all gods as far as possible would... I hoped I would get my life back. It didn’t work.” She wiped her eyes again. “Now I’m kind of stranded again. I mean, I have money and a job and a flat but I have no idea what to do with myself...” She finally looked up and suddenly bit her lip. “Oh my god, I’m sorry... I’m so sorry Anders... You didn’t want to hear all that...”

Anders could only shrug. “Well, I started it.”  
“Yes, but I’m sure that this was far too much information...” She hastily got up and walked towards the kitchen counter, her eyes to the ground as she took her bag. “I’d better go.” She was already on her way to the door before Anders had gotten up.

She didn’t meet his eyes when she opened the door and Anders had reached her. “I’m sorry. I guess... I don’t know.”  
“I could grab the opportunity that just presented itself and claim this as another cake due sometime in the future.”

It worked. Gaia finally looked up and although her cheeks were still wet and her eyes red and puffy, she smiled at him. Her voice was still cracked, however. “I couldn’t imagine you still want me anywhere near you.”  
“I guess I can’t have your cake without enduring your presence as well so I have to...” He broke off when he saw Gaia’s facial expression. “Hey, I was just shitting you.”

With a wry smile Gaia stepped forward and hugged him. Anders returned the hug and noticed for the first time that her hair smelled faintly of herbs and flowers. She stepped back and shrugged with an uncomfortable smile before she turned around and left. Anders closed the door with a sigh.

He tried not to think about what Gaia had said as he cleaned up, put plates, cups and cutlery into the dishwasher and wiped the table down. He left the flowers, however, and sat down with another cup of coffee with his laptop. And before he even realised what he was doing, he had googled _ectopic pregnancy_.

He closed the laptop with a curse and stomped towards the kitchen to equip himself with more cake before flopping down in front of the TV.

* * *

No sooner than she had closed the door of her flat behind her Gaia burst into tears again. She hadn’t told anyone yet about what had happened to her in London and she had certainly never intended Anders, of all people, to be the first one to whom she would talk about it. She was mortified.  
She dropped her bag and kicked off her shoes, undressing as she walked, and after carelessly dumping her clothes as they came off she crawled into her bed. Pulling the blanket over her head she began to calm down but still felt the burning feeling of embarrassment when she thought back of how she blurted it all out, and how uncomfortable he must have been. 

She kept on tossing in her bed and finally gave it up as a bad idea. A cup of tea later she settled down onto her couch and picked up the book she had started reading, but her thoughts drifted and her eyes couldn’t remain focussed on the letters. It was when she remembered Anders’s puppy eyes when he had asked for more cake that a smile ghosted over her face. And she had to admit that he did use a very pleasant aftershave.


	9. I need something to breathe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter contains very graphic nightmares and flashbacks.

* * *

_Lust is burning her body, a veil of carnal desire clouding her mind. She feels her body, but can no longer control it. Desire is burning her, a hunger ravaging her until there is nothing left. He is the only one who can fill that gaping void in her soul._

_But suddenly, the lust turns into pain. Indescribable, searing, burning pain... her body being torn apart from the inside. She can feel the blood, can smell the blood, feels as she bleeds her life out in pain she has no words to describe._

_She can’t even speak, no strength left in her to breathe._

_Until she suddenly feels more than see someone standing at her side. She can hardly see more than a silhouette, but she can see where the person is looking. She follows their gaze, towards the pool of blood. It’s far too much... she shouldn’t be alive after losing that much. And then her heart stops._

_The blood has turned into a pool, and she can see a hand sticking out of that pool. She moves to grab it, and holds an infant in her hands, a newborn infant, drowned in her blood. Dead. A dead baby._

_Suffocated by agony she looks up and suddenly recognises the man who looks down at her with a stony, broken face. But no matter how much she tries to call to him, tell him it wasn’t her fault, he can’t hear her. There is a thick wall of glass between them._

_She tries to get up to get to him, but as soon as she stands, something grips her throat, suffocating her, pressing her against a wall. She can’t breathe, can only feel pain... but suddenly, she hears a voice._

_“Hey! Hey!”_

_The man who has been choking her turns around and lashes out with his knife._

_Anders crumples into a heap, helplessly pressing his hands to the gash in his throat where blood pumps out in bright red gushes. She is frozen, can’t scream, is forced to watch as Anders bleeds his life out on the tarmac._

_So much blood..._

_The fiend turns around, his masked face a sight of terror, his grin feral, his eyes the empty pools of someone utterly, ravingly mad._

Gaia shot upright with a hoarse scream of terror.

There was no blood. There was no dead baby. There was no pain, no lust, and no...

She ran her hands down her face that was, as she discovered in dismay, wet with tears. 

No Anders looking at her, eyes empty and broken.

And no Anders bleeding to death before her very eyes. 

Sitting up she rocked her body back and forth until she had calmed her breathing somewhat down. The images of her dream still haunting her, she headed for the bathroom on unsteady legs, and after that, into the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea. Equipped with that she went back to bed again, summoning back the images of her dream to make them lose their terror. 

It wasn’t the first time she had dreamed about bleeding to death and losing her baby although, to be honest, at the stage where she had been there had been nothing nowhere near a baby. It was what her mind made of what happened.

But it was definitely the first time that Anders had been a part of her nightmares and she shuddered at the memory of his blood. She was a trained nurse, and she needed no fantasy and no imagination to know how it looked when someone bled to death, or how it looked when someone’s carotid artery had been cut.

She reminded herself that Anders did, in fact, not pay with his life for saving hers. He was very much alive and still annoying as fuck...

And if he was, why was she suddenly spending so much time with him? A lopsided smile appeared on her face. The fact was that when she had forced herself to face her ghosts of the past and confront him again, not to speak of thanking him properly for saving her life, she had suddenly seen a different side of him. 

Attraction? Maybe. He was a very handsome man. Those dimples could kill any woman who wasn’t completely numb and blind. Gaia chuckled to herself when she imagined his face if she would ever tell him that. Not that she ever would, because his dimples were definitely no business of hers, as little as her dreams were any business of his.

She still felt a little queasy when fetched another cup of tea; her dream had left her more shaken than she had initially thought. It was for the best that it was weekend now so she had more than enough time to retaliate before going back to work on Monday.

* * *

Ty had just started making dinner and was chopping onions and peppers when Dawn came home and shut the door behind her with a huff of breath.

“Bad day at work?”  
Dawn rolled her eyes. “I’ve had worse days.” She put down her bag. “But not many.”  
“Was he hung over?” Ty swept the chopped vegetables into a bowl. “As usual?”  
“No...” Dawn looked thoughtfully past him, a frown on her face. “Not hung over. Just... cranky.”  
“Isn’t that the same?” Ty asked with a small, half-annoyed smile.  
“Believe me.” Dawn poured herself some water from the carafe on the kitchen counter. “I know when Anders is hung over. He makes no effort to hide how miserable he is. Today...” She shrugged. “Both aggressive and apologetic at the same time.”  
“Yes, I guess he has to put a little more effort into keeping you employed without Bragi.”

Dawn shook her head and settled down on the sofa. She cocked her head, her frown turning into puzzlement. “Why do I only think of this now? You know... he never, ever used the Bragi thing to tell me not to resign. He only used it to tell me... He only ever told me how important I was to him and what a good job I was doing, and that he couldn’t do it without me.”  
“He’s certainly right about that,” Ty said and set the vegetables aside and reached for a plate with chopped beef. “Without you he wouldn’t have lasted a week, and he still wouldn’t.”  
“Yes, maybe but... why didn’t he ever tell me just to do my job and stay put?”  
“Maybe he just has a bit of conscience after all,” Ty said as he sprinkled seasoning over the meat before him. 

Dawn looked into her glass. “Do you ever wonder why he didn’t hit on me?”  
Ty paused. “Well...” Wiping his fingers on a towel he walked around the kitchen counter and sat down beside her. “He told me once that... that you are no game. That you were too important to him. He even...” He cleared his throat.  
“Ty?”  
“He...” Ty nervously kneaded his fingers. “I asked him... you know... when you’d forgotten me the first time?”  
Dawn smiled gently and took one of his hands.  
“Well I... I was getting pretty desperate and asked him... I asked him to do the Bragi thing on you...”

Dawn dropped his hand. “You what?”  
Ty gave her a pleading stare. “Please, I was getting desperate! I didn’t know what to do! I know it was a bad idea but...” He ran both hands through his hair. “I’m sorry, Dawn, please don’t be mad at me! I really didn’t...”  
“Okay, I get it, but still... I think you should have told me that earlier.”  
“I didn’t...” Ty hunched his shoulders. “I didn’t dare because I feared you’d...”  
“Dump you?” Dawn shook her head. “Probably not... but I am a little angry right now.” She cleared her throat. “So... what did Anders say to that?”

Ty gave her a rueful smile. “He flat out refused. No matter what I said, he didn’t want to hear it. He just told me I was freaking you out, and that I was a creepy stalker and you know... he was right, but I couldn’t...”  
Dawn patted his shoulder. “It’s all right, here we are... so stop freaking out, please?”  
After pressing his lips together for a moment Ty nodded and smiled hesitantly. “He... well I guess he found a compromise at one point between helping me and not wanting to manipulate you, because you came to my place wanting to know the cupcake recipe.”  
“So he was manipulating me.” Dawn’s frown was back.  
“But... only a little. He could have told you all sorts of things, but the only thing he did was making you seek me out, creating a pretence, so to speak. It... it didn’t end well anyway.”

“It worked out in the end, and I think... Well, I guess what he did wasn’t any worse than telling me he couldn’t do without me.” She smiled crookedly. “Which was, and still is, the truth, so he just made sure I really believe it.”  
“And here I always thought Anders was a prick without a conscience.” Ty shook his head. “I mean... I know he was always ready to help us with anything, but he also abused the Bragi thing to get anything he wanted.” Then he looked up with a shrug. “So I guess his bad moods are still your problem.”  
“They probably are,” Dawn gave back in mock resignation.  
“And his hangovers are too. You know, if not for his own sake he could stop getting drunk on weekdays for yours.”  
“He wasn’t hung over today,” Dawn gave back. “As I said... you know, actually, it was just like back when... back when he was just back to work after that... fiend thing.”  
“Fiend thing?” Ty tilted his head, confusion visible on his features.  
“Yes, when he was back from the hospital. He just... he looked bleary eyed all the time, completely tired out. It wasn’t before I told him I’d drag him to a doctor myself if he didn’t go on his own that he finally did so.”  
“And...?”  
“And,” Dawn said. “And within days, he got better, but all he let on was that he’d gotten himself some pills that helped take care of his sleep deprivation. And even that I had to force out of him.”

Ty shook his head in thoughtful silence. “Why did he never talk about that to any of us?”  
“Well, I guess you are as aware as I am that Anders is not a man who admits such things, hence his refusal to see a doctor. I’m sure after what happened he should have gotten some sort of trauma counselling, or whatever.”  
“Trauma counselling?” Ty snorted under his breath. “Anders?”

Dawn leaned back, disbelief with annoyance mingling in her expression. “Well... he faced off a madman wielding a knife and was lucky to have escaped in one piece. Being forced to run for your life can take some people that way.”  
Ty failed to think of a reply.  
“That never crossed your mind?” Dawn’s voice was low. “That your brother wasn’t far away from having a near-death experience? A man twice his size went for him with a knife and he had to jump down a five yard drop to save his skin and you are surprised that he’s suffering from sleep disorders?”

Ty still had his mouth open and still couldn’t think of something to say. “I know Anders and his brothers have never been on the best of terms, so...” Dawn shrugged. It’s not as if you are hanging out much together. But I’ve worked with him for years now and as a PA you get to know your boss pretty well. As I said, I know for sure that today wasn’t a hangover.”  
“So he was cranky and aggressive towards you because he didn’t sleep well?”

Dawn heaved a heavy sigh, her eyes narrowing. “Ty, sleep disorder doesn’t only mean you don’t sleep well, it means most times, you don’t sleep at all. And I’m pretty sure he has nightmares.”  
“Nightmares? Come on, Dawn, you know as well as I do that Anders has a thicker hide than that.”  
Dawn crossed her arms. “A thick hide has nothing to do with this...”  
“Who made you a professional in this?” Ty narrowed his eyes at her.”  
“Do you think I got him to see a doctor with batting my eyelashes at him? I spent hours on the web checking symptoms and I even joined a forum and I had to threaten him with aggravation if he didn’t do something before he listened. By that time he looked like a zombie and I had to re-do more than half of the things he’d done.”

Ty had fallen silent and now stared at her, shaking his head, lips still parted from his attempt at finding something to say. When he finally closed his mouth he shook his head and looked down at his hands. “I feel kind of like an ass right now,” he muttered after a moment.  
“Maybe you should have a beer with him?” Dawn said slowly and leaned back, crossing her legs. “I know that Anders is the opposite of an epitome of virtue, but he is still your brother.”  
Ty looked up, sighed, and nodded.

* * *

_Locking himself away in his flat wouldn’t help. He was fucked, and he knew it. He knew it even before the doorbell rang. He couldn’t not open it._

_That awful feeling of his body doing things his mind had no means to control_.

_His body soaring high on the best sex he had ever had._  
_His mind recoiling in horror and disgust._

_The faces of his brothers, disgusted and disappointed and angry and furious and loathing him as his body locked down in the force of an orgasm that almost tore his brains out._

_And still he couldn’t stop it. Couldn’t stop kissing her, groping her, having her hands on his body the only thing that could cool his burning skin. His voice moaning and grunting and gasping for breath and mingling with hers while his mind was screaming no and wasn’t heard or was ignored._

_Fucking her hard into the mattress. Having her ride him. Fucked her against the wall of his bedroom._

Dreamscapes are weird, they change locations and people involved at what might be a whim. Dreamscapes can be bitches. 

_Suddenly, he wasn’t the one fucking her anymore. She was still pressed against the wall, and it was not in his flat anymore. He watched someone else fuck her against a concrete wall, and her moans turned to screams, lust turning into pain._  
_He was still trapped and unable to move. Forced to watch as the brute of a man stepped back from her. Watching helplessly as she collapsed, blood gushing out of her and pooling under her body. Still... she was so very still. And the monster spun around. He had Anders’s face._

Anders shot up with a yelp of terror. His heart was hammering, his throat dry and his mind reeling. He was drenched in cold sweat and shaking like a leaf in the wind. 

“Shit...” his voice was cracked and hoarse. 

Covering his face with both hands Anders tried to calm down. It hadn’t been the first time his dreams had gone back to that day, summoned the abyss of the carnal, feral madness and left him shaking when he woke up. But to have this on top of everything was more than he could handle. 

Blood... so much blood... he barely made it to the bathroom in time.

The bitter taste of bile still in his mouth he headed for the kitchen to have a glass of water... and froze in the doorway. The light in the aquarium had shut down for the night, and the small reading lamp Anders had always switched on, always, had gone out. And despite the dim light coming through the open bathroom door behind him, the room before him was dark. 

After a few heartbeats he dashed towards the wall and hit the light switch with the full force of his body; the lights in the room went on and he gripped the kitchen counter for support. 

Anders was afraid of the dark.

_No more than doing what eight-year-old boys in school do, throwing spit balls at each other, but the teacher, a stand-in in because the much more patient and tolerant Miss Grant was sick, was an old man and not in the mood for bullshit. The three of them had been disciplined with being kept in for another hour after school and equipped with a letter; to be returned the next day signed by a parent._

_Already upon leaving the school Anders had known he was in trouble. And the closer he got to home, the slower his steps became as he dreaded what was to come. He crept in through the door but there was no avoiding and no hiding, his father had to sign the letter so he could do nothing but confess._

_“Why are you late?” His mother asked._  
_“And more than hour!” His father crossed his arms. “What have you been up to?”_

_At a loss for words, Anders held out the letter to his father, his hands trembling and his gut clenching. He watched his father open the envelope and watched his face darken as he read._

_The slap to his face didn’t come unexpected, but his father gripping his wrist and dragging him outside did. Initially he thought he would have to spend some time in the shed, but this time, his father opened the hatch to the root cellar below._

_After another slap to the face his father left him, pulled up the retractable stairs and shut the hatch._

_The cellar was cold and damp and full of spiders, the naked light bulb at the ceiling shed only a dim light, leaving the corners in darkness. Anders sat down on the hard dirt floor, pulled up his knees and slung his arms around them. He was hungry; he hadn’t been given the chance to have lunch._

_He didn’t know how long he had sat there when the lamp overhead suddenly flickered. Anders looked up and the bulb flickered again, then one last time and went out. He jumped to his feet, but in the absolute pitch black darkness, he didn’t even dare to move._

_“Dad?”_  
_No answer._  
_“Dad? Dad! The light has gone out! Dad!”_

_No one answered._

_“Dad! Dad!!! DAD!”_

_No one was there to hear him. And then he realised he couldn’t even sit down again lest he risk sitting on a spider. Those large, hairy black ones that crept along the walls. He shuddered in disgust. How many were there? And were there also orb spiders at the ceiling? What if one would fall down on him? What if his father had forgotten he was down here and he had to stay down here, in the darkness with spiders..._

_Anders stood in the impenetrable darkness, and had no idea how much time had passed. He needed to pee, but he didn’t even dare to do that, partly because he knew his father would even be more angry when he peed on the floor and partly because he hardly dared to move anymore. Occasionally he shuddered and brushed along his arms and everywhere he could reach to dislodge spiders that always turned out to be imaginary._

_“Dad? Mom?”_

_No answer, and Anders was left alone in the darkness._

_When the hatch above finally opened again and light fell into the cellar again Anders burst into tears; he could hardly mount the stairs. His father stared at him with anger building in his eyes._  
_“Snivelling wimp.”_  
_“But dad... the light went out and...”_  
_“Don’t tell me you’re afraid of the dark?” His father’s voice was dripping scorn. “Next you tell me there’s a monster under your bed!”_

_Anders stumbled back towards the house after his father, but when he was finally inside all he did was bee lining for the bathroom before he slunk into his room, crawled into his bed and curled up under the blanket._

Forcing his breathing to calm down, Anders still held on to the kitchen counter so hard his knuckles went wide. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck...” He shook his head. “Get a fucking grip...”

He forced himself to move again, went through some drawers to find another light bulb to replace the one in the reading lamp and switched it on again. He finally had the glass of water for which he had come here and headed back to bed. 

Only to lie wide awake, his thoughts racing and the remnants of fear still cold in his guts. 

With another curse he switched the bedside lamp on again, took the bottle of pills and fumbled a bit until he had undone the childproof lock. He went to the bathroom again to wash the pill down with water he drank straight from the tap, and this time, after he went to bed once more, sleep finally claimed him again.


	10. It's these little things, they can pull you under

* * *

Anders dropped the phone onto the table with a sigh. He looked at it, shook his head, shook his head again for good measure and headed back to the kitchen, his mind re-playing the conversation.

No, he was fine, yes, he was quite all right, no, he didn’t want to go out for a beer tonight, probably not tomorrow either, maybe next weekend, see you Ty, thanks for calling.

The microwave announced with a merry ding that his popcorn was ready. Smiling and rubbing his hands, he returned to his preparations; readying a bowl of popcorn of a ridiculous size – he had plans for tonight, after all – and putting more beer in the fridge. A look at the clock told him he had little less than half an hour. 

He had been looking forward to this night for a couple of weeks now, and he had no intention of letting last night’s disaster ruin this night’s entertainment. Godzilla would get his mind off all those things he didn’t want to deal with at present, and he would also help him to get Gaia out of his head again. She had no fucking business being there.

Equipped with the bowl of popcorn and a beer he settled down on his couch, adjusted the heap of pillows, took the remote and switched the telly on. And just as he had stuffed the first handful of popcorn into his mouth, he heard the doorbell.

With a groan, and rolling his eyes, he got up, chewing frantically, and opened the door to look at Gaia. He hastily wiped popcorn crumbs off his front.

“Hi.” Gaia clutched her bag and smiled, looking both shy and embarrassed. “I was...” She brushed a few strands of hair behind her ear. “I’m sorry if I disturb you, I just... I got somewhat of a cabin fever alone at home, and Axl and Zeb aren’t home and I don’t have either of their numbers so I wondered... I wondered if you would like to go out for a beer?”

Anders swallowed a few times and looked over his shoulder at the television. “Uh... I had plans for tonight.”  
“Oh.” Gaia took a step back, forcing a smile onto her face. “Sorry, I... Don’t worry, I’ll just be on my way. Sorry to disturb you.”

Anders looked back and forth between the television and Gaia who was about to turn around and leave. “Do you like Godzilla?”  
Gaia turned around again with a frown. “Godzilla?”  
“You do know Godzilla, don’t you?”  
“A guy in a rubber suit walking through badly built ply wood sets? I have heard of those movies. They’re supposed to be horrible.”  
“But you haven’t watched any?” It was something that didn’t fit into Anders’s world. Everyone had to have seen Godzilla at least once in their life.

“Can’t say that I have,” Gaia said, looking mildly confused.  
Anders stared at her, lips parted, before he shook his head. “You’re shitting me.”  
Gaia crossed her arms with a nervous little chuckle. “No, I am not. Well, I’ve seen clips. Those movies are an insult to any sane person.”  
“Ah, I see.” Anders flashed her a cocky little smile. “No one expects these things to be entertaining when you’re sober. You need to be a little tipsy, juust a little bit. That’s when the fun starts.”  
Gaia tilted her head. “Are you taking me in?”  
“Want to try it out?”  
Gaia sneaked a glance past him. “Uh... I don’t want to... you know... intrude...”  
“Well you came here with the plan of having a beer with me. All right, come on in, have a beer with me. But I have to inform you that you will have to share me with Godzilla.” Anders stood aside and extended one arm. 

Gaia looked at him, and with a soft chuckle under her breath she stepped in. Anders closed the door behind her.

“We’ve got five minutes left,” he said and took another beer from the fridge. 

After settling down on the sofa with her legs pulled up beside her Gaia accepted the offered beer with a smile of thanks. Anders got comfortable beside her and offered her the popcorn bowl. 

It was then that Anders’s mind finally caught up with events. Two weeks of looking forward to a bachelor’s night alone at home with no one but his own company, and that of Godzilla, and in the hopes of not thinking about Gaia for a few hours. So much for his planning. 

The popcorn bowl passed back and forth a few times and then found a place right between them where they both could reach it. 

...

“That is one bad set, my god.” Gaia shook her head.  
“It’s supposed to be that way.”  
“Like smoking in a plane?”  
“It was the fifties!” Anders shrugged with a smile.

The first ominous signs of Godzilla’s existence were subtly presented to the unsuspecting audience.

“If there are no survivors, where do all the stories come from about a flash of lightning?” Gaia took a sip of beer.  
Anders shrugged again. “Guess they had pretty fast sparks who were dutiful enough to keep messaging until their very last breath.”  
She snorted and helped herself to some more popcorn.

The level in the popcorn bowl decreased as the movie progressed. And Gaia realised that this old movie was so bad it emerged again on the other side of bad and was actually entertaining. 

“Yes, that’s dangerous radioactivity, please stay away... and running around in nothing but lab coats.”  
Anders leaned back. “They were pretty naive back then.”

Halfway through the second bottle, Gaia understood what Anders had said about having to be tipsy for the movie to be funny. 

“Classic mad scientist lab. Including the ominously bubbling bottles.”  
“Hey, the cliché has to come from somewhere,” Anders replied with a small grin.  
“But why the eye patch?”  
“I guess that makes it easier to keep the two guys apart from each other. The ones in that... love triangle.”  
Gaia snorted under her breath.

....

“Ooh, fainting ladies.”  
“It’s a classic.”

...

And then finally, the rubber suit clad man stomping through the ply wood set. 

“So if he comes from the ocean...” Gaia looked at Anders, waving her empty bottle. “How come he can spit fire?”  
Anders opened his mouth to reply, realised he had no answer and shrugged. “I have no fucking clue. I guess it’s because he’s a fucking dino resurrected by atomic experiments.”  
They exchanged a long look.  
“Yeah.”  
And a chuckle.

...

“Yay, the monster is dead.” Anders saluted the screen with his bottle. “And the two lovebirds can finally make out. After sorting through their broken hearts because the cock-blocking fiancé has removed himself from the picture.”

“Well that was an experience, all right.” Gaia got up. “I need a potty break.”  
“The next one is Godzilla vs Mothra.”  
“Next one?”  
“Channel Three has a long Godzilla night. You can watch Godzilla movies until six tomorrow morning.”  
“How many are there?” Gaia shook her head.  
“Oh, there are dozens of them out there.” Anders took a sip of beer, emptying the bottle. “And coming next: Godzilla vs Mothra.”  
“Mothra?” Gaia looked back and forth between Anders and the television, eyebrows rising. “Don’t tell me it’s...”  
“A giant moth?” Anders got up as well and passed her on his way to the fridge. “I’m afraid it is,” he continued as he dug into it.

“A giant moth,” Gaia remarked, accepting another bottle from Anders as they sat down again. “Godzilla against a moth.”  
“Not a moth, Mothra. It’s a fucking gigantic moth.”  
“It’s still a moth.”

...

“Did I get that right? They want to build an amusement park around a giant, radioactive egg?”  
“I think they do.”

...

Gaia shook her head with a chuckle, half amused, half annoyed. “What the fuck is he doing with that egg?”  
Anders snorted. “Looks like he’s humping it.”

Gaia broke out laughing. The thought of Godzilla humping a giant moth egg was just too much to make sense right now. It was when she calmed down again that she realised Anders was watching her. She hastily looked at the screen again, and so did he.

...

The appearance of Mothra herself cracked Gaia up so much she couldn’t stop laughing. “Oh my god,” she said, trying to calm down. “That’s... I’ve seen cheap kid’s toys made in China that looked more convincing than that!” She wiped her eyes. And realised then that Anders was looking at her, again, this time with a smile that showed one dimple.

“You’re beautiful when you laugh like that.”

Gaia stared at him, and when their eyes met, she realised that he was still smiling but his body language was that of someone seriously wishing he could eat his words.

Gaia almost panicked, and blurted out the only thing she could think of that could save the situation. And maybe even Anders’s face.

“You’re not so bad yourself.” She hastily took a sip of beer.  
Anders’ smile widened, now bringing about both dimples. 

After a second, they both abruptly turned away and towards the screen and kept focussing intently on the movie again. Tokyo wasn’t the only place where havoc was being wrought, but neither of them was ready to admit as much.

Until their hands brushed when they both simultaneously reached for the popcorn bowl. 

“Fuck!” Anders dropped back against the backrest of the couch and after a second, bent forward to look at Gaia. “Why the fuck are we behaving like Lady and the Tramp? This isn’t a fucking teenage rom com!”

Gaia was at a loss for words, and could only shrug. Anders snorted, this time definitely not amused, and grabbed the bowl to head for the kitchen. He kept his eyes on his popcorn bag and microwave as Gaia left the couch.

“Sorry, Anders. I just... I probably shouldn’t have come here. I think I’d better go. I... I’m sorry I ruined your evening.”

Anders didn’t object, staring at the popcorn bag behind the tinted glass door and forcing himself to ignore Gaia’s voice on the phone as she ordered a taxi.  
He was still staring at his popcorn when Gaia took her bag and coat. 

“Anders, I’m sorry...”  
He finally looked up and shrugged. They didn’t really look at each other, and Gaia left minutes later to wait for the taxi outside.

Anders stared furiously at the screen as he sat down again with the popcorn bowl on his knees. Fuck this, this absolutely abysmal fuck up of a pickup line. He hadn’t even lied. He’s just forgotten she had him solidly in the friend zone and had no inclination to let him escape.

For a few hours, he had himself convinced that her being constantly on his mind since the fucking nightmare the night before, and before that, to be honest, had created an itch he had to scratch, but the way she had... He didn’t even know what he wanted. He only knew he had fucked up. That his attempt at charming her had utterly failed. That now he had lost every chance of ever getting his hands on that chocolate cake again. That now, he’d never be able to get her into his bed. And that he wasn’t even sure he wanted her there.

He should have sent her away. He should never have invited her in to watch movies with him, because life wasn’t a fucking teenage rom com. Shaking his head he got up and helped himself to another beer, but as he turned away from the fridge, his eyes fell onto the table.

She’d forgotten her phone.

Sitting down and staring at the devastation Mechagodzilla wreaked upon the innocent population of Japan, he managed to ignore the phone for a good solid twenty minutes.

Until he got up with a few choice curses for himself, his brain and his dick that had always been in accord and suddenly refused to cooperate or even talk with each other; he found his keys, his jacket, and pocketed her phone. With Gaia there he didn’t have half as much to drink as he otherwise would have so driving wasn’t a problem.

It took him another ten minutes in his car before he finally got out. And then, when he had pushed the doorbell, he was very much tempted to drop the phone through the letter box.

But the door opened, and Gaia’s worried frown turned into an expression of utter confusion, eyes widening and lips parting. 

Anders wordlessly held out the phone to her.


	11. Have we lost our minds?

* * *

For what seemed like at least half an hour but was probably no more than half a minute Anders and Gaia stared at each other.

“You forgot your phone,” Anders finally said.  
“Thanks.” Gaia took it and took a step back to put it onto the small sideboard next to the coat rack. 

The awkward silence was back.

“Look,” Gaia finally said after running a hand through her curls. “I’m sorry about the fuck up... and I know that after this I’ll probably never see you again so I just got to be honest. I need... I just need to get this off my chest.” She took a deep breath. “I had a nightmare last night where we didn’t escape the fiend and he slit your throat and you bled to death before my eyes, and against better knowledge I just had to check that you were okay... I know how silly that sounds but...” She broke off and shrugged, swallowing hard.

The silence was palpable now. 

“I had a nightmare too,” Anders suddenly blurted out as if something was forcing those words out of him, his voice not really carrying and sounding unfamiliar to himself. “I killed you. You bled to death because I...” He was unable to look at her. “I fucked you to death.” _Yeah, fuck, that’s the perfect thing to say to a girl when you’re standing in her doorway with a hard-on._

He didn’t even want to wait for a reply. He didn’t want a pity party. Yes, now, after that, he was sure he never wanted to look at her again. But as he spun around he heard her voice, a husky whisper.

“Oh, Anders...”  
He turned around again and there she was, her hands on the lapels of his jacket.  
“I’m so sorry...”  
“I don’t want a pity party.”  
“It’s not pity.” She looked at him, eyes full of pain and something else he couldn’t name.

Her hands moved to his shoulders and his hands were suddenly resting on her hips. Their eyes met and then, their lips. 

It wasn’t at all like the last time, feral and uncontrolled. It was slow and sweet, with questioning tongues and soft touches of lips. His hands crossed at her back and hers at the back of his head, carding through his hair. It was sharing their breath and bodies pressing closer to each other.

And as they finally parted, it was perfectly timed with the classic, unmistakable roar of Godzilla coming from somewhere behind her.

Anders cocked one eyebrow, and his left dimple appeared.  
“Want to finish watching the movie?”  
The dimple remained in place. “Only if your telly is in the bedroom.”

Gaia suddenly looked away. “It is... but...” she said, very hesitatingly. “But I’m afraid... I can’t have sex with you. That was... it was part of the reason why I left. I can’t... I want to, I want it very much, but I can’t.”  
“Yea, friendzoned, “Anders replied with a whiff of bitterness. “I get it.”  
Her hands were back on his shoulders and her thumbs now travelled up and down the side of his neck. “If you were then I wouldn’t have kissed you like that, you oaf.”  
Anders lifted his eyebrows and tilted his head.  
“I...” Gaia groped for words, looked away and up again and took several deep breaths. “I shouldn’t... I shouldn’t be making such a big deal...” Another deep breath. “It’s the wrong time of the month.”

The silence was so thick you could have cut it into cubes and carry it outside.

“You’re joking.”  
“No.” Gaia looked more angry than embarrassed now. “No, I’m not, and you know, I didn’t plan it. I didn’t think it would ever happen, and it’s... God, Anders, I want you in my bed, but I can’t do anything but watch a movie with you.”  
Anders tried to think of another reply. “Fucking hormones,” he finally muttered.  
“What kind of hormones?” Gaia asked after a shaky chuckle. “Sex hormones or woman hormones?”  
“Both. That is one fuck up of bad timing.”

They shared a mildly exasperated look.

“So what happens now?” Anders circled his thumbs on her hips.  
“Want to watch a movie?” Gaia gave back, more than slightly apologetic. 

When they had settled down on her bed, equipped with soda because Gaia didn’t have any beer in the fridge, Mechagodzilla had been vanquished and the country could be re-built for the next monster to stomp it all to shreds again.

A bit into the next movie, Gaia put her bottle down and moved a little closer to Anders until she could lean against him. Anders, in turn, put his own bottle down and draped his arm around her.

“You are aware of the fact that we’re acting like two teenagers in a drive-in cinema?”  
Gaia smiled at him. “Is that a problem?”

Anders shrugged with a smile and as Gaia traced one of his dimples he gave up on trying to find an answer and kissed her instead.

“I could get used to this,” Gaia whispered against his lips between kisses.  
“To what?” His mouth travelled along the side of her neck, making her sigh. “Me in your bed?”  
“Yes.”  
“Warming up?”  
“I guess so.” She chuckled softly. “Because if you want to have sex with me you’ll have to wait a week or so.”  
“That’s a hard thing to ask of me, babe.”  
“Unless you’re have intentions of sailing the Red Sea.”  
“I’m afraid not even I am that kinky.”

They exchanged a look, a smile, and kissed again, more passionately this time. 

“I thought you couldn’t...” Anders remarked with a slight grin as Gaia had undone the third button of his shirt.  
“I just remembered something,” she muttered against the skin of his chest.  
“And what is that?”  
She smiled up at him, both a little flustered and a little salacious. “I just remembered I have hands.”  
“Oh.”

Anders closed his eyes, a tiny yet victorious smile on his lips, as Gaia proceeded to undo the rest of the buttons until she spread the halves of his shirt and ran her hands across his chest.

“Enjoying the view, babe?”  
“Yes. I just realised chest hair is sexy.”  
Anders’s smile turned from victorious to self-satisfied and saucy. 

His breathing sped up as her hands roamed his body, and hitched into a sharp intake of breath as one of her hands cupped his dick that was trying to drill out of his trousers.

“Don’t stop now, babe,” he muttered.  
“I had no intention to,” she replied as she popped the button and slowly, pulled down the zipper.  
Anders closed his eyes. “If I’d know this would happen I’d have put on the nice underwear.”  
“At least they’re not ribbed whities with a double slit.”  
“Fuck, babe, you sure know how to kill a mood,” he shot back with a wobbly, breathless laugh that immediately turned into a soft moan when she cupped him again and ran her thumb across his length. “That’s the spot, babe.”  
“Struck gold, have I?”  
“Yea, babe. Absolutely.”

She giggled – _giggled!_ – and removed her hand, but before Anders could complain she had slipped her hand into his briefs. He bucked into her touch with another moan. God, her hand felt so good. It felt amazing.

He watched her under lowered lids as she freed him from the confines of his briefs and lowered her head.

“I thought you couldn’t blow?” He asked, his voice hoarse and unsteady now.  
She looked up at him again, smiling at him over the tip of his dick. It made heat pool in his guts. “I can’t.” There was a trace of regret in her voice. “But I still can give him a kiss, can’t I?” She didn’t wait for an answer, tough.  
“Jesus!” Anders dropped his head and curled his hands into the sheets under him. “Jesus fucking Christ, babe...”

Maybe it was only a kiss, but it was definitely a French kiss, and a really eager one. Maybe it was only his bell-end in her mouth, but it was fucking fireworks in his brain. 

“Jesus, babe...” He rasped and threaded his fingers into her curls. “You’re amazing...”

He could feel it when she somehow, suddenly, went too far down. It wasn’t that she retched, but he felt the break in her rhythm and heard the hitch in her breath, but she instantly leaned back, placed another kiss onto the very tip that sent a spark right through his body, and settled down at his side again with her hand closing around his throbbing dick; stroking him in a firm grip while Anders pulled her close into a hungry, messy kiss.

Worked up as he already was she didn’t have to keep it up for long before he had to break free of the kiss and came with a shout, staring down his body to watch the thick, white fluid shooting out from between her lovely, clever fingers. 

He fell back with a groan, boneless and floating, his eyes falling shut as he felt her lips on his cheek while her hand let go of him. He presently hadn’t any strength or energy left to protest when she climbed off the bed, but was able to crack an eye open when she returned. 

She dropped a wet washcloth onto his belly with a crooked grin. “Bath time.”  
“More like cat lick time,” Anders gave back with a frown as he wiped at the mess on his belly.

Gaia took the soiled washcloth and disposed of it in the bathroom before she crawled back to bed and snuggled up close to his side.

Anders looked at her as he pulled her close, and felt a smile creep onto his face that got comfortable there and refused to leave. Slowly, he became aware of his surroundings again and looked up at the screen.

“You know,” he said slowly. “I’d never thought that I would be jerked off one day while being watched by fucking Godzilla.”

Gaia looked up at the screen as well and then back at his face. Their eyes met and they both simultaneously broke out laughing. Their laughter ebbed off slowly, and when it did and softened into a smile, they just settled down for another kiss. And then kissed some more, just because it felt good, oblivious of the battle between a radioactive lizard and a monstrous mutant creature that had started off as a rose, of all things.

Gaia tried not to think and only enjoy. She knew that Anders wasn’t a guy to wait for a week to be able to have sex with a woman, and since he’d gotten his balls off, this was likely the most she would get of him.

She didn’t know what exactly had happened, or rather, what had brought this on. Maybe, just maybe, they had both felt the need to override their godawful memories they had.

But she had enjoyed it, and he probably as well, and she would just enjoy it as long as she could and the devil take the hindmost.  
There wasn’t anything else she could do, after all.

* * *

Gaia woke up in an empty bed. She turned around with a sigh and sat up, rubbing her eyes. She couldn’t remember when she had fallen asleep, but someone had switched the telly off; most likely Anders after she’d fallen asleep and before he had taken his leave.  
It wasn’t really unexpected. She’d honestly have been more surprised if he’d still been there when she woke up. She headed for the bathroom and was thinking about what to do with her day as she emerged when she suddenly smelled eggs. Eggs and coffee.

A puzzled frown on her face she headed for the kitchen and leaned into the doorframe, baffled and amused, to watch Anders puttering about in her kitchen. He stopped when he spotted her and flashed her a dimpled grin. 

“Morning,” he said brightly. “I hope you like eggs Benedict, because that’s the only thing I can do with eggs that suitable for breakfast. I couldn’t find a frying pan.”  
“You could have just boiled them?”  
Anders frowned at her. “Boiled eggs are boring.”

With a soft chuckle, Gaia left the doorframe. “You know, if I’m being honest, I didn’t expect you to still be here.”  
Anders stared at the plates he was arranging the eggs on. The toaster popped and he quickly grabbed the two slices of toast with a few choice curses under his breath before dropping them onto the plates. “Well...” he said as he turned around, a plate in each hand, “...I didn’t expect that either.”  
Gaia blinked at him in puzzlement. “Then... what are you doing here?”  
“Making breakfast.” He held out a plate to her. “Want some?”

Still frowning in puzzlement, she took the offered plate and they sat down at the small kitchen table, their legs almost, but not quite, touching below the table top. Two mugs of coffee were already sitting there, together with cutlery.

“That looks very nice.”  
“Of course it does.” Anders speared a piece of egg. “I made it, and I’m the king of eggs Benedict.” And then he added, as if in an afterthought: “Thank you.”  
Gaia didn’t quite know how to keep the conversation going after that so she focussed on her breakfast for now.

She felt a little awkward to have a shower and get dressed with Anders doing the dishes, but when she emerged from the bedroom again, he was still there, just putting down another cup of coffee before he walked up to her as she entered the kitchen. For a short but uncomfortable moment they just looked at each other, and suddenly, without either of them knowing how it had happened, they were kissing again.

They relocated into her living room after that, and continued to make out on the sofa. Sweet, soft kisses turned into passionate and eager ones and then back to sweet again as their coffees got cold on them. 

At one point, as they broke a kiss that had taken both their breath, Gaia looked at him and sighed. “I’d never thought you could kiss like that... Anders... you kiss li...” She broke off, and chuckled, although it was probably more of a giggle.  
Anders lifted his eyebrows.  
“I was about to say that... that you kiss like a god.”

They stared blankly at each other and burst out laughing again. But as if to prove her words right Anders claimed her lips again, soft, sweet, passionate and fiery at the same time while their arms were still clasped around each other.

After re-arranging themselves into a comfortable position Gaia found herself with her back against the armrest and Anders lying on top of her, face buried into the crook of her neck. She kept on carding her fingers through his hair.

“Didn’t think you were into cuddling, though,” she mused after a while.  
“You learn something new every day,” Anders muttered against her skin.  
“So there’s a lot to discover about you, Anders Johnson?”  
He shifted slightly so he could whisper into her ear, in a voice so low and sinful it made her shudder. “You have no idea, babe.”Then he trailed his lips across her cheek and kissed her again.

Since they had slept in late and their breakfast had technically been lunch it was late in the afternoon when Anders announced he had to be on his way.

“Got to get some things ready for work. And I need to clean up, for some reason I have empty bottles and popcorn crumbs all over the place,” he said with a smug expression.  
Gaia just smiled as she stood in the doorframe, watching him head for his car. She closed the door with a sigh, but before she had even returned to the living room, the door opened again. 

“Can I take you out for dinner some day this week?”

Caught unawares, Gaia only emitted a somewhat brainless huffing sound.

Anders looked at her expectantly.  
“I’ve got late shifts tomorrow and Tuesday,” she replied, her brain having caught up. “And Thursday and Friday I swapped with a colleague whose sister is coming to visit from Australia so I’ve got late on those days as well.”

“Wednesday then.” Anders straightened the front of his jacket. “Pick you up at six?”  
“Uh... I guess?”  
“Great.”

And gone he was. Gaia shook her head, a mildly confused smile on her face, when the door opened again.

“Oh, I’ll need your number.”  
Gaia faltered but managed to remember her number. He rang her up and hung up again so she had his number as well. Then he winked at her and was out of the door again.

Gaia picked up her phone and looked at the screen.

The door opened a third time, and Anders stepped towards her, swept her into an embrace and kissed the everliving daylight out of her.

“Just making sure you don’t forget me”, he said with a cocky grin and was gone again. This time, Gaia heard the engine of his car.

Gaia shook her head, but still couldn’t suppress a small grin, as she walked back to the living room. She flopped down and looked at her phone again, saving the unknown number on the display as _Anders Johnson_. She looked at it, frowned, and with her frown turning into a tiny smile, she deleted _Johnson_.


	12. Nobody tells you where to go, baby.

The question of _Why_ had been bouncing in his head to and fro ever since Sunday morning. It was gnawing at him even more now as he stared at himself in the mirror after a shower and a shave while he was trying to decide if he should wear a tie or not. Why? Why was that even important?  
His mirror image frowned back at him.

If he was being honest with himself, it was because even after he had gotten his balls off - and that had only been a hand job but _Jesus Christ_ – he somehow still craved her company. That had worried him for the better part of Monday until he had realised that this sort of craving was nothing like the one from back then but an entirely different sensation. He wanted to _be_ with her and not necessarily _fuck_ her. Well, of course he wanted to fuck her. But for the first time in his life, he had been confronted with the situation of wanting and not being able to, and had found himself willing to wait.

And no, it wasn’t only her looks. Yes, she had matured form pretty girl into beautiful woman, but she had not only matured physically. He remembered the young girl, besotted with his little brother and yet running away from him and everything else when confronted with a – admittedly – pretty fucked up situation. Still, he hadn’t wanted to deal with anything and ran away.

And now... now she had had the guts and confidence to seek him out and get sorted through the loose ends she had left behind. After what had happened, she would naturally have trouble looking him in the eye, same as he had with her, but she had done so anyway. Anders respected her for that.

That, at least, was something he could admit to himself.

* * *

It was seven minutes to six when he arrived at her house but he remained in the car. He did not want to come across as desperate or something.

Anders noticed he was nervous and he hated being nervous. But he wasn’t nervous about having dinner with her, he was nervous about having to ask her a question that had been on his mind for weeks. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to know the answer, but the more he had tried to ignore it, the more pressing it had become. There was nothing for it. He had to know.

Yet what he would do if the answer to that question was not the one he wanted to hear he had no idea. No fucking clue. It gnawed at him, or rather, it had gnawed at him, but now it had dug its teeth in and refused to let go... worse like an angry Rottweiler. 

Maybe it wasn’t reasonable. Maybe it was completely ridiculous. But it was most certainly void because there was nothing he could do about it anyway, because it had happened sometime during the last two years. It was past. Over and done with. There was no use in worrying about the fact that neither of them, Bragi or Idun, Anders or Gaia, had been capable of thinking about condoms, and no use in wondering if that had had consequences or not.

He didn’t know why he had to know. He only knew he had to know even if he had no clue how to deal with it.

The clock was two minutes past six. Anders cast a last look at himself in the rear view mirror and left the car.

* * *

Gaia was ready at a quarter to six even if she had her doubts that Anders would indeed show up. She was proven wrong when at two minutes past, the doorbell rang.

“Hey,” she said after opening the door.   
Anders smiled and stepped into the hallway, rested his hands on her shoulders and slowly slid them down her back. “You ready, babe?”  
“I hope you planned something casual,” she said, slowly adjusting the collar of his shirt that didn’t really need adjusting. “Because I don’t think I’ve got the wardrobe for something fancy.”  
He pulled her a little closer. “I made a reservation for a table for two at Angelo’s.”  
“Angelo’s sounds perfect.” She smiled at him under lowered eyelids, feeling silly and a little lost because her heart was beating way too fast for her to be comfortable.

The kiss was sweet and soft, just like last time, as if he had memorized what she had liked best when they had made out before. Which he probably had. 

The drive across town was silent, but Anders’s hand was on her knee the whole time unless he had to shift gears. Gaia didn’t mind it being there but refrained from putting hers atop his; it felt too much like the teenage rom com thing Anders had mentioned.   
After he had parked the car he gallantly opened the door for her and they went inside walking close but not touching. 

Their table was in a little booth out of the main routes of waiters and people coming in and out, and Anders ordered the wine as she studied the menu. Angelo’s was home-style, with rustic wooden boards, starched table napkins, candles in old bottles and a very traditional menu, but the food was splendid and the place was packed on weekends and well-frequented during the rest of the week. 

The wine was accompanied with some breadsticks and a garlic dip, and after pouring, the waiter took their order and vanished again. They nibbled on the breadsticks for a while until Anders leaned back, a very thoughtful, almost worried expression on his face. 

“Gaia, I need to ask you something,” he began after clearing his throat. “About London.”  
Gaia put her breadstick down and nodded. She didn’t like to think about London and talk about it even less, but it was clear that something was bothering him deeply.

“When you...” He rubbed a hand across his chin. “When you were talking about...” It really seemed to cost him quite an effort. “About the pregnancy... thing...”  
Gaia took a deep breath. “What about it?”  
“Is it...” He pressed his lips together and met her eyes again. “Did we...?” A somewhat helpless gesture of his hand accompanied those words.  
Gaia let out a huff of breath. “No. No, it happened months after I left New Zealand. There’s not a chance it was yours.”

Anders sagged with relief and nodded before taking a rather large sip of his wine.   
“That was really getting at you, wasn’t it?”  
He swallowed and put his glass down. “Ever since you mentioned it, in fact. You didn’t mention when and I... well, I sort of keyed myself up. Ridiculous, I know.”  
“I don’t think it’s ridiculous.” She smiled apologetically. “I knew it, after all... and I didn’t even think about it. So sorry, if I had known that it would bother you I’d have mentioned it, I couldn’t imagine it would.”  
He leaned forward and reached out, covering her hand with his. “Contrary to popular belief, I do have a conscience.”

Gaia was silent for a while as she looked at their joined hands. 

“You know...” She began hesitantly. “From what I heard, you never cared much about your women after you were done with them.”  
“I always sent them flowers.” He thrust out his chin and lifted his eyebrows.  
“I didn’t get any flowers,” she gave back with a tentative little smile. “Is it because you’re not done with me yet?”  
He met her eyes in an unwavering glance that woke up long forgotten butterflies in her belly, lifted her hand and very slowly, brushed her knuckles with his lips without taking his eyes off hers.

Their food arrived shortly after, and as she focussed on her pizza, Gaia realised she would have very much liked to know where they stood right now. But somehow, she had the feeling that he wouldn’t be comfortable with discussing the topic of a possible relationship, and might even feel cornered by such questions. And this was only their first date, real date, after all, so she said nothing and decided to just go along, aware of a feeling of premonition that he wasn’t as interested in her as she was in him. 

Anders kept her entertained during dinner with stories of various clients, their ridiculous demands and even more ridiculous ideas and things that had gone horribly and predictably wrong.

“And right now I am stuck with one company that sells carpet cleaning products and another that sells organic muesli.”  
“Muesli.” Gaia snorted softly. “Are you sure you have the right job?”  
“Babe, I love my job,” Anders gave back. “It’s the clients that annoy the fuck out of me.”  
Gaia chuckled and shook her head. “I’d entertain you with a few anecdotes of my job but I don’t think you find them...”  
“No bodily fluids.” Anders took a sip of wine. “I’m a little delicate around blood.”

“I wasn’t going there.” Gaia took her own glass. “But I had some pretty weird experiences in the ER. Especially with people who seem to have no clue what an emergency is.”  
“For example?”  
“We had a patient once who had an ingrown toenail.”  
Anders couldn’t suppress a snort.  
“We told him to go home, and he threw a tantrum like a three-year-old and insisted he’d be treated.”  
“And did you?”  
“One of the docs pacified him with some antibiotic salve. He was beginning to unsettle the other patients.”  
Anders shook his head.

“Oh and...” She put her glass down. “You’ll like this one. One day we had a guy coming in who told us he had slipped and fallen really awkwardly onto a pack of coke bottles... the big ones made of plastic.”  
“And?”  
“He had one sticking out of his ass.”  
Anders almost chocked on his wine.   
“It was empty...” Gaia suddenly sported a wicked little grin. “But he had forgotten to screw the top back on before... and had produced a vacuum. So someone cut a hole into the bottle and he could go home again. Probably spend the next few days sitting on an icepack.”  
“And a lifetime recovering his dignity.” Anders’s grin matched her expression. “Jesus.”

Since neither of them could make up their mind regarding dessert they ended up ordering the Dolce di Duo that turned out to be a large platter with a sample of all the desserts Alfredo’s had on the menu. 

“I hope you don’t expect us to be feeding each other little tasty titbits.”   
This time it was Gaia who snorted. “Hell, no. But you should really try the Panna Cotta. It’s delicious.”  
“Most likely not half as good as your chocolate cake.”  
Gaia felt her cheeks heat up. “Flatterer,” she muttered as she stared at her spoon. When she looked up, she found him smile at her, a teasing, utterly saccharine twitch of the corners of his mouth.

* * *

By sheer chance, Ty and Dawn had chosen that very same evening to go to Angelo’s as well. They had arrived at seven, unnoticed by both Anders and Gaia, but as the latter were leaving, Ty happened to glance in their direction and gaped at them until Dawn slapped his arm.

“Are you crazy to stare at folk like that? It’s rude.”  
“It’s Anders,” Ty gave back as he turned towards Dawn again.  
“Anders?” Dawn took a sip of her drink. “Well I’m sure it’s legal for him to eat in this restaurant, don’t you think?”  
Ty leaned forward, his facial expression something between confused and scandalized. “But he’s here with Gaia...”  
Dawn smiled somewhat confusedly. “Yes?”  
“Dawn, Anders can’t... Why is he here with her, of all people?”

Dawn shook her head. “Ty... I am sure that Gaia is capable of taking care of herself and I am sure that she can make her own decision as to whom she goes out to dinner with.”  
“But... but Anders...”  
“Anders can certainly no longer talk her into something she doesn’t want, can he? So I’m sure whatever her reason, she’s here of her own free will.”  
“But...”  
“Tyrone Johnson.” Dawn’s voice was suddenly sharp. “They’re both adults. They’re out having dinner. Anders saved her life, so for god’s sake, why do you think they can’t or shouldn’t have a pizza together?”

Ty lowered his eyes and stared at his plate. “It just feels... I don’t know. It feels wrong. I mean, come on, Gaia is the same age as Axl so she’s like fifteen years younger than him!”  
“Will you keep it down,” Dawn hissed. “Again, that’s none of your business. Again, they only had dinner together. I know... I know the thought of Anders being friends with someone female is weird, but maybe he’s growing up?”  
“No.” Ty shook his head as his eyes swept past her. “He definitely isn’t.”

Dawn looked over her shoulder through the window and could see the parking space, well lit by several lamps. She could also see Gaia and Anders standing next to his car being definitely more than friends. She turned around again with a smile.

“It’s...” Ty sighed. “Why does he keep doing that?”  
“Doing what?” Her smile vanished.  
“Oh come on, Dawn.” Ty gave her an exasperated look. “You know Anders, he’s a predator. He’s going to hurt her and she doesn’t deserve that.”  
“Shut up,” Dawn snapped at him. “It’s not even been a week since you promised me you’d give Anders the benefit of doubt every now and then.”  
Ty shook his head with a mirthless chuckle. “No. Not around women. Gaia is a lovely girl and she doesn’t deserve that.”  
“Gaia is a grown woman and she knows Anders for what he is. If she is with him, then she knows what she’s doing and she’s most certainly aware of the possible consequences. So stop talking as if she was a helpless little damsel who needs saving. It’s thoughts like _that_ she doesn’t deserve. She’s not stupid.” Then her smile softened. “Maybe they’re in love.”

A hearty snort coming from Ty made several people at the surrounding tables look at them.   
“Stop that, you idiot.” Dawn leaned forward to be able to lower her voice even more.   
“Dawn.” Ty shook his head, his facial expression that of someone talking to a half-wit. “I mean... come on, Anders? Anders who most times even can’t remember the name of the girl he had a fling with the night before? Okay, so Gaia is a pretty girl...  
“Woman.”  
“Woman... but... but Anders?” Ty shrugged helplessly. “Why would anyone fall in love with Anders? He is just charming her out of her clothes as he usually does, he just has to make more of an effort without Bragi.”

“So what if he is?” Dawn shook her head as well, her mouth a thin line. “Even then it wouldn’t be any of your business. And what if he isn’t? I mean, don’t get me wrong, the thought of Anders in love is a little like trying to think of a... a T-Rex going vegetarian but it’s not impossible, you know?”  
“A T-Rex?”  
“Well...” Dawn shrugged. “That wasn’t the best of analogies in these circumstances, I admit.”  
“Whatever.” Ty took a deep breath, eyebrows still drawn together. “Anders is not a man who falls in love.”  
Dawn leaned forward and closed her fingers around his hand. “Maybe he never met the right woman until now?”

Ty sighed and pressed his lips together as he looked past Dawn again and out the window. Anders and Gaia had parted and were talking to each other, and while Ty couldn’t see Gaia’s face, he could see his brother’s.  
Anders was smiling at her as he said something, and Gaia’s hand came up to rest on his cheek. And to Ty’s astonishment, Anders turned his face into the touch and kissed her fingertips.

That certainly hadn’t looked predatory. It had looked affectionate, which wasn’t something Ty could associate with his older brother. Dawn exchanged a quick glance with him and looked out again, and both of them bore witness to Gaia walking past Anders and pinching his backside, and then to both of them laughing before kissing again. Anders opened and closed the door for her and as the engine started and the headlights turned on, Ty and Dawn looked at each other again, Ty still in utter befuddlement and Dawn with a smug _told-you-so_ expression.

* * *

To avoid any frustration or stupid blunders Anders had not come in with her and just kissed her goodbye on her doorstep after driving Gaia home. 

Because after all, coming home to his own dark and silent and empty flat alone did not bother him.  
Well, it certainly had never done so before, at least. 

He tried not to think of what he would be doing instead of brushing his teeth, with meagre success, and after splashing a handful of cold water into his face, he looked up into the mirror again. He seemed to have a lot of conversations with that man in the mirror lately.

Of course he would have preferred to take her home with him. Because, honestly, when had a woman ever casually pinched his ass as if it belonged to her?

The corners of his mouth twitched up as he shook his head. 

The thought of his ass being Gaia’s property did strange things to his mind. Things he wasn’t even sure if they were good or bad, so he tried to think of Gaia’s ass being his own property instead. Now _that_ thought did things to his anatomy which were a lot easier to deal with. 

But the thought of her ass was suddenly accompanied by thoughts of her wicked smile from earlier that evening and the endearing way she lowered her eyes when she was embarrassed by his compliments. 

Anders was unwilling to accept that he was drawn to a woman that much. The words _moth_ and _candle flame_ came to his mind. 

Because apparently, there was more than physical attraction. Yes, he had enjoyed making out with her, but what troubled him was that he had enjoyed watching stupid trash movies with her as well. And yes, the thought of having sex with her took up a major proportion of his thoughts, but he also wondered what it would be like to wake up next to her the morning after and have a coffee in bed together.

He didn’t want to go there. He wanted nothing of that. Helen’s invasion into his life had been enough.

They had hardly done anything else but screw, and their lives had been utterly consumed by each other’s. He couldn’t imagine that Helen, a strong and confident woman with her own successful business, had enjoyed being absorbed into becoming his devoted wife as little as he had enjoyed his life being ridiculously domesticated by her.

But Gaia wasn’t Helen.

There was no supernatural force pulling them together. Not this time, at least. This time, their get-togethers had been entirely voluntary. The kiss had happened because they both had wanted it, not because they couldn’t help it. No, what pulled him towards her was something entirely different, besides her lovely ass and boobs about which he – _goddamnit_ – needed no fantasies to know how they felt like under his touch.

It was also the way her smile enhanced her cheekbones and the way the corners of her eyes crinkled when she laughed. It was the sound of her voice, the smell of her hair, and the colour of her eyes – chocolate, of all things – and that god damn cake that felt like silk and tasted like orgasms. 

And yet, even after he realised his thoughts had been running in circles like a dog chasing its tail, he shied away from the thought of being in love. Being in love was something that happened to other people. 

Being in love meant making an utter idiot out of yourself. Being in love meant loss of freedom in favour of commitment, of being faithful. A frighteningly boring thought until last weekend which meant he was already fighting a losing battle. So basically, being in love meant having your life turned upside down, losing control and worst of all, making yourself vulnerable to heartache. He wanted nothing of all that. Nothing at all.

Being in love meant being in trouble. 

He stared at himself for a long, hard moment.

“Anders Johnson...” He finally said to his mirror image. “You’re in trouble.”


	13. -Interlude-

Gaia slipped her phone back into her bag with a smile and a stomach full of butterflies. That, she mused, probably wasn’t good news. Maybe it was, but she didn’t allow herself to get her hopes up. She’d fallen pretty hard, and for Anders Johnson of all people. From watching stupid movies to a date and dinner to... to what? A weekend at his place doing things that made heat gather in her belly and further down when she thought about them. 

And even if she wouldn’t get more than this weekend, she would get over it, she’d done so before; and even if it would be hard and would probably hurt, she’d survive and would move on. And at least, she thought, she would have a chance to have real good sex again. Last time she had sex...

Last time had been in London. Technically. She couldn’t remember, though, so that probably didn’t count. So last time she had sex was...

A small, crooked smile spread on her lips. Last time she had sex was with Anders, shortly before she had left the country. _Fancy that._

Life around Anders Johnson was many things, but it certainly wasn’t boring or in any way predictable.


	14. You are wild and I'm in your possession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The weekend everybody's been waiting for has finally approached. Chapter contains smut and chocolate sauce. Proceed at your own peril
> 
> * * *

* * *

Looking at the mirror Gaia decided this was as good as it would get. She had spent yesterday morning shopping and acquired some new underwear – lacy but definitely not slutty – and an unrevealing black dress, the only accent the golden zipper down the back. She couldn’t seem to get her hair to do what she wanted, though, so she gave it up as a bad job and told herself her look was au naturel.

She grabbed her bag and as she left through the back door, she could see Anders stand on the other side of the street, watching the door of the coffee shop. He seemed totally at ease, his hands clasped before him, wearing a suit and a tie and looking forbiddingly handsome. Gaia heaved a deep, heavy sigh, adjusted her bag, and headed towards him.

The moment he noticed her, his face lit up and she could see his eyes widen a little as he took in her appearance. Smiling shyly she came to a halt before him.

“You look absolutely stunning.” Anders rested his hands on her hips. “You humble me, babe.”  
Gaia moved a little closer. “You’re not so bad yourself.”  
“Really?”

She closed her fingers around his tie and gave it a gentle tug. Happy to oblige, Anders followed the tug and pulled her closer into a kiss that was quickly moving from sweet to passionate. When Gaia leaned back to catch her breath she could feel one of his hands toy idly with the pull tab of the zipper.

“I’ve ordered at table at Angelo’s,” he said, voice low and smooth. “Hungry?”  
“Ravenous,” Gaia replied and smiled at him under lowered eyelids. It had the desired effect; she could see him swallow.  
“Let’s go get some food,” he muttered. “Don’t want you to devour me.” He winked at her as he took her arm.  
“Did you get the chocolate sauce?” Gaia slipped her arm around his waist and Anders froze for a second before he continued walking. He draped an arm across her shoulders.  
“Were you serious about that?”  
“You didn’t get any?” Gaia wasn’t able to keep a trace of disappointment out of her voice.  
But then Anders smiled without looking at her; she could see his dimples appear. “Chocolate and caramel. You pick the flavour, babe.”  
“Good. Dessert’s sorted then.”  
Anders shook his head with a soft groan. “You’ll be the death of me.”

Gaia couldn’t help but grin, and when she and Anders exchanged a quick glance, they both had to chuckle.

* * *

They were already so occupied with hot, fiery kisses they almost didn’t make it through the door. Anders kicked the door shut behind him and, after hastily shrugging the jacket off his shoulders, had her against the wall within the space of a heartbeat. Gaia dropped her bag beside his carelessly discarded jacket and closed both arms around him. 

Soft moans hardly more than hums drawn from hungry lips were the only sounds they made, apart from their fast and heavy breathing. Shoes were kicked off and ignored once they had landed. 

Anders moved his lips across her cheek and down her neck, nipping the tender skin, and ground their hips together. Gaia swallowed hard between heavy breaths and licked her lips.

“Anders, wait,” she whispered.

Anders dropped his forehead against the wall with a groan. After a moment, however, when he realised Gaia’s hands still roamed his back, he pushed himself away from the wall and looked at her, running his hands up and down her sides.

Gaia managed a smile and her voice was unsteady when she whispered: “Just not... not like this. Not this time.” She drew one hand up his back and across his shoulder and brushed the side of his neck with one finger. “I just don’t want... I don’t want to...” The finger moved across his cheeks and across his lips, giving his lower lip a tiny little tug. “I want to savour this.”  
Anders met her eyes and gently caught that finger with his teeth; and after placing a kiss onto the tip of it, let it go and leaned forward. “That’s not going to be easy,” he breathed against her lips. “Not when I’ve been waiting for this for so long.” He claimed her lips again in a kiss, but a much more gentle one. 

Still kissing they peeled themselves off the wall and while they had to break away from each other to make it to the bedroom, they closed their arms around each other again as soon as the bedroom door was closed behind them. Anders toyed a little with her zipper again but as of yet, made no move to actually open it.

Gaia finally pushed away from him and looked at his face. Anders didn’t smile as his eyes met hers, and both their chests were heaving with fast and heavy breaths. With another deep, unsteady breath Gaia now reached for his tie. After a few tugs she had loosened the knot sufficiently to pull it apart and after that, she slowly went for the uppermost button of his shirt.

Anders stood still and watched her under lowered eyelids, breathing hard and fast as Gaia undid button after button and finally, tugged the shirt out of his trousers. She then took each of his hands to undo the buttons of his cuffs one after another, and finally pushed the shirt down his shoulders. And when she stepped close again and caressed the bare skin on his back, Anders buried his face in the crook of her neck and hummed against her skin. 

“You have no idea how good this feels,” he whispered.  
“Show me,” Gaia whispered back, and Anders moved his hands up her back and towards the golden zipper. He pulled the tab down, ever so slowly, and once he had reached the end and the small of her back he stepped back and cupped her face in his hands for another kiss before he moved them down to brush the dress off her shoulders. It slid down her body and pooled at her feet.

Anders had had his share of beautiful women in beautiful, enticing underwear, but this, the sight of Gaia in black silk and lace that still left something to imagination, made his stomach drop. 

“You’re amazing,” he whispered, a slightly incredulous smile spreading on his lips. “So beautiful...”  
Gaia’s smile was sweet and somewhat shy as she closed in on him for another kiss. She undid his belt and deliberately slowly, the button and zipper of his fly. Her smile widened at the soft gasp coming from him as she slowly knelt down to cup his backside after his trousers were down, and she leaned forward to press a soft kiss onto his dick through the smooth, dark fabric of his briefs.

“Babe...” His voice was low and rough. “God, you’re amazing... Come here.”  
Gaia got up again and he pulled her close into another kiss, a hungry, open-mouthed kiss that had her moan softly against his lips. Anders didn’t waste any more time and undid the clasp of her bra. 

He stepped back again, carefully and gently pulling the bra off her shoulders, and shook his head in admiration when he dropped it.  
“Beautiful,” he muttered under his breath as he cupped her breasts and brushed her nipples with his thumbs; and this time it was her who could not suppress a sharp intake of breath as she closed her eyes.

Another embrace, skin on skin, and another hungry kiss, and then Anders pulled away from her lips and pushed her onto the bed after ridding himself of trousers and socks.

Their kisses were more demanding now as they pressed their bodies together; their fast and heavy breathing, the soft moans and kisses accompanied by the rustle of the bedclothes the only sounds around them. 

Gaia was the first to break free from their kiss and sat up, letting her eyes and then her hands roam his body before she leaned over to remove the last piece of his clothing. Anders couldn’t keep his eyes open when her hands slid down his legs and up again, and when her hands were finally where he wanted them most he stopped caring about what sounds he made, alternating between biting his lower lip and encouraging her in a broken whisper as she caressed his dick and fondled his stones.

It was only because he would break and spill into her hands if she continued that way that he pulled away from her and her touch to reciprocate the favour, his dick trembling and leaking as he watched her sprawled out before him, hair spread out on the pillow and her tongue darting out between her lips. 

With another low moan he lowered himself down on top of her and kissed her again, tongue and hands exploring. It was when he nudged her legs apart with his that she cradled his face in her hands and tugged.

He forced himself to focus on her face.  
“Condom,” she whispered. “Sorry... no pill.”  
“It’s okay, babe.” It wasn’t easy to leave his position but he rolled onto his back and then onto his side to reach for the drawer of the nightstand. “I got it covered.”

He had bought an array of nubby ones and ribbed ones and all in different colours in lieu of flavours, but now he just grabbed the first one he got his hands on and tore the foil apart with trembling fingers as he sat up onto his knees. He faltered when Gaia sat up beside him and was as if turned to stone when she took the condom from his suddenly unresisting fingers. 

She bent down and placed a kiss onto his dick...  
“Jesus _Christ_...”  
... and straightened up again to roll the condom down with a quick yet gentle move.

“Didn’t know it feels so hot to have someone else do that,” he whispered against the skin of her neck as he pushed her back and settled down on top of her again.  
Gaia smiled and drew a finger down his spine. “Didn’t know it could be so hot doing that,” she whispered back.

Talking became impossible and completely unnecessary after that, and their hard breaths turned to moans as they found their rhythm, becoming louder and louder together with the sounds of flesh on flesh as they picked up speed. 

It was only at the back of his mind that Anders, feeling his own climax approach, registered that Gaia was nowhere near her own, but even as he tried to tone it down, to give her more time, she closed her legs around him, pushed him deeper in, and Anders quickly lost it after that. He came with a shout of her name, his hips losing their rhythm with the deep, hard thrusts of his orgasm, and then he slowly sunk down onto her body to press his face against the side of her neck before he had to move away from her.

With the condom discarded next to the bed he settled down again and closed his arms around her as she moved as close to him as possible. 

“Sorry, babe,” he said softly into her hair.  
“What for?” She leaned back, seeming honestly confused.  
He traced her cheek with his forefinger. “You didn’t...”  
Her confused expression turned into a smile. “No, you’re right, I didn’t. I never do. Not like that.”  
Now it was Anders’s turn to look confused.

“I... I really don’t want to get all medical,” Gaia said and traced a finger across his lips. “But I can’t have vaginal orgasms. Means I don’t come from just... from having sex like this.”  
Anders kissed the finger as he frowned at her. “So you never...?”  
“Of course I have,” she said with a tiny chuckle. “I’m just... I need a little more attention. There’s actually a lot of women who can’t have vaginal orgasms, it comes with not having a G-spot. And I happen to be one of them, sorry.”  
“Wha... wait, no G-spot?”  
“Not every woman has one, Anders.”  
“I didn’t... I guess I assumed that was the case.”  
“But you do know when a woman fakes it?”  
He smiled at her. “Of course I do, babe. If I didn’t I’d have remained blissfully unaware of your lack of satisfaction, even if it hurts my pride a little that you didn’t come.”  
“It’s not your fault.” Gaia traced the shell of his ear with a finger. “It’s just the way it is. The way I am.”

Anders tried to think of an answer, but he kissed her instead. Kissed her soft and tender, because he knew she liked that very much, and pushed her onto her back.  
“I guess it’s time then for that little bit of _more attention_ ,” he whispered against her lips. Another kiss, and he let go of her lips and placed a trail of kisses down her neck, past her collarbone and across the sweet curve of her right breast before claiming her nipple between his lips, smiling against her skin as she dug her hand into his hair with a low and throaty moan. 

After gently toying with her other nipple between thumb and forefinger he shifted his attention towards her other breast and she began to move and writhe under his touch. After letting go of her nipples he settled back down beside her and kissed her as his hand trailed down her stomach and through the soft and springy curls below it. Her small, needy hum turned into a loud moan as he dipped his finger inside her, hot and smooth and silky, and as his fingers explored her he could feel her body tense, hear her breathing turn into moaning again. 

A somewhat uncontrolled, high-pitched moan told him when he had hit the right spot and smiling smugly, he rubbed first one, then two fingers across the preciously sensitive little bump, starting with hardly any pressure and increasing it as her moans became louder and louder. 

He was already aroused again himself, and when he suddenly heard his name coming from her lips on a long, drawn out moan, a jolt shot straight from his brain to his dick, leaving a trail of warmth in its wake. And then he could feel it approach, her breathing suddenly hitched into high, short gasps, and then her body tensed more and her back arched and then... he felt the throbbing against his hand and oh, the sounds she made... he could get drunk on those sounds. 

Collapsing into the boneless state of post-climax she curled into his waiting arms and as he pulled her close, a smug and victorious smile spread on his face. It had been surprisingly easy and incredibly satisfying, and if this was the way it was going to be – well he definitely had worse.

It was when she returned from the bathroom, when he looked at her again in all her naked beauty, that his dick decided he’d rested long enough now. Gaia smiled at him when she saw his dick rising up as if to greet her, and knelt down beside him, leaned over him and kissed him. 

This time it was her reaching for the condoms, but as she unwrapped it she gave him the sweetest smile.  
“Sit up,” she said softly.  
Anders sat up and knelt down in front of her.

Once she had rolled the condom down Gaia kissed him again, but before he could push her down again she had moved close enough to him to sit on his lap. He looked at her, hands on her hips, and watched as she arranged her legs on each side of his hips. He quickly realised what she had in mind and assisted in adjusting the angle of his dick with one hand, and when she slid forward into his lap it felt... it felt like nothing he had ever experienced. He had never tried that particular position before but had to admit he’d missed out on something. She adjusted the position of her own hips as she ground down on him, then crossed her legs behind his. Their arms closed around each other, and they soon found their rhythm again, slower this time, and interspersed with a lot more kisses.

And in the midst of it, he was suddenly struck by an idea about how else make use of this particular position. He adjusted one hand firmly at her back and moved the other forward across her hips and lower, and the small yelp immediately followed by high, loud moans told him that it had been a very good idea, indeed. 

It took him a little bit to figure it out; to keep up the caress of his finger without losing his rhythm, but her reactions, those moans and breathlessly, incoherently stuttered words, told him he was doing quite a good job of it.

And then all of a sudden...  
“Anders... oh god, Anders...”  
... and he felt her fingernails dig into his back so hard he was sure they’d leave a mark, and a second later he felt it around him, the clenching, the throbbing, her fingernails now digging painfully into his flesh; but even if he hadn’t felt it he would have known by the sounds she made. It was a scream this time, and then she fell against him with a wail, clinging to him and almost sobbing into his shoulder. Anders removed his hand from between their bodies, closed his arms at her back again and let himself go, but the memory of his name coming from her lips as a ragged moan undid him quickly after only a few more thrusts.

Boneless and exhausted but blissfully sated they settled down in a comfortable embrace. Only now did Anders realise that a few spots on his back were burning.

“I think you drew blood, babe,” he said with a chuckle under his breath.  
Gaia’s eyes widened and she sat up to look over his shoulder. “Shit. Oh god, I’m sorry...”  
Anders pulled her down again. “Guess that means I did a good job doing you.”  
She smiled again upon seeing his smile. “Yes, I guess so.”

They shared a few more lazy kisses, to beat to even think of anything more. 

“Oh bollocks,” Anders said as he suddenly tore himself away.  
Gaia almost had a heart attack. “What?”  
He stared at her in mock distress. “We forgot about the chocolate sauce!”

It took Gaia a few seconds to process that, but when their eyes met again, they couldn’t help but burst into laughter. 

“Next time then,” Gaia said after they had calmed and settled back down, him on his back and she curled up against his side with her head bedded on his shoulder. “If there is going to be a next time?”  
Anders closed his arm around her. “I’d be an idiot if I say no to that.”  
Satisfied with that answer Gaia settled down and closed her eyes, her hand trailing idly through the hairs on his chest.

Anders was still staring at the ceiling with a satisfied little smile when he suddenly realised that her hand had stilled, and that her body had gone limp and warm at his side. He cocked his head to look at her. 

Snuggled against him, she had fallen asleep. 

Seeing her like that caused a lot of strange and unfamiliar feelings in him. It was a little scary, but somehow, it felt pretty good as well.

* * *

Anders didn’t find out yet how it felt to wake up beside her because he woke up in an empty bed. He sat up with a frown, but then he could smell coffee and with his frown turning into a smile, he got up and headed for the kitchen without bothering to put any clothes on. He found Gaia in the kitchen making coffee and wearing a only panties and a T-shirt.

“Wouldn’t it be traditional if you wore one of mine?” He stepped behind her and closed his arms around her hips.  
“No, traditional would be if I wore one of your shirts with the sleeves rolled up.” She stepped away from him and faltered, then looked him up and down. She obviously hadn’t expected to see him in the kitchen without a stitch of clothing.

“Coffee’s ready,” she said with a smile after rallying herself. “I was about to come in and wake you up. It’s just about ready to drink.”  
“And what’s for breakfast?”

Gaia opened the fridge and peeked inside. She reached for something and as she closed the door again she looked at Anders with the sweetest, most salacious and outright wicked smiles he had ever seen. “Chocolate sauce.”  
Anders groaned and pulled her close again. “You’ll be the death of me, babe.”

Moments later they found themselves in the bedroom again sharing hot and messy kisses, their coffee cooling forgotten on the kitchen counter. Gaia pushed Anders onto the bed and ripped the T-shirt off before she almost jumped atop him to kiss him again. After a moment she tore herself away, sat up and opened the bottle with a wicked grin and slightly trembling hands. 

Anders’s dick had already risen to the challenge, as it was, and he lifted his head to watch her lick her fingers after a taste. But even as he expected his dick to be covered in chocolate sauce she moved towards his face, leaned over him and said: “Smile.”  
It wasn’t really intentional, but he smiled nonetheless when he looked up at her.  
“Thanks,” Gaia replied and carefully dribbled some of the sauce into his dimples.  
“Oh yeah, babe...” His smile widened even more as she quickly kissed and licked the chocolate sauce off his face. “Just help yourself.”  
“I have every intention to do so,” she gave back and sat up again adjusting her grip of the bottle. “This time, I am going to devour you, Anders.”

Anders was about to make a snarky reply to that when she unceremoniously squeezed the bottle as hard as she could and with a few moves of her arm, covered his whole front in streaks of chocolate. He meant to tell her that he’d never get that mess out of his chest hair again, but “Shit,” was all he could get out before only a wheeze was left of his breath when Gaia began to lick and mouth at his chest and belly. It most likely looked ridiculous but felt hot, too hot for him to care.

His head flew up again when Gaia had reached his dick and he was completely out of breath as he watched her apply the sauce very deliberately; it was running down his dick and trickling down his stones and vanished in the crack of his arse. Anders dropped his head again with a deep, heartfelt groan when she practically threw the bottle away and attacked his dick with lips and tongue.

She took as much of him in as she could and mouthed and licked and _oh my god_ , it was too much, too much of a good thing...  
“Babe,” he gasped. “Stop it, stop...”  
Gaia jerked upright and oh _Sweet Bleeding Jesus_ there was chocolate sauce trickling down her chin.  
“Don’t you like it?” Her eyes were wide with disappointment.  
“No,” he hurried to say. “No, god, no... I like it, I love it... it’s just... it’s too good...” He swallowed hard. “If you keep that up you’ll be exchanging one beverage for the other any moment.”  
“Oh.” She gave him a very calculating stare. “I’ve never tried that before.”  
Words failed him at that moment and dropping his head, Anders surrendered to his fate.

And then she was back going at his dick like she was starving, and he would have liked to make a crude and saucy joke about it but he couldn’t, he simply couldn’t. She sucked and licked and kept going until he could no longer no longer rein himself in.  
“Fuck, babe I’m going to...”  
But it was too late and he came into her mouth, felt her suck and swallow and couldn’t believe he was feeling that. And then, when she finally had mercy on him and let him go, he had just enough left in him to lift his head. 

He’d never thought he’d ever faint in his own bed, but the sight of Gaia, looking at him with an utterly smug expression with chocolate sauce smeared across her chin and lips... he was getting pretty close at that moment.

“God...” He whispered as he got his breath back. “Babe... you’re killing me.”  
“I hope not,” she said as she lowered herself down chest to chest onto his body.  
“You did...” Anders trailed his fingers through her hair. “You enjoyed that, didn’t you? You liked that?”  
“Well.” She drew a finger through some chocolaty streaks on his chest and licked the finger clean. “It was nice... I mean, I didn’t particularly enjoy the swallowing bit, I didn’t really like the taste, but you seemed to like it very much so I went for it.”

Anders was at a loss for words. He was overcome by a surge of unfamiliar feelings but it all came down to him not wanting to ever let her leave his bed. Or his kitchen. His life, in fact. The way she looked at him right now, with the confession she had swallowed only to please him, made him want to throw his arms around her and never let go. He found it very hard to deal with all that, so instead, he pushed her away from him and onto her back before he gripped the bottle himself.

“Time to return the favour, babe.”

* * *

Not only did they need a shower after that morning, but the bedclothes needed changing somewhat urgently as well. 

Breakfast, which was a good bit after noon, consisted of egg sandwiches, orange juice and – freshly brewed – coffee and they spent the rest of the day alternating between lounging on the couch not really watching telly and the bedroom. Dinner was pizza, ordered home.

When Anders got home again Sunday evening after giving Gaia a lift home, regrettably but they both had to work the next morning, he realised that this had been one pretty good weekend. Maybe one of the best weekends of his life. And he wanted more of those.

His eyes fell onto the bottle of chocolate sauce and its caramel twin when he opened the fridge to get a beer, and the smile stayed on his face for the rest of the evening.


	15. What would you care if you lost the other?

* * *

Every now and then, when he had nothing to really occupy his thoughts, Anders’s mind went back to that first weekend together. That had been three weeks ago.  
They had agreed upon meeting the next Friday to not disrupt their work/sleep schedule, but come Wednesday, Anders had stood on her doorstep with a smile that was most definitely not embarrassed. He’d stayed the night because honestly, why shouldn’t he be able to go to work from her place instead of his own?

So now they were dating. Went out several times to have dinner together, had been to the movies once, and spent quite a few evenings at her favourite place; an Irish pub called Connemara, and while he couldn’t really get used to the taste of Guinness they had a few other things on tap he could get used to. Neither was he warming up to the ambience of that place yet. It was dimly lit and decorated with a million pieces of junk and crap, and together with the constant background noise of Irish music it was so far a call from what he usually frequented that he still wasn’t quite sure if he liked the place or not. But then, the drinks were modestly priced and he didn’t have to wear a tie, so it was a welcome change in any case.

And they had spent hours chatting over one drink or the other. He couldn’t have imagined they had so much to talk about. So they were dating. Going to dinner, movies, to the pub. Actually, it wasn’t as bad as he had expected. Not by a long shot. And something else began to dawn on him as well. 

Sex with rapidly changing partners was always new, exciting, intense. But very vanilla. You don’t try out all sorts of things with someone who’s just a one-night-stand.

Sex with one partner for a continuous time however was far from as boring as he had thought it would be. It meant getting to know likes and dislikes and trying out all sorts of stuff in the surety of that if it didn’t work, they’d laugh about it and try something else.

And he had almost expected he’d be unable to keep his eyes, or worse, hands, off other women... well, he had managed to surprise himself. A crooked little smile tugged at the corners of his mouth as he stirred his coffee. 

A coffee that he took at the little coffee shop where Gaia worked because after _that_ meeting today with _that_ client he seriously needed a coffee somewhere that was definitely not his office. Turned out they made a damn good coffee and he was already into his second one. Both of them pretending, to both their entertainment, that she was just a barista and he just a customer. 

“I’ll have another one.”  
“You sure you don’t want that special offer with the muffin with that, sir? They’re delicious.”  
“No thanks, I’ll pass. I’m more of a chocolate cake guy.”  
“Really? I’d never have guessed.”

They couldn’t really stop grinning through all this.

When Anders sat down in his little booth, someone from the next table poked their head around.

“Anders?”  
He looked up from his paper at the sound of that familiar voice. “Axl?”  
His youngest brother slid into the seat opposite him, coffee and all. “What are you doing here?”  
Anders looked back and forth between Axl and his cup. “Having a coffee.”  
“Uh, yeah, I mean...” Axl grinned somewhat bashfully. “Obviously. I just... I’ve never seen you here before.”  
“That’s maybe because I’ve never been here before.” Anders took a sip of his coffee. “Do you come here often?”  
“Almost every day on my home from work,” Axl said. “They do a really good coffee here and the barista is a friend of mine.”  
“You don’t say.”

Axl blinked in puzzlement and looked over his shoulder at the counter, behind which Gaia was putting the last blueberry muffins onto a plate, and back at Anders whose poker face betrayed nothing. Until he had mercy on his brother and grinned. Axl chuckled and shook his head. 

“You weren’t there at Mike’s the last two Mondays,” Axl said after a while, worry apparent in both his face and his voice. “Is something wrong?”  
It was endearing to have him worry, and Anders shook his head with a smile. “Not a thing. I just had... other appointments.”  
“Oh, okay.” Axl took a sip of his own coffee. “So how’s it going?”  
“Pretty well, actually.” 

What was he supposed to do now? He had the nagging feeling that if he would let on about that he and Gaia had a thing going on something unpleasant might happen, but he really didn’t want to lie to his baby brother. 

He was saved, if you could call it that, by the appearance of two young guys, about Axl’s age, who swaggered towards the counter and ordered coffee and muffins.

“I’ve never seen you here before,” the taller of the two of them said to Gaia.  
“I’ve worked here for months, in fact,” Gaia gave back.  
“Seems like I should come here more often.”

Anders and Axl looked at each other and then Anders looked past his brother who turned his neck so both of them could watch the two guys trying to engage Gaia in a conversation.

“What’s your name?”  
“Gaia.”  
“Gaia? That’s a lovely name. Hi, I’m Steve. Nice to meet you. Did you make the muffins?”  
Gaia wrung out her cloth and proceeded to wipe down the display cabinet. “Nope. They are being delivered.” She didn’t meet his eyes and busied herself with her cleaning.  
Chewing and dropping crumbs on the freshly cleaned counter, he leaned forward. “You have any more of those?”  
“No, sorry. I’m closing down in ten.”  
“Damn.” 

Gaia bend down again towards her bucket, and when she straightened up again to wipe the crumbs away, the guy called Steve leaned forward towards her even more. 

“Hey, do you need someone to walk you home? It’s not safe for you alone, you know. Because of the Fiend.”  
“I know about the Fiend,” Gaia gave back, voice sharp now. “Thanks for the offer, but no thanks.”  
“You sure? I could give you my number if you change your mind.”  
With a sigh, Gaia dropped her cloth onto the counter. “Get lost.”

Both Axl and Anders could only see the guys back but clearly see Gaia’s facial expression. 

Steve and his nameless buddy made their retreat, but the sour expression on Steve’s face was unmistakable.

Axl and Anders finished their coffee, and as they were about to leave, Axl asked Gaia if she would like him to walk her home.

“No,” Gaia said slowly. “Thanks Axl... but I think I got that covered.” She vanished under the counter again.  
“Fine.” He smiled broadly, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Someone’s coming to pick you up, then. Glad to hear that.”  
Gaia re-emerged from behind the counter and proceeded to wipe down the rest of the surface. She couldn’t quite keep her eyes from dashing to Anders, however.  
Axl’s grin became a little strained as he looked at Gaia, then at Anders, and back at Gaia again. 

Ander’s poker face had rarely been so hard to maintain. _Fuck_.

“Uh... Yeah.” Axl slipped his hands out of his pockets and scratched the back of his head. “Well... then...” His smile was more than a little strained now. “Cool. I’m off then.”

The door had closed behind him and Anders and Gaia exchanged a worried glance. 

“Meet you outside, babe.”  
Gaia nodded. “Hopefully in once piece.”  
“Hopefully.”

Axl was still standing on the pavement next to the door when Anders emerged. Gaia closed the door behind him with a long, worried look at Axl.

For some long, awkward minutes the two brothers pretended the silence wasn’t awkward at all. But before either of them could say anything, two guys came around the corner, and by their red jackets it was clear who they were. They had timed their arrival perfectly with Gaia leaving through the staff entrance.

“Hey, you sure you don’t need a lift home?” Steve smiled at Gaia and jingled his car keys. His friend beside him crossed his arms with a smug expression.  
“Get lost,” Gaia snapped at him. “I’m not interested. Just get lost.”

Axl now took a step forward. “Why don’t you do as she says and fuck off?”  
Steve had to tilt his head back a little to look at him. “And who are you? Her boyfriend?”  
“No.” Anders stepped beside his brother. “That would be me.” A smart guy in a smart, expensive suit and tie and wearing sunglasses, his appearance had the desired effect and totally swamped them.  
“Wow... oh... okay. So...” Steve took a step back. “And who’s he then?”  
Axl, bless him, didn’t miss a beat. He cracked his knuckles so hard it made everyone wince. “I’m his bodyguard.”

The two guys exchanged a single look and beat it. 

That left Axl, Gaia and Anders to look at each other somewhat uncomfortable. 

“Thanks, bro.” Anders finally broke the silence.  
“Uh... sure.” Then Axl took a step back. “So... you’re an item, huh? Or was that a sham to get the fuckers to get lost?”  
This time, it was Gaia and Anders who exchanged a look.  
“No,” Gaia finally admitted. “No sham, Axl. Please, are you okay with this?”

Axl nervously licked his lips, took a step back and shoved his hands back into his pockets. “It’s... it’s not really my business, is it?”  
“Glad you look at it that way,” Anders replied, trying to keep the relief from flooding out with those words like air out of a deflating balloon.  
“Uh, yeah.” A nervous grin. “Just... that comes a little unexpected.”  
Gaia slipped her arm through Anders’s, looking up at Axl with her expression slightly apologetic and slightly pleading. “But you’re okay with this? ‘Cause I’d hate to lose you as a friend over this.”  
“No!” Axl hastened to say. “No, it’s cool! I mean...” He looked at Anders, then back at Gaia. “As long as he treats you all right and you’re happy...”

Gaia relaxed and leaned a little in towards Anders. “I’ve absolutely no reason to complain.  
“See?” Anders smiled a little too brightly for it to be completely serious. “She’s got me domesticated and everything.”

After a moment of silence, all three of them started laughing, their relief apparent. 

“Cool,” Axl said again. “You guys take care, yes?”  
“Take care, Axl. See you around!” Gaia smiled at him and Anders gave him a little wave before Axl rounded the corner and vanished out of sight.

“So,” Gaia said after a small pause and turned towards Anders. She plucked the sunglasses off his face and slipped them into the front pocket of his jacket. “Boyfriend? An item, are we?”  
Anders cleared his throat. “We’ve been dating for three weeks now and regularly have dinner and sex together.” He rested his hands on her hips. “I guess we are... I guess you could call it that.”  
Gaia smiled sweetly up at him and tipped her head closer. “I like the thought, you know?”  
Anders met her lips in a playful kiss. “Just do me a favour, yes?”  
Gaia lifted her eyebrows.  
“Don’t go ahead and start making plans for an idyllic, suburban paradise just yet.”

After a few seconds of a completely addleheaded stare Gaia suddenly emitted a hearty snort and erupted into a fit of giggles. Anders grinned in relief and kissed her again before he draped an arm around her shoulders, and as she closed hers around his hips, they exchanged another kiss, small and sweet, before they made their way to his car.

* * *

It was Monday, the time was five minutes after six, and Anders had looked at his watch several times already. So many times, in fact, that Gaia had noticed and poked him in the ribs.

“Hey.”  
Anders looked at her finger and then up at her face.  
“What’s the matter? You keep looking at the clock. Do you need to be somewhere? You can just say so.”  
“No. Yes. I mean...” Anders rubbed one hand across his chin. “Usually, Monday evening is family evening at Mike’s bar. I don’t know why he insisted we make that a thing... maybe he wants to keep us all happily bonded after the gahr.”  
“So you should be at Mikes by now?”  
“I should be at Mike’s in about an hour, but I don’t really fancy going.”

“Oh come on, you look like a boy who doesn’t want to go to the dentist.”  
“It sure as fuck is about as pleasant.”  
“Really?  
Anders sighed. “Well... most times it’s not so bad, actually. Just...”

Gaia could identify the meaning of the silence. “It’s about me, isn’t it?”  
Anders sat upright and looked at her. “No. Well, yes it is, but not what you think.”  
“I think we both think the same.” Gaia took his hands in his. “You’re worried that when they find out we’re together they’ll come at you with torches and pitchforks.”  
Anders opened his mouth to say something, but after a second or two, closed it again and simply met her eyes.

Gaia squeezed his hands. “I don’t think trying to avoid them forever will work. I mean, think of Axl. He seemed okay with it.”  
“I think...” Anders took a deep breath. “You know...”  
“Let’s go. What’s the worst that could happen?” Gaia got up and tugged at his hands.  
“You really want an answer to that?” Anders replied as he followed the tug of her hands and got up as well.

* * *

Anders stopped one last time at the door of Mike’s bar. He adjusted his tie, straightened his jacket and cast a last look at Gaia who slipped her arm through his with an encouraging smile.

Everyone looked up as they entered, everyone smiled, and then everyone proceeded to stare at Anders as if he had sprouted a second head.

“What?" He said with much more bravado than he felt. “Is my fly undone?”  
“Your fly...” Mike said as he leaned across the bar, “... has caused me too much grief already and it seems to be undone no matter if your zipper is down or not.”  
“That’s harsh, Mike, I...  
“Shut up, Anders.” Mike crossed his arms on the counter. “What’s the deal with Gaia?”  
“What do you mean, what’s the deal? I thought that was fucking obvious!”  
“Cut the crap and stop talking about fucking.” He turned his gaze to Gaia. “What on earth are you doing here with him?”

Gaia straightened up and met his eyes. “We had thought about having a drink here with the rest of you.”  
“That is bloody obvious. I mean what are you doing here with him?”  
“Why is that your business? Do we get a beer or not?”

Mike straightened up and with his facial expression suggesting he wasn’t done quite yet, he produced two bottles of beer. 

“Look,” Anders said into the stony silence after a moment and put his bottle down. “I am not going to be your exhibit A in a freak show. If you have a problem with me and Gaia then say so or get the fuck on with your lives.”  
“Well, what is it with you and Gaia?” Ty finally asked, trying not to sound accusing and failing. “I thought you couldn’t stand each other?”  
“We got over that phase,” Anders replied and took a sip of beer.

“So what did you do to her? Sweet talk her into being eternally together and showering her with trinkets?”  
This time, Anders slammed the bottle onto the counter. “For fucks sake, Mike! I don’t...”  
“You treat ever woman like shit, Anders, and I won’t let that happen to a girl who’s too good for you. Gaia doesn’t deserve your tricks and lies and...”  
“Will you shut the fuck up?”  
“No, Anders, I won’t shut the fuck up. Gaia is not going to...”  
“You know,” Gaia cut in sharply, “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk about me as if I wasn’t here. I am standing right here, so say the things you want to tell me into my face!”

Mike looked at her with a flick of his head. “I thought you, of all people, should know better and that you should be wary around Anders.”  
“And exactly what do you mean with that?  
“Come on!” He dropped his towel onto the bar. “He fucked you when...”  
“Shut up, Mike!” Gaia stared furiously back at him. “Shut up and stop being a dickhead! That wasn’t Anders, as little as it was me! It was Bragi and Idun and you know that as well as I do!”  
“And what I know as well is that he’ll drop you without wasting another thought as soon as he gets tired of you!”

Mike was glaring daggers at the two of them and Anders and Gaia glared daggers back.

“See what I mean?” Anders suddenly addressed Gaia.  
Gaia’s shoulders dropped. “Yes. Torches and pitchforks.”  
“Oh come on, don’t be ridiculous,” Mike gave back, raising his arms with his palms upwards. “Anders...”  
“Anders is your brother and you might give him the benefit of doubt every now and then.”

Unbeknownst to the others, Dawn and Ty exchanged a look.

“I’ve given up on that years ago,” Mike scoffed. “It’s a waste of time.”

Gaia and Anders looked at each other again and ignored Mike for the moment. 

“Maybe we should just go?” Gaia suggested, taking his hands.  
Anders shrugged. “Yeah, maybe we should do that.”  
“Come on, Gaia, don’t be stupid!”  
Anders spun around and faced him with ice-cold eyes. “Shut the fuck up. Just shut the fuck up. You can say to me what you want, but you stop talking like that to her, do you get me?”  
Mike threw the towel over his shoulder. “Or else?”

Before Anders could think of something, Gaia took his arm and dragged him towards the door. "Go fuck yourself,” she told Mike calmly, and Anders rolled his shoulders and followed her outside. 

“Jesus Christ, Mike, was that really necessary?” Ty asked after a few moments.  
“What? Do you really think...”  
“It doesn’t matter!” Ty got up and lifted his arms at the elbows and dropped them again. “It’s not your fucking business! You know, actually, back when Olaf went and got every other girl pregnant that he met, that should have been your business and you never went at him like that!”  
“Olaf isn’t Anders,” Mike snapped back.  
“No, he isn’t.” Ty took a deep breath. “But you know what? The first time I saw them together was at Angelo’s and that was more than two weeks ago! Why is it impossible for you to accept Anders can actually change?”  
“Because Anders does not change. Cheating and lying is part of his very essence and you can’t tell me otherwise.”  
“He’s making a real effort!” Ty gave back.

Mike threw his towel down again. “Yes, and as usual, he succeeds, and what happens in another two weeks? Gaia will sit crying and alone somewhere with a broken heart!”  
“Cry her a river, why don’t you!” Ty curled his hands into fists. “She’s a grown woman and she can take care of herself and whoever she chooses to spend her nights with is none of your fucking business! You sure as fuck didn’t care about any of his other flings and only because you happen to know this woman you go completely apeshit, the fuck is wrong with you?”  
“Gaia doesn’t...” Mike began, but Ty was done listening to him.

“You know what, Mike? Fuck that. Fuck everything, Gaia isn’t the issue here, is she now? You get so mad at Anders because of a woman when you’ve never gave a flying fuck before because you can’t stand the thought of him being in a relationship! The issue’s not Gaia, it’s Valerie!”  
“Keep Val out of this!” Mike yelled at him. “Don’t you dare bring up the number he pulled with her!”  
“Don’t think I like what he did to you and her!” Ty yelled back at him. “It was a shit idea and he fucked up really bad, but what gets at you is that he was right back then! That Val and you was the worst idea ever, and he said so! And turns out he was right all along and that’s what you’re getting worked up about! You blame Anders for fucking up your relationship as if it hadn’t been fucked up from the start and can’t stand seeing him being happy with a woman! You’re an asshole, Mike! A sorry, jealous asshole!”

Mike stared at his younger brother as if he was barely restraining himself from jumping the counter and giving him a piece of his mind with a fist or two. 

“Well....” Olaf got up and positioned himself between the two, stretching his hands out in a placating gesture. “Time to calm down.” He looked at Ty who was still bristling but sat down again. Dawn patted his hand and looked very pleased and very proud of him.  
“Time to calm down, Mike,” Olaf said to Mike as well, and Mike picked his towel up and gave him an angry snort.

“Well Mike, whatever your intentions and whatever brought that on, and I have to agree with Ty and have to express my doubts about it being your concern for Gaia’s welfare...”  
“Shut the fuck up, you moron!”  
“...you have succeeded in one thing,” Olaf went on without missing a beat. “Because if you ever meant to create a really strong _Them-vs-Us_ situation then congratulations! It has been achieved.”

Mike snorted again and picked up the two half-empty bottles on the counter.


	16. All of this is coming your way

* * *

Until Thursday morning Dawn had not mentioned the events of Monday night; in fact, she had thought it prudent to pretend not only that nothing had happened but that this week didn’t happen to have a Monday at all. 

And now they were side by side brooding over the pictures taken during the photo session for _Earth’s Bounty_ and their organic breakfast cereals.

Anders dropped the stack of pictures onto the table. “These are useless.”  
Dawn took one and looked at the model smiling at the prospective customer with her bowl and spoon in hand. Her grin was so broad it looked as if she was advertising toothpaste and not cornflakes. “I can only agree.”  
Anders leaned back in his chair and chewed on his pencil. “We have to do another one, and we need another model.”  
“What do you have in mind?”  
“Oh, I don’t know.” Anders leaved through the photographs again. “This one isn’t so bad, but... I think she’s the wrong type. We need something more... natural. More...” He broke off with a frown.  
“More organic?”  
Anders exhaled an amused huff of breath. “Yes, why not? An organic model for organic muesli.”

Dawn collected all the pictures in a neat stack and pushed them back into the envelope. Dropping that off onto her desk on her way to the coffee maker she kept an eye on Anders but he seemed genuinely engrossed in his concept papers.

“You know...” She began hesitantly as she put a cup of coffee in front of him and sat down again. “There’s something I wanted to talk about.”  
“If it has anything to do with Monday then I don’t want to hear it,” he said flatly without taking his eyes off the paper.  
“It has, but please...” She took a deep breath. “Ty and I talked.”  
“About me?”  
“About Mike.”  
“So?”  
“Mike is a wanker.”  
“Breaking news.”  
“I know, right?” She adjusted her position in the chair. “Anyway. Ty and I thought we could go out to dinner together? Ty and me, and you and Gaia? On Friday, maybe?”

Anders finally looked up. Dawn met his eyes, trying her best not to look concerned. 

“And what brought that on?” He toyed with his pencil.  
“Well.” Dawn tilted her head slightly. “Mike is a wanker and he has no right to talk like that, and we want you two to know... He can throw you out of his bar, but he can’t just...” She tried to smile. “You and Ty are still brothers and what you do together is none of Mike’s business.”  
Anders put his pencil down. “Is this your way of letting us know that we are no pariahs despite Mike’s verdict?”  
“Mike,” Dawn gave back pointedly. “Can stuff his verdicts where the sun doesn’t shine.”

After looking at her for a long, hard moment, Anders’ face softened somewhat. “I’ll ask her.”  
“Great!” Dawn smiled brightly and got up again. “I’ll look into the model agencies, shall I?”  
“Please,” Anders gave back and headed for his desk. “I’ll return Miller’s call and see what the carpet shampoo people wanted.”

* * *

When Anders came home later that afternoon he could hear the telly and smiled to himself. Sometime during the last weeks they had, somehow, exchanged their spare keys, so the surprise was a pleasant one. 

“Hi, babe.” He closed the door behind him, but Gaia didn’t acknowledge his presence while she was staring at the screen. He took a step towards her. “Babe?”  
Gaia almost jumped from the couch. “Anders!” She smiled sheepishly. “Sorry, but I was watching the news...”  
Anders put down his briefcase and looked past her. “So what’s so fascinating about the news? Is there coffee?”  
“There is coffee and the news is... not good.”

Smiling at the thought that Gaia knew her way around his kitchen pretty well by now, Anders helped himself to a cup and sat down beside her. 

“Two more dead girls,” Gaia said, her hands clamped between her knees. “They say the forensics are detecting a pattern and there are profilers working on the case and they’re confident they’ll have him soon.” She looked up. “Whatever that means.”  
Anders sat his cup down onto the table and put an arm around her. “That still gets at you,” he said in a low voice, and it wasn’t a question.  
“It does.” She leaned into his embrace. “I could have been one of them.”

“But you’re not.” Anders gave back, peeled her away from him and put a finger under her chin to make her look at him. “You’re not.”  
A small smile spread on her lips and widened as she spoke. “No. Thanks to a brave hero who risked his own life to save mine.”  
Anders’ smile matched hers. “Knight in Shining Armour.”  
The smile grew into a chuckle. “More like Knight in a Smart Suit.”  
“How about Prince Charming, then?”  
Gaia leaned a little back. “No,” she said after she had scrutinized him. “Or maybe yes, but before that, you were definitely my knight in Shining Armour.”

After a moment, Gaia reached out and rested a hand on his cheek. “Even if I was not really able to appreciate it after I found out who my knight was.”  
“Yeah,” Anders gave back with a crooked grin. “Kind of like Princess Fiona when she made the knight who rescued her to take his helmet off.”  
“Princes who? Oh god...” Gaia dropped her hand with a grin. “Oh God, yes. I love that movie.”  
“Although I like to think of myself as a little more handsome than a huge green ogre.”  
“I definitely felt like her,” she replied with a giggle. “You were the very last person on earth I expected.”  
“But I do look better than an ogre.”

Gaia sat up onto her knees and Anders turned towards her, then she rested her hands on his shoulders. “Definitely more handsome. And you smell nicer.”  
Anders lifted his eyebrows.  
“I like your after shave.”  
“Really?” He settled his hands onto her hips. “Are you sure?”  
“Pretty sure, yes. Why?”  
“Oh, I don’t know.” Anders gave her a sassy little smile. “Just asking.”

Anders smiled a little victoriously as she leaned forward to brush the side of his neck with her cheek. She inhaled deeply a few times and whispered: “Yes, still like it,” before breathing a few kisses into the stubble on his jaw. “Very much.”  
“Good thing, that,” Anders whispered back as he closed his eyes. “Better make sure.”  
“Really sure.” Her lips trailed across his cheek and found his lips. 

Gaia broke the kiss leaned back, and combing her fingers through his hair she smiled at Anders who still had his eyes closed.

“Anders?”  
Anders cracked one eye open.  
“If you’re Shrek and I’m Fiona, who’s Farquard?”  
After a few moments of confused blinking, Anders focussed on her face again. “Axl?”  
They shared a grin.  
“Seems legit.” Gaia sat back. “And who’s Donkey?”

They looked at each other with thoughtful frowns, and suddenly, both of them simultaneously said: “Zeb!” and erupted into a fit of laughter, and only slowly calmed down again. 

Gaia settled down against him again and placed a kiss onto the side of his neck. “How was work?”  
“Tedious.” Anders closed an arm around her and settled back against the armrest. “The photo session for the muesli campaign last week was a complete waste of time. We need to do it all over again and we need...” He broke off with a frown, then pushed Gaia away and sat up.

Gaia cocked her head and lifted her eyebrows. 

“We need another model,” Anders continued slowly. “Someone... natural. A woman who can convincingly impersonate purity and being one with nature and all that...” He smiled softly. “The effigy on an earth goddess.”  
Gaia very slowly leaned forward. “Is there someone specific you’re thinking about now?”  
Anders ran his fingers through her curls and pulled her face a little closer. “How do you feel about a photo session for a PR campaign?”  
“Why me?”  
“Because I can’t think of someone who fits the job more perfectly.” He smiled gently and cradled her face in his hands. “Your name is a prophecy, Gaia.”

The kiss was soft and sweet and passionate all at once, all fears and anger of the past momentarily forgotten.

* * *

“I look ridiculous.” Gaia picked at the white gown that had a knot on one shoulder and left the other bare. “Are you sure this is a good idea?”  
“You look enchanting,” Anders assured her as the photographer arranged the camera and spots around her.  
Gaia shook her head and positioned herself before the screen that later would become the background.

“Okay, I have something new we can try,” Anders said to the photographer and finally opened the huge bag he had lugged in earlier without letting on what was inside. The content of that bag proved to be a massive, golden cornucopia.

“Isn’t that a little too cliché?” Gaia took the offered item with a very doubtful expression.  
“Not in the right setting,” Anders gave back. “Now I need you to do something.”  
“And what is that?”  
Anders guided her into position and adjusted her stance a little. “I need you to become the earth goddess for a moment.”  
Gaia snorted.  
“No, I mean it.” Anders met her eyes. “You are the impersonation of Mother Nature’s love for her children, and all that love you pour out in an unending shower of your bounty.”  
“I’ll try,” Gaia gave back and picked at the knot on her right shoulder. “But I feel really silly.”

Anders stepped back and the photographer got ready. “Ready?”  
“Pour out your love Gaia.” Anders crossed his arms.  
Gaia tried, she really did. But even as she pretended to empty the silly stupid cornucopia made of Styrofoam and paint she knew this was a waste of time.

“You’re note even trying,” Anders said, slightly miffed. “Come on, babe, I know you got it in you.”  
Gaia straightened up with an annoyed roll of her eyes. “This wasn’t my idea, you know.”  
Anders pinched the bridge of his nose and inhaled deeply. “Okay... Okay, we just need to...”

Then he licked his lips in a quick flick of his tongue and went down into a crouch. “Look at me, babe.”  
Gaia looked at him.  
“Now try again. And imagine your love.” He met her eyes, softness in his own. “All your love. You are the mother of all living things, they are all your children, and you care for them, and you are blessing them with fertility and prosperity.”  
Gaia swallowed and brought the cornucopia forward.  
“Pour put all your love,” Anders said, voice low and a little rough around the edges. “Every single living thing, they are your children and you love them.” He smiled at her. “Show them how much you love them, Gaia.”

Meeting Anders’s eyes, Gaia was suddenly completely entranced by his words and the look of his midsummer sky blue eyes. And as he smiled, she couldn’t help but smile back. 

“That was amazing!” The photographer yelled, thus breaking the spell and being completely oblivious of it. “We got it! That was perfect!”

Anders smiled at Gaia with a glint in his eyes and straightened up while Gaia clutched the cornucopia to her chest. He stepped beside the photographer and looked at the small screen and could only agree. 

That evening, he presented Gaia with the finished version of the picture. In the background were now fields of grain and trees bearing fruit, and an endless variety of all things harvested poured from the golden cornucopia. But what made the picture work weren’t the photo shopped elements, it was the tender, loving smile of the dark-skinned, black-haired goddess sharing her love.

“You’re a natural,” Anders said to her with a smile. “A beautiful, loving goddess.”  
Gaia closed her arms around him and leaned closer. “I’d never have guessed.” It was almost a whisper. “And here I thought you couldn’t do the Bragi trick anymore.”  
“Bragi had nothing to do with it,” Anders replied, his voice a low hum against her lips, his smile wavering the tiniest bit.  
“So that was all Anders?” Their lips were touching in what was almost, but not quite, a kiss. 

Unable to answer Anders closed the distance as he closed his arms around her. Her hands combing through his hair and then running down his back Gaia pressed closer and opened her lips.  
Still, Anders could feel her smile into the kiss.

* * *

The dinner they had that evening together with Dawn and Ty started out somewhat awkwardly, but Dawn proved to be a pro at starting a conversation and keeping it going. The atmosphere relaxed, and by the time they were done with their food they had arrived at the stage of chatting and laughing. 

They parted in good spirits and with the promise of doing it again sometime. 

Gaia had weekend shifts both Saturday and Sunday, so their time together was somewhat limited, but she made up for it with making a cake when she came back from work Sunday shortly after noon. They spent that afternoon eating cake in bed, and with one thing leading to another, they had shed all clothing at one point. 

Kissing feverishly, hungrily and passionately, their bodies sliding together skin on skin, they quickly worked themselves up into fervour and suddenly Anders was on top of her, both of them breathing hard and fast and moaning against each other’s lips. 

It was a near thing. A damn close shave. Caught in the heat of the moment, both of them had almost, _almost_ , forgotten the condom. And then feral suddenly replaced passionate and Anders fucked her hard and wild, lifting her up by the hips and slamming into her as deeply as he could, driving both himself and her almost insane with the sensation. He allowed himself only a short time for retaliation before he all but assaulted her again, this time with his head vanishing between her legs, and he made her scream like he had never heard before. 

Clinging to each other afterwards, neither of them was able to acknowledge it, lest even admit as much to the other. But with being so close to each other, they could feel that the other was going through the same sensations, the frightening clarity of almost having made a gigantic, stupid mistake. But what scared both of them even more was the fact that somehow, a small corner of their minds simply hadn’t cared about the consequences.

It frightened Gaia.

It scared the shit out of Anders.

By Monday morning, he had recovered enough to have pushed that incident out of his mind; enough, at least, to more or less do his job. If Dawn noticed anything off, she didn’t let on.  
Always the very soul of tact, his Dawn.

Rather than facing the memories of the near-fuckup in being alone at home with Gaia, he decided he’d face his brothers again. He’d be at Mike’s tonight facing him down as that was preferable by far to dealing with what had happened yesterday, or almost happened, as it were. 

Being in love was one thing. Completely losing his shit like that was quite another, and Anders wasn’t ready for that. He would never be. He wasn’t sure how, if at all, he could deal with all this anymore.

Having somehow left the outer reaches of known territory behind he was now even past the parts where it says _Here be Dragons_. He had fallen off the edge of the chart.

He had always been so sure of himself and had believed he could handle anything. But this, he had no clue how to deal with. It scared him. It scared him because he was, in all that confusion, sure of that one thing:

He didn’t want to fuck it up.


	17. Mischief threw a rotten deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Trigger Warning: Recollection of past sexual abuse**

* * *

The low murmur of conversation died down the very second Anders stepped through the door. Yes, he was a little late, but it was only a get-together, for fuck’s sake, and it wasn’t even his own fault that he had been delayed.  
Then he noticed the stares. 

“What?” He lifted his arms in confusion. “Do I have my pants on backwards?”  
“Shut up, Anders.” Mike’s voice was ice-cold and threateningly low. 

Anders was just about to prepare an answer to that when he suddenly realised that Gaia was already there. And she was crying. Axl sat beside her and had both arms around her, and his little brother gave him such a cold and hateful stare that Anders found himself take a step backwards.

“The fuck is going on?”

“What is going on is this.” Mike walked around his bar and came to halt in front of Anders. “I told her what I saw.”  
“And...” Anders looked at him expectantly, trying to keep himself afloat. “What did you see?”  
“What do you think?”  
“Oh come on, Mike. Cut the crap.” Anders crossed his arms. “Stop playing _I spy with my little eye_ and get to the point.”  
“The reason why you are late.”

“What?” Anders could only chuckle, a mirthless huff of breath. “What?”  
“That woman, Anders.”  
“Oh god, her?” This time, the chuckle was real. “Yeah, she’s an old...friend... acquaintance of mine. We used to have fun together before... you know. The Gahr and all that.”  
“Used to have?” Mike leaned a little forward. 

Anders nervously adjusted his tie. He realised where this was going, and he also realised that Mike seemed to have warmed the audience up good and proper, to judge by their stares. 

“Okay.” He took a deep breath. “What exactly did you see?”  
“I saw you talk to a woman in a red dress in front of the Black Horse Café. I saw you kiss her, and I saw you two vanish into the side alley between the café and the take-away where they have their bins and crap, and I saw her come out again before you.”  
“Mike...”  
“And she had her lipstick smeared all over the face and I saw that you had to sort through your privates when you came out of there.”  
“Mike... for fucks sake...”  
“Shut up, you asshole.” Mike inhaled deeply through his nose. “And you know what? It’s not really surprising you just about lasted for two months. I’m actually more surprised you lasted that long at all.”

Mike stood back and stared at him coldly. Anders looked at him, then at Axl, and finally at Gaia who refused to meet his eyes. Running both hands through his hair he took a deep breath.  
“Babe, please... it‘s not like that!”  
Finally, Gaia looked up, eyes read and full of tears. “Why?”  
“Babe, I swear it’s not that...”  
“As if anything you swear would be any more than a waste of your breath,” Mike said. “Swear to her, will you? Like swore to Axl you hadn’t shagged his girlfriend?”

“Shit.” Anders swallowed hard and ran both hands down his face, but when he looked at Gaia again, she was staring at the table, clutching and unclutching a Kleenex in her hand. Helplessly, and with something cold and unpleasant coagulating in his guts, he looked from one face to another, seeing nothing but disapproval, disappointment, and distain. 

“Do I...” His voice cracked and he cleared his throat. “Do I actually get to tell my side of the story?”  
“Yeah, sure. Go on.” Mike said with an encouraging flick of his hand. “Let’s hear it.”  
Anders crossed his arms again to hide how much his hands were shaking. “I somehow have the feeling that no matter what I say it won’t make a difference, will it?”  
“Look into a mirror Anders, and then ask us that again. But please, humour me. What happened?”

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Anders said under his breath. “Right.” He straightened up and took a deep breath. “That woman? Her name’s Anne. She’s an Australian model and I met her three years ago during a photo shoot. We made out.”  
“No shit,” Mike scoffed.  
Anders ran his hands through his hair again. “It was a onetime thing, no strings attached. She told me she was about to get married to the owner of the magazine they were doing the shots for. He wasn’t the youngest anymore, and she had plans. Turns out she has finally survived her late husband, and for some reason she thought it a good idea to invite me along for the party. And I told...” He cast a hasty side-ways glance at Gaia. “I told her that I had no interest and no intention...”  
This time, Mike snorted. 

Anders closed his eyes for a moment and forced his voice under control. “Shut the fuck up, Mike.”  
“I’m not saying anything.”  
Anders dragged a hand down his face. “I told her I’m not interested, and then I told her to get lost. And then she kissed me.”  
“Oh poor you!”  
“Fuck you! She kissed me, not the other way round! She grabbed my tie and pulled me in! I sw... I didn’t want to, and I...” He closed his eyes again. He was fighting a losing battle. _Fuck Mike! Fuck Mike and his goddamn self-righteous arse!_

“And then you two vanished into the crack between two shops to hide behind the bins to do what?” Mike asked. “Talk?”  
“I didn’t want to cause a scene there on the walkway with all the patrons of the café staring at us!” Anders curled his hands into fists. “Yes, we talked!”  
“Gimme a break.” Mike shook his head.  
“I told her again I wasn’t interested, and she tried again to kiss me to remind me of the good times we had and she... she didn’t want to hear it when I told her to get lost. And when I told her I was taken she kneed me in the stones and left.” He took a small step back. “That was probably why you saw me adjust my crotch when I staggered out after her because that fucking hurt!”

After a moment of silent staring, Anders tore his eyes away from Mike and looked at Gaia. She had looked up again, and he met her eyes. “Please, babe. I know... I know I’m not a saint. I know I fucked up before, but you knew all that. I swear that’s what happened.”  
“Your credibility is a little lacking in that department, Anders.”

Anders closed his eyes. This was it. _This was it._ “That’s it, then?” Anders’s voice lost all emotion. “That’s it, right? You believe Mike and not me and that’s it?”  
“Why didn’t you tell me?”  
He shook his head, more tired than anything else now. “Babe, I meant to tell you as soon as I got the chance... I really did. Tonight probably, but Mike beat me to it.”  
“But...” Gaia swallowed. “When were going to tell me?”  
“What do you mean...” Anders shook his head in confusion. “Didn’t Mike tell you when he made his observations?”  
Gaia shook her head.  
Looking up at Mike, Anders could see his brother’s stony expression. 

“On my way here,” Anders informed her. His voice sounded strange in his ears. He really needed to get out of here. “It happened less than an hour ago and...”  
“And that still doesn’t change that I saw what I saw.”  
“You saw nothing!” Anders snapped.  
“I saw enough. Enough that I am reminded of why I don’t give you the benefit of doubt anymore. You’re a liar and a cheater, Anders. You’re a selfish brat who refused to grow up and never wastes a single thought about others.”

Anders met his eyes. “Yeah?”  
“You know, Anders, you could once, maybe this one time, man up and admit you fucked up.” Mike shook his head. “Just this once.”  
“And what was I supposed to do? Cry for help at the patrons of the café because my virtue was being assaulted?”  
“Cut the crap!” Mike almost impaled him on his forefinger. “You could at least for Gaia’s sake cut the crap and not try to joke it off!”  
“I’m not...”  
“Why can’t you just admit it?”  
“Because there’s nothing to admit!”

Mike leaned back, a humourless, disdainful smile on his face. “As if it wasn’t bad enough when you pull stunts like that, but that you don’t have the guts to own up for them is disgusting.”  
Anders swallowed hard. “Mike, I...”  
“And the worst bit is that it’s always up to me to pick up the pieces.”  
At a loss for words, Anders just stared at him.  
“Like back, what you did with Val. Like back, when I came back after dad left and there wasn’t a single dollar in the house and you had two new Donald Duck comics under your bed.”

“Not that again?” Anders took a step back. “Are you serious?”  
“At least I can be serious about something! You can’t even be serious about other people’s feelings!”  
“So you’re comparing Gaia to a 1984 issue of Donald Duck?”  
“Well I’m sure you didn’t have to steal money to get Gaia into your bed!”  
“I didn’t steal the fucking money, for fuck’s sake Mike, how many times...” He broke off with a groan. “I told you...”  
“Yes, I remember what you told me. That you worked for the money. I didn’t buy it back then, and I still don’t buy it. You walked people’s dogs and washed their cars? I never saw you do that and I never heard anyone mention it.”

Anders, usually eloquent and never at a loss for words, was by now struggling to keep up, and Mike had transformed into a terrier and refused to let go. Having talked himself into a self-righteous anger, he came at Anders with a vengeance.

“And here you are, still lying about it! Don’t you think by now you could just admit this? At least that one little thing?  
Anders shook his head. “There’s nothing...”  
“And how on earth do you think Gaia should be able to believe you when you can’t even own up to that?”  
“I didn’t steal the money.” Anders shook his head. “Why do you keep bringing shit up that’s twenty years ago, Mike?”  
“Because someone has to remember your true nature, Anders. So that not everyone who has to put up with you will find themselves at the raw end of every deal.”

“I’m so done with your shit,” Anders muttered and spun around on his heel.

“Pathetic little coward!” Mike called after him before he had reached the door. “Good job in showing Gaia how you really are!”

Anders froze. Slowly turning around with his shoulders slightly hunched he looked, for a second, like a dog expecting to be beaten, then he straightened up and met Mike’s eyes. “Do you even know what you’re talking about?”  
“I know I’m talking about someone who stole money to buy himself treats.”  
“I didn’t steal it.”  
“You sure as fuck didn’t wash any cars for it, tough.”

Their eyes were now locked; Mike’s facial expression full of contempt and Anders’s utterly empty.

“Okay. Fine.” Anders didn’t break eye contact. “No, I didn’t wash cars. I didn’t walk dogs. I just went to school and tried to keep my shit together after Dad had shot through, and mum was zoned out more than half of the time. She kept feeding Ty more sweets than food and the school had sent home a letter complaining about the contents of his lunchboxes. He shouldn’t have just PBJs all the time. I learned to make sandwiches and how to change nappies because baby Axl’s arse was so sore he kept crying for hours, because as opposed to some people I cared about my brothers back then.”

Before Mike could even open his mouth, and it was clear that he was thinking about a few choice things to say, Anders went on.

“And if you’d stayed, things would never have gotten as bad as they were when you came back. Mum couldn’t keep her shit together, and I was only twelve. I know I did a piss-poor job of keeping things on the level until you came back. I was twelve fucking years old, Mikkel. And I didn’t fuck off like you did even though you knew Dad would only listen to you and mum was about as useful as a white crayon.”

Mike slowly crossed his arms.

“No, I didn’t wash any cars for that money. I was looking at the window of the bakery when kind Mr Cameron asked me if I wanted some cake. He bought it under the condition I come home with him and keep him company because he was an old man, alone and without family. I maybe was only twelve, but I wasn’t stupid.” He took a step closer to Mike, lowering his voice. “I can’t stand the sight or smell of apple pie anymore but I still thought I was worth more than a fucking piece of pie and I asked him for money. He gave me a hundred bucks so I would keep my mouth shut. And that was when I bought a bag of candy and two Donald Duck comics as well as some groceries on my way home because I wanted some of that money for myself. I just wanted something back after having sold my ass to an old pervert!”

Anders exhaled with a sudden smile and took a step back. “So,” he said brightly after a flick of his head. “I hope that story was entertaining but I have to inform the audience that the show is over! No more _Anders Pulls Some Crap Out Of His Ass!_ After all, we all know when Anders is lying, right? His lips are moving.”

He walked towards the door and turned around again, his facial expression betraying nothing but a faint hint of cocky amusement. “Go on,” he said. “Story time’s over, go back to your drinks.”

Mike dropped his head back and rolled his eyes as the door closed behind him, but as he headed back behind the bar, Ty suddenly sat up.

“I never heard of that Mr Cameron before.”  
Rolling his eyes again, Mike opened himself a beer. “That’s because he doesn’t exist, Ty.”  
“He does,” Olaf cut in, a thoughtful expression on his face. “Or rather, he did.”

All eyes turned towards him.

“I was in town for Axl’s sixth birthday, that’s probably why I remember that. It was all over the papers. John Cameron, elderly gentleman living on Elmwood Street, committed suicide in his holding cell.”  
“What was he in a holding cell for?” Ty asked after a moment. He looked as if he didn’t want to know the answer.  
Olaf took a sip of his beer. “He was charged with paedophilia. Of course, he never admitted anything. But I think it’s a little shady that he didn’t survive long enough to have a proper trial.”  
“Come on, Olaf.” Mike put his bottle down. “Anders can read a paper, can’t he? He knows how to own an audience.”

“He sure does,” Olaf gave back slowly. “Just answer me that one question, Mike. If the money came into Elizabeth’s bank account that you later took over, and she usually did the shopping, even if that didn’t seem to be the case very often, why would there be cash in the house?”  
“What do you mean with that?”  
“I mean, that if there was no cash your mother had deposited in her house, where would Anders have stolen the money from?”  
“From her purse, you dipshit?”  
“And she did keep that lying around? The last thing I heard was that she kept it hidden away to prevent Johan from raiding it to buy booze.”  
“Johan wasn’t around anymore.”

“Every reason then to break old habits and leave money lying around unattended. You’d think she’d learn the lesson after Anders stole for the first time and keep it hidden again.”  
“And who says he stole more than once?”  
“Who says he stole at all?” Olaf looked at him. “Oh, right. You did.”  
“And he said he didn’t.”  
“So. What if it had been true?”  
Mike snorted.  
“What if Anders wasn’t lying? And what if you never believed anything he said? What if Anders gave up on telling the truth because no one believed him anyway?”  
“Oh come on, Olaf! You’re ridiculous.”  
“Maybe I am, maybe I’m not.” Olaf leaned back. “But maybe there’s a reason for Anders being the prickly dickhead he is. You fucked off, and of course there’d be pieces to pick up when you came back. It wasn’t Anders’s fault that your mother decided she didn’t want to take care of her own kids anymore.”

It was obvious that Mike couldn’t think of a reply.

“Anders gave me a bag of candy when mum forgot my birthday,” Ty suddenly said in a very small voice. “She cried and told me she was so sorry and she told me she’d go to town and go get some money from the bank to buy me a gift. And Anders gave me a bag of candy.” He slowly got up. “I think I have to puke,” he whispered before heading for the toilets, ignoring the worried, dismayed look Dawn was giving him.

Axl had turned to stone, and it was that moment that Gaia tore herself away from him and ran out of the door.

* * *

Gaia had run the whole way to Ander’s flat but had never seen him, so he had most likely been there by car and would be there when she got there. She reached the house completely out of breath and let herself in with trembling hands. Her breathing refused to calm down, and she was sure it wasn’t only from running.

She heard him rummaging in the wardrobe in the bedroom as she softly closed the door behind her. “Anders?”  
Anders spun around; a small frown appeared on his face but was instantly replaced by a neutral, slightly questioning expression. “What are you doing here?”  
“Anders...” She swallowed hard. “Anders, I’m so sorry...”  
“Yeah.” He kept on busying himself with items of wardrobe without looking at her. “I’m sorry too. We had a good thing going on, but...” He looked at her over his shoulder. “Both of us knew it wouldn’t last.”  
“But...” Gaia nervously kneaded her hands. “But... Anders... please, I’m so sorry...”

Anders changed his shirt, momentarily ignoring both her presence and her words.

“You knew,” he said as he was buttoning the shirt. “You knew I came with a baggage, and despite all your fine words, you did not give me the benefit of doubt.” Then he looked up. “You believed what Mike said.”  
“But only until I realised it had happened only today. He was taking me in!”  
“But you believed him. Not even a scrap of doubt.” He turned around again, took a suit out and threw it onto the bed. “You didn’t even greet me. Not even some sort of: Anders, Mike told me something terrible, please, is that true?” He finally met her eyes. “Nothing.”  
“I’m sorry,” Gaia replied in a whisper. She didn’t bother trying to hold back her tears. “He was so convincing, I was sure he had actually seen it happening.”  
Anders chuckled. “And they call me a con-man.”

Gaia watched him put on the suit and tie, then followed him to the bathroom, stopping at the doorframe to watch him as he put on his tie and adjusted the knot and his collar afterwards.

“What...” Anders brushed past her as he left the bathroom. “Anders... what are we going to do now?”  
“We?” He shrugged his jacket into place. “I don’t know what you are doing now, but I need a change of scenery.” With that, he headed for the door.  
Gaia watched him in silence, the knot in her chest tightening more and more.  
Anders turned around again. “I think you’d better not wait around. Would be a little awkward if I don’t come home alone.”  
She stared at him with parted lips.  
“Oh, and while you’re at it you might want to get your stuff as well.”

Standing stock still, unable to move or speak, Gaia watched as he left. Before he had closed the door completely, however he stuck his head back in. “And be a dear and leave the spare key on the kitchen counter.” He tossed something at her that Gaia was unable to catch, and then he was gone.

It took Gaia a while to get going again, her brain refusing to catch up with events. Anders had basically thrown her out of his flat and, subsequently, out of his life. She went down into a crouch and picked up her spare key. Slipping that into her pocket she stared at the wall for a few moments. 

Maybe there was a chance to fix this, but it wouldn’t be anytime soon.

With a heavy heart and her vision clouding with tears, Gaia began to gather her things; items that somehow more or less moved in here: a few spare panties, T-shirts and socks, a tooth brush, a pack of pads, deodorant and shampoo. It fit into a single shopping bag, a bag she took from the kitchen drawer; a bag she had put there herself after coming here with a few groceries the other day to make dinner. 

With a last glance around, Gaia slowly took the spare key out of her pocket, and slowly and hesitantly, placed it onto the counter. For now, it was the only thing she could do. She would wait, maybe a week or two, and would try again to talk to him. It was when the door fell shut behind her, irrevocably so as the key was now inside, that the tears came again, and with a vengeance. 

Only barely stifling her sobs she stepped outside to find Axl stand there beside his car. He looked at her, and at the bag.

“He dumped you.”  
Gaia shrugged and wiped a hand across her eyes. “Not that I blame him after what happened.”  
Axl sighed. “I feel like shit. Do you think I should talk to him?”  
She shook her head. “Now is not a good time. He’s not home anymore, anyway.”  
“Where did he go?”  
“Clubbing, as far as I know.” Gaia swallowed her tears. “Please, can you give me a lift home?”  
“Sure.” Axl pressed his lips together. “Sure.”

* * *

Anders came home late at night, only slightly drunk and alone. Ignoring everything else, including the missed calls on his phone (two from Ty and one from Olaf, fuck them, he’d had enough reprobation for one day) he went into the bedroom to change before he cast a look into the bathroom and at the empty space where her stuff had been. Then he went towards the kitchen and stared at the key that was lying there.

For a moment, he just stood there, and when he finally was able to tear his eyes away, he stomped down on all those unfamiliar, uncomfortable feelings and stormed into the bedroom again. He tore the sheets off the bed to change them, he attacked any surface in the bathroom with bathroom cleaner, wiped down the kitchen and hoovered the whole flat at least five times, until he was sure there wasn’t a single hair left of her and he didn’t sat down again before the sheets had come out of the dryer and were folded away again.

He had completely erased every single trace of her out of his flat and his life.

Clutching a pillow to his chest he stared ahead at nothing, and when he finally forced himself to go to bed, he took one of his pills before he even lay down because he knew he would never be able to sleep otherwise.

* * *

Dawn had more or less expected Anders to call in sick the next day, but only shortly after she had let herself in and even before her PC had booted, Anders swept through the door, threw a curt Good Morning at her in passing and immediately after sitting down, hid himself behind his screen and a stack of papers. 

“Anders...” She began, hesitantly and worriedly, as she put a cup of coffee down in front of him. “I just...”  
“If it isn’t work related you can keep it to yourself.”  
“But I just...”  
“Shut up and do your job.”

Dawn pressed her lips together and tilted her head, then turned around again to head for her own desk. It was now that she realised how much Anders had changed during the last two months, it had happened so gradually she hadn’t even been aware of it. But now we was back to being snotty and cocky, sometimes polite in his requests, but most times not. Yet as opposed to back then, he absolutely buried himself in his work. Most times, he was already in the office when Dawn arrived, and he usually was still working when she left. 

Dawn hoped that he would calm down again but for the rest of the week, and the next as well, nothing changed. She realised now why he had to do the Bragi thing on her ever so often back then, he was driving her mad.

But then she would think back to last Monday, and she bit her tongue and pretended nothing had happened.


	18. A fortune for the undertow

* * *

Anders had missed clubbing and the nightlife. Music in a quiet lounge, dancers on a dimly lit stage, in various states of dress or undress. Drinks and sniffing snow in lines drawn on giggling chicks’ tits. The thrill of hunting, flirting and making out in corners, or his car, or in a dark corner on the way to his flat. Sex with no strings attached, with women he couldn’t remember the name of when they left him the next morning. 

He took a bar girl home one night. She was exceptionally good at blow jobs.

He took a dancer home another, and she did a private lap dance session just for him in his flat.

Tonight, he had won Claire. A woman he had spotted in the Blue Lagoon, surrounded by four other guys who had bought her drinks, but Anders had been the lucky winner and had taken her home with him. Back in his flat, he had offered her a drink and now he was digging through his fridge because he was sure he had a lime in there somewhere.

It was then that he spotted them, two small plastic bottles at the very back of the fridge. A bottle of caramel sauce and beside it, an almost empty bottle of chocolate sauce. He grabbed them and stared at them with a feeling he couldn’t name.

“You all right, tiger?”  
A hand was running down his back.  
“Sure!” He threw the bottles into the bin without looking at them again. “It’s amazing what you find in your fridge when you dig deep enough.” Another venture finally produced the lime and he forced himself to forget about the two bottles. 

It was after a lazy Sunday morning when she left again, and after she had gone, Anders headed back to bed. Last night had been exciting and exhausting and sleep had been low priority. 

_He lifted his head when Gaia entered the bedroom, smiling at him and wearing a beautiful set of translucent lace, a garter belt and stockings. Smiling sweetly, she crawled into the bed beside him. Hands roamed his chest, and then he felt hot breath on his cock._

He was torn out of sleep by his own moan. Alone, and with a vicious boner. “Fuck.” A wet dream as if he was nothing more than a pathetic teenager.

He headed for the shower, let the water run down his body as hot as he could stand it, but it didn’t really help. He stroked himself off, trying to think of any other woman but her. It didn’t work.   
He came hard and with a grunt that was much more frustrated than he was ready to admit, and after he had left the shower he sat on his empty bed for god knows how long until he caved in, took a pill, and let sleep claim him.

* * *

Dawn had rarely been so relieved to leave the office behind than on that particular Monday. The last week had been exhausting and the new one had started worse. She took a deep breath before she crossed the street, but when she lifted her head, she noticed Axl standing at the corner. Sheila was also there, and both looked equally worried.

“How’s Anders?” Axl asked her when she had reached the two.   
“Don’t ask,” Dawn gave back with a roll of her eyes and a shake of her head. “His mood couldn’t be any fouler.”  
After a small pause, Axl pulled his hands free from his pockets. “Would it be okay if we came home with you? We’d like to talk.”  
Dawn didn’t have to ask why. “Sure. Come along.”

Ty was already home when they arrived at their place, and he greeted Axl and Sheila with surprise. 

“You going to stay for dinner?”  
Axl shrugged. “Don’t worry about that, Ty.”  
“Want a drink?”  
“Sure.”

Equipped with beer, and in Dawn’s case a cup of tea, the four of them settled down at the table. 

“So,” Sheila said. “I come home and Axl is completely out of it, and he says it’s about Anders and that Gaia and Anders had an absolutely vile breakup and that it’s Mike’s fault. And that Anders doesn’t answer phone calls anymore, but I can’t say he made much sense. What the fuck happened?”  
“When did you come back?” Dawn asked. “Today?”  
Sheila nodded. “And I was in a really good mood because I turned out to be the right donor and everything worked just fine and...” She took a deep breath. “And Axl tells me Mike is the reason Anders and Gaia are not together anymore and whatnot and about Anders telling terrible things about himself that he couldn’t repeat.”

She looked questioningly around, but Axl avoided her eyes and picked at the label of his bottle.

“Mike...” Ty shook his head, and suddenly, his eyes filled with tears. “He said he’d seen Anders with another woman and Gaia was... she started crying and then Anders came, and...”  
Dawn took his hand. “Mike said he’d seen Anders with another woman, and that they’d kissed right on the pavement and vanished into a side alley for a quickie. But Anders said he’d only talked to her, she was supposedly a lover of his from some time ago, and he wanted none of that anymore.”  
“But no one believed him,” Ty said and wiped his eyes. “I didn’t believe him and no one else did...”

Sheila looked back and forth between the three, her eyes narrowing.

“And Then Mike started to give him shit about... about owning up to stunts he pulled,” Axl fell in. “And about the thing with Val, and I have no idea what that means, and...”

Again, Sheila looked at the others. Dawn looked at the table top, Ty had his face hidden behind his hands and Axl had his eyes shut. 

“Back when... back when Val and Mike were about to get married.” Ty dropped his hands. “Shortly after Rob’s accident. Anders said their marriage was a bad idea and that they only did it because of a bad conscience. But... Later Mike told me that it had been shortly after Anders’s twenty-first birthday and he thought it a good idea to use Bragi to get Val into his bed to show Mike that the marriage was a bad idea.”  
“That...” Axl said as he dropped a few shreds of paper. “Was the shittiest idea ever.”  
“And Mike never forgave him for that, and I... I can’t really blame him, but at one point...” Ty broke off and shook his head.

Sheila took a sip of beer. “The fuck happened then?”

Haltingly and hesitantly, Ty and Axl alternated in recounting the details of that evening. And the more they said, the darker her face became. 

“The little shit,” she finally said. “And you’re not really better. How could you let him get away with all that?”  
“I guess...” Dawn swallowed. “I guess we were all too... shocked.”  
“No, I mean why could Mike get away with telling everyone he’d seen Anders fuck when he clearly hadn’t?”  
“He was so convincing!” Ty slammed his hands onto the table. “I don’t know how he did it!”  
“Fuck you all! Did he really sit there in his car for more than ten minutes? How long has he really watched them to be so sure they’d had a fuck? Why did no one of you realise that?”  
“I don’t know,” Dawn said, voice trembling. “I simply don’t know. He saw enough to be completely convinced, and he managed to convince us all, too.”

Sheila rolled her eyes and gritted her teeth. “And then Mike did badger him long enough that Anders owned up to what? Having sold his ass as a twelve year old to pay for groceries? What kind of a fucked up family are you?”

Ty finally couldn’t hold it any more; he dropped his head onto his crossed forearms and went to pieces. Dawn moved closer and closed both arms around him.

“How many times did he do that?” Ty sobbed into his arms. “How many times? He said he couldn’t stand the small of apple pie... god, what... what else...” He suddenly jerked upright again. “He said he doesn’t like strawberries either...” He shook his head. “And what...”  
Dawn gently ran a hand up and down his back. “It’s not your fault, Ty.”  
“But... but why?” Ty wiped a hand across his face. “He bought groceries for my school sandwiches... but why? He should’ve left it at the PBJs and maybe someone would have... someone might have come home and...”  
“And your mother would have made the perfect impression of not needing help,” Sheila cut in. “I hate to say that, but social services rarely work the way they should.”  
Shaking his head, Ty rubbed his eyes. “Shit. Shit! I can’t handle this! That... It’s not real! This is a nightmare! No... He’s my brother! How can he just... just say this like it’s no big deal? He sold his ass as a twelve... he was a kid! He was supposed to play football or ride a bike and not make sandwiches and change nappies!”

“There’s nothing anyone can do about that now, and going to pieces every time you think about it isn’t going to help,” Sheila said gently. “And if Anders says he doesn’t need help, well... no one can force him. Although it explains a lot about him and his issues.”  
“And what’s that?” Axl asked in a small voice.   
“Long story. I don’t want to give you a lecture in psychology, but... A rough outline is that his behaviour about sex does indicate at him wanting something back that has been taken from him, and the way he treats everyone else, what we call “acting like a dick”, is a shielding mechanism. He doesn’t want to care about others because deep down he still feels that no one cares about him. Because back then, it was like that for him.”

Ty couldn’t stop crying, and leaned against Dawn for support. 

“And that explains why Gaia looked like she did.” Sheila leaned back in her chair, and when she noticed Ty and Dawn giving her questioning looks she added: “I’ve seen Gaia at work and she looks like shit.”  
“Well, Anders isn’t in the best of moods, either,” Dawn added with a sigh.

“We gotta do something, Ty.” Axl picked at the label of his bottle. “Anything.”  
“I know where you’re coming from, bro...” Ty sat up again and wiped his eyes, trying to pull himself together. “But we can’t fix their relationship for them even if we had our part in... in...” He heaved a heavy sigh. “He doesn’t answer my calls. I went to see him at work and he more or less threw me out of his office telling me he was busy. And then I went to his place once and he had another woman there.” He swallowed. “I don’t know what else to do. I texted him, but I’m not sure he actually read those.”  
“I tried that too.” Axl still picked his bottle label apart. “No calls, no texts. And it’s all our fault.”

“It’s Mike’s fault for giving you all shit like that,” Sheila said after a moment. “I’d never thought he’d be such a pro at lying.”  
“That’s because he wasn’t lying,” Ty replied. “He was only telling us what he’d seen.”  
“What he wanted to see.” Sheila pressed her lips together. “Fuck! I really wish I’d been there!”

“Really, it’s like... like he’s forced a crowbar between the two!” Ty slammed his bottle down. “I feel like shit for... for having listened to all that without doing something! And it was, like...” His tears were back. “Anders against everyone else, I don’t even want to imagine how he must have felt like!”  
“But what can we actually do?” Dawn stared into her cup.

“I don’t know.” Ty shook his head with a sigh and wiped his face again. “I haven’t got a clue.”  
“We gotta... we just have to get them to talk to each other. Once He and Gaia have made up then Anders...” Axl looked at each of them in turn. “Maybe you could invite them over, without letting them know the other is coming?”  
“I don’t think that will work,” Sheila said thoughtfully. “They both would feel more cornered and betrayed than anything else. I don’t know what to do, but I don’t think we could, or even should, force them to talk to each other. It wouldn’t end well.”

“But what can we do?” Axl stared unhappily at his girlfriend. “We gotta do something!”  
“You can’t force them to talk, and you can’t force Anders to get back in touch. I could imagine he plays dead because he expects you to give him more shit than he already got.” Sheila shook her head. “There isn’t much we can do. That Anders has thrown her out of his life like that is most likely the only coping mechanism he’s got. He wasn’t really in a relationship before, was he?”  
Dawn shook her head.  
“Not that I know of,” Ty said and added: “He was never interested in any of the chicks he took home, after a few nights, at least.”

“Then the only way for him to deal with being hurt is to retreat. To pretend nothing ever happened so he doesn’t need to deal with any of it, plus, he’s put his behavioural patterns back into place that serve as his protection, because it prevents anyone getting close to him again.”  
“Keep forgetting you’re a shrink,” Ty said with a half-hearted grin.  
“Fat load of good that does us now,” she gave back. “Just... I think the only thing we can do now is not to give up on them, especially Anders. It will take some time until he feels safe again and until then, we duck the blows and wait.”

“I tried to give Mike a piece of my mind,” Ty said sourly. “He cut me off and didn’t listen and in the end, I couldn’t be bothered anymore.”  
“Fuck,” Axl said through gritted teeth. “I just want to strangle Mike with his own dick right now.”

* * *

After the initial shock had worn off, Gaia had tried to get on with her life as best as she could, telling herself she had been expecting something like this from the beginning.  
But if she was being honest with herself, she had pushed those thoughts aside; more efficiently so the longer they had been together. Anders most likely wasn’t a man for a happily ever after, but she had definitely ended things before their time. 

She still nursed a feeble hope that she might be able to fix this somehow, but when none of the attempted calls or texts she had sent after waiting for two weeks had been returned, her hopes withered pretty quickly.   
She knew she had to move on.

Axl and Sheila had been at the coffee shop a few times, and since avoiding them would only make her feelings of loneliness worse, she called them and they spent a Friday night out in the pub. 

“You all right?” Axl asked her when she sat down at their table.  
“Not really.” She put down her glass before her. “But it’s getting better.”  
Sheila took a sip of her drink and watched her with raised eyebrows.  
“Don’t go shrink on me,” Gaia said a little sharper than she maybe should have. “I know my life isn’t perfect right now, but shit happens and life goes on.”  
“But...” Axl ran a hand through his hair. “You really think there’s no chance to fix this?”  
“Fix what?” She leaned forward. “And how? Show up at his office in lacy underwear? Because he sure as fuck can’t be bothered with me right now otherwise.”

Axl lowered his eyes again. “Sorry,” he muttered. “It just seems so...”  
“Look.” Gaia put a hand on his. “I don’t need any good advice about how to fix things that can’t be fixed. I need friends.”  
At that, he looked up again with a little, somewhat shy smile. “Sure. I can do that.”

After that night, Anders, and everything having to do with him and Mike and that fucking Monday evening, was a topic they all studiously steered clear of.

* * *

Anders had deliberately avoided keeping track of time but somehow, he knew it had been exactly four weeks when he came into his office one Monday morning after a both equally exhausting and unsatisfying weekend. A stack of papers was waiting for him on his desk, and as he worked through various plans and proposals he was able to keep his mind where it belonged.

Until he reached the bottom of the stack.

He picked up a magazine; one of those awful women’s things that give you recipes for sinfully good cakes and tips for dieting all on the same pages. A page marker was sticking out of the upper edge and he opened it.

To look at a whole page advert of _Earth’s Bounty_ , organic breakfast cereals promoted with a picture of beautiful nature and a loving earth goddess.

He closed the magazine again and stared at the cover. A nameless starlet grinned moronically back at him.

Then he told himself to man up and cut the crap, opened the magazine again and looked at the advert with his professional eyes. The design had met with the approval of the company and now that it was in print, their sales figures should, hopefully, provide them with a proper return on investment. He would get these figures within the next four months as a feedback to see if the adverts had appealed to their target group. 

He tried to keep his thoughts focussed on facts and figures. But in the end, he could only stare at the picture and at the smile on the goddess’s face... in the knowledge that it had been him who had put it there.

* * *

Anders was pacing his flat like a caged animal that evening. He had picked up his phone and dropped it back onto the table, a dozen times at least. 

Three hours after he had come home he finally sat down on the sofa, phone clutched between his fingers, and yet it took him another half hour to open his contact list.  
Only to remember now that he had deleted her number and blacklisted it as well.

“Shit.” He dropped the phone beside him and ran both hands through his hair. “Fucking, pathetic moron.”

And after another twenty minutes, he forced himself to bite the bullet and texted Axl, asking him for Gaia’s number.  
Axl, in turn, displayed an unexpected amount of tact and just supplied him with said number, no questions asked.

That innocent combination of digits now turned his phone into something that seemed to burn a hole into his pocket, but he still couldn’t scrape the guts together to call her. It took him until Saturday morning. 

And then, when he had finally dialled her number, her phone went straight to voicemail.

“Fuck!” He dropped his phone and, for a second, had to resist the urge to throw it against the wall. 

Anders stared at his watch. It was ten thirty am. 

He tried again an hour later. And he still refused to talk to her voicemail. Instead, he occupied himself with cleaning, re-arranging shit in his cupboards and talking to his fish. The one living being in his life who didn’t judge him and never gave any meaningless, useless advice. 

At two pm, he had changed into a smart suit and was on his way out. 

Gaia wasn’t home. And neither was she at work. His phone remained stubbornly silent and he didn’t want to go home alone. He headed for the only place he could think of.

At four pm, he had warmed up enough to swap location for the more sophisticated clubs, places where he could pick up the right beverages to relax. He needed something stronger than alcohol right now.

At ten pm he was talking to an exceptionally lovely lady and her friend and at one am, he was on his way home with her.

It wasn’t before three am, after two rounds of hard, fast and dirty sex, that he actually learned her name. Not that it made any difference to him if her name was Katy Gregg-Manson or Brunhilda von Klotzenstein.

Anders woke up groggily and with a vicious hangover, to look into a beautiful if sleepy face beside him.

“Morning, tiger.” Her voice, still rough from sleep, was strangely affectionate for a one-night stand.

But looking at her, and thinking back to last night, he rarely had detested himself this much.

“Sorry, honey, but I need to be off,” he said as he forced himself to get up and leave the bed. “I have to meet a client for a photo shoot in like...” He glanced at his watch. “An hour.”  
She turned onto her belly. “Need a wake-up blowjob?”  
“I hate to say no to that, honey.” He got up and turned his back to her. “But I really need to get going. Should I call you a taxi?”  
“Not necessary.” She stretched and arched her back like a cat. “I just borrow your shower and let myself out.”  
“Do that.” He winked at her. “I text you.”  
“Sure.”

He didn’t bother with anything more than two paracetamol and a glass of orange juice before he was out of the door. He needed air. He needed something with which to bash his head in. Or maybe he should go and see Axl, tell him of last night and let him break his neck.

* * *

When he came back two hours later, Katy was still there. She was wearing one of his T-shirts and a pair of his socks, and she smiled at him over her shoulder from the sofa before going back to watching some crap reality show.

“You still here?”  
“Yeah, I really...” She got up. “Your cleaning lady was here. Man, she’s a sweet thing. She brought some cake, to apologize, she said, that she didn’t make it yesterday.”

Anders was just about to say that he didn’t have a cleaning lady when his eyes fell onto the plate in her hands. And the cake. 

She followed his gaze. “Though she makes a wicked chocolate cake. I swear I need to spend the next three days at the gym twenty-four seven but I couldn’t stop.” She delicately licked her fingers. “Seemed a little flustered to find me here. Prudish sort, I guess. Or do you usually nail her when she’s done her job?”

Anders was a con-man, a professional liar, and he called a perfect poker-face his own. He managed to keep his shit together until Katy had finally left before crumpling into a heap on his couch.

Gaia had been here while he had been walking through the empty streets, trying to clear his head. She had been here in the hopes of finding him, had brought some of her cake – God and the devil must have made a contract to create that stuff, he had never forgotten that first taste – and had found Katy wearing clothes that belonged to him.

And obviously, had palmed herself off as cleaning lady to explain what she was doing at his door. He dreaded the thought, but he got up and cast a hasty look into the bathroom, not really surprised to find it sparkling clean. So while Katy had eaten her cake and watched TV, Gaia had cleaned to keep the pretence and left again.

Anders fell onto the bed and stared at the ceiling. With that half-assed attempt at fixing things he had only succeeded in making it worse than ever before, because he had chickened out and gotten wasted instead. This time, he had fucked things up beyond the point of no return.


	19. Until all these shivers subside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * * *
> 
> **Trigger Warning – Attempted suicide via OD**
> 
> * * *

* * *

Anders had no idea how long he had lain there staring at the ceiling – his phone had rung twice and he had simply ignored it and let it go to voicemail – but at one point his bladder demanded attention, and afterwards, a raid of the fridge supplied him with an unopened bottle of vodka.

He flopped down on his couch, opened the bottle and didn’t even bother with a glass. 

Halfway through the bottle he was listening to the voices in his head, voices he often heard but that usually quietened down when he got wasted. This time, however, the opposite was the case. The more he drank, the more insistent they became, and he had almost the feeling his father was standing right behind him, telling him that he was a pathetic little runt who’d never get a woman into his bed unless he paid for her services.

“Shut up.”

Johan didn’t shut up. He never did, but alcohol usually did the job of switching off the part of his brain he was talking to. And he wasn’t alone, either. Anders could see them, before his inner eyes, his brothers and Olaf and Dawn as well, all giving him the same, disdainful looks. 

_Poor, sweet little Gaia,_ Mike said. _The poor woman who had the fucking misfortune to fall for you of all men. We all knew you’re just a pathetic liar and cheater. You weren’t even trying._

“I was, you asshole. But you were only waiting for me to fuck it up so you could rub your hands and tell everyone and their mother you’d known all along.” Anders took another swig of vodka. “I know I fucked up. No need to rub it in.” But of course, he would. Mike wouldn’t give him a minute of peace anymore after that. “Shithead.” 

He got up with an angry sigh and walked over to the table on somewhat unsteady legs to pick up his phone. Of the two voice messages he had, the first was only someone hanging up. The second one, however, was a message from Axl.

_“Hey Anders I just... I don’t get it. Why did you do that? How could you do that to her? I thought you meant to fix it, not to go and... and lure her to your place so she can find another woman there wearing your stuff. Why, Anders? Gaia came here earlier and had a total meltdown and...”_

“I didn’t mean to,” Axl said to his phone, voice low. 

_“Was that really necessary? Really? I’d never thought you could sink so low. Mike was right, after all. You’re just a pathetic little diddler.”_

“I didn’t do it on purpose...”

_“And you know what else? I kept thinking of you as my brother, all the time, especially after that fuck-up in Mike’s bar. I kept thinking of the mug and all that, but honestly... after this, you’re dead to me. That you would hurt Gaia like that just to get your petty revenge... I’d never imagined you could do such a thing.”_

“I didn’t.”

 _“Never talk to me again, you sorry asshole.”_

A click, and the message was over.

Pressing his lips together Anders stared at the phone for a moment longer before he picked it up again. Taking another swig from the bottle he headed for his bedroom, let himself fall down onto the bed and put the bottle on the nightstand before he dialled Gaia’s number. She didn’t answer.

“Fuck.” He doubled over and buried his hands in his hair. “Fucking idiot.” 

He emptied the bottle as fast as he could without throwing up, but his mind didn’t switch off. He kept reliving things over and over, and another venture to the fridge turned out fruitless. He didn’t have any more booze in the house. There was nothing to knock himself out with.

Sleep. He needed sleep. At least then he wouldn’t have to think about all this anymore.

For the first time, he took two pills, something his doctor had specifically prohibited. He didn’t care, he wanted to sleep, and he wanted to sleep _now._

He stretched out on his bed and stared at the ceiling as he waited for the pills to take effect. The booze made his head swim, but once he was asleep, he wouldn’t feel it anymore. Still, Axl’s last words were haunting him.

_Never talk to me again, you sorry asshole._

He was pretty sure that once Ty and Mike learned of what had happened today, they would be in complete unanimity with his little brother. Now, he was a pariah after all, the black sheep of the family, and now, someone they wouldn’t even talk about anymore. Because they had known all along what kind of a man he was. No good, especially no good for a woman like Gaia.  
That, at least, he could finally agree on. He was a useless little shit and she deserved better.

At that moment, he wondered if they would ever know if he just packed his things and left. Maybe buy a one-way ticket to the US. Or Europe. Or Mars. No, they wouldn’t miss him. They might not even realise he was gone. Maybe he should just do it. Tomorrow. Buy a ticket and fuck off. Dawn would most likely hand in her notice as well and that left him alone with his agency and the clubs. He’d been happy enough with that before... 

The vodka had only succeeded in making his stomach churn and the fucking pills still didn’t work. He realised his hands were shaking when he reached for the bottle again; his fingers were somewhat numb as well and he only succeeded in emptying the whole content into his hand instead of a single one. 

In a way, he realised, somewhat of a one-way ticket as well. And the thought of falling asleep without waking up again had a certain appeal, all of a sudden.

Anders didn’t want to die. He was a coward, and he didn’t even deny that. But he didn’t know what scared him more at that moment: Dying or having to go on like this, with everyone around him hating him because he fucked up everything he touched. Staring at the pills, he took the glass of water with his other hand. And before he knew, he had popped them into his mouth, all of them, they were tiny, after all, and had emptied the glass of water as well. 

At that moment, he was suddenly not afraid anymore. Settling back he closed his eyes and waited for sleep. He was doing everyone, including himself, a favour. 

And then his phone rang. When he tried to sit up he realised his muscles didn’t really obey him anymore, and reaching for the phone he was just about able to grab it before he fell gracelessly out of the bed. The screen was blurred, but he thought it was Gaia’s number. He managed to get the call.

 _“Anders?”_  
His tongue was swollen in his mouth. He couldn’t answer. But it was nice to hear her voice again.  
_“Anders? Are you okay?”_  
He’d taken a lethal dose of sleeping pills. Of course he wasn’t okay.  
_“Anders, what’s wrong?”_  
Everything. Why did she even care?  
_“Anders, please talk to me! Are you okay?”_  
The word, slurred and heavy, was out of his mouth before he could stop it. “...no...”  
_“Anders? Anders, talk to me!_ ”

Gaia had called him, had finally called him, but it was too late. Probably for the better. He closed his eyes. He was so tired. Tired. He just wanted to sleep.

 _“Anders?”_ Gaia’s voice rose. _“Anders, what’s wrong? Anders!”_

From far away, he heard someone call his name.

* * *

Axl was watching Gaia with narrowing eyes as he voice became more and more panicked. 

“Anders? Anders, what’s wrong? Anders!”

“Come on, Gaia, he’s just drunk.”  
“No...” Gaia shook her head and stared at her phone with widening eyes. “No, something is wrong. He didn’t sound drunk. Something is really wrong...”  
“Why did you even call him after today? Why do you even care after what he did to you?”  
Gaia looked up, eyes even wider than before. “I don’t’ know. I can’t... Maybe I’m a hopeless doe but... please, Axl, something is wrong with him. I need to check!”  
“What?” Axl leaned forward with an incredulous chuckle. “Are you serious?”

Sheila, who was leaning in the doorframe and watching them, looked back and forth between Axl and Gaia and finally uncrossed her arms.

“Axl, maybe we’d better check, just in case. Maybe he’s just drunk, but I understand her. She’s worried and she can’t stop worrying until she knows.”  
Axl threw his hands into the air in a gesture of defeat. “Okay... okay. But I don’t have a key to his place and if he’s so drunk that he can’t even talk anymore I’m sure he can’t open the door either.”  
“Who has one?”  
“Are you crazy? You want me to call Ty at eleven pm to ask for Anders’s spare key because he’s too drunk to answer his phone?”  
“In that state he wouldn’t be just drunk, Axl. He’d be in danger of alcohol poisoning and that can kill someone.”  
Axl shook his head but with a sigh of resignation, he reached for his phone.  
“Please, Axl, just do it. And if we’re wrong, you can say _Told you so_ as many times as you want.”

* * *

Luckily, Ty had still been awake, even if he had been on his way to bed, but he was as annoyed about the whole endeavour as Axl was when the latter told him what had happened earlier that day. He’d given them the spare key, but not without letting them know that Anders deserved to wake up in a puddle of vomit tomorrow and ignored Sheila’s angry stare.

“I mean, I still feel sorry for all that shit that happened, but none of this was Gaia’s fault and that... that is... he shouldn’t have done that. And if he gets second thoughts and needs to drink himself into a coma... I can’t say he doesn’t deserve what’s coming.”  
“Me too.” Axl shrugged. “But yeah... Letting him croak it because of something like alcohol poisoning is probably a bit hard, even on him.”

Anders’s flat was utterly silent when they entered; Zeb in the lead, who had come along for “moral support”. He looked around as the other three entered behind him and cautiously stuck his head into the bedroom.

“It’s okay!” He called. “He’s here, smells of vodka and has passed out!”  
Sheila and Gaia followed him and as Gaia knelt down beside him, Sheila looked thoughtfully at the single empty bottle on the nightstand.

“Anders?” Gaia took Anders by the shoulders. “Hey, wake up!” But when she tried to turn him onto his back, he was completely limp. Gaia’s voice lowered to a frightened whisper. “Anders?”

“Shit...”

All eyes darted towards Sheila who stood beside the nightstand. 

“Call an ambulance! Now!”  
“What?” Axl stared at her in utter confusion. “What are you...”  
“Call an ambulance!” Sheila yelled and tossed the little white plastic bottle at him. It was empty. “NOW!”  
He had caught the bottle by sheer reflex, but when he realised what it was he was looking at, his face drained of all colour.

Axl was frozen into place as he stared at the bottle, shaking his head in horrified denial, and Gaia stared at Anders’ utterly lifeless face, completely rigid. 

“God... Anders, no...” She felt for his pulse, and when she couldn’t find it, pressed her fingers against his neck where she only felt the faintest of flutters. “Please, no...”

Zeb got his shit together first and now frantically dug into his pocket for his phone. As he stammered out breathless explanations Sheila knelt down next to Gaia and Anders’s still and lifeless form.  
Just at that moment, Gaia chocked out a sob as she tore her hand away from his neck. “No... Anders... No!”  
“Shit,” Sheila said, her voice flat. “Gaia, you’re a nurse. You know the drill.”  
But Gaia was completely petrified.  
“Gaia!” Sheila reached out and slapped her cheek without reservation. “Snap out of it! You know what to do! Do it!”

The slap had the desired effect and Gaia unfroze, and as Sheila positioned herself beside Anders’s ribcage she adjusted his head. 

Standing helplessly in the doorframe, Axl watched their attempt at resuscitation. Sheila was giving cardiac massage while Gaia did the rescue breathing, and all he could do was stagger a step back and shake his head. 

“Zeb!” Sheila looked up and past Axl. “Go downstairs and meet the paramedics! We got no time to lose!”

“He’s not waking up,” Axl whispered with a hoarse, trembling voice.  
“No,” Sheila hissed through gritted teeth. “We just have to keep him going until the paramedics are here.”

Zeb hurried down the stairs and only minutes later, the sound of a siren cut through the heavy silence. 

After the paramedics had taken over, Axl, Zeb, Gaia and Sheila had retreated into the kitchen area and listened helplessly to the sounds of the paramedics and the defibrillator, and all four of them winced every time they heard the cracks of the electric shocks. How long it had taken they had no idea, but finally, _finally_...

“We got him back!”

...Anders was on the gurney and on his way down towards the ambulance.

Sheila pulled Axl and Gaia along as she followed the paramedics and once they had reached Axl’s car, she pushed both him and Gaia onto the backseat while she took the car keys. “Take care of Gaia, Axl,” she said as she hastily adjusted the driver’s seat. “And give Zeb your phone!”  
Zeb took the phone with a mildly confused expression, and Sheila didn’t look at him when she started the engine. “Call Ty,” she ordered. “Tell him what happened. Tell him also to call Mike.”

Following the ambulance while being forced to keep to the speed restrictions, Sheila occasionally looked in the rear view mirror to see Axl and Gaia clinging to each other like frightened children. Zeb had by now found Ty’s number.

 _“Axl? What the fuck? It’s past midnight, you moron!”_  
“Ty? It’s Zeb.”  
Silence. Then: _“Zeb? What the fuck?”_  
“You need to come to the hospital.”  
_“What? What happened to Axl?”_  
“Nothing happened to Axl, Ty... but... Anders...”  
_“Oh god, it really is alcohol poisoning isn’t it? He really had it com...”_  
“No!” Zeb was running one hand frantically trough his hair. “No, he didn’t... he... he’s in the ambulance and we’re on our way to the hospital and... you gotta come, Ty, Anders is...” He swallowed hard. “He’s dying. He took sleeping pills, and now he’s...”

The phone was silent for an agonizingly long moment. 

_“What?”_ Ty’s voice as suddenly hoarse. _“You’re kidding me, right? You’re kidding...”_  
“No. Fuck, no, Ty, I’m not kidding. The paramedics had to jumpstart him and... you gotta call Mike. You gotta come to the hospital...”  
_“Shit.”_ Another long silence. _“I’m on my way.”_

Zeb hung up and stared at his friend’s phone in silence.

* * *

Minutes dragged endlessly as the four of them sat on a bench in the emergency ward. Gaia was completely shell-shocked; she was still and silent, her face unmoving and her eyes staring straight ahead while Axl had both arms around her and had the same empty stare as Gaia. Sheila was sitting on Gaia’s other side and held one of her hands while Zeb was nervously and restlessly pacing around until he could no longer stand it. He vanished for several minutes and when he came back, he was carrying a few paper cups with coffee from a vending machine.

Not long after that, they heard someone running towards the waiting area and Ty almost skidded around the corner in his haste. He spotted them and immediately hurried towards them.

“What is going on? What the fuck happened?”  
Sheila let go of Gaia’s hand and got up. “I don’t know exactly what happened. Gaia rang him up because he had called her earlier, and he... he went into cardiac arrest only minutes after we found him and... I saw the empty bottle of sleeping pills. We called an ambulance and now... now we wait.”

Ty ran both hands through his hair, face white as a sheet. “Fuck...” His voice was hoarse. “This can’t be happening...”  
“Did you call Mike?”  
Ty blinked as if she had slapped him. “Fuck, no... I forgot. Shit...”

At that moment, Dawn rounded the corner, her face pale and worried as well. Sheila instructed her to call Mike and equipped Ty with one of the heavily sugared coffees Zeb had supplied them with.

The waiting was agonizing. There was nothing to do but wait, and all in the knowledge that somewhere, doctors and nurses were fighting for Anders’s life. When Mike finally arrived, dishevelled and more angry than confused, Sheila quickly filled him in on what happened. 

Just as she had finished, a doctor approached them, her face taut. She was visibly exhausted, had obviously had a hard night already, and her voice was a little rough around the edges.

“Are you next of kin to Mr Anders Johnson?” She asked Mike.

Ty stepped beside him, and Axl got up as well. Dawn quickly took his place and slung her arms around Gaia.

“We’re his brothers,” Mike said, his voice wary. “How is he?”  
“Critical,” the doctor replied with a sigh. “I am sorry to inform you that it is questionable if he survives the night. We did what we could, but it looks bad. His chances are slim, at best.”  
“But he has a chance?” Ty cut in, face tight with worry. “Can he pull through?”  
The doctor met his eyes. “I simply don’t know. The way it looks right now, I can’t say yes to that. He might, but it’s unlikely. And you have to be aware...” She paused and closed her eyes for a moment. “You have to be aware of the fact that even if he does... If he is lucky, he will get away with damage to his liver or kidneys, but presently, he’d need a miracle for waking up at all. And there is a very high risk of medium to severe brain damage. I am sorry, but...” She looked around and met everyone’s eyes before looking back at Mike. “Even if he pulls through... even if he should wake up, he will no longer be the man you remember.”

There was really no way to soften that blow. Axl staggered back, fell onto the nearest seat and started to cry. Ty followed him and stood beside him, slinging both arms around his little brother and made no effort to hide his own tears. Mike stared straight ahead with a pale and stony face.

“You can go and see him now,” the doctor said in a low voice. 

The words _while he still lives_ hung unspoken in the air.

The sight that greeted them upon entering the room was heart wrenching and sickening at once. He looked so vulnerable, small and forlorn in the hospital bed, covered in cables and tubes, and the only sound was the beeping and soft hissing of the machines keeping him alive. 

Axl was still crying; Ty was as well, although he did so in utter silence. Dawn made a great effort to stifle her tears as she held on to Gaia who was still looking as if she wasn’t really aware of what was going on around her. 

Mike was staring at Anders with red-rimmed eyes. “God, Anders, why did you do that?”

“This is your fault,” Ty suddenly spat at him, voice thick and hoarse. “This is your fucking fault, Mike!”  
“What?” Mike spun around. “What?”  
“You...” Ty took a step towards him. “It was fine. He was fine. Everything was fine, and he was... until... You! You gave us all that crap about... that woman and... and...” He wiped his face. “This is your fault!”  
“It’s not my fault he took the fucking pills!”  
“No, but if you hadn’t pulled that stunt they’d never broken up and none of this would have happened! This is your fault, Mike! Anders is dying because you were jealous of him and the good thing he had going! You... you shouldn’t even be here!”

Mike swallowed hard and took a step back. 

“What do you mean I shouldn’t be here?” He asked after a moment. “I didn’t mean for this to happen! He’s my brother!”  
“And he’s my brother too and if we had remembered that... if we hadn’t... if we...” Ty broke off with a sob and looked at the lifeless figure in the bed. “God, Anders... I’m so sorry...”

It was at that moment that Gaia finally seemed to wake up from whatever stupor she had been caught in; she freed herself from Dawn’s embrace and slowly, pulled the single chair in the room towards the bed. She closed her eyes as she sat down, and when she opened them again, tears broke free from her eyes and trickled down her cheeks. She cautiously took Anders’s hand, mindful of the cannula, and closed her fingers around his. 

Her voice was hardly audible. “I’m sorry... I’m so sorry...”

Then she lifted his hand and pressed a gentle kiss onto his knuckles.


	20. This life that pass before my eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * * *
> 
> **Mostly flashbacks, mention of past abuse**
> 
> * * *

* * *

_Warm sunshine, the drying grass tickling bare toes. One of those late summer days that never seem to end when you’re a kid. Axl tried to keep up with his two older brothers, but for a four-year-old, they were too fast._  
_“Ty! Andy!”_  
_“Come along!” Ty laughed._  
_“Andy!”_

_Anders cast a look over his shoulder, grinned, and waited for Axl to catch up before sweeping him up onto his shoulders. Axl buried his hands into the ginger hair and squealed in delight._

_Once they had reached the edge of the woods they headed for their little den, made from branches and scrounged boards around the roots of an fallen tree. A bit like an igloo, really, made from the root wad as back wall and roof, with the branches and boards turning the hollow into a snug little hiding place._

_The den was their castle, their pirate cove, their sunken cave of Atlantis. It had broken their hearts when one day, loggers had come and cleared the shrubs and the root wad to fell half the trees in the area. They had never re-built it._

This, playing with his brothers in dens and the forest, was one of his earliest memories. Axl stared at the bed in mute despair.

 _“Axl! My baby brother who has become a man!”_  
_“I come bearing gifts!”_

Axl dropped his head and stared at the floor.

_“You know, that reminds me of the day when you broke my favourite mug and came back later that day with a drawing of said mug to say sorry. I think you were four years old or something. I think I still have it somewhere.”_  
_“No shit?”_  
_“No shit.”_

_“Sroy?”_  
_“You tried to write sorry.”_  
_“And you kept that? Seriously? Why?”_  
_“Why did I keep it? I kept it because... To remind me of the fact that just because we hurt each other sometimes doesn’t mean we don’t love each other anymore.”_

_“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry Anders. I love you, you know?”_  
_“Love you too.”_

__The image of a twenty year old crayon drawing burned itself into his mind. It was impossible to suppress his tears and he didn’t even try._ _

__..._ _

_“I’m too stupid!” The pencil rattled across the table._  
_“Come on, Ty.” Anders sat beside him. “Try again.”_  
_Ty sighed and picked up the pencil again, and Anders closed his fingers around his younger brother’s hand, guiding it to help him get a feeling for the letter._

_“It’s the stupidest letter of the whole fucking alphabet.”_  
_Don’t let mum or dad hear that, Ty.” Together, they had produced a recognisable letter G now. “See? You can do it.”_  
_Tongue sticking out in concentration, Ty tried on his own and this time, the letter at least resembled the ones printed above the line. “Wow! Thanks, Andy!”_

Ty clasped his hands together and leaned forward. 

_“Asshole!”_  
_“You’re a bigger asshole!”_  
_“I’m bigger than you so of course I’m a bigger asshole!”_

___They were about to burst into a fit of giggles, the quarrel forgotten as quickly as it had come, but Johann walked by at that moment and clouted Anders over the head._

_“I will have none of that language in my house!”_  
_Anders hunched his shoulders and rubbed a hand across the back of his head. “Sorry, dad.”_  
_“And you...”_  
_“Ty! Come here!”_  
_“Yes mum?”_  
_His mother took his hand, looking at him in earnest. “Those are very bad words and I do not want you to use them._  
_“And I don’t want you to teach your little brother profanities,” Johann said to Anders and slapped him again. “To your room.”_  
_“Yes, dad.”_

Ty felt a lump in his throat that refused to go away. How many times? How many times had that happened without him noticing? They had always been concocting some childish mischief, acting like boys their age but only now, twenty years later, did it occur to Ty that it had never been him who had been slapped. It had always, always been Anders, and in the few instances where Johann had gone for him his mother had always stepped between them. 

_“Hey, Ty! Ty, the tiger. what’s up? Why you crying?”_  
_“It’s my birthday and mum forgot!” He was sitting in a corner of his room, knees drawn up and arms slung around them, as miserable as he had never been before. “Mum forgot my birthday!”_  
_“Oh shoot.” Anders quickly hurried in and sat down beside him. “She didn’t forget... it just slipped her mind for a moment. She just left to get your gift!”_  
_Sniffing and wiping his nose with the back of his hand, Ty looked up at him. “You sure?”_  
_“Sure. And you know what?”_  
_“What?”_  
_“I didn’t forget it.”_  
_His eyes went wide when Anders produced a bag of candy. “Happy birthday, Tiger Ty.”_

The memory made his stomach turn and he had to suppress the urge to heave. They had shared the candy; that is, Ty had eaten the candy and given a few to Anders every now and then. 

And again, the question of how many times made Ty almost choke with horror. He buried his face in his hands and tried to get rid of the nauseating feeling. But when he closed his eyes, he saw his brother’s face. 

His frown when he had asked him to do the Bragi thing on Dawn.  
The laugh when he had declared that he was going to make his cock the destiny of the next woman he saw and the next woman turned out to be an old crone with a rusty shopping cart.  
His blatant shock when Gaia had knelt in front of him declaring herself as Idun.  
The confused and helpless look as blood was gushing out of his cut artery and he was slowly crumpling into a heap on the pile of rubble.

And he remembered the way he and Olaf had laughed about him as he repeatedly collapsed, weakened from blood loss as he was.

“We laughed at him,” he said in a dead, toneless whisper. “He almost died, and he was so weak that he kept falling over, and all we did was laugh.”  
Olaf took a deep breath and dropped his head. 

Gaia finally looked up at that her eyes slowly widening. “What...?”  
Very slowly, Ty lifted his head. “We thought he deserved it for... for...” He shook his head and gritted his teeth for a moment. “When Axl... when he... after the Bragi Idun thing. And Axl...”  
“Yes, Anders told me about it.” Gaia swallowed and looked at Ty in dismay. “But... how could you do that? How could you laugh at him when he had almost been killed?”  
“That’s what I’m asking myself right now as well,” Ty replied in a cracked voice. 

Gaia slowly lowered her eyes back to Anders’s lifeless face. 

...

_“I can’t, I’m going to fall over! Mikkel!”_  
_“No you’re not! I’m holding you!”_

_The bike wobbled dangerously and Anders squealed. Two scraped knees and one scraped elbow told the story of his futile attempts at making the bike do what he wanted._

_“Come on, try again. Pedal! I’m holding you!”_  
_“I’m falling, Mikkel!”_  
_“No, I said I’m holding on!”_

_The bike moved again in irregular wiggly lines, with Mike running along while holding on to the carrier. “Go! You got it, Andy!” He let go but was still running so Anders wouldn’t realise he wasn’t supported anymore, and suddenly the bike stopped wobbling as his little brother picked up speed._

_“You did it!”_

_Completely baffled Anders looked over his shoulder to see his older brother stand rather far behind him. The surprise made him lose his balance again but then determination won and he got back up, and after a few dangerous wobbles, got the bike going again and raced back to where Mike was standing._

_“Ace!” Mike held out his hand and Anders gave him a high-five._

Mike smiled faintly, but his vision was blurry. 

_Valerie couldn’t stop crying, the handkerchief clutched between her fingers. “I don’t even know why I did it...”_

_And Mike had seen red._

_“Anders!”_  
_Anders turned around, that god-damn cocky smirk vanishing as he noticed his older brother’s furious expression._  
_“Mike, what’s...” He didn’t get to finish that sentence as Mike had him by the yokes and against the wall._  
_“If you ever touch her again I’m going to fucking kill you,” Mike snarled between clenched teeth._  
_“Come on, Mikkel, you know that this is a bad idea and it’s you who should...”_  
_Mike let go of him and fist connected with Anders’ jaw with a c rack. “Shut the fuck up you bloody asshole!”_

_Anders stumbled back and gingerly rubbed his chin. “Jesus, Mike what the fuck...”_  
_“You stay away from her! You stay away from me, as well! Stay out of our lives!”_  
_“Mike, listen...” Anders rubbed his chin again. “Maybe that wasn’t the best of...”_  
_“Shut the fuck up, you asshole...”_  
_“I just...”_  
_“No, I don’t want to listen to another word from you, you bloody piece of shit!”_

_Anders took a step back. “Fine.” He rolled his shoulders. “Fine! Suit yourself! But don’t come running to me when everything goes to shit in your happy suburban paradise!”_  
_“Get the fuck out of my house!”_  
_“I’m on my way!”_

_“And don’t come back!” he yelled at him as he was half-way down the driveway._  
_Anders flipped him a bird without looking back._

Mike pursed his lips and picked at his fingers. Anders had been right all along. And that was the worst part of it. Not that he and Val hadn’t been able to have a baby. Not the thoughts of fate being the reason for it. Not the fact that Val had immediately dumped Mike the moment Rob had woken up. No, the worst part had been that Anders had been right all along.

“I need some air,” he muttered and got up. He left quietly, and when he closed the door he realised that Zeb wasn’t the only one anymore waiting outside. Stacey, Ingrid and Michelle were there too, and all of them looked at Mike with anxious faces.

“It was an accident, right?” Stacey was looking at him with wide eyes. “It was an accident; he would never have done that, would he? He was drunk, wasn’t he?”  
“Yes.” Mike shook his head and met her eyes. “But if he had been that drunk, too drunk to count his pills anymore, he would never have been able to get that childproof bottle open.”  
Stacey shut her mouth and leaned back, dropped her head against the wall and closer her eyes.  
“How is he?” Ingrid then asked.  
Mike took a deep breath and shook his head. “Nothing’s changed.” His voice was cracked. “He’s...” And then he closed his eyes and shook his head. He heard someone get up and then Michelle’s arms closed around him. 

...

As he kept staring at Anders, Ty could not stop thinking about all those little things he could remember, all those times when Johann had disciplined them as boys. Looking back now, the cruel reality of it made his blood curdle. 

Mum had always been between him and Johann. But whenever she had tried to stand up for his older brother, it hadn’t worked. And Ty didn’t know whether it was Johann or Elizabeth who had cared so little for Anders that she had never been able to defend her second son.

Another memory crept towards the edge of his consciousness. His mother grabbing him and his baby brother and running upstairs. Closing and locking the door. And Johann ranting and raging outside, trying to kick in the door. His mother had given him the talisman so he’d be less afraid.

_As he had sat there, pressed against his mother who was trying to keep the baby quiet, he had never been so afraid. And then he realised something else._

_“Mum? Where’s Andy?”_  
_A pause. “He’s not home, sweetheart.”_  
_“But where is he?”_  
_“He’s still in school.”_

_They both winced when Johann, by the sound of it, seemed to kick over the chest of drawers on the landing._

He was so absorbed in the memory that he didn’t realise Mike was back until his brother slid into his chair next to him.

“Was it really an accident?” He asked, not even realising that Mike wasn’t privy to his thoughts.  
“What was?”  
Ty looked up. “When dad... when Johann left. He was drunk and yelling and... he got really violent. Mum hid with me and Axl in the attic.” He swallowed hard. “But Anders wasn’t home.”  
“And that accident...” Mike’s voice was the slightest bit unsteady. “The stairs?”

“Oh come on.” Sheila sat up straight and glared at them. “You’re not seriously telling me you bought one of the _He fell down the stairs_ excuses?”

When the implication of her words struck home, everyone in the room froze.

“No.” Mike leaned back, his face grey. “We told Ty that because we didn’t want him to know. We thought he was too young for that.”  
“Know what?” Sheila crossed her arms.  
“That Johann got so violent that day he pushed him down the stairs,” Mike said in a heavy voice. “Yes, he fell down the stairs. But no, it wasn’t an accident.”  
“But what...” 

Before Sheila could say more, Olaf straightened up. “Elizabeth called me and asked me to come home. I’d been out of the country for years at that point. I left New Zealand shortly after their wedding, and both of them were as happy as you please with a little baby boy whom they adored. I was off to Australia, and then sixteen years later I get a phone call from Elizabeth who begged me to come home.”  
“And then what?” Ty was even paler as usual, and his voice was as brittle as old, dried leaves.  
“I arrived a two days after Johann left,” Olaf went on. “He had smashed furniture, almost kicked in the door to the attic and he had pushed Anders down the stairs when he had come home and tried to defuse the situation.”

“And you did nothing?” Sheila shook her head.  
“I did,” Olaf replied slowly. “I got Anders to the hospital, and I got the police involved. But Johann had shot through good and proper.”  
“And then what?”  
This time, Olaf shrugged. “I called Mike and together, we got the house in some sort of order again. And since Anders was more than disinclined to ever talk about the topic again, we let it rest.”

Sheila sighed angrily. “And nothing else? The thought that he might need help to cope with that never crossed your mind?”  
“And what do you know of how bad things were back then?” Olaf snapped. “I did what I could, and yes, I was aware of the damage, but I couldn’t force him to talk to the counsellor at school or a teacher, or me or his mother! He point blank refused! And you should know better than anyone that you can’t force someone to go into therapy!”

“Stop it,” Dawn cut in sharply. “Don’t do that. Not here. Not now.”

Both Sheila and Olaf fell back into their chairs.

“Johann pushed him?” Ty’s voice sounded small, almost afraid.  
Mike gritted his teeth for a moment, then nodded. “That’s what Anders said. And with just falling down the stairs you usually don’t end up at the opposite wall from the momentum, so...”

“That’s where he got the scar from,” Gaia suddenly whispered into the silence.  
“What scar?” Ty’s voice was hardly recognisable anymore.  
“He has a scar on his hip, above the right buttock.” Gaia swallowed. I asked him about it because of the odd shape. He said he’d fallen down the stairs as a boy, but I didn’t buy it.”  
Ty wiped his face and kept looking at her, his eyes begging her to prove him wrong.

“I had a look at it when he slept,” Gaia went on. “I was thinking... you know. A board, a belt buckle, but it looked so peculiar. But when I asked him again, he got really... angry. He didn’t want to talk about it. But I couldn’t stop thinking about it.” She took a deep breath and her voice was thick with tears. “We were watching a Clint Eastwood movie together when it hit me. I watched brawling cowboys and... the scar looks like kind of an L, but one side is rounded and...” She broke off and breathed a fee times through her nose.

“It was the heel of a boot,” she finally forced out in a high-pitched whisper. “It looks like the imprint of a heel... of a riding boot.”  
“He kicked him down the stairs,” Ty wheezed, sounding as if someone was choking him. “Johann kicked him down the stairs...”  
“And he kicked him hard enough to break the skin,” Sheila said huskily. 

For a seemingly endless moment of unbearable silence, the sound of the life support machine was almost ear-battering.

“I’ll kill him,” Axl suddenly growled. “If I ever see him again I’ll kill him.”  
“It changes nothing, Axl,” Sheila said gently and took his hand.  
“Fuck if I care. I’ll kill him.”  
“You’ll do nothing of the sort. You only end up in jail."  
“I don’t care. I kill him.”  
Sheila let the topic drop with a sigh.

When everyone around her fell silent, Gaia looked at Anders’s pale and lifeless face again.

Every smile, every look, every annoying smirk, every sassy reply, it all came back to her, all culminating in that dull, hopeless stare when he had opened the door to find her there.

Childishly insisting that they found each other repulsive, despite everything, had only made it worse. Not for the first time, Gaia wondered what would have happened if she had just stayed, given in to fate, just stopped struggling and accepted the inevitable.

_The dark voice of a stranger as she was taking the shortcut home. “Hey, lady! Excuse me, I need a few coins, would you happen to have change for a twenty?”_  
_The terror as he suddenly grabbed her and pushed her against the wall. The pain and the panic from being chocked._

_And another voice._

_“Hey! Hey!”_

She shuddered.

_“Thanks for saving my ass.”_

Lowering her head over Anders’s hand and pressing her forehead against it, she swallowed another sob.

_“Hi. Can I come in?”_  
_“Only if you are not assaulting my virtue again.”_

_“Well, thank away. Do I need to undress for that?”_  
_“I thought you wouldn’t touch me with a ten foot pole before and after what happened even less.”_  
_“Well I wouldn’t have to touch you, would I, if you decided to give me an epic blowjob?”_  
_“This is not about sex, Anders.”_  
_“Forgive me but wasn’t it sex that got us into this mess in the first place?”_  
_“Can you please stop talking about sex for a minute!”_  
_“That’s a hard thing you’re asking of me.”_

She felt the smile, but it didn’t make it past her thoughts.

_“Gaia, what were you doing all alone out there at night?”_  
_“I forgot. I forgot, I was late getting out of work, and the bus was gone and... Anders I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t be here but I was so scared...”_  
_“Come on.”_

That particular memory still made her tremble when she dwelled upon it.

 _“Do you like Godzilla?”_  
_“Godzilla?”_  
_“You do know Godzilla, don’t you?”_  
_“A guy in a rubber suit walking through badly built ply wood sets? I have heard of those movies. They’re supposed to be horrible.”_  
_“But you haven’t watched any?”_  
_“Can’t say that I have,”_  
_“You’re shitting me.”_  
_“No, I am not. Well, I’ve seen clips. Those movies are an insult to any sane person.”_  
_“Ah, I see. No one expects these things to be entertaining when you’re sober. You need to be a little tipsy, juust a little bit. That’s when the fun starts.”_  
_“Are you taking me in?”_  
_“Want to try it out?”_  
_“Uh... I don’t want to... you know... intrude...”_  
_“Well you came here with the plan of having a beer with me. All right, come on in, have a beer with me. But I have to inform you that you will have to share me with Godzilla.”_

She couldn’t have imagined that she had any tears left, but she was proven wrong now.

_“When you... When you were talking about... About the pregnancy... thing...”_  
_“What about it?”_  
_“Is it... Did we...?”_  
_“No. No, it happened months after I left New Zealand. There’s not a chance it was yours.”_

And what if it had been his? Would she have gone back earlier? Or would she have left him in the dark about it?  
Probably not. He might not have been interested in a child but he would have had the right to know. And the child would have had the right to know as well so...  
But it hadn’t been his. She really should not be going there as well, not on top of everything else, but the thought elbowed itself past all of her defences. And for a second, it left her breathless with pain. If it had been his... and if it had survived... if...

If it had been, there would be something left of him in this world now.


	21. Watch the road and memorize

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * * *
> 
>   
>  **Trigger Warning: Near death Experience**
> 
> * * *

* * *

Anders wasn’t quite sure when or how he had become aware of himself again but when he did, his only sensation was... floating.

It was neither warm nor cold; it was neither light nor dark. It was just... empty. Until...

Until he was suddenly standing on solid ground.

Around him there was still nothing but somehow, that nothing began to take shape. In front of him was darkness now. 

If this was death, then it wasn’t half as bad as he’d always imagined it. A bit boring, maybe, but he would have to get used to that.  
But even as he wondered what would happen next, something moved in the darkness before him. A person... a woman. Tall and pale and dressed in white flowing robes, with white flowing hair.

An angel?

“You are mine.”

If that was an angel, heaven might not be such a good idea after all. Her voice was terrifying, and her eyes even more so, two orbs of empty white staring right at him, right through him. 

“You died the death of a coward.”

Trapped like a deer in the headlight, he stared at the apparition coming closer, her hands extended like claws. 

But just as she was about to reach for him, another voice came from behind her, a male voice this time. Dark and deep and cold.

“This one is not for you.”

The white female creature lowered her hands and turned her head. Beside her, a male figure appeared. Tall and lean and graceful; dressed in black, his black long hair smoothed back in a long ponytail. He looked slightly less scary, but his eyes were empty too, infinite pools of blackness. 

“Leave him be, Hel. You know he is not yours.”  
“Not yet.”  
“He never will be.”

Her hiss was like cold water on a glowing stone, but she swirled around and vanished into the darkness. 

Unable to face the other terrifying apparition and not sure if this was a _frying pan and fire_ situation, Anders kept looking at the other one’s black, knee-high boots, trying not to think of those scary black eyes and at the same time, puzzling over the feeling that something about him had seemed familiar.

“Anders.”  
Anders forced himself to look up.  
“You need not be afraid. Look.”

Following the gesture, Anders turned around towards the grey fog he had found himself floating around in before. He could see three figures approach, a tall one flanked by a smaller one to the right and an even slightly smaller to the left. And when the fog parted around them, Anders slowly began to doubt his sanity after one look at the tallest man in the middle 

He looked like Axl. Or rather, how Axl might look in, say, thirty years’ time. Long hair and a bushy beard framed a weathered face... a face with only one eye; the other socket was covered in scar tissue. His belt was as thick and broad as Anders’s forearm, the buckle a golden Valknut, and the huge fur collar was so thick it had to be from a bear.

The figure to his left had thick brown hair, tied back into a braid, and a beard as well tough that looked a little rough and unkempt. He was dressed in grey and brown fur and leathers, a bow slung on his back and a quiver on his hip. And yes, of course, he looked like Mike. 

One look over his shoulder confirmed that the one behind him, the dark one with the pale face and black eyes and the dangerous grace of a panther... yes, he had Ty’s face.

And the last one...

Blue eyes looked back at him, and the face that was so oddly familiar and yet not his own was framed by a mane of reddish-blonde hair, kept out of his face by a clasp at the back of his head and two thick braids in front of his ears. The beard was braided from halfway down as well, and even his moustache was braided; and all those braids ended in embossed, silver beads. His clothes were made of deep brown leather and red cloth, and first when he winked at him did Anders realise that he had been staring at him like an idiot.

This...  
...this was not, definitely not, any sort of afterlife. No, he was god knows where and was talking to Norse gods who looked like his brothers... or his brothers who looked like Norse gods...  
Despite the pills or the alcohol or whatever... he was not dead. 

He was tripping _balls_.

“You should not be here.” It was even Axl’s voice, only older and rougher.  
“But some gods just can’t stop meddling.” Mike or Ullr or whatever or whoever that was looked at the one who could only be Bragi.  
“Not every bad thing that happens to them is Bragi’s fault, Ullr.” The dark voice behind him sounded clearly annoyed.  
Bragi smirked and god, did that look as annoying when he did that himself?

“Wait...” Anders looked around at these four familiar faces. “Did you guys take your mortal grudges with you to Asgaard?” Yet he was completely ignored.

“Silence.” Odin glared at them and they fell silent. “Hod speaks the truth and I will hear no more of it.”

Then all four of them looked at Anders again.

“You and your brothers have restored us to our rightful existence,” Odin’s voice boomed in his ears. “And while we may have left your realm, we did not leave you behind. We share a bond beyond time and across the realms of Ymir’s bones.”

Anders pretended he understood, just because he didn’t know what else to do.

“Bragi, he is in your charge.” Odin’s eye rested on Anders again and bored right into his soul. “But never think that the power of the gods may be yours to demand.”

Bragi stepped beside him as the other gods turned around and vanished, slowly, and one after one. After a moment, the god turned towards Anders and sighed while he hooked his thumbs behind his belt.

“Does that sound familiar? If there’s a minor, annoying problem, send Bragi to fix it because he’s good with words. But when something really bad happens? Like, when the giants stole Thor’s hammer? Then they sent Loki along, of all gods, and see where that got us.”  
Anders wasn’t quite sure what, if at all, he should reply to that.  
“Alas, that is the fate of minor gods. Come with me, there is someone I want you to meet before we go.”

Anders was pretty sure who that someone might be, and he was absolutely sure he didn’t want to meet her, but as Bragi took his hand and dragged him along, there was little he could do.

She, like the other gods, appeared from the fog and, small blessings to be thankful for, she had Helen’s face. 

“I guess I need not introduce you,” Bragi said as he let go of Anders’s arm and stepped beside his spouse.

Idun looked at him with warm and very sad eyes. “We owe you an apology.”  
Anders had no idea how to react.  
“It was meant as a gift. We never intended for it to cause you so much grief.”  
“A gift?” Anders was more confused than ever. “What gift?”

“Love. We know, and knew it even back then, how much harm we have caused you. But we did it not wilfully. The bond between god and goddess is stronger than even either of us. We had been parted for centuries. We could not be without the other any longer.  
Bragi looked uncomfortably at his feet before meeting Anders’s eyes again. “We wanted to make amends. We went to the roots of the Ygdrasil and begged the Norns to change their weaving so love could come your way.”  
“Sorry... the who?”  
“Urd, Verdani and Skuld.” Idun said. “They weave the very fabric of reality. Every soul, mortal or otherwise, is a thread in their eternal pattern.”

Anders couldn’t really say that this explanation left him any wiser.

“So we begged them to weave love into your threads, but...” Bragi rubbed the back of his neck. “We did not expect that your threads ended up... woven together.” He cleared his throat. “That had not been our intention.”  
“Well...” Anders could only shrug. “I guess there’s nothing to be done about it now.”  
“Indeed there is not.” Idun clasped her hands before her. “The more it grieves us that what was meant as a gift caused you so much pain.”

Anders shook his head, completely at a loss. Made uncomfortable by the talk of love he changed the subject. “So, what happens next?” He finally asked. “I’m dead, ain’t I?”  
“No.” Bragi’s smile was back. “Not yet, in any case.”  
“And what’s that... supposed to mean?”  
“That you will eventually die, but your time has not yet come. But you have to get back soon or you will not make it anymore.”  
“And how do I do that?”  
“I will take you as far as I can,” Bragi replied. “Across the Bifrost. What happens then I do not know, though I suppose Odin does.”

“Here.”  
“Anders looked at Idun again who was holding out an apple to him.  
“Take this. The earthbound part of you...”  
“She means your body.”  
Idun frowned at her spouse. “It has been damaged. This will provide healing. I wish you luck.”

Anders gingerly took the apple and Idun took another step towards him. Before he could react, she had pressed a kiss onto his forehead. “Go with our blessing, child of Midgard. Just remember that you are loved.”

Anders bowed his head and Idun graced him with a warm and motherly smile. Then Bragi took his hand again and Anders followed the tug on his arm, Idun’s words still spinning around in his head, leaving him feeling more confused and uncomfortable than ever.

The strange fog around them was slowly changing as they walked; it was, in fact, shifting colours. At first it was a reddish hue, then orange, then yellow. As it turned from yellow to green Anders realised what this had to be. Blue gave way to violet, and once they had left the changing colours behind, they found themselves surrounded by endless, almost blinding whiteness.

“This is where we part,” Bragi told him. “You have to find your way back from here.”  
“And where would I have to go?”  
“Just go.” Bragi pointed straight ahead. “I cannot tell you more.”  
Anders nodded, but as he was about to turn away, Bragi put a hand on his shoulder.

“When Odin told you the powers of the gods are not yours to demand... do you understand what he meant?”  
He could only shake his head.  
“It means,” Bragi said, all mirth gone form his voice and eyes. “That if you should find yourself in dire need of our aid, of our powers that once were yours, you may ask. We will listen, although we may not answer.”  
“Oh.” Anders stared at the apple in his hands. “Like... like praying?”  
“Like a prayer, indeed.” Bragi’s smile was back. “Now go, and with haste. Your time is running short and you need to get back before your body fails.”

Anders turned around and took a few hesitant steps, but when he looked over his shoulder again, Bragi was gone. And as he walked, he wondered if he would wake up from this trip and suffer from the worst hangover of his life, or if all of this had been real, was real, and this light might lead him to death after all. He heard the stories about the white light, and he briefly wondered if he would die for good if he chose the wrong direction now.

* * *

As the hours passed, hope was dwindling. Every time the doctor had been in the room to check on his vital signs, her face had become tauter. She didn’t need to say anything; it was clear that Anders was slowly slipping away. More chairs had been collected so that the waiting would at least physically be less uncomfortable. 

Gaia had never left the bedside, and she was still holding Anders’s hand between hers, looking at his face. Every time she closed her eyes tears spilled down her cheeks, but she was making no sound as she cried.

None one dared to disturb the heavy silence, and no one knew what to say, anyway. There were no words left to say. They remained in silent vigil in the knowledge that Anders would not survive the night.

Axl kept shaking his head, again and again and again, and then suddenly he threw his head back and bit back a sob. “Odin,” he rasped. “Odin, if you hear this... please, don’t let my brother die! I beg you... please, Odin, please don’t let my brother die...”

But if Odin heard, he did not answer.

Sheila’s sudden shocked gasp cut through the silence like a knife. But when Axl tried to put his arms around her she stepped away from him.

“No...” Sheila shook her head, and her voice was trembling. “No, please... not that.”  
“Sheila? Sheila, what’s going on?”  
Sheila closed her eyes, and for the first time ever since Axl had met her, there were tears in her eyes when she looked at him again, shaking her head in hopeless denial. “I don’t want to do this...” Then she took another step away from Axl and looked around.

“I’m so sorry...” She whispered. “I don’t want to do this... I am so sorry...” 

And then she closed her eyes, took a few steps forward and simply vanished into thin air.

“What is going on?” Axl looked back and forth between his brothers and Olaf. “What is happening?”  
“It seems,” Olaf said in a low and heavy voice. “That Eir has just been called into service.”  
“What?”  
”She’s a valkyrie and...” Olaf looked at the bed. “They take the souls of the fallen to Odin’s halls.”  
“But...” Axl clenched his fists. “But she...”  
“She has no choice in the matter,” Olaf told him in a low and mournful voice. “And neither have we. The only thing we can draw comfort from now is that she can make sure he arrives safely... wherever that may be.”

In the devouring silence that followed, all eyes in the room came to rest on Anders again. And at that moment the rhythmic beeping of the life support machine, until now a low background noise, began to stutter and turned into one long, continuous beep while the flickering zigzags on the monitor collapsed into a flat and stagnant line.

Gaia jumped up from the chair with a sob, and at the same moment, two doctors and a couple of nurses hurried into the room.

In sheer reflex Axl closed his arms around Gaia and held her close with both arms clasped tightly around her, and they both stared at the doctors and nurses and their desperate attempts at resuscitation. 

The fight was short, and it was in vain. In the end, the only thing the doctor could do was to finally switch off the machine.

“I am sorry,” she said softly as behind her, the nurses began to remove the tube and cables from Anders’s body. “I am so very sorry.”

Gaia pressed her face into Axl’s shoulder and started to cry in deep, shaking gasps. Axl buried his face into her hair as he started to cry as well, and Ty’s shoulders began to shake with his silent sobs. Mike, like Olaf, had turned into stone, and a single tear trickled down his cheek. 

Silently, the doctors and nurses left them again; left them to their grief and to make their farewells.

* * *

As he walked a few steps more, something took shape in front of him, and for a moment, he saw a room full of people. He was looking down at everything as if he was floating under the ceiling; he saw people he knew stand around a bed with a lifeless figure in it, connected to life support and with a breathing hose in his mouth. 

He recognised the people. He also recognised the man in the bed.

More people in white coats swarmed into the room and around the bed. And as he watched, he saw they were switching off the machines. The vision wavered and the picture vanished. 

And Anders realised that he was dead.

* * *

Moving sluggishly and slow, as if he was underwater, Mike now drew his chair to the bedside. “Shit...” His voice was a husky whisper. “I... Anders, I’m so sorry...”  
“It’s too late,” Ty hawed in a toneless voice. “Too late.”

Gaia stilled in Axl’s arms, a shudder went through her body, and she slowly stepped free from his embrace. She slowly sat down again and picked up Anders’s hand to press a kiss onto the back of his fingers.

“I wanted to give you a few new fish for Christmas,” she whispered tonelessly. “But I promise I will take good care of them. I promise.” Tears were streaming down her cheeks now and dripped down her chin as she reached out and brushed her hand across his forehead and through his hair. Then she leaned forward and pressed a tender kiss onto his lips. 

“Bye, Anders.” Her voice broke as a sob almost choked her. “Goodbye...”


	22. Don't throw your hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for not sending me letterbombs. I promise there is a method to my madness.

* * *

The heavy footfall of someone stumbling sounded like bolts of thunder through the silence. Every head spun around when Sheila staggered a few steps forward as she fought for balance. 

“Did he make it?” She asked breathlessly.

And at that moment, Anders shot upright in the bed with a torturous gasp. 

Gaia jumped out of her chair so fast it almost toppled over, and at the same moment her knees gave way under her. Shocked himself, Axl barely managed to catch her.

Coughing and groaning Anders fell back into the mattress again and Gaia slowly looked up but kept holding on to Axl, and both of them stared at Anders whose chest was heaving in heavy breaths that looked and sounded painful. 

“What is going on?” Gaia whispered. “What happened?”  
Sheila had closed both hands around the foot end of the bed to steady herself. “I didn’t know that,” she wheezed.   
“Know what?” Olaf asked slowly.  
“That this was possible.”  
Everyone looked at Anders.   
“I...” Sheila shook her head. “I wasn’t summoned to take him away. I was... I was supposed to bring him back.” Then she swallowed and looked up, a small and incredulous smile on her face. “Apparently, the Celestial Ferry Service works both ways.”

“Supposed to bring him back?” Mike’s voice was trembling. “The doctor said he’d be severely brain damaged.... god, what did they do to him?”  
“Do you really think the gods would send him back into a broken body?” Sheila straightened up. “Would they be that cruel?”

Mike looked at Anders again who had his eyes closed and was breathing heavily, as if he had just been forced to run a mile or two. “Hey,” he whispered. “Look at me.”  
Anders didn’t react.   
“Hey.” He patted his cheek now, gently at first and then somewhat firmer. “Look at me.”

It seemed to take ages, but eventually, Anders managed to open his eyes.

“Look at me.”

Slowly, the clouded blue eyes swivelled towards Mike’s face.

“What’s your name?”

A frown appeared on Anders’ forehead.

“What’s your name? Tell me your name!”

Anders’s lips parted, but no sound emerged.

“What is your name? Tell me your name!”

Anders took a rasping breath, and his voice was cracked and hardly audible. “The fuck is wrong with you, Mike... you know my name, you moron...”

The grin appeared on Mike’s face together with the tears. He wiped a hand across his eyes as he looked up at the others. “He’s going to be all right.”

* * *

Everyone had been ushered out of the room by the doctors and nurses, which meant more waiting, and all with the shock of recent events still sitting deep in everyone’s bones. Due to the pace of events the relief had not sunken truly in yet.

It was another doctor who now approached them; he ran his hand through his hair and was clearly at his wits’ end.

“We have no medical explanation for this,” he said. “You say that...” He stared at the clipboard in his other hand. “That his girlfriend...” He cast a glance at Gaia. “Hit his ribcage with her fist in... her desperation... and that his heart... started beating again?”  
“Love,” Olaf said with a benevolent smile. “Is a powerful force.”

The doctor lifted one eyebrow and his facial expression remained calm, but he still looked as if he was about to say that whatever it was Olaf had smoked, he wanted some of that as well.

“The other... the other doctor,” Mike said, looking back and forth between the two. “She said we’d need a miracle. Well...” He shrugged.  
“If I’ve ever seen a case to qualify for that...” The young doctor sighed and tried to smile “Would you like me to inform the pope?”  
“I think he’d prefer to keep this under the radar,” Mike replied in a low voice.  
“Of course the personal and medical details are strictly confidential, so we have no say in this matter anyway.” The doctor cleared his throat, nodding absentmindedly as he made a few notes on his clipboard. “He is still conscious, by the way. So if you want to go and see him...”

They filed past him and entered the room again, one after one. Someone had raised the head end of the bed somewhat and while he was pale and still, he no longer looked as if he was about to die on them. Mike lowered himself into the chair at the bedside and as they all looked at Anders, no one noticed Gaia had not gone back inside with them.

“Hey,” Mike whispered.  
Anders cracked his eyes open and slowly, turned his head.  
Mike smiled at him. “Welcome back.”  
A frown appeared on Anders’s tired face. “The fuck are you doing here?”  
“What do you mean?”  
“I mean...” Anders closed his eyes for a second. “That I can do without self-righteous gloating...”  
“Hold it,” Mike interrupted him. “I’m not here to gloat. I’m here because my little brother was about to die.”  
“That is so sweet.” Despite the exhaustion that was clearly visible in his face, the sarcasm in Anders’s voice was unmistakable. “Next you tell me you’ve been holding my hand.”  
“I was.” Mike ignored Anders’s angry huff. “Listen, I...” He ran a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry, Anders. Like, really sorry. I never meant... Anders, you’re my brother...”  
“Yes, I know. You had the misfortune to be born by the same mother as I was. So what the fuck are you on about?”

“Exactly that,” Mike gave back after a deep sigh. “Look. We both know you’re not a saint, but neither am I. And when... When you...” He pressed his lips together. “Shit, you tried, Anders, and I didn’t give you a chance. And I wanted to get back at you so badly I even managed to forget it wasn’t only you I was...”  
“I’d start to cry now, but I’m a little out of it, Mike.”  
Mike met his eyes. “I realised... when the shit hit the fan... I just... I wanted to get back at you, but I didn’t want this. Anders, I...” He shook his head and stared at his hand for a moment. “I was sitting here watching you die and I remembered that it was me who taught you how to ride a bike and...” When he looked up again, his eyes were red. “Shit, I didn’t want this. I’m sorry, Anders. I’m so sorry, and I know that’s just pathetic, but I what can I do now?”

Anders narrowed his eyes. “You could fuck off and leave me alone.”  
Mike lifted his eyebrows.   
“I mean it.” Anders rested his head back into the pillow and closed his eyes. “Fuck off, all of you. Leave me the fuck alone.”

Everyone in the room exchanged a few uneasy looks with everyone else before Ty crossed his arms and looked at Anders.

“No,” he said. “And I know how pathetic that sounds to you after what happened, but we won’t leave you alone like that.”  
Anders raised his eyebrows.  
“You think I don’t know how that sounds? What that says about me?” Tay rolled his shoulders. “That I first remembered you‘re my brother and what you mean to me when you were dying in front of my eyes? But yeah...” He pressed his lips together for a moment, and his voice was lower when he continued. “I have to deal with that. You’ve always helped us out in a pinch, and we dropped you like a hot potato when you really needed us. I don’t even know how I could apologize for that. I only know I want to make up for it. I really do, Andy.”  
“Don’t call me that,” Anders gave back, his voice a little rough. “I’m not ten anymore.”  
“So I don’t know...” Ty’s expression was becoming more unhappy and more grim. “Should I start with bashing my head in for being a sod like that, or with beating the crap out of Mike for having pulled that stunt?”  
“Hold on a minute!” Mike snapped.

In the silence of Mike’s and Ty’s angry stare-off, Anders’s snort of amusement made the two jerk and look at him. 

“Go on,” Anders said with a lopsided smile. “This is very entertaining. We should take that outside into the rain and turn it into mud wrestling. Have Axl join as well and then you can all beat the crap out of each other. Would do you loads of good.”  
“And the winner gets a kiss of you?” There was a tiny glint in Ty’s eyes.  
“Go fuck yourself.”  
“I don’t think my dick is long enough for that,” Ty shot back.

The two stared at each other, and after a moment, Anders shook his head, rolled his eyes, and let his head drop back with a chuckle.

Axl stepped closer to the bed, his shoulders hunched and his voice very small. “Anders?”  
Anders tilted his head to look at him.  
“I’m sorry.” He sounded, for all that’s worth, like a little boy again.

With a sigh, Anders patted the bed beside him and Axl hesitantly sat down without meeting Anders’s eyes. 

“Axl?”  
Axl wiped a hand across his face. “I’m sorry. For all those... all the things I said to you when I... the message. The message I left.” He swallowed a sob. “I’m so sorry...”  
“Hey.” Anders patted his hand. “You didn’t mean it like that, did you?”  
“Yes, I did!” Axl finally looked at Anders, his eyes red and full of tears. “I fucking did! I meant every fucking word I said and then you’re suddenly dying hours later and... god, Anders!” He wiped his eyes but the tears forced themselves out. “I almost killed you once before and this feels like I did it again only this time there was no magic stick around and I...” He wiped his face again. “I wish there had been some of those pills left.”  
“Don’t say that!” Anders sat up even though it was visibly exhausting him. “Don’t even think about it!”  
“You did,” Axl croaked, voice thick with tears. “You thought about it and you did it, and it was my fault!”  
Anders shook his head, his eyes going soft. “Oh, Axl, you precious little baby.” He reached out and took his little brother’s hand. “It was a shit ass idea and I did it because I thought I was doing everyone a favour.” He looked up and there was a strange, soft look in his eyes. “Maybe I was wrong.”

Axl stared at his brother for a few heartbeats, and without warning, clamped his arms around Anders and pulled him close. Anders’s baffled face vanished in Axl’s shoulder and almost simultaneously, Mike shifted from chair to bed and Ty closed in on them and sat down as well, and suddenly Anders was wedged between three bodies and enveloped by six arms, almost vanishing completely between his brothers and in the fierce hug.

After a few moments, Anders pried his face out of Axl’s shoulder and whispered: “Need some air.” The pressure around him relented as his brothers let go, all of them still looking at Anders with hesitant smiles. Anders looked back and forth between them, trying to sort through his feelings with no success. He decided to change the topic for now.

“You know, Axl,” he said with a small grin. “You can pull a Bushy-Beard-Look off extremely well.”  
Axl couldn’t’ have looked more addled. “Huh?”  
Anders chuckled again. “I had a fucking weird dream,” he said. “Like, I’m sure it was because of the pills because it was a trip to end all trips. There were you, all of you, and me as well, and we all looked like Norse gods.” He shook his head. “And you looked particularly impressive with that beard although the one-eyed look thing was a little scary.”  
Axl leaned back and opened and closed his mouth a few times. “Huh?”  
“Oh, and Ty?” Anders nodded into his direction. “You should consider growing your hair; you looked smashing with a ponytail.”

Several things crossed Ty’s mind, all visible on his face, but all seemed to be variations of _What the fuck?_

“But you probably shouldn’t go for the rough survivor look,” Anders told Mike. “You looked as if you had kissed a flokati rug after eating cotton candy with your hands tied behind your back.”  
“Little crud,” Mike said, shaking his head with an affectionate smile. “So what did the gods say?”  
“Basically, they just were bickering like we do. Then Odin said something about connections and bonds and powers of gods that are not ours to demand. But wouldn’t that be handy?” Anders grinned at him. “To be able to have the powers back, just every now and then? Anyway. Wishful thinking.” He cleared his throat. “And then there were Idun and Bragi and it was exactly what I said it was, back then, last time I woke up in a hospital.”  
“What do you mean?” Ty crossed his arms.  
“Oh, that it was them who...” Anders broke off and bit his lower lip. “Concocted the shit with... the fiend and me and... Gaia.” His voice had lowered until the last word was hardly audible anymore. Then he took a deep breath and smiled a little too brightly. “Then Bragi took me somewhere over the rainbow bridge and...”

Anders fell back into the bed, the smile dying on his face. He stared into empty air before him and when he spoke again, his voice was so low everyone had to strain their ears.

“There was this white light. And then I could see the hospital room from above.” He swallowed hard. “I watched them switch off the machines. And the picture was gone. And I knew I was dead.”

The silence hung heavy in the room. 

“You’re not, now, are you?” Ty said slowly.  
Anders tried to smile and failed. “Looks like it. Don’t know why, though.”  
“I guess that was really Odin’s doing,” Olaf now joined the conversation. “Axl begged Odin to save his brother. Moments later, he called Eir into service.”  
“Who the fuck is Eir?” Anders’s voice was still rough.  
“That would be Sheila’s Valkyrie alter ego,” Olaf explained. “But instead of taking you across, she brought you back. Don’t you remember that?”

Anders swallowed and shook his head. “No. After the pictures of the room... vanished... I don’t remember...”  
“Probably for the best,” Olaf said firmly. “Can’t have been pleasant to have been slammed back into a body that’s been dead for several minutes. Jesus...” He shook his head. “When you suddenly sat up again... that scared the fucking crap out of me. And everyone else too, I gather.”  
Anders gave him a watery smile. “Guess so.”

“So,” Anders said after a small pause. “Does that mean I wasn’t tripping and actually talked to the gods?”  
“Who knows.” Olaf weighed his head. “What we do know is that Odin had a hand in... this. There is no way to tell if your dream was just that... a dream, or if it was real.”

Anders kept thinking about Idun’s words. His memories were a little blurred and he couldn’t remember every detail of the conversation with her and Bragi, but if it was true, if he really had talked to them and his memory wasn’t just playing tricks, or if it was imagination... what did that mean? Did it make whatever had been between him and Gaia any less real? Had it really been fate or just a fortuity?   
Did it make a difference?  
But the more he thought, the less he understood, and all he got for his efforts was a headache.

He opened his eyes again – he hadn’t even realised he had shut them – and looked around. “What about Gaia?” He finally dared to ask. “Does she know about this?”  
“She was here the whole night with us,” Mike gave back. “She was holding your hand all the time.”  
“And where is she now?”

It was only now that everyone noticed her absence. 

Axl looked around with a frown and stuck his head out of the door “Gaia?” 

When she didn’t answer, he left to look for her, but as he came back somewhat later he could only shrug. 

Anders closed his eyes again and lay back. He was tired. He didn’t want to think about all that. He was still alive, against all odds, and he had no idea what would happen now. He still wanted to fix things between him and Gaia, but had no idea how. And after what happened... She most likely had only called him to tell him to stop bothering her. He should do just that. 

All that thinking had exhausted him, and his whole body still felt like lead. He didn’t even want to open his eyes anymore, and after some minutes more, he had fallen asleep. 

Leaving him to his rest, the others tip-toed out of the room; only Mike, Ty and Axl remained behind.

* * *

After that, Anders recovered pretty quickly, and after only one more day, he could undergo the extremely unpleasant and atrociously humiliating ordeal of having the foley catheter removed again. And while he could accept the necessity, and knew it was infinitely better than the alternative of pissing himself, the thought of a rubber tube up his dick made his skin crawl.

But now, after he was able to tend to his own business again, there was nothing but wait until the doctors decided he was well enough to be discharged. That left him with not much else to do than being bored and watching the swirls of colour on the linoleum floor.

A knock on the door broke his aimless train of thoughts, and as he looked up, Ty and Axl entered and quickly closed the door behind them.

“Hey,” Ty said and pulled a chair close. Axl followed suit and settled the shopping bag on his lap. Both of them had the same conspiratorial grin on their faces and looked like boys that had stolen momma’s cookies.

Anders looked back and forth between them with raised eyebrows.

Axl then opened the shopping bag and produced a wrapped package. “We come bearing gifts,” he said with a wink that made Anders grin.   
“We all know how dreadful hospital food is, so we brought you a chicken burger,” Ty said with a satisfied smile.   
“And a doughnut,” Axl added, presenting said item with a proud grin.  
Anders’s heart melted. “I love you guys.”

Ty and Axl bro-fisted with a proud and satisfied grin.

They stayed until dinner time, keeping conversation casual, and only left when visiting time was over and the nurse bringing Anders his dinner threw them out again. They left with the promise of a slice or two of pizza for the next day. 

While waiting for sleep that night, Anders was thinking how happy he was about having his brothers back, but there was a feeling of something heavy, something he couldn’t name, when he thought about the fact that he had to almost die for that to have happened. A part of him was sure that they only made a show of it because of a bad conscience, but another clung to the hope that maybe they really did this out of love. And the truth was, he hadn’t been exactly lovable lately. At all. For years. He was a prick and most times, couldn’t even help it. But he wanted things to stay the way they were right now.

And then he thought about Idun’s last words to him. Imaginary or not, they relieved some of that heaviness, and he could finally fall asleep.


	23. Pick up here and chase the ride

* * *

The doctors kept Anders for another five days, but when no amount of x-rays, ultrasounds, palpitations and no amount of blood and stool and urine and saliva samples produced anything conclusive, they were forced to discharge him without any explanation of his mysterious recovery.

His brothers had come to pick him up and give him a lift home, and all three of them gave Anders a fierce hug before they all got into Mike’s car.

Once back home, the first thing Anders did was check on his fish, but they were alive and healthy and the tank was even freshly cleaned.

“Mike and me took care of them,” Ty said with a little smile. “And we did a bit of cleaning and shit, like sheets on the bed.”   
Anders’s eyebrows shot up. “Mike took care of my fish?”  
“Yes, and he totally freaked out when he couldn’t find the fish food,” Axl said with a chuckle. “And he went and spent an hour at the pet shop to try and find out what was best.”   
“Funny.” Mike crossed his arms and met Anders’s eyes. “I didn’t want to have to bury another one of your pets, Anders.”  
Taking a step back and leaning against the kitchen counter, Anders held Mike’s gaze until the latter lowered his eyes. As he realised that there was something going on he wasn’t privy to, Axl stopped grinning and shoved his hands into his pockets.

Clearing his throat, Ty crossed his arms as well. “And I’m afraid we had to end a few of the science projects in your fridge.”  
Anders raised his eyebrows again and opened the fridge to peek inside. It was freshly cleaned as well and filled with food and even beer. “Thank you,” Anders said calmly and looked at Ty over the open door. “One could think you have something to make up for.”  
Ty’s smile vanished and he stared at his feet.

Anders closed the fridge with a sigh and crossing his arms, leaned against the kitchen counter again. He looked at his brothers but none of them met his eyes; they started to fidget and shift and look everywhere but him until Anders threw his hands up with a huff.

“Okay. Okay! We talk about this. But not now. I’m not in the mood and I’m fucking tired.”

He walked past them and picked up his bag, but when he was about to enter the bedroom, all three of his brothers were still standing next to his sofa like soldiers waiting to be dismissed or little boys looking lost or maybe even both.

“What?” Anders dropped the bag again. “I’m sure you have better things to do than stand around in my kitchen.”  
“Yes, but...” Ty had that expression so typical for him, trying to not look concerned and failing utterly.   
Axl rubbed the back of his neck.  
“One of us stays,” Mike finally said.

“What?” Anders emitted a breathless little chuckle. “You serious?”   
But then he looked at their faces, and the way they looked at him, and he managed a small, affectionate smile. 

“Look”, he said. “I... I get where you’re coming from. But... apart from the fact that I have run out of pills and no doctor is going to give me another prescription for them ever again, what are you worried about?”

Axl looked at his feet, Ty pressed his lips together and Mike crossed his arms and thrust out his chin.

“Okay.” Anders pinched the bridge of his nose. “Okay. Here’s the deal.” He looked at them again. “I won’t do it again, yes? Because if I am really still here because Odin sent a fucking valkyrie for me to bring me back... and since we don’t have any better explanation I guess that’s what it was... I am not going to risk his godly wrath by trying it again. I’m sure he’ll smite my sorry arse into next year, grind my soul into dust and sneeze on it to dissipate my atoms into cosmic dust so... no.” He gave them a tight-lipped smile. “I’m going to stay where he put me.”

Several looks were exchanged between his brothers but in the end, they came to the conclusion that he was sincere and quite done with trying to do himself in, so they left, if hesitantly. As Mike was about to leave, though, Anders called out to him.

“Hey, Mikkel.”  
Mike looked up.   
“We still have a bone or two to pick.”  
The corner of Mike’s mouth twitched, but there was no humour in his eyes. “Better make that three or four.”  
Anders simply nodded, a gesture that Mike returned, and then the door closed behind him.

Anders let out a deep, heavy breath.

Then he entered his bedroom again, not really surprised at all the memories flooding back at him. He slowly sat down on the bed and stared at the nightstand, empty now safe for the small lamp. 

He was tired. He wanted to sleep, or just rest a little, he felt not really fully recovered and his bones still felt as if they were made of lead. His eyes darted to the nightstand again and he gritted his teeth with a deep and heavy breath.

Because he realised at that moment how liberal he had been with those fucking pills, to the extent of where he had almost taken them habitually. And what kind of a pit of vomit had his life become that he hadn’t been able to properly sleep for weeks or even months without the aid of dangerous drugs?

Maybe he wasn’t physically addicted, but the thought of having to make do, find rest, fall asleep on his own without an emergency button scared him. And that fact scared him even more. He had handled snow and booze for years without any troubles, but the realisation that _the thought alone_ of having to do without sleeping pills scared him caused his stomach to turn. 

He had reached a dead end. If his life had become such a hopeless pile of crap that he couldn’t sleep without pills anymore, then the solution was _definitely not_ more pills. And that, of course, was the reason he had taken the fucking things in the first place. And had he himself not been a vessel of a god, he’d have flipped the notion of being resurrected by a divine miracle a bird and tried again.

He might have been afraid what would happen to him if he went straight back to where Odin had picked him up to thrust him back.  
He discovered also that he entertained the strangely philosophical thought that he had been sent back for a reason. That thought was immediately accompanied by the annoying flash of insight that it was because his little brother had begged Odin for his life like a kid begged candy from his dad.

Anders clasped his hands between his knees. Whatever the reason was, he was still here, and he knew he didn’t have the guts to do it again. But what he also knew was that he could not go on as if nothing had happened. Only what he would have to do... He had no idea.

* * *

Anders wasn’t really sure how you went about starting a new life, but some things wouldn’t have to change, after all. So he started with going to work and found he could focus just fine as he more or less picked up where he had left. Not that much had happened during the last week with him temporarily out of the picture, and Dawn had kept things up and running with her usual efficiency. 

During the next two weeks he avoided his brothers as much as he could, but he knew that sooner or later, they were going to have to talk about all this shit. He wasn’t really thrilled by the thought, but he also knew that postponing it would solve nothing.

That’s what starting new was probably about. Not going back to the same old shit. Usually, when he had had a fallout with one or several of his brothers, they had just shouted and argued for a while, then pretended for another while the other didn’t exist, and at one point, started to acknowledge each other again and gone back to normal, everyone pretending to have forgotten. Until next time, when old issues were suddenly dragged out from old boxes hidden under beds and thrust into each other’s faces.

No. This was not something he wanted thrown back at him at some point. And then, when he imagined if it had been Ty or Axl in that bed with him standing around watching him die... well, he sure as fuck would have wanted to talk about it. Make apologies. Make amends. Not that he expected much of the sort from his brothers, but still. He should at least try, and stop hiding.

With a sigh, he glanced at his watch, then got up, went for his wallet and car keys and left.

* * *

“Anders!” Ty waved at him. “Didn’t expect you here!”  
Anders walked towards the bar and cast Mike a wary look. But Mike just put a bottle in front of him. “You weren’t here last week, we thought maybe you’d pass on our get-togethers.”  
“Thanks for not sending an escape and rescue squad.” He took the offered bottle. “It’s appreciated.”

As Anders sat down at Ty’s and Axl’s table, next to the latter, Sheila suddenly got up and stretched. “Ladies, time to leave the brothers to their own.”  
Ingrid and Stacey looked up from their table in the corner with surprise, but Dawn immediately got up and picked up her bag.   
“Come on,” Sheila said again. “They need some quality time together and there’s no time like the present.”

Hesitantly, Ingrid and Stacey did as asked and Dawn and Sheila herded them outside with them. After watching the door for a moment, Mike ducked under the bar and emerged again with a sign saying _Private Function_ that he put on the outside of the door before locking it. Then he sat down next to Ty with his own beer.

And for a good ten minutes, none of the four knew what to say.

“I don’t know where to start,” Anders finally said into the uncomfortable silence.  
“Maybe you could start with telling us why you thought you’d be doing us a favour when you took those pills,” Mike gave back slowly.  
Anders took a sip of beer. It was a tough one, and it confronted him with very unpleasant memories of his utter failure. “Because I fucked up.”  
“You did that before, and...”  
“Shut up and let me talk.”

After taking another sip, Anders leaned back and pressed his lips together in thought as he inhaled deeply through his nose. 

“I thought... it doesn’t really make a difference.” He took a sip of beer. “The fact is that you all thought I was up to no good with Gaia.”  
“I changed my mind,” Ty said meekly.  
Anders shrugged. “So did Axl. But then my past came back to bite me.”

Mike took a deep breath himself. “And that was entirely my fault, so...”  
“It wasn’t entirely yours, now, was it?” Anders met his eyes. “Because if I hadn’t been such a prick around women for years you’d never come up with that shit. Because that’s what I was: Mr Steal Your Girl who didn’t even stop at his brothers’ fiancées, right?”  
“Well... In a way, that was probably not so far from the truth.” Mike pressed his lips together and weighed his head. “I still overdid it, though. And I’m sorry.”  
“You know, Mikkel, I’m actually not the only one affected by this. You should think about apologizing to her as well.”  
“I did,” Mike replied. “But I can’t get in touch with her. None of us can. She doesn’t answer any calls or texts anymore.”

Anders felt his shoulders drop as he stared at the table. Not that he hadn’t expected this, but still... “And that is entirely my fault.” He took a sip of beer. “I’m obviously incapable of a proper relationship and should go back to one night stands.” His heart wasn’t really in it, though.   
“But you never... I thought you enjoyed one night stands and...” Axl broke off with a stricken expression. “I mean...”  
“And you know what?” Anders met his eyes. “I did. I did it until...”  
“Until you and Gaia happened,” Ty finished for him.

Anders stared at the table again. “Yeah, until that happened. Kind of changed my outlook on the issues of relationships.”  
“Not that you ever tried that before,” Mike said, but without malice.  
“Which is the point,” Anders gave back. “Which is why I freaked out after that... scene.”  
“That probably could have been solved...”  
“And don’t I know that?” Anders interrupted him sharply. “But by the time I realised that it was serious it was already too late, and when I tried to fix it I fucked up big time.”  
“You could say that twice and it’d still be only half true,” Mike said with a shake of his head.

Anders lowered his eyes. “And then... I fucked up. But everyone seemed to think I did it on purpose. And that freaked me out. I didn’t realise you thought so low of me. I mean... I know you were not... you were not with me on the issue of women, and I know that... I just don’t know what I was thinking anymore. But that you would think I’d do that to her on purpose... that hurt.”

Now it was his brothers’ turn to avoid his eyes. 

“It really hurt,” Anders went on. “And I convinced myself that no one would miss me when I fucked off, buy a one-way ticket to Europe or the US and never come back. You’d probably never even realise that I was gone. Or so I thought.”  
“But...” Ty shook his head.  
“Admit it.” Anders looked up again. “As long as you believed I drank so much I was hardly able to breathe you thought I deserved it.”  
Ty swallowed hard, but nodded. “Sorry.”  
“And that’s what I mean.” Anders shrugged. “I’m a prick, I know that. And I liked being a prick because I could pretty much do what I wanted. But when... before I fucked up, I had a good thing going. Not only with... with her, but also with you. At least with Axl and Ty.” He took another sip of beer. “And I got used to that. And then suddenly I was alone again. And hated. And...” He shrugged. “Then I just wanted to sleep, to not think about what a sorry pile of crap my life was anymore. Took the pills, and took some more because... really, somewhat of a one way ticket as well, right? I’m just a pathetic little shit.”

A long pause followed his last words as everyone digested what Anders had told them.

“But we... we don’t hate you, Anders,” Axl finally said.  
“Seems like. Not any more at least.”  
“But... we never did. I never did. I was fucking furious with you...”  
“Which is why you told me I was dead to you and never should talk to you again.”  
Axl went a little pale. “Yeah, but... really, if I had hated you, like really hated you... I wouldn’t have asked Ty for the key and driven Sheila and Gaia over. And I wouldn’t have cried. Same with Ty. And Mike. We cried. We all cried because we realised that... that we didn’t hate you.”  
“Well if you didn’t then you had a piss-poor way of showing it.”

Another heavy silence hung in the air.

“We can’t change what happened,” Ty finally said, voice low and dull. “And I know that doesn’t help you, but I feel like shit about it. Especially when...”  
Anders lifted his eyebrows. Ty was looking so uncomfortable that he seemed ready to bolt. 

It took Ty a while before he could speak again. “I never realised that... there was so much shit no one ever told me to protect little Ty from the big bad world... I never learned until... that night... that you never fell down the stairs, back then when Johann left.”  
“Yeah, well... I guess the issue never came up again. No, he pushed me after he told me to get out of his sight.”  
“What brought that on?” Axl was nervously kneading his fingers.   
“He was fucking drunk. I don’t even know why he went at mum and Ty and you that way. And before I knew, he was going at me with both fists and pushed me down the stairs.”  
“He kicked you,” Mike said sharply. “You told us he pushed you when in truth he kicked you!”  
“What makes you think he did?” Anders said mildly, taking a sip of beer.   
“Gaia told us about the scar,” Mike replied. “And she put two and two together.”

Anders looked away and muttered a choice curse under his breath.

“Why did you never tell us?” Ty asked, by the sound of it close to tears.   
Anders looked up again. “Because I didn’t see the point.”  
Mike leaned forward. “Why?”  
“Why?” Anders breathed out a mirthless little chuckle. “Because mum cared shit about me, you didn’t believe a word of what I told you anyway, and Ty would only have been upset and freaked out.”  
After a moment, Mike cleared his throat. “I’m sorry, Anders.”  
“Yeah, you mentioned that before.”  
“Fuck, what can I do about that now?” He ran a hand through his hair. “I know I gave you more than a ton of shit when I had to come back. Guess it was because... I couldn’t get at Johann, so I got at you. You’re not the only one who fucked up, Anders.”

Ty looked up, and Anders felt a strange ache in his heart upon seeing him in tears.

“I... I never realised,” Ty stammered. “I never realised that Johann only hit you and never me. I never...”  
“Ty, just let it...”  
“No, Anders, I’m not going to let it rest!” He wiped his eyes. “How many times did Johann beat the crap out of you? And how...” He choked on his words. “How many times did you... have you been...” his voice was so hoarse his last words were hardly audible. “...raped by Cameron?”  
Anders exhaled sharply. “Once. And Johann got me for good only once as well. He boxed my ears a lot of times, but that was the only time he lost his shit like that. Probably why he shot through. He could’ve killed me.”  
“He could.” Ty swallowed hard and wiped his nose. “But... it was really only this once?”  
Anders was about to snap back, but when he saw the pain in his brother’s eyes he just shook his head. “Ty, you can believe me. I’ve got no love for Johann, and I have no intention to cover anything up for him.” 

“And what about Cameron?” Ty forced those words out through trembling lips. “Was that only once, too?”  
“Why does it bother you so much?” Anders asked with an edge to his voice. “Yes, it was! Apart from that, it wasn’t rape. I went with him and I knew exactly what he wanted. I got the money afterwards so no... It wasn’t rape. I played boy-whore, that’s all.”  
“Anders, for fucks sake!” Ty slammed the table so hard everyone flinched. “You were fucking twelve years old! He had no right to touch you, no matter your intentions!”  
“You were in no age to give consent,” Mike cut in. “It was rape no matter what you say now.”  
“So when I talked girls into my bed using Bragi, was that rape too?” Anders asked sharply. “Because that means I forced them to give their consent, yeah? Does that make me a rapist, too?”

Ty dropped his face into his hands and took a few deep, rasping breaths. Axl just stared at his beer with a pale face and Mike pressed his lips together, his tongue darting out to wet his lips.

“Fuck if I know,” he said under his breath. “I never looked at it this way.”  
“And neither did I,” Anders replied heavily. “You know, you lot are really brilliant in giving me more of a fucking bad conscience than I thought possible.”  
“Sorry,” Axl said.”  
“You didn’t say anything, Axl.”  
“But I did, didn’t I?” Ty swallowed another sob. “I’m so fucking sorry, Anders... I can’t believe I brought that up. I didn’t want to hurt you anymore.”

Anders snorted angrily and leaned back, clutching his bottle tightly.

“Did... you know, did any of the girls actually say something along those lines?”  
“Val did.”  
Mike shook his head. “I know she did. Did you do something like that to any other girls?”  
“You mean talk her into my bed against her will?” Anders asked in a bitter voice. “No. You see, Mike, I have the same problem as you have now. I wanted to get at you and used Val. I didn’t realise what I had done to her before it was too late. And believe me, I was a lot more cautious after that. Suggestive. When I told you I only opened doors and waited for them to go through I fucking meant it.”  
Ty stopped chewing his lips. “Did... you know... did any woman ever say no to you?”  
Anders exhaled softly. “A few.”  
“A few?”  
“You know Ty, I actually have some charms beside Bragi and I live in the vain belief that I have the looks as well, so yeah... A few. I never forced them past that, I swear. ” He took a sip of beer. “Do you think it’ll make a difference if I go to her and try to apologise?”  
Mike could only shrug. “I have no idea. But it won’t hurt to try, I’d say.”  
Anders nodded and stared straight ahead.

“But what happens now?” Axl asked after another long pause. “What the fuck are we going to do about all that now? Anders, we treated you like shit...”  
“Not that I didn’t deserve it sometimes.”  
“Sometimes.” Axl shrugged helplessly. “But not when... you didn’t deserve that. But we... guess it was easier to blame you than to find out what the fuck really happened.”  
“Well, I fucked up big time is what happened, so I can’t really blame you.”

Axl heaved a heavy sigh. “We all fucked up.”  
“Some more, some less,” Anders cut in.  
“Still.” Axl cleared his throat. “Maybe... I don’t know... can we maybe go and forgive each other...”  
“And go biblical in epic proportions,” Anders said with a chuckle. “Tears and wails and everything.”  
“Don’t be a dick about it,” Axl gave back, his voice trembling. “I just don’t know what else to do!”  
Anders pressed his lips together when he looked at his little brother and sighed. “Sorry. I’m sorry. See, I did it again. Seems I just can’t stop being a prick.”

“But... honestly,” Ty said with a deep frown on his face. “Do you think you can ever forgive us?”  
Anders shook his head with a sad little smile. “I think I already have.”  
The frown deepened even more. “How is that even possible?”

Anders shrugged and looked into each of his brothers’ eyes.

“You’re still my brothers,” he said simply. “I haven’t forgotten that you taught me to ride a bike,” he addressed Mike, and then looked at Ty. “And that I helped you with your letters and you shared your treats with me when mum rewarded you for your homework. And Axl...” He smiled again. “My baby brother... I used to change your nappies so I probably touched your tiny little dick as many times as you’re touched it yourself by now.” His smile turned into a little grin. “Maybe not.”  
Axl’s answering grin was a little strained.   
“And it’s hard not to love someone who loves nothing more than to ride on your shoulders.” He took another sip of beer.   
“Guess we can’t try that anymore, huh,” Axl gave back, and Anders grinned around his bottle at him before he took a sip of his beer.

When he put the bottle down, however, his expression was serious again. “There’s only one thing I can’t forgive,” he said. “And that’s the way you acted when... when Gaia became Idun. It wasn’t my fault Helen was killed in front of my eyes. It wasn’t my fault that Idun jumped the queue and took over Gaia. It wasn’t my fault that the gods were stronger than us. And it wasn’t my fucking fault that she came to my door after I’d locked myself away because I didn’t want to break my baby brother’s heart!”

A dead silence hung in the air.

“I tried! But I couldn’t resist! And after it had happened once... it was absolutely impossible. It was a fucking nightmare, to be forced to fuck a woman I didn’t want! And yes, fuck me, I did enjoy it because it gave me the best orgasms I ever had, but at the same time I knew this would end in disaster and I still couldn’t stop myself! And Bragi had pushed me out of my own body and I was forced to hang on for the ride. I don’t know what else to tell you.” He swallowed and lowered his eyes. “It was a fucking nightmare.”  
“You seemed to make light of it, though,” Mike said slowly.  
Anders huffed. “It’s not as if I hadn’t tried to tell you I couldn’t stop it. But you refused to believe the fact I didn’t stand a chance.”  
“Yes.” Mike’s voice was like lead. “I did.”  
“So that...” Anders put the bottle down and leaned back. “That is the thing I can’t forgive.”

“And what can we do?” Axl asked, desperation visible in his face and audible in his voice. “Can we do anything, Anders?”  
Anders shrugged. “You could start with at least acknowledging that I couldn’t help it and wasn’t being a first class arsehole on purpose.”  
“Well damn right you weren’t!” Axl wiped the wetness off his cheeks. “But I didn’t care fuck because I was so furious! Seems I had real anger management issues when I was Odin and...” He trailed off and shook his head. “That sounds fucking pathetic now, doesn’t it?”  
Anders gave him a very long look with raised eyebrows.

“And now?” Ty toyed idly with his bottle without looking at Anders.

Anders leaned back and shrugged. He emptied his bottle while his brothers did the same, and the silence was heavy and uncomfortable. 

But then, Anders came to a decision and brought his bottle down with a thump.

“You know what?” He said. “To hell with all this. It’s in the past, and there’s sweet fuck all anyone can do about it.” He got up and rolled his shoulders. “I’m fucking sick of this... this grovelling and whining and... fuck this. I want to put that shit behind us and never talk about it again. So you’re sorry, and I’m sorry too. I fucked up, and you fucked up, and you know what? I don’t give a shit about that anymore. You’re my brothers, and we can all be little fuck-ups together.” 

He opened his arms with a grin, and could feel relief, something he had been waiting for all this time, when all he had to do was this.

“Anders, back from the dead by divine miracle, doesn’t give a shit about anything anymore. I’m calling a bergerbar and the bill is on me.”

They all got up then, all with hesitant smiles, not quite really believing it was over and that they’d been let off the hook that easily. But the first, tentative embrace quickly turned into fierce bear-hugging and back-slapping until Anders had to break free for a little air. 

“This is why I’m putting up with you lot,” he said with a grin. “The fucking hugs.”  
Mike stood back a little as well with a smile. “You know you can’t actually call a bergerbar anymore, can you?”  
Anders laughed at that. “Do I look as if I give a shit? You coming Mikkel or not?”  
“I’m right behind you.”


	24. What is there for me inside, this love is tired

* * *

Anders was finding his feet again. He and Mike were still somewhat wary around each other, but it was neither hostile nor aggressive. Just cautious. They had had a lot of issues, and those had amassed over a long time. They were on their way to breaching that gulf, though, and since Mike was really trying, Anders found himself more often than not in a rather charitable mood towards him whenever one of the topics came up.

There was only thing that kept bothering Anders, apart from the fact that he found it hard to get over his fuckup that had cost him the good thing he had had with Gaia. It was the fact that while he technically was no longer alone, as he and his brothers had found a closeness they never had before, it wasn’t easy for him to be in their company.

Not that he wasn’t welcome. But all three of them were in a relationship and that left Anders always the odd one out no matter what they did to make him feel welcome. It bothered him more than he cared to admit.

He had to face the fact that he still couldn’t get over Gaia. She was still on his mind, if he was alone in his bed with only his hand for company, was watching TV alone with a beer, or walking in the park to get some air. It was something he had never felt before: He missed her.

And there was nothing he could do about it. He had called her. Texted her. E-mailed her. He had even sent her a fucking letter, paper, stamp and everything. But all he had gotten in return was silence. And at one point he realised he was desperate enough to make a complete ass out of himself and drove over to her place.

The guy who opened the door gave him a deeply distrustful look, and it cost Anders all of his self-control not so simply bolt.

“Sorry to disturb, is Gaia at home?”  
The guy goggled at him for a second and then asked: “Who?”  
“Gaia?” Anders couldn’t say if he was more relieved or more worried. “Doesn’t she live here?”  
“Never heard that name,” was the reply.  
“Okay. Sorry to bother but... when did you move in?”  
“Why is that your business?”  
“It’s not,” Anders gave back. “I just wondered when she left.”  
“We moved in two weeks ago!” He heard a female voice call from somewhere inside. “And now fuck off!”  
Anders inclined his head. “Sorry for the inconvenience.”

Back in his car, he had to force himself to keep his shit together. With little hope he drove by the coffee shop, only to be informed by one of her co-workers that she had given her notice three weeks ago. She hadn’t heard of her since. 

Back at home, Anders picked up his laptop, and as he was about to write her another e-mail, he decided to try a different approach. He went to the site of a freemailer, made himself another address and sent her a mail from there. This still was no guarantee she would read it, but at least he had a chance that she actually got it as he was sure she had blacklisted him long ago. He wrote the same thing he had written before in texts and mails and letters, the same thing he had never been able to say to her voicemail. It sounded terribly sappy and painfully whiny to him, but it was the only thing he could think of. He had no idea what else to do. He could write it, but he was unable to just say it.

_To: raindancer000@yahoo.com_  
_Sender: bloody_stupid_johnson@mail.com_  
_Subject: Please talk to me_

_Gaia,_

_Please don’t do that. Please don’t just vanish like that._  
_I know I fucked up big time. I know I hurt you and I know that just saying sorry isn’t enough. I meant to fix it, but I chickened out on you and made it worse than ever before. But please, give me a chance. I can’t stop thinking about you. I miss you. I still want to fix it. I want to make up for it._

_I know you turned the tables. Pretend nothing had ever happened. Remove me from your life. And I don’t blame you for ignoring me._

_But please give me another chance. And if not, then at least don’t let it end like this._

_Anders_

He hit the send button and immediately closed the lid. Then he grabbed his keys and left, not wanting to sit the rest of the evening on his sofa staring at his laptop.

* * *

Mike was about to smile at him when Anders entered the bar, but one look at his face, and his expression immediately became worried. He took two beers and walked over to the table where Anders had sat down and seated himself next to him.

Anders took the bottle with a nod and drained half of it in one single go.

“What the fuck happened to you?”  
“What do you mean?”  
“You look like shit, mate.”  
“I feel like shit, too.”

Mike waited and Anders put the bottle down. “I tried to get in touch with Gaia.”  
“No success, I gather.”  
“No.” Anders shook his head. “She’s moved. She doesn’t work at the coffee shop anymore. I guess she left the country again, and for good this time. Can’t really blame her.”

Mike stared at his bottle and sighed. “I’m sorry, Anders. I really wish I could fix that for you.”  
“It’s appreciated.” Anders gave back with not much enthusiasm. “But it won’t happen. You know, I even made a new mail address today and wrote to her from that, I’m just that pathetic. But I swear that’s the last thing I ever try.”  
Mike closed his hand around Anders’s forearm and squeezed it. “You let me know when there’s anything I can do.”  
“Sure,” Anders looked up, but he didn’t look at Mike. 

Anders stayed for another beer until the place began to fill; then he left, parked his car but didn’t go up to his flat. He kept walking through the neighbourhood for another hour before he finally faced the inevitable and went home again. He opened his laptop.

He had a reply.

_To: bloody_stupid_johnson@mail.com_  
_Sender: raindancer000@yahoo.com_  
_Subject: Re: Please talk to me_

_Anders,_

_Please stop doing this. I know how you feel, but it’s only going to make things worse._

_Yes, I know I’m doing to you what you did to me, but please believe me, I’m not doing it to get back at you. I just can’t do this anymore._

_Anders, I watched you die. And I did so knowing that I was the reason. I know Mike started it, but I should never have written you off like that. This is something I will never forgive myself. I understand why you broke off all contact._

_At first I wasn’t really sure if you were being serious about fixing things, and when I was, it was too late. And my god, I felt so smug showing up with a cake at your door. I wanted to surprise you and make up. Instead I found that woman there. I’ve never been so humiliated in my life. And I still don’t understand why you would get in touch with me and then just take another woman home. But that is not the issue._

_And then, the same evening, I had to watch you die._

_It’s not that I don’t want to be with you anymore. I just can’t. I can’t be with you, dreading another mistake and setting off another meltdown. I can’t go on and always fear that any mistake I make might ultimately end in another attempt at you killing yourself. I can’t be with you and have the feeling that I’m responsible for your life. I can’t do that. It’s too much. It hurts me, and I’m so sorry, but I can’t do it. And this is already setting me off again. I’m afraid what I do to you in telling you that._

_Please, don’t do this anymore. I’m going to blacklist this address, and please, I beg you, spare me the fear of having to do it over and over again. I miss you too, and it hurts me. But the thought of being with you and being in constant fear is something I can’t bear up against.  
I’m sorry it had to come to this. _

_I wish you all the best. And I will never forget you._

_Gaia_

Anders very slowly closed his laptop. He stared at the lid for a while, listening to his breathing and eventually, he shook his head. “I won’t forget you either,” he whispered.

* * *

Mike texted him the next morning.

Anders put the phone down with tight lips. It took him a while to focus on his work again.

* * *

Ty kept looking at the door the whole evening, as did Axl. Eventually, Mike joined them at their table with his own beer and looked at each of them.

“I don’t think he’ll be here tonight,” he said.  
“And why’s that?”  
Mike sighed. “Gaia finally got in touch with him. Only to tell him that it’s over for good.”  
“Well... we kind of suspected that, haven’t we,” Ty muttered darkly.  
“Yes but...” Mike stared at his bottle. “I texted Anders this morning, asked him what she said. He told me that she is afraid of making another mistake that would cause him to try and kill himself again. She doesn’t want to be responsible for his life.”  
“Shit.” Axl pressed his lips together.  
“And a pile of it,” Ty added. “Shit, we gotta fix this somehow!”  
“Tell me of it, Ty.” Mike took a sip of his beer. “Anders said she moved and doesn’t work at the coffee shop anymore.”  
“I did wonder why I never saw her there lately,” Axl said in a resigned voice. 

“So even if we knew how to fix this, we couldn’t. We can’t get in touch with her.” Ty emitted a frustrated huff. “Fuck. I’m sure we could somehow make it clear to her that he’s not going to do it again no matter what.”  
Axl shook his head. “She made sure we can’t get in touch with her anymore, though. And there’s no chance of finding her.”  
“Anders said he’s sure she left the country again, and for good this time.” Mike gritted his teeth.  
“She wouldn’t...” Ty looked at Mike with wide eyes. “Would she?”  
“We gotta find her,” Axl said meekly. “Shit, we have to do this for Anders. We gotta find her somehow.”  
“The world’s a big place, Axl.” Mike clutched his bottle and didn’t look up. “Good luck with that.”

The three of them fell into a deep and heavy silence.

Ty picked at the label of his bottle. “Do you remember what Anders said, after he woke up?”  
“What do you mean?” Mike kept staring at nothing.  
“I mean,” Ty went on. “What he said about the gods’ powers. About wishful thinking. And right after Odin had brought him back from the dead.”

Very slowly, Mike looked up and at Ty who met his eyes. 

“I don’t know shit,” Ty said. “But if there’s one person who has a chance of finding her it’s you, Mike.”

* * *

The bouquet of blue and violet hyacinths clutched firmly in his hand Anders pressed the doorbell with the other and gave his tie a last adjusting twitch before arranging his face in what he hoped was a neutral expression.

The door was opened by Rob, who instantly gave him a very distrustful stare.

“What do you want?”  
“Is Valerie at home?”  
“What do you want?” Rob asked more sharply.  
Anders decided to keep it blunt and simple. “Apologize.”

That brought Rob up short and after a moment of ogling him, he slowly took a step back and called for Val. Then he left with a nod towards Anders, who then waited while adjusting his tie again. 

Valerie approached the door with a wary look.

“What is it you want, Anders? Why are you here?”  
Anders cleared his throat and met her eyes as he held out the flowers. “I want to apologize.”  
A deep frown appeared on Valerie’s’ forehead as she cautiously accepted the flowers. “And... what for?”  
Anders clasped his hands before him. “For something I did to you... a very long time ago.” He raised his eyebrows.

Valerie slowly took a step back and looked at the flowers. “Why now?” It was almost a whisper.  
After clearing his throat, Anders looked up again and met her eyes. “I guess you don’t know what happened a few weeks ago.”  
“I don’t.” She put the flowers down onto the table beside her. “What happened?”  
“Shit happened, really big shit,” Anders said and realised he was still evading the issue. “I fucked up so big that I couldn’t live with myself anymore.”

She looked up at him again; the frown was back and deepened until it was suddenly replaced by an expression of shocked disbelief. “You...” It was a broken whisper.  
Anders couldn’t look at her anymore at that moment. “I am a pathetic little shit, especially around women, and I guess you know that better than anyone. I lost the one good thing I ever had, and because I am who I am everyone thought I did it on purpose. It just wasn’t worth it anymore. I took sleeping pills.”  
“Anders... you didn’t...”  
Anders hated being that upfront about events, but he kept clinging to the thought that a new start meant cleaning up old messes. “I’m not sure why I’m still here, how I made it, but... well. Here I am. And I don’t want to be a pathetic little shit anymore, so...” He shrugged uncomfortably. “I’m sorry. I know it’s not enough, but I don’t know what else I could do or say.”

Valerie kept looking at him and shook her head until Anders didn’t know where to look anymore. Then she slowly stepped towards him and put a hand on his shoulder. He forced himself to look at her again, surprised at seeing tears in her eyes. 

“I’m sorry, Val,” he said again in a low voice.  
“Yes, you are, aren’t you.” She smiled sadly and shook her head. “I can accept that apology, Anders. You have no idea how much that helps me getting over everything else.”

At that point Rob walked through the door, a toddler on his arm who was staring at Anders over the pacifier in his mouth. Val picked the boy out of Rob’s arms and turned towards Anders.

“Anders, meet little Mike.”  
Anders couldn’t suppress a snort. “Are you serious?”  
“Yes, we are.” Val ran a hand through the soft fuzz on the boys’ head. “We asked Mike to be his godfather, but he refused... well, I somehow still have the feeling it should have been his son, in a way.”  
“No,” Anders gave back. “He really shouldn’t. He’s Rob’s and yours, but he should be a cranky, messy teenager by now.”  
Valerie’s eyes softened. “That’s what Mike said, too.”

“I wonder what brought that outburst of wisdom in the Johnson clan on,” Rob said, a faint smile on his lips.”  
Anders rolled his shoulders. “Well, I don’t know about Mikkel, but almost dying kind of puts things into perspective. Makes you philosophical and question your choices.” He shrugged.  
“Hence the reason why you’re here with flowers.”  
“Hence the reason why I am here with flowers. Which I probably should have been fifteen years ago.”  
“Fifteen years ago, Anders...” Valerie cut in, “...none of us would have been ready for this.”  
“That’s probably right.”  
“You know it is.”

Their eyes met again. Val handed the boy back to Rob and took a step towards him, and after another look into his eyes that Anders had trouble returning, she suddenly embraced him. Anders, baffled at first, managed to return the embrace.

“Thank you,” Val said softly and stepped back. “I wish you all the best with the new start, Anders.”  
Anders inclined his head. “Thanks.”  
“You’re staying for a coffee?” Rob asked, but Anders shook his head.  
“I’d better not outstay my welcome, but thanks for being polite.”

Anders left the house and didn’t look back. But he felt a load lift from his shoulders he hadn’t even been aware of before.

* * *

Two weeks had passed since Mike and Anders had their conversation via texts about Gaia’s last message. Two weeks in which both Ty and Axl had avoided the topic of Gaia and Anders like the plague in his presence. Two weeks during which Mike had fought several battles with himself. 

Two weeks in which he had desperately wanted to do what he could to help his brother, to no avail.

Two weeks that had culminated in this situation: A Monday evening in Mike’s pub. Axl and Sheila were there, Ty and Dawn were there, and the four shared a table. Ingrid was there with an old friend, Stacey and Olaf were sticking their heads together giggling like teenagers, and Michelle was leaning against the bar flirting with him like they had never met before. And Anders leaning against the counter next to her with his bottle, staring into empty air.

“What’s up, mate?” Mike finally asked.  
“What do you mean?”  
“If this was a cartoon you’d have a large black cloud hanging over your head raining down on you with little bolts of lightning coming out.”  
“Hilarious.”  
“Anders, what’s going on?”  
“I’m thinking too much.”  
“About what?”

Finally, Anders turned to face him. 

“I’ve talked to Val yesterday.”  
Mike’s eyebrows couldn’t have risen any higher. “You what?”  
“Talked to Val.” Anders took a sip of beer. “Apologized. Did you know that hyacinths are the flowers you give when you apologize? It’s amazing what you can learn on the web.”  
Mike could only shrug.  
“At least that is out of my fucking mind now.”

Michelle and Mike exchanged a worried look as Anders turned away again to lean with his back against the bar. Mike was just about to say something when Axl and Sheila burst out laughing and kissed after calming down again. That very instant, Anders turned away, put his bottle down and mumbled something about having to make an early start tomorrow before he was out of the door.

“What a fucking mess,” Michelle said softly. “I’m starting to feel really sorry for Anders. He’s fallen really deep and hard, hasn’t he?”  
“Yeah...” Mike threw the towel over his shoulder. “Poor bastard.”

Mike couldn’t sleep that night. The haunted look in Anders’s eyes as he had all but fled the bar earlier didn’t leave him be, and he was sitting alone at a table down in the bar, head in his hands. This was his fault, and he had to fix this. 

He hadn’t seen Anders smile since the bergerbar they’d had shortly after he’d come home from the hospital.

When he finally went to bed it was almost three in the morning, and he still could not fall asleep. And when he finally did, he slept restless and kept waking up. Mike almost crawled out of the bed at eight and sat down at the kitchen table while ignoring Michelle’s worried looks.

He felt like a fucking T-Rex ate him and shat him out again.

His mind drifted back towards the day he had made the greatest arse out of himself that had ever existed, and again, he felt the bitter loathing for himself when he remembered both Anders’s and Gaia’s faces.

And that was when he felt it. That strange little tug in his mind, that bone deep feeling telling him without doubt where he needed to go.

All tiredness vanished, he jumped up, grabbed his mobile and texted Ty:

_I got her_


	25. Leave the road and memorize

* * *

Anders looked up when the door to the office flew open rather forcefully, and leaned back with a confused frown as he watched Ty and Mike storm towards his desk.

“Dawn, we have to borrow Anders,” Ty said, a smile on his face that looked both nervous and excited.  
“Oh.” Dawn looked up at him with her professional _Play-Along-To-Unexpected-Circumstances_ expression. “Okay.”  
“I am not going to be...” Anders started to protest, but Mike took hold of his arm and hauled him out of the chair.   
“You are coming with us.”  
“Mikkel, what the fuck...”   
“Shut up and get going.”

With an angry huff, Anders adjusted the collar of his jacket, put on his shades and, with a last glance at Dawn who had her smile firmly plastered onto her face, followed Ty outside, Mike on his heels.

“Get in the car,” Mike said as Ty slipped into the backseat.  
“For fuck’s sake, Mikkel, you’re not the fucking Mafia, you know.”  
“Get in the car, Anders.”

With a sigh, Anders fell into the passenger seat and fastened his seatbelt while Mike did the same before starting the engine.

“Care to tell me where we’re going, at least?”  
“You’ll see,” was Mike’s reply. The truth was, he wasn’t quite sure where exactly he was going, he was just following his homing instinct. And that instinct now guided him through the streets, pulling him along, not failing him once. Not one moment, not a second of doubt. 

“What the fuck are we doing here?” Anders said, his voice full of distrust and apprehension, as Mike pulled into the parking lot at Mission Bay Beach.  
“You’ll see,” Ty said, voice smug and eyes sparkling as they got out of the car.

At that moment, Anders suddenly saw daylight.

“No. Forget it. I’m out of here.”  
“Anders, stop.” Mike grabbed his sleeve, and Anders tore himself out of his grip.  
“You are out of your fucking mind,” he snarled. “Have you been stalking her? Or have you been setting this up like some sort of fucked-up tête-à-tête?”  
“Anders...” Mike began.   
“Shut the fuck up, Mike. You’re fucking sick! I told you she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore! I don’t know and I don’t fucking care what you said to her but I am not going there! You can tell her that I, as opposed to you, can respect...”

“Anders, listen,” Mike interrupted him calmly. “She doesn’t know we’re here. And I haven’t been stalking her.”  
“And what...”  
“I’ve tracked her,” Mike went on. “I’ve been having a very one-sided conversation with a certain god for the last two weeks until finally, last night, it clicked. I know what you told me she had said. But shit... Anders, I had to try. And now go and talk to her. Face to face. I’m sure you can make her see that she doesn’t have to worry about... any kind of relapse. She’s staying at a hotel right now and that means she is really about to leave the country, so...”  
“You’re fucking...” Anders blinked when the realisation hit him. “You... you did what?”  
Mike put a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t ask me how. Ty and I just remembered what you talked about after waking up in the hospital. And I thought it couldn’t hurt to try and well...” He dropped the hand and indicated down towards the beach. “Here we are.”

Anders was in the rare situation that words failed him utterly. He kept staring at his older brother who returned the look, neither smug nor angry. 

“Go down there, Anders. You can’t make it worse, but there’s a slim chance to make it better.”  
“She explicitly told me she didn’t want to see me again.”  
“No, she told you she didn’t want to talk to you anymore.”  
“Jesus Christ, can you stop the finickiness? I am not going there.”  
“Anders, for Christ’s sake...”  
“You... I know you caused the whole mess and I understand you want to fix it, but this is beyond fixing. I appreciate your efforts, even if it creeps me the fuck out that there seem to be gods involved, but I. Am. Not. Going. There.”

“But this is your last chance, Anders!” Ty said, looking at him almost imploringly.  
“Wrong.” Anders crossed his arms. “My last chance was that Saturday when I called her and fucked it up because I ended up drunk and with another woman in my bed.”

Mike suddenly took a step forward and lowered his voice. Crowding Anders and pushing him back against the car, he almost growled at him. “You are going down there or I swear to every god that I will club you into insensibility and drag you there.”  
Anders froze and slowly, put on his shades. “I am not going there.”  
“You are.”  
“Make me.”  
“Ty,” Mike said simply, and both he and Ty grabbed one of Anders’s arms each and honest to goodness dragged him away from the car.

“Stop that!” Anders yelled, absolutely mortified. Being forced to talk to her was bad enough, but being dragged there by his hair and being dumped at her feet would be an absolutely abysmal cataclysm and a humiliation he would never recover from. “Fine. Fine! Let go of me you bloody fuckers!”

Ty and Mike let go but neither of them relaxed. Angrily and now with shaking hands, Anders straightened the lapels of his jacket and rolled his shoulders. “Assholes,” he muttered. “I swear I’ll get you for this.”  
“Good luck,” Mike said, and both he and Ty stood back, watching him head for the beach promenade.

Anders stomach dropped so hard it had to be somewhere in the vicinity of his ankles when he could spot her. She was staring out across the beach and had her head turned away from him, probably looking towards Waiheke Island. His throat almost too dry to swallow, he slowly approached her.

Her shoulders tighten when she heard his steps behind her but she didn’t turn around.   
“Gaia,” he said softly, and god, his voice sounded as if we was mid-puberty vocal change.  
She sighed, and finally, she did turn around. “Why did you do this?” Her voice was low and rough as well.  
Anders looked at his feet for a moment. “I... I had to talk to you. One last time. I just couldn’t...”  
“You couldn’t let it rest.” She sounded hurt. “I asked you to leave it be.”  
“I know. I couldn’t.”

Gaia shook her head with another heavy sigh. “Anders, you are only making this worse. I honestly don’t know what I should say now apart from the things I already have.”  
“You didn’t say them, though.” Anders cleared his throat. “You wrote them.”  
Gaia narrowed her eyes.  
“Look, I know I can’t do anything but apologize. If I could go back I’d kick myself where it hurts most, and so hard that I would forget about the very existence of women for at least a week. I can’t, though. Maybe you want to finish the job?”

She shook her head and crossed her arms a little tighter. “Why?”  
Anders could no longer meet her eyes. “You know... I know that sounds pretty fucked up, but when I couldn’t find you...”  
“Wait.” Gaia leaned a little forward. “Couldn’t find me?”  
He managed to look at her again. “I came to your place, and even to the coffee shop. I couldn’t find you. And the only thing I thought of was that I didn’t want to home alone. So I headed for my favourite club and... and one thing led to another. I got drunk and thought I could make myself forget about you because... you seemed to have shut down on me.” He cleared his throat. “Not that it still wasn’t a shit ass idea to take her home.”

Now it was Gaia’s turn to look at her feet. “I was at Axl’s place,” she said slowly. “I couldn’t make up my mind if I should answer your calls at all, and then I thought that if you called me so many times you probably meant it and made the terrific plan of showing up at your place with a cake and ready for make up sex.” She met his eyes again. “That kind of backfired.”  
Anders pressed his lips together. “I totally freaked out when I came back and Katy told me you’d been there while I was taking a walk and trying to get my head around why I had taken her home in the first place.”

Their eyes met for a long moment.

“Anders,” Gaia finally said. “It explains things, but it doesn’t change anything. I still watched you die. And I still have the feeling that it was largely my fault that it had come to that. And I still can’t bear the thought of being with you and having to constantly fear for your life and living in suspense twenty-four seven.”  
“Gaia.” He had to swallow the lump in his throat. “I won’t do it again. I know I died, and I fucking remember far more of it than is good for my peace of mind. And that is one thing I am sure of: I won’t go there again.”

Gaia took a tiny step back and tilted her head. 

“I swear, Gaia. I had a lot of thinking to do and I did. And I know that my life is a pile of crap but I am trying to change things. I am even trying to change me. I don’t want to be the man I was before anymore. I want to be someone new. Someone better... a better man. And this is it, Gaia, this is the new Anders.” He spread his arms. “And he’s all yours... if you will have him.”  
“No.” She shook her head. “I can’t. I just can’t. You say that now, but what happens when I make another mistake? And I will make a mistake, I’m only human.”  
“Then we will talk about it and put it right! I make mistakes too, and...”  
“No, Anders.” She sighed. “The thought of going back there is creeping me out. It scares the crap out of me. “Don’t you understand? I’m fucking scared, Anders. I want to be with you, I really do, but the thought of being with you scares me. I’m about to go to pieces, and I thought I could get away from this, but here you are.”  
“I... I’m sorry.”

Gaia just shrugged. “I’m sorry, too,” she said again. “I’m sorry it had to end like this. But I can’t... I can’t go back. I’m sorry. But I’ll be gone for good now, so maybe you can move on. I already bought a ticket.”  
“You’re running away again,” Anders said tonelessly.   
“I know.”   
“Don’t go, babe.”  
“Please stop calling me that.” Then she took a step back. “Bye, Anders. I really wish...” She broke off with a sigh. “Bye.”

Anders watched her turn around and walk away. “Bye, Gaia,” he whispered, but she was already out of earshot. Slowly, he turned towards the beach and stared across the waters towards the islands rising out of the bay.

* * *

Everything had been in place. And she had thought she had tied the loose ends up this time. But apparently, a mail hadn’t been enough. And if she was being honest with herself, it really wasn’t. She was still a coward. But now, after having said all those things to him in person, she should have felt better.   
But she didn’t.

She needed to get away again. Had given notice to both her landlord and her boss, had gathered her belongings and moved back to the hotel. She was exactly where she had been before that night in the parking deck: On her way back to Europe. She had the ticket in her bag and the taxi would pick her and her things up in half an hour. 

She had just wanted to take a last look at Waiheke. 

Yes, she was running away again. She was running away from her friends, her home and the man she loved. Because she couldn’t bear the thought of being with him anymore. Because she was afraid of making a mistake and pushing him too far. She hadn’t lied to him; it was nothing but the truth. 

It was only then she realised she had come to a halt. With a heavy sigh and a shake of her head she turned around again.

Anders was still standing where she had left him; he was staring across the bay and had taken off his shades. But just as she was about to turn away again, he dropped his head and dug the heel of his hand first into one eye, then the other. 

Gaia had thought her heart was already broken, but discovered now that it wasn’t. It did so now, and she turned around and clenched her fists.

“I can’t,” she whispered. The thought alone of being around him and waiting for the hammer to fall made her stomach clench. She started walking again, but after only three steps, stopped again to cast one last glance at him over her shoulder.

He wasn’t alone anymore. 

Ty was now standing at his side and Mike on the other, and Ty’s hand rested on Anders’s shoulder as the latter shrugged and seemed to tell him what she had said. And Gaia watched as Ty closed both arms around his brother and pulled him into a tight embrace, while Mike stepped closer and ran a hand up and down between Anders’s shoulder blades.

Gaia wasn’t aware of her tears until her vision suddenly blurred. Now it was her turn to wipe her eyes and she realised she was walking back without having made a conscious decision to do so.

She could see Ty tense as he spotted her, and in turn, Anders hunched his shoulders. He hastily put his shades back on before he slowly turned around to look at her, now flanked by his two brothers.

For an agonizingly long moment, they just stared at each other.

“What are they doing here?” Gaia finally asked in a carefully controlled voice.   
“Moral support,” Mike replied.   
Ty crossed his arms and shifted his stance so he was leaning the slightest bit towards Anders.

Gaia looked back and forth between the two and her eyes rested on Mike who squared his shoulders and thrust out his chin.

“I owe you a serious apology,” Mike finally said to her. “I caused all this mess. I wanted to help him fix it. It’s my fault this happened, and it’s also my fault he’s here now. I tracked you down and dragged him along.”  
“And how did you track me?” Gaia asked, a trace of anger in her voice.  
“I had a long time to think and beg a favour from a certain god.”

It took Gaia a moment, but when the realisation sunk in, she felt her knees begin to weaken.

“You begged your powers back from Ullr and he... he listened?”  
“Well I don’t think I have them back for good. But I had to try. For Anders.”

For the second time, Gaia looked back and forth between Ty and Mike until she finally looked at Anders, his eyes hidden behind his shades.

“They’re with you,” she said slowly. It wasn’t a question and it wasn’t stating the bloody obvious either. She was coming to a conclusion and needed it confirmed.  
Anders nodded.   
“Why? You were never on good terms.”  
“That was before,” Anders replied slowly. “We worked it out.”  
“We have each others’ back now,” Ty added. “Petty grievances aren’t worth losing a brother over.”

Nodding slowly, Gaia took a step forward, trying to look into Anders’s eyes, a feat that was made difficult by his shades. 

“They got your back,” she whispered.  
Anders nodded.   
“You’re no longer alone.”  
He shook his head.   
“No more _Them-vs-Us_.”  
“No.”  
“And they would be there for you if anything happens.”  
“Yes.” There was not a trace of doubt in his voice.

After another long pause Gaia continued, her voice even lower now.

“I wouldn’t be the only one having to see you through.”  
Anders’s voice was a husky whisper. “No.”

At the edge of their consciousness, both registered that Ty and Mike slowly and cautiously retreated. 

With trembling hands, Gaia reached out and slowly picked the shades of his face. As she put them down beside them on the wall, she looked at his eyes that were still slightly reddened. Another step forward, and they were now so close that they could feel each other’s breath.

Gaia heaved a sigh. “Oh Anders,” she whispered. “I don’t know anymore which one of us is the moth and who is the candle flame.”  
“Maybe we’re both moths,” Anders gave back in a rough and low voice. “Chasing each other around and around the flame in circles. And every time one of us changes direction the other follows suit.”  
“And we can’t meet because we’d burn.”  
“Unless we manage to blow the candle out.”

They both had leaned in towards each other and their foreheads almost touched. 

“And how would we do that?”  
The ghost of a smile tugged at Anders’s lips. “We would try and flap our wings really hard.”

Their eyes met. 

Anders suddenly bit his upper lips while Gaia pressed hers tightly together. She wallowed hard and something hitched in Anders’s throat. 

“We’re not...” Gaia couldn’t finish the sentence because her voice trembled under a strain she could hardly control.  
“We are,” Anders replied, his voice trembling as well. 

Gaia exhaled sharply through her nose and Anders couldn’t suppress a tiny little snort. That did it for Gaia and a slightly hysterical squeak forced itself out between her tightly clenched lips, and she pressed her fingers against her mouth as Anders shook his head with a shaky chuckle. They were both aware of the utter absurdity of the situation, and could still no longer contain themselves. 

They both erupted into a helpless fit of giggles and chuckles and could only slowly calm down again. 

When their breathing slowed down they leaned forward again until their foreheads finally touched and Gaia first rested her hands on Anders’s shoulders, then moved them down to hold on to his upper arms. With a slow and hesitant move, his hand shaking like mad, Anders reached out to cup her cheek and Gaia closed her eyes as she leaned into the touch.

“We’re hopeless,” she whispered and opened her eyes again.  
“Totally, completely, utterly hopeless.” Anders ran his thumb across her cheekbone.

And then they both closed their eyes and their lips touched in a feather light kiss.

Breathing heavy, they leaned closer to each other to kiss again, and this time both of them opened their lips into the kiss. Gaia let go of his arms and threw them around his neck, one hand burying itself into his hair as Anders closed his arms around her and pulled her close. Gentle gave way to passionate as their kiss became more intense, full of longing and a hunger that could hardly be slaked. 

Completely oblivious of everything but each other, they never even noticed Ty’s and Mike’s high five as the two retreated towards the parking lot. They kept grinning like idiots as they sat down in the car, and Ty took out his mobile and immediately texted Axl.

Ty and Mike exchanged another grin before looking over their respective shoulders again. Anders and Gaia still hadn’t parted from each other and with another grin, they high-fived again and settled into their seats while Mike switched the radio on.


	26. Strength and courage overrides

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter contains explicit sexual content and Gaia throwing Anders a curve.**  
>  (And yes, the mentioned article does exist, research for fanfiction is always extremely entertaining as well as educational.)
> 
> * * *

* * *

When they finally broke the kiss, both breathing heavy and fast, they immediately slung their arms around each other and held on as tightly as they could.

“I’m so sorry,” Gaia muttered into the crook of his neck.  
“So am I.” Anders buried his face into her hair and god, it was still the same fragrance of herbs and flowers from the herbal shampoo she always used. “And I want to go back in time and not do all that stupid shit.”  
Gaia leaned back at that to look at him. “I would, too.” She ran her fingers through his hair. “But the only thing we can do is take it from here.”

Anders managed a smile at that, and Gaia’s answering smile softened when she trailed her fingers down his face and across his dimples that deepened under her gentle touch.

“Will you come back?” Anders asked in a low voice, his hand resting on her hips.  
She blinked a few times in confusion. “What?”  
“Will you come back,” Anders said again. “The ticket. You said you bought a ticket, and I just want to know...”  
Gaia shut him up by pressing a finger onto Anders’s lips. 

Then she took a step back, dug into her bag and produced the envelope containing her booking confirmation and all the other paperwork regarding the flight. She looked up at Anders, ripped the whole thing apart and stuffed the shreds into the front pocket of his jacket while she watched Anders’s face turning from wary to relieved amusement.

“I want to go home,” she said with a sad little smile. “But I don’t have one at present, and I even checked out of my room already.”  
“Oh,” Anders replied and took both her hands in his. “If you need a place to crash for a few nights...”  
“Really?”  
“Really.” Anders kissed both her hands repeatedly. “We can watch movies and eat popcorn.”  
Gaia tried not to giggle but it was a near thing. “I’d love that. Any movies in particular on your mind?”  
Anders let go of her hands and closed his arms around her hips again, a lopsided smile on his face that accentuated his left dimple. “I heard bad movies with monsters played by guys in ridiculous rubber suits work miracles for stagnant relationships.”

For a second Gaia looked so gobsmacked – eyes wide, mouth falling open and nose crinkling – that Anders couldn’t contain his laughter. At that moment Gaia’s brain got into gear again and she joined him, and guffawing they fell against each other before they embraced again. Their laughter only slowly calmed down.

When Gaia leaned back again, she had a soft smile on her face. “Sounds terrific. So you really don’t mind if I crowd your place for a while?”  
“You can crowd me all you want,” Anders gave back and slung an arm around her hips. They slowly began to head for the parking lot. “And as long as you want, too.”  
“I don’t know,” Gaia said slowly. “Your flat might be a little small for two people over a prolonged period of time.”  
“Probably. But I can’t see myself getting tired of your company anytime soon.”  
Gaia smiled at him and lowered her eyelids. “You have a lot of movies to watch?”  
“Lots and lots,” was the cocky reply. “Apart from that, my new goal in life is to take you on every available surface.”  
Gaia slowed down a little and rubbed herself closer against him. “Promises...” She whispered.

Neither Anders’s nor Gaia’s voice was as steady as they would have liked. Too deep was the emotional uproar they were still caught in to truly fall back into the easy teasing of before, but it was a tremendous relief that they could still do it, even if it was a little hesitant and nervous. 

“Promises.” Anders chuckled into her hair after pressing a kiss onto her temple. “I am a man of my word, Gaia.”  
“Are you?”  
“New Anders, remember?”  
“Yes, I do remember.” She turned her head to look at him. “I am really looking forward to find out more about him.”  
“Take your time,” Anders replied and cradled her face in his hands. “I’m not going anywhere.” He kissed her again, slow and deep, and she slung her arms around him again, her fingers carding through his hair.

It was only after they leaned back, smiling at each other under lowered eyelids, that a movement at the edge of their vision made them aware of the fact they were being watched. They both looked up to see Ty and Mike lean against the car, identical satisfied grins on their faces.

“Look at them,” Anders said. “Smooth, motherfucking Cheshire cats.”  
“Need a lift back to the hotel?” Mike asked Gaia, an innocent smile on his face.  
“Or you could stay with us!” Ty’s grin was bright and wide and slightly manic. “We got two extra bedrooms!” Gaia closed her mouth again and tried to think of a reply when Ty burst out laughing. “Come on, I was just shitting you!”

“But you do need a lift, Mike sad again, without the sly smile this time.  
“I guess I do, because...” She glanced at her watch. “I just missed the taxi to the airport.”

Mike’s smile froze and slowly slid off his face as Ty visibly deflated. Then Anders and Gaia exchanged a look, but couldn’t keep it together for more than a second before they started grinning again

Mike crossed his arms with a deep sigh. “You are a very fine addition to the family.”  
“Me?” Gaia feigned innocence. “You sure? I’ve been brought up by a vegetarian giant who killed my parents before adopting me.”  
“Perfect.” Ty rubbed his hands. “So you know all about dysfunctional families.”  
“Can we...” Anders cut in. “Maybe not move quite that fast for a second?”  
“Shut up, Anders,” Mike said with a small grin. “And get in the car.”

Anders had to avoid Gaia’s eyes as he got into the car, but just as Gaia sat down on the backseat beside him he remembered his sunglasses. “Crap, I forgot my shades.”  
“Don’t sweat,” Ty gave back and shut the door. “I’ll go get them.”

When Ty came back, thirty seconds later and not the slightest bit out of breath, he fell into the passenger seat and handed Anders his shades. As he took them, Ty’s fingers closed around his for a second and the accompanying grin made Anders smile back in return.

* * *

Mike and Ty had carried one of Gaia’s suitcases upstairs and vanished with nothing more than a grin. And as soon as Anders had closed the door, Gaia grabbed him by the front of his jacket and pushed him against the wall. 

“Babe?” Anders asked with a jittery smile

As an answer, Gaia claimed his lips in a hungry and fiery open-mouthed kiss. Anders closed his arms around her hips and opened his lips to the kiss with a soft little moan and let her assault him. She kept pushing against him, pressing their bodies together, while digging one of her thighs into his groin.  
Heat flushed through his whole body now. She had acted like this before, and he normally preferred to be in control of the pace of events himself. But he discovered now that he didn’t mind at all letting her take it from him. 

This... this hunger, this fiery passion, the feral look in her eyes as she leaned back... he had never seen Gaia like this. It was turning him on like nothing had ever before.  
He tried to say something and realised he had no idea what. His breath caught in his throat when she reached for his face and rested both her palms against his cheeks and leaned forward again. 

“I have a gift for you,” she breathed against his lips.  
“Babe...” Anders licked his lips. “I don’t really want anything else but you right now.”  
She touched his lips with her, a soft brush of lips on lips. “I’ve had it for ages, and I meant to give it to you when... for when we would make up.” She placed another of those feather light kisses onto his lips. “And even when I thought it would never happen I couldn’t bring myself to throw it away. Good thing I didn’t.”  
Anders felt a lump in his throat when he heard those words. “Oh babe,” he whispered, and then had no idea how to continue.  
But Gaia just smiled at him and said: “Close your eyes.”

His heart in his throat, Anders leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. He felt her hands move from his face to his shoulders, then to his collar and towards his tie. A gentle tug and pull and she had it undone and from the sound of it, threw it away as far as she could. His smile vanished, however, when she dug her hands behind the collar of his shirt and literally tore it apart with a force that made the buttons fly. 

His eyes flew open “Fuck! Gaia, what...”  
Her mouth crashed against his and Anders could only moan feebly as one of her hands scratched gently down his chest while the other palmed his crotch.  
Anders closed his eyes again and tried to calm his breathing. “Why did you do that? What has that poor shirt ever done to you?”  
“It was in my way,” Gaia breathed into his ear in a tantalizing whisper before she trailed a line of kisses down his neck towards his collarbone.  
“You could’ve asked...” Anders swallowed hard when she gently dug her teeth into his skin. How could her bossing him around like that possibly be so arousing? “God... babe, what are you doing to me...”

Gaia pulled away from him with a chuckle and left Anders clinging to the wall, trying to keep his head from spinning. He could hardly recognize her. And it was hot as fuck.  
He could hear her open the zipper from one of her suitcases and after some rummaging, could hear the zipper of a smaller bag. After some more rummaging, he could hear her get up and return. 

The next sound, however, was something he couldn’t identify. It was a soft, short hiss. When he heard it again, however, he thought it might be a spray of some sort. And that left him more puzzled than before. He could feel her reach for his hand. “Eyes closed,” she whispered as she pressed something into his hand. It was small and round and hard, made of glass or plastic. A bottle of spray? It still left him clueless.

Any coherent thoughts left him at that moment, however, when he could feel her kneel down. His heart was now racing so hard and fast that Anders was sure it would break his ribs any moment. Then Gaia opened the button, undid the zipper and slowly opened his fly.  
Anders hadn’t been aware he had been holding his breath and was about to asphyxiate until his breath escaped him in a shameless moan when she kissed his rock hard cock through the fabric of his briefs.

And then he felt them, her clever, gentle hands, felt them push down his trousers, and even more gentle, his briefs. His dick was so hard it almost hurt, and the sensation of her breath grazing the sensitive skin didn’t help. “Babe,” he rasped drily. “God... what are you doing to me...” Followed by a high-pitched gasp when her lips touched the tip of his trembling cock. 

Speaking coherently, even thinking straight became impossible after that. He felt her lips close around him, her tongue playing with the foreskin before she moved forward. And moved forward. Another low moan forced himself out of Anders’s throat as he felt himself enveloped by the wet heat of her mouth, further and further, and even as he tried to say something, tried to tell her not to go there, as he somewhat anxiously waited for the hitch in her breath that he knew was the sign of her having moved too far... it didn’t come.

He moaned again, unchecked and uncontrolled, thoughtless, brainless, open-mouthed sounds, as her nose touched his neatly trimmed pubic hair and he felt the tip of his dick touch the back of her throat.

He couldn’t help it. He had to look. And as he lowered his eyes, vision almost cloudy with raw lust, he found her look up at him, eyelids lowered, and smile at him around his dick between her lips.  
“God... oh god...” His legs began to tremble. It was almost too much. “Babe...”

Gaia closed her eyes again and pulled back until the tip of his dick rested against her lower lips, and used her tongue to toy with him. Anders had no longer any control over the sounds he made and he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore. Her lips closed again around him, and she moved forward, not one smooth motion but little bobs of her head, and again, until she had him completely engulfed. She pulled back and with the next move forward, Anders came with a hoarse shout loud enough to hurt his throat. 

He almost passed out when he felt her swallow, and when she finally released him, he could no longer keep himself upright; he slowly slid down the wall, eyes still closed, and his breathing only very slowly calmed down. 

“You should see yourself right now,” he heard her chuckle softly. “You look positively filthy.”  
Anders cracked one eye open. It was all he could do at present.  
Gaia shrugged, a very smug smile on her face but with her pupils still widened. “You shirt is torn, you have a rather prominent hickey, and your dick is hanging out of your trousers.” Her smile widened and her eyelids dropped a little. “All in all, it looks as if you had a smashing good time.”  
Anders could only answer with a still somewhat breathless huff. 

She leaned forward and kissed him, her lips tasting of bitter salt and...  
“Strawberry?” His eyes flew open and he could only stare at her.  
Gaia’s reply was a merry little chuckle. “I can’t tell you how happy I am that it worked.”  
“Strawberry?” He moistened his lips with his tongue. “You put strawberry flavour on my dick?”  
“No.” She placed a kiss onto the tip of his nose, and he caught another whiff of strawberry together with his own scent. It was intoxicatingly erotic and he felt heat pool in his abdomen. “The strawberry flavour is only a side effect.”

Anders was aware that he was ogling her like an idiot, but he couldn’t help himself.

“The present.” Gaia reached out and closed her hand around his that was, as he now realised, still clutching whatever it was she had put there earlier. She pulled his hand forward and as he opened it, he looked at a small spray bottle in his palm, the label reading _[Deep Throat Oral Anaesthetic Spray Sweet Strawberry](http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41tCSX6ruCL.jpg)_

His breath caught in his throat and his eyes suddenly burned. He could hardly meet her eyes as he looked up at her again.

“You got this... for me?”  
Gaia nodded, her smile a bit more shy now.  
“Babe...” He shook his head and closed his eyes. “God, you...” His voice broke and words failed him utterly.  
Gaia climbed over his legs and settled down beside him to close both arms around him.  
Anders could only drop his head onto her shoulder. “Gaia...” His voice was wavering; he was drowning in a million emotions right now.

Gaia pressed a kiss onto his temple and combed her fingers through his hair. They remained like that until Anders had gotten himself under some sort of control again and was able to look at her again. He still had no words, but he rested his hand on her cheek with what had to be the most lovesick smile ever. Then she leaned forward and with their eyes closing, they kissed again, sweet and tender, and Anders felt the thought brush his mind that maybe he could get used to the taste of strawberry again.

* * *

After Anders had been able to move again he had exchanged the suit and tattered shirt for a pair of joggers and a T-shirt, and as he now walked back towards the kitchen he found Gaia already puttering about and making popcorn.

“Movie?” He asked with a smile.  
“Yes.” She had obviously found the beer in the fridge and had equipped herself with a bottle. “And I don’t really care which one.”  
Anders closed in on her and rested his hands on her hips. “And what about you, babe?”  
“What do you mean?”  
He leaned forward and trailed a line of kisses from her cheek down to her jawbone and down her neck. “I just spectacularly came my brains out,” he whispered against her skin. “So what about you?”  
Gaia leaned back against the kitchen counter and closed her eyes. “You seem to have a plan.”  
“No, not really.” He gently nipped the skin of her neck which elicited a soft gasp. “I’m sort of making it up as I go along.”

Gaia buried her fingers into his hair with a chuckle and let her head fall back as he trailed small kisses and gentle bites down her throat. His hands moved up from her hips and cupped her breasts, and Anders smiled against her skin when he felt her nipples harden; he brushed them with his thumbs and Gaia inhaled sharply and let the air escape again with a huff.

His hands now wandered down again as he kissed her, and slowly found their way under her skirt as their kiss deepened. With his fingers sliding into her panties to cup and fondle her buttocks he broke the kiss and leaned back, meeting Gaia’s eyes with a smile. She was panting now, eyes wide, and his gaze never left hers as he very slowly lowered himself onto his knees without letting go of her panties. 

A touch to her ankles and Gaia lifted first one foot, then the other, and watched with fast and heavy breaths as Anders lifted her skirt and placed a kiss below her navel. His tongue trailed across her skin, lower until he reached the triangle of soft, black curls, and with his hands moving back to her buttocks he muttered: “Spread those lovely legs for me, babe.”

Her hands gripping the edge of the counter she did so, and her head fell back with a deep, throaty moan when she felt first his fingers and then something warm and soft and slippery dig into her. Unconsciously she opened her legs even more and her moans pitched higher and higher, and Anders emitted sinful little hums as he gently spread her with his fingers while he worked her with lips and tongue.

Her high moans turned into high pitched gasps interspersed with his name uttered in a ragged voice and then she came with a scream, thrusting out her hips while riding his tongue before her strength left her and she slowly folded into his waiting arms. 

“How do you do that,” she muttered weakly into his shoulders after several minutes of retaliation.  
“Do what?” His voice sounded unbelievably smug.  
“You always know exactly what to do to me. It’s almost as if you know my body better than I do.”  
Anders chuckled into her hair and lifted his chin with a finger. “It’s a knack,” he said with a smile and pecked a kiss onto her lips before they picked themselves up from the kitchen floor.

With what she knew had to be an utterly idiotic smile on her face Gaia put her panties back on as Anders vanished into the bathroom to wash his face, and when he emerged again she had readied the popcorn and two more beers. 

After settling down on the sofa, Anders first and Gaia snug against him with the popcorn bowl in her lap, Anders took the remote and stopped zapping at the first movie he encountered. It mattered little, because after no more than five minutes the movie was the last thing on their minds.

They were so lost in deep and passionate kisses and roaming hands seeking their way under clothes that neither of them noticed the popcorn bowl slide from Gaia’s lap and fall to the floor where it rolled away, spilling its contents. There was popcorn scattered everywhere, but that, like the movie, was of no consequence.

To avoid having to bend her head so much Gaia adjusted her position so she was more or less on top of Anders, which gave his hands more freedom to go for her backside and give it a gentle squeeze. Their kisses became even more heated and passionate, caresses turned into groping and fast and heavy breaths into moans. They both didn’t give the fact that they weren’t on a bed a single thought, until Anders shifted her on top of him to get a better grip. Gaia lost her balance, and because she was still holding on to him they both went down over the edge to land in a heap of popcorn. 

They chuckled into the kiss, but were both to whipped up to care. They didn’t even break their kiss, just adjusted themselves and continued to make out, until Gaia had manoeuvred herself on top of him and was grinding her hips down into his groin.

“Babe,” Anders gasped as he broke free from the kiss. “Don’t make me come into my pants...”  
Gaia straightened up and ran her hands under his shirt and down again with her fingernails scraping over his skin. “Do you want me to get your little bottle again?”  
He smiled breathlessly up at her and shook his head. “How about a condom?”

Anders couldn’t help but groan in frustration when he lost the friction as she got up, but was comforted by the knowledge that it was for a greater good. He scrambled onto his feet and staggered into the bedroom, and was already tearing the foil apart when he emerged again. 

Gaia pulled him down and pushed him onto his back, and from the corner of his eyes Anders caught a glimpse of cloth with flower print and lace on the sofa before Gaia dug her hands behind his waistline. He lifted his hips to assist her, and as soon as the condom was in place, she straddled his hips again and lowered herself down. Both of them moaned in unison as his dick slid inside her. 

They soon found a rhythm, and she rode him hard and fast while he thrust up to meet her, and their sharp gasps and moans only ceased when Gaia leaned forward for a messy, hungry kiss. After that she straightened up and arched her back, and as she rocked back and forth Anders reached out and slipped his hand under her skirt. Her moans turned into what could only be described as wails, and while Anders gritted his teeth and tried to keep his thrusts shallow, focussing primarily on his fingers, Gaia ground into him without any reservation. He couldn’t help a relieved shout, her name breaking from his lips like a prayer, when she screamed and clenched around him, and he finally let go and after a few more thrusts, followed her over the edge and into momentary oblivion.

After a few harsh and heavy breaths Gaia carefully lifted her hips while Anders took hold of the condom, and after Gaia had disposed of it in the bin she looked down at Anders – lying flat on his back with his trousers around his knees and surrounded by popcorn– with an affectionate smile that quickly turned into a chuckle. 

Anders opened his eyes and looked up at her.  
“This time you look less filthy and more ridiculous,” she said. “You have popcorn in your hair.”  
Anders sat up with a chuckle and looked around, taking in the mess of smashed and crumbled popcorn. “Jesus...”

The sound of a phone camera made him look up and with a giggle, Gaia knelt down beside him to show him the picture. Anders couldn’t suppress a grin. He had the battered look of a guy just emerged from post-orgasmic bliss and quite a few bits of popcorn in his hair. It was thankfully only a portrait, he didn’t need to look at his rather deflated dick right now to know what he had been up to.

“Should we send that to your brothers to keep them posted about our progress in reunification?”  
“I’d rather you didn’t.” Anders ran his hands through his hair to dislodge the popcorn crumbs. “Is that my phone?”  
Gaia grinned at him while her fingers moved across the screen.  
“Hey! Gimme that!” He tore it out of her hands and saw that he was a second too late. “Who did you send that to?”  
“Axl.” Gaia leaned forward with a grin. “I’m sure he could use a laugh right now...”

The phone announced an incoming text message. Anders glowered at Gaia and looked down at his phone.

Anders looked up at Gaia who couldn’t contain her laughter anymore.

“I get you for this, I swear.”

Gaia reached for the phone again and took a selfie and then looked at herself; her dishevelled hair and the row of hickeys trailing down her neck and collarbone. She sent that picture too, and both Anders and Gaia burst out laughing when they read Axl’s reply.

Anders threw the phone onto the sofa and laboured onto his feet. “Oh for fuck’s sake...” he muttered. “I even got popcorn in the crack of my arse.” He skilfully ignored Gaia’s cackle as he brushed popcorn off various body parts before pulling up his pants again.

“Enjoying yourself?” He asked sweetly as he knelt down beside Gaia who was wiping tears of laughter from her eyes.  
Gaia could only nod.  
“Glad to hear that,” he replied, took hold of her shoulders and leaned forward. “It is my personal aim to keep you as happy as possible.”  
Gaia’s smile faltered and turned soft. “Believe me,” she whispered as she rested her hands on his cheeks. “I don’t think I’ve ever been happier.”  
Anders’s answering smile was warm and soft as well before he kissed her again. 

“Let’s clean this shit up,” he said after he broke the kiss and leaned back. “But don’t think you’re off the hook already.”  
Gaia ran a finger across his lips. “I hope not,” she said coyly. “We have a lot of catching up to do.”  
Anders kissed her finger with a smile.


	27. Hold on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **More explicit sexual content and quite a few tears**
> 
> * * *

* * *

Cleaning up the mess of popcorn took forever, not because of the mess itself but because of frequent interruptions. Gaia and Anders simply could not keep their hands off each other, so there was a lot of kissing, touching and sometimes enthusiastic snogging and groping going on.

Then they ordered pizza for dinner and for the first time in his life, Anders found himself playing footsies under the table. He mentioned as much to Gaia and they shared a laugh, then continued as if nothing had happened. As they ate, Anders told her of the _Earth’s Bounty_ campaign and the huge success it had been, making Gaia blush and feel embarrassed while still smiling a little victoriously. 

On her part, she had little to tell apart from the fact that Steve and his pimply buddy had shown up again a few times and seemingly found out that she was single again. 

“Did he give you any trouble?” Anders tried to bite down on his anger.  
“Not really. Just a pain in the arse.” Gaia shrugged. “He just kept going on with weak attempts at charming me. At least he didn’t show up at the staff entrance again. But since I quit there, I’ll never have to see his face again.”  
“Good riddance.”

Gaia looked at her plate again and her shoulders tensed a little. Anders watched her, he could see she had something heavy on her mind all of a sudden, but he wasn’t really sure how to approach it.

“Babe?” He asked finally, when Gaia remained silent.  
She swallowed and shrugged when she looked up again. “It’s not really my business, is it now, what you did with yourself while we were...”  
“Oh.” Now it was Anders’s turn to look at his plate. “You mean, how many?”  
Gaia couldn’t meet his eyes. “Yes.”

Anders closed his eyes and reminded himself that avoiding the issue would only make her feel worse, so he did a mental inventory. It was surprisingly easy.

“Four in all,” he said and reached for her hand to close his around it. “It felt like more, but honestly, it was only four.”  
Gaia nodded hesitantly, but when he closed his fingers more firmly around hers, she looked up and managed to give him a feeble smile. “As I said it’s not really my business...”  
“Maybe not. But you asked, and I won’t lie to you. I am just not sure if that makes you feel better or worse.”  
“Better, I think.” She returned the squeeze of fingers. “I had imagined it to be lots more.”  
Anders sighed heavily. “I don’t’ know if it makes a difference but it wasn’t anywhere near to what I remembered from... before... us.” He cleared his throat. “It couldn’t compete.”  
Gaia pursed her lips and tilted her head. “Did you think of me?”  
“No,” Anders replied with a shaky little chuckle. “Fuck, no. I didn’t go there. But I thought a lot about you... after.”  
“After?”  
Anders took a deep breath, his tongue darting out to wet his lips. “Honestly, sex felt like like warm beer. From a party last week. And afterwards, when I was alone again...” He shrugged, not meeting her eyes. “I would beat myself off thinking of you.”

“And what did you think of?” Her voice lowered, and when Anders looked up again, he saw her look at him under lowered eyelids. Her feet rubbed his ankles again.   
“Oh...” He smiled crookedly. “Your hands on my skin, your lips on my cock.” He lifted he hand now and kissed her fingertips. “Your lips on mine,” he breathed against her knuckles. “Sometimes I would think of you riding me, and sometimes, I would fuck you into the mattress... and once I even imagined you doing me with a strap-on.”  
Gaia almost chocked on her coke. “Bloody hell...” She wiped her face with the back of her hand. “Are you fucking serious?”

For another first time in his life, Anders felt unfamiliar heat in his face and could only assume he was blushing. He couldn’t meet her eyes anymore. “You asked,” he muttered.   
“I know.” She took their joined hands and closed both of hers around his. “And that turned you on?”  
“Yes,” he forced out between tight lips. “And that says something because normally I am pretty backdoor shy.”

Gaia caressed the back of his hand with her fingers. “I used to think about you and your mouth.” She smiled shyly. “Anders, those lips and that tongue of yours, that’s pure magic, no matter where.”  
At that, Anders could finally look at her again. “Yes, I seem to recall you always enjoyed that.”  
“You just made a point of it only a few hours ago.”  
Anders suggestively licked his lips while looking at her under lowered eyelids. “So I did.”  
Gaia swallowed but raised his hand to her mouth and sucked the tip of his index finger into her mouth.   
“Touché,” Anders whispered with a smile.

They looked at each others, lost in each other’s eyes, before they almost simultaneously let go of their hands and got up.

“Bed,” Gaia muttered and took his hand again.  
“Right behind you, babe,” Anders gave back in a somewhat unsteady voice.

But as they entered the bedroom, Gaia froze. Anders almost ran into her because she had stopped so suddenly, and he stepped cautiously beside her to look at her face. She was staring at the bed. Or rather, at the floor beside it.

“Oh, babe...” Anders whispered and closed both arms around her. She was rigid and seemed like a statue. “Babe? Gaia?”  
She just shook her head.  
“Please, babe, snap out of it. It’s just a memory, please look at me. Look at me, Gaia.”

Gaia still didn’t’ move and Anders let go and stepped directly in front of her. He cradled her face in his hands and managed to catch her eyes. “I’m here, babe. I’m still here, and I won’t ever do stupid shit like that again. I still don’t get what I’m supposed to do or what the reason is for Odin having sent me back, but you’re a large part of why I’m not going there again.”  
“Don’t give me the _I can’t live without you_ shit, Anders. Please don’t, it scares me.”  
Anders smiled gently at her and ran his thumbs across her cheekbones to wipe her tears away. “I won’t,” he said in a low voice. “Because I absolutely can live without you. I just don’t fucking want to.”

Gaia couldn’t suppress a sob, and Anders let go of her face and pulled her close. He didn’t say anything else, he just gently pulled her along towards the bed, helped her get undressed, and settled down beside her under the covers after he had undressed himself. He held her as close as possible, skin to skin, and as he kissed her, he trailed a hand down the soft skin of her belly, slid his hand between her legs and took her home.

This time, when she fell asleep in his arms, it didn’t scare him the slightest bit. He just closed his eyes and sighed, regretting his poor choices and the pain he had caused her, and himself. The new Anders had still a fucking lot of work to do. But then he listened to her breathing and thought that he wasn’t making too poor a job of it for starters.

* * *

Gaia woke up with that slight feeling of irritation when you wake up in a place you can’t remember having fallen asleep in. It took only two heartbeats to remember, however, and with a smile she turned around.

Anders was still asleep, his back towards her. He was lying on his right side, facing the window, his right leg tucked up and the left one stretched out, and he was rolled around and cuddling into the bunched-up blanket. Her vision blurred a little at that, because she remembered having woken up many times like this and watching him wake up. 

The bright December sun cast a warm and golden shaft of light into the bedroom, dancing dust motes like tiny little pinpricks of light. It cast Anders body in a golden sheen, almost giving him a halo that was so sharp she could see every tiny hair on his body. Her heart clenching at the sight she swallowed past the lump in her throat and just let her eyes roam his body instead of her hands. She didn’t want to wake him up yet. His chest moved with his breaths and she listened to his breathing.

Her eyes followed the line of his back and the perfect curve of his hip and buttock, and stopped only briefly at the pale scar on his left hip. She knew he was bothered by it, but to her, it was a part of him, a part of his past that had made him who he was. But she doubted she could ever make him believe her that to her, he was not marred by it. 

“You are so beautiful,” she whispered, but despite the softness of her voice, she saw a twitch in his face. She leaned forward and saw that his left dimple had appeared. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”  
“Oh, I’ve been awake for a while. It’s just that I thought you were watching me and I didn’t want to spoil the moment.” With that, he untangled himself from the blanket and turned around to face her. Both his dimples deepened. “Beautiful, am I?”  
“Most beautiful thing I’ve ever had the pleasure to look at,” she replied as she reached out to trace her fingertips down his cheek. 

Anders closed his eyes and kissed her fingers. Then he leaned forward and claimed her lips in a soft kiss. Gaia slung her arms around him and they moved closer to each other, pressing their bodies together, and with their kisses slowly becoming more passionate, their hands were roaming each other’s skin. 

After breaking the kiss Anders ran the tip of his tongue across the shell of her ear, making her squirm and gasp. “You are beautiful too,” he whispered as he trailed kisses down her jawbone. “I want you so much...”  
“Want you too...” she muttered and slowly, dug her thigh into his groin and against his rapidly hardening dick.

Anders chuckled against the skin of her neck and kept going, leaving a trail of small, soft kisses in his wake. He stopped when he reached her navel and sat up, but only to get a condom ready. Then he leaned over her to let his tongue and lips toy with her right nipple while his fingers did the same with the left one, until she was arching her back with soft, needy moans.   
When he kissed her again, she responded with a fierce passion, opening her lips to his questioning tongue with another soft moan. 

Anders broke the kiss when he felt her fingernails dig into his shoulders, and leaned back with a soft little chuckle. He picked up the condom and put it into place while she watched him under lowered lids. Their eyes met as he positioned himself between her legs, and their breathing picked up speed before he had even touched her.  
Then he lifted her right leg over his shoulder and held it there, then pressed the palm of his other hand onto the curved mound covered in soft, curly hair as he pushed inside her. And as he began to move, he slid his thumb down and let it stroke and circle in the same rhythm he set with his hips.

His eyes closed in bliss, he kept up a slow and gentle pace but thrust in as deeply as he could with each stroke, and after a while he began to alternate light thrusts and more intense stimulation for her with hardly touching her at all while he moved harder and faster himself. When he had her writhing and whining under him, begging him to let her come, he stopped touching her altogether and picked up speed and force. Her moans were heady and loud, as were his own now. And then, when he was about to pass the point of no return, his thumb went back into her and she came seconds later with a hoarse scream. And he let go with that, and with a few more hard and fast thrusts he followed her over the edge, while she was still pulsing around him, his shout a stark contrast to her high-pitched, unchecked moans.

They settled comfortably against each other once they had parted and disposed of the condom, but after a moment or two of letting her breathing calm down, Gaia moved away from him and turned onto her side to look at him. Anders turned as well, and for a long moment, they just looked at each other. 

“This is probably as close as it gets,” Anders said with a smile.  
“What is?”  
“Coming together,” Anders explained. “It’s a myth, I think, about riding out orgasms together. But I think we got pretty close just now.”  
Gaia swallowed and smiled, but her smile was a little feeble.   
“What’s wrong?” Anders took one of her hands to kiss her palm. “Babe?”

After another moment of silence, Gaia lowered her eyes. “Sorry,” she whispered hoarsely.  
“What?” Anders took both her hands and placed gentle kisses onto her knuckles. “What the fuck for?”  
“For the meltdown last night.”  
“Jesus Christ, Babe...” Anders shuffled closer so their foreheads touched. “If anyone is to blame then it’s me for having caused that flashback in the first place. Or rather, having caused the event that caused the flashback.”  
“But if I hadn’t been so...”  
“Babe, there is no need to go back there...”  
“Yes there is!” Gaia leaned away from him. “I can’t help it, I keep thinking about it, I keep remembering it, and I think if I don’t get it out I will...” She closed her eyes. 

“Babe...” Anders reached out and cupped her cheek. “I really don’t think...”  
“I just don’t think I can ever get over how... Anders I killed you...”  
“No, babe. I did it myself.”  
“But if I hadn’t been so... You were so right, back then! I didn’t even give you a second’s benefit of doubt!” Gaia’s voice pitched higher and higher, thick with tears she was trying to hold back. “It was as if I had forgotten everything that had been between us before and... I was completely convinced you cheated on me and I...”  
“Babe...”  
She met his eyes again. “It wasn’t before Mike started to corner you that I realised what I’d been doing,” she whispered huskily. “But by then it was too late. I could see it in your eyes.”

The deep-seated pain in her eyes and her voice made Anders’s heart clench. “Babe, please...” He ran his thumb along her cheekbone. “I wasn’t...” But he had been, hadn’t he? To tell her now he hadn’t been that upset would have been the greatest lie of his life. He sighed and no longer knew what to say or how to act.

“And then...” She couldn’t hold her tears back any longer. “When Mike dragged all those ugly things out into daylight... I was just turned to stone, I couldn’t even think anymore, and I just wanted to get up and stand beside you but before I could get my shit together and do it you were already out of the door. And then I couldn’t catch up with you before...”  
“I know, I lost it pretty badly.”  
“Yes!” Gaia shook her head. “Of course you did! Mike had no right to talk to you and to treat you that way, and I had no right to just take it at face value! I deserved every bit of scorn you heaped on me!”  
“No, no you didn’t. I could have taken it with a little more grace, at least once we were back here and in private...”  
“Anders, you don’t understand. There is no ‘taking this with a little more grace’ when your trust has been broken like that. I hurt you, and I hurt you so badly that you shut yourself off. I could see it, Anders, you just cut yourself off from all those feelings we shared.”

Anders had no idea what to say that could give her any comfort, because he had to face the fact that she was speaking nothing but the plain, ugly truth. 

“Maybe it was Mike’s fault for being so utterly convincing with all that shit he told us. But it was me believing it that was the real problem. I should have told him to stuff it and wait for you, but I didn’t. I just was surrounded by all those Johnsons being nice and sympathetic and feeling sorry and shaking their heads that I completely that I... I was... it was like...”  
“You just got sucked into it?”  
Gaia swallowed and nodded. “I realised it too late. Anders I am so, so sorry.”  
“I know.” He tried to smile, but didn’t really succeed. “I know, babe. And I’m sorry too, I shouldn’t have cut you off like that.”  
Gaia shrugged. “I wrote you off, just like that. I don’t blame you for writing me off in turn. That was my fault alone.”

Anders pressed his lips together and after a moment of thought, met her eyes again. “Not completely now, was it?” He licked his lips with a flick of his tongue. “I am sure that Mike put all his heart to it, radiating righteousness all over the place. And then... I am not exactly a dark horse, am I? The fact that it could have happened exactly that way remains. And that’s the real problem, babe. Two months or so prior, it would have been out of question that things would have happened exactly the way Mike said.”  
“But I should have known better!”  
“Maybe!” Anders leaned back as well and exhaled sharply. “But the thing we had had been going for just about two months! And none of us was thinking about a happily ever after by that time, were we?”  
“And what if we were?” Gaia shook her head and a tear fell down from her chin, leaving a tiny dark circle on the sheet under her. “Because if we weren’t we wouldn’t be here now having this conversation but had long since moved on and gotten over it!”

That brought Anders up short. He desperately tried to think of something, but Gaia had struck a very sore spot, a spot he had very much denied existed.

“If we had not been thinking about this... us... being more than just a fling...” She took a deep breath, but her voice was unsteady and painfully high-pitched. Another dark spot appeared next to the first one on the sheet. “Then why did you get back in touch with me, trying to fix things? Why did I show up here, trying to make up? If we both hadn’t thought this was something worth holding on to, why didn’t we move on and forget about it?”

They stared at each other, and suddenly the gulf between them was back, painful and gaping like a wound. 

“I fucked it up, though.” Anders’s voice was hoarse and trembling. “I fucked it up so bad...” He broke off.  
“Yes, you fucked up. And I still don’t really understand why.”  
Anders shrugged. “I was getting along. But then the _Earth’s Bounty_ campaign kicked off and I had a magazine on my desk one morning with a whole page advert. And I looked at the goddess in the picture and her smile...” His voice caught and he cleared his throat. “The smile that I put there, babe...” He trailed off and closed his eyes. “I asked Axl for your number when I got home. I couldn’t... I couldn’t hide anymore. I was hiding from something I wanted to forget but that hadn’t forgotten me. It’s... but I’m a coward, a fucking pathetic coward. It took me all week to bring myself to call you and then you... I only got your voice mail and I couldn’t bring myself to talk to that, either.”

Gaia was shaking her head, cheeks wet, and the dark spots turned into a pattern. 

“I drove to your place but you weren’t home. I drove by the coffee shop and you weren’t there either. And then it was waiting for you to call back... or not. The thought of sitting home alone and waiting for a phone call was driving me nuts so I went out to the club. And that turned out to be the worst fucked up idea I ever had.” Anders furiously shook his head. “I got drunk, and by the time you still hadn’t come back to me, and I thought that’s it, it’s over, there’s no going back, and I made myself believe I could get over you if I distracted myself with more booze and a fuck.” His voice shook and he was unable to meet her eyes. “I never felt so disgusted by myself than when I’d woken up that morning. I told her I had a meeting for a photo shoot and she told me she’d borrow my shower and let herself out. I was fucking annoyed when I came back and she was still there. And you could’ve knocked me out with a feather when she told me you’d been here.”

“I should have called you and checked instead of just showing up,” Gaia whispered.  
“Maybe you should have done that, babe. Because after she had finally fucked off I did my best at getting drunk again to knock myself out. And then I heard Axl’s message. And I kept thinking that I was going to be a pariah again, and that I’d never hear the end of this because everyone would think I did that on purpose. On purpose! As if I’d ever stoop so low to concoct a bitchy scheme like that!”  
“I never thought that!” Gaia cut in. “I swear, I never thought you did it because of that. I didn’t get why, I had no idea what had gone wrong there, but I never thought for a second you did it on purpose to hurt me!”  
“Then where did Axl get that notion from?”  
“Fuck if I know! I tried to stop him from calling you but he was so furious he was about to break the furniture. Sheila was ready to tackle him and knock some sense into him so he only gave you a very washed out version of what he had been spewing out after I told him what happened!”

“Jesus, babe...” Anders ran his hands through his hair. “I had venom dripping out of the speaker of my phone. I thought I was never going to be able to look any of my brothers into the eye. I thought they would never want to talk or even look at me! ”  
“I know. But I was just too dumbstruck by what I’d seen to do anything about it. And when I finally got myself to call you...” Here her voice broke and turned into a shaky, halting whisper. “I was terrified. You picked up but didn’t reply, and when I asked you if you were okay you just croaked ‘no’... and I was terrified. Axl was convinced you were only drunk...”  
“Well I fucking was! I had emptied a whole bottle of vodka s fast as I could!”  
“But you weren’t only drunk when I called you!”  
“No...” Anders was breathing heavily now, same as Gaia. “Because I was only thinking about the pile of crap I was in and would never be able to get out of again. I kept thinking of fucking off, buying a one-way ticket and leaving everything behind. And at the same time I only wanted to knock myself out but I had run out of booze, so I took a pill to just fucking sleep. And that’s when I got the glorious idea that those fucking pills were a one-way ticket as well and took all of them because I thought I was doing myself and everyone else a favour!”

Gaia shook her head again. Beneath her, the small dark spots had turned into a dark wet splotch of moisture that steadily grew. 

“I watched you die, Anders. When we came here and found you, and I tried to turn you around... god, you were so limp... far more than anyone who just passed out from booze should be. And when Sheila found the bottle I felt as if I started to fall without ever hitting the ground. I felt your pulse... and then it stopped. Under my fingers, Anders you died under my hands!” She ended with a throat searing sob.   
Anders tried to close his arms around her to pull her close, but she resisted, forcing herself to look into his eyes with all the strength she had left. “We could only keep you hanging on until the ambulance arrived. We could only follow the ambulance and sit around in the waiting room of the ER, and then I could only listen to the doctor telling us you wouldn’t survive the night and that if you did, against all expectations, you would be brain damaged and we’d never get you back no matter which way.”

After a moment of devouring silence in which they stared at each other in mute despair, Gaia went on, voice hardly audible. 

“And then you died again. You died while I was holding your hand. I was sitting there and holding your hand when your heart failed and you stopped breathing. I kissed you farewell and...” She shook her head.  
“I’m still here, though,” Anders whispered, voice trembling. “Or again, or whatever. I’m here, babe. And I’m so fucking sorry I did that to you.”

Gaia met his eyes again, tears streaming down her face and ripping down her chin. Anders took her chin in one head and took a corner of the blanket to wipe her face. “I know it’s probably not that easy, but please stop crying, babe. I don’t know how I can make you believe I won’t do it again. Ever.”  
She gritted her teeth and looked at him.   
“I swear.” His voice cracked when he continued. “I saw and heard some fucking scary shit on the other side. I saw Hel, and she was the scariest motherfucking demon... and she said I was hers because I died the death of a coward. I’ve never been so fucking terrified...”  
Gaia reached out and touched his cheek.   
“I swear, I’ll never go there again.” He closed his eyes and swallowed. “If we have our happily ever after or not, I will never go there again. I was so fucking scared, and then the gods kicked me back into this world, and I still have no clue why and what for, but there’s one thing I know.” He opened his eyes again and found his vision clouded. He blinked a few times and shook his head. “No matter what happens between us. If you stay, if you leave me, if all things go to hell in a fucking hand basket... I will never do that again. What happens between me and you is completely beside the point. I’ll never go there again.”

Gaia trailed her fingers down his cheek and then up again; then combed them through his hair. 

“I know you said you don’t want to be responsible for my life. You’re fucking not. I am. And I want to hold on to it as long as I fucking can.”

The silence was punctuated by their harsh and heavy breathing, and then they both moved simultaneously. Their lips crashed together almost painfully, the kiss open-mouthed and hungry, wild and almost feral. If there had been a warm glow earlier when they had made love, this time it was a raging wild fire; they kissed and bit and moaned against each other’s skin, tongues running across marks left by teeth. 

Gaia came first, driven into oblivion by Anders’s hungry tongue and lips. Then Anders was on top of her and her nails dug bloody red crescents into her skin, and there was no purpose left other than claiming and being claimed, both of them surrendering to each other and to their furious passion, all their senses lost in the sensation of feeling the other as close as possible.

They both moaned and screamed and gasped as they rutted like mindless animals. And when Anders came this time, he did so with a bellow that hurt all the way up from his chest to his throat.  
He collapsed onto her, and it took what seemed like forever until he was able to roll down from her. They both lay on their backs, staring at the ceiling, their breathing only slowly calming down.

And then they both realised what happened.

“Crap,” Anders gasped. “Fucking crap!”  
At that moment, Gaia burst into tears.

“No, no...” He gathered her up and held her close. “No, babe, don’t lose it now. “We got this. Don’t...” He ran a hand through her hair. “Come on, babe. Take a shower, get dressed, and it’ll be okay. I promise.” Gaia buried her face into his shoulder but calmed down a little. “It’ll be okay,” Anders muttered into her hair. “I got you.”

* * *

Anders had no fucking clue how and why he was able to function when Gaia could hardly keep herself together. She was clinging to him like a frightened child to her mother on their way to his car, and he could only assume she was in some sort of shock. Not quite knowing what else to do he headed for the A&E of the hospital and approached the reception desk after depositing Gaia in one of the chairs.

The nurse at the desk gave him a very judging look.

“We had a contraceptive malfunction,” Anders said, squarely meeting her eyes.  
“Oh.” The nurse relaxed. “Take a seat.”

He did so, and as he put an arm around her she buried into his embrace and started to cry again. 

They left again with a small packet with a package insert large enough for the collected works of Shakespeare, and after coming back to his flat, and after he had made her take the pill and tucked her up again, he sat down on his sofa and allowed himself a brief but very intense moment of panic. 

Then, after his hands had stopped shaking enough for him to be able to operate a phone he called Dawn.

_“Hey Anders!”_ She sounded happy and relieved. _“How are you doing? You don’t need to call in sick, by the way. I didn’t expect you in today anyway.”_ Her wink was practically audible.   
“Dawn...” God, his voice sounded as if he’d been hit by a car. “Can you come over? And Ty?”  
The humour in her voice vanished instantly. _“Anders, what happened?”_  
“I...” He ran a hand through his hair. “We... Look, can you just come? I ... I could really use a hand right now.”  
 _“Sure.”_ Not a second of hesitation. _“I pick Ty up at work and as soon as I can catch him we’ll be there.”_  
“Thanks.”

Both Dawn and Ty looked worried sick when Anders let them in, and haltingly, with his voice teetering on the brink of hysteric, he told them what happened, although he didn’t correct their assumption that the reason had been a split condom, not a forgotten one.

Dawn immediately headed for the bedroom and closed the door behind her, and Ty manhandled Anders towards the sofa before making coffee. After equipping his brother with a mug Ty sat down beside him and draped an arm across Anders’s shoulders.

“Thanks,” Anders muttered weakly and managed to give his brother a watery smile. “Still kind of expected a harangue about being more careful.”  
“Bullshit.” Ty slapped his back again and lat back. “Accidents happen, bro. And we got each other’s back, remember?”

Anders nodded slowly and took a sip of coffee, then pulled a face. “Your coffee still tastes like crap, though.”  
“Deal with it.”

They looked at each other, and shared a grin.


	28. No, you’re not alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Warning: Chapter contains Christmas Cracker Jokes. Proceed at your own peril.**
> 
> * * *

* * *

Christmas had been planned by Ty and Dawn – mostly Dawn, to be honest – with military precision. 

In the years prior, Christmas had usually happened in Mike’s house, being as it was the largest and could accommodate them all. But when he and Val had split up, the house was no longer available, and with one thing or another, nobody had bothered with making new arrangements. But now that Ty and Dawn had a house with spare bedrooms, they had announced that Christmas would take place at theirs and no one was allowed to lodge a protest. 

Unfortunately everyone arrived roughly at the same time which caused a bit of a chaos, causing Dawn having to sort through various bags, people and sleeping arrangements all at once while Ty was handing out drinks. After some initial bedlam everyone got sorted; Mike and Michelle in one bedroom and Anders and Gaia in the other while Axl declared himself more than happy to sleep on the sofa as Sheila was in Wellington with her own family. Olaf slept in his car, as usual. 

When finally, everyone had settled and was equipped with more drinks, Dawn asked for a toast. 

”I can do that,” Olaf said and got up. ”I’m the oldest of the family. The patriarch, so to say.”  
“Get on with it, grandpa,” Anders quipped. “The wine’s getting warm.”

Olaf raised an eyebrow, then lifted his glass. And then, with his voice pitched deep and vibrant, he intoned: “A long way have we come, and a long way we have to go yet. But wherever we go, we shall not go alone. To family! _Skål!_ ”  
There followed a chorus of _skåls_ in return as everyone raised their glass before drinking. 

“Thank you, Olaf,” Dawn said with a bright smile. “That was very touching.”  
Olaf inclined his head. “I think we’ve been at the point of forgetting about family more than once already. Time to remember our bond is made of something else than being constantly pissed off with each other.”

Somehow, all eyes darted towards Anders at that moment.

“ _Skål_ to that.” Anders said and lifted his glass.

Everyone followed suit.

* * *

Dawn and Ty had outdone themselves regarding the Christmas dinner; five courses with matching wines, and spirits were high, with laughter ringing loud between eating and praising the food and tearing Christmas crackers apart. 

“Okay, listen to this.” Olaf unrolled the little scrap of paper, blue hat sitting cheerfully askew on his head.   
“But Anders is going to hold his gob!” Axl almost yelled.  
Gaia raised her eyebrows as Anders emitted a hearty snort. “Why?”  
“Anders always gets everything first!” Axl said.   
“Fuck if I know how he does it,” Ty added.

Anders shrugged with a frown, but didn’t resist as Gaia placed a garish magenta-lime coloured paper crown on his head. “Comes with having being Bragi, I guess. I used to be able to see through every bad pun, no clue if that still works, though.”  
“We’re not going to try!” Axl adjusted his violet and yellow crown. “You just shut the fuck up!”  
“He gets the last call,” Olaf said and moved the little scrap of paper back and forth until he could focus on the letters. “What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?”

In the subsequent silence, Axl scratched his head, Mike shook his head, Ty chewed his lips, Dawn blinked a few times and Gaia looked at Anders who grinned and rolled his eyes. 

“Happy Christmas would be too easy,” Axl said with a pout.  
“Yeah, so what did he say?” Ty said, obviously giving up.  
Olaf looked pointedly at Anders.  
Anders looked around. Then at Gaia. Then back at the others.  
“Come on, not seriously?” Mike asked. “You can still do that shit?”  
“Let’s hear it, Anders,” Olaf said. “What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?”  
Anders had a very smug smile on his face. “It’s Christmas, Eve.”

There was a collective groan and several hands smacked several foreheads.

“Okay,” Ty said and unfolded his own scrap of paper. “Crap, who comes up with that shit?”  
“Let’s hear it,” Olaf said, leaning forward eagerly.  
Ty shook his head with a grin. “What’s the best Christmas present in the world?”  
“I know that!” Olaf yelled. “It’s a broken drum!”  
Axl looked at him as if Olaf had grown a second head. “The fuck? Why?”  
“Because you can’t beat it!” Olaf yelled, and this time the groans were even louder. 

“Next!” Axl called. “I’m next!” He stared at his paper and snorted. “Jesus, no one’s going to get that.”  
“Except Anders,” Mike cut in.  
“Okay.” Axl pointedly cleared his throat. “How did Ebeneezer Scrooge win the football game?”

Everyone looked completely befuddled, apart from Anders who covered his eyes with one hand and snickered. Looking at him, Gaia couldn’t hold back her own laughter anymore.

“Fine!” Axl yelled. “Anders!”

Anders looked up, smiled sweetly at Gaia and then looked at his youngest brother. “Because the ghost of Christmas passed.”

Gaia almost fell out of her chair with laughter when everyone groaned and complained about Anders being a fucking spoilsport. She dropped against Anders and laughed so hard she was in tears.

“You enjoying yourself, babe?” Anders asked with a little smirk.  
Gaia tried to answer but couldn’t get anything remotely coherent together before the laughter bubbled up again. 

“Right!” Dawn adjusted her gold and pink hat with a brisk move. “Dessert, anyone?”

* * *

After everyone was practically bursting at the seams, they relocated towards the living room 

“How was Christmas in London?” Mike asked Gaia after they had settled down.   
Gaia shrugged. “Gloomy. December in London is dark and cold and wet and miserable.”  
“No white Christmas with snow and everything?” Axl, who was sitting on the carpet busily exchanging texts with Sheila, looked up at that.  
“No. Not a single flake.”  
“How was London anyway?” Axl asked then.

There was a pause in which Anders and Gaia exchanged a look that contained something none of the others could identify.

“Shit,” Gaia said finally. “London was shit. I managed to get settled, more or less, and then Idun suddenly left me, and I don’t have to explain what that means, do I?”  
“No,” Axl gave back with a tight-lipped smile. “Fuck no. What happened?”  
“My boss and my landlord had basically never seen me before and I just about managed to get my shit out of the flat before he called the cops.”  
“Oh.” Ty leaned forward. “How did that work out in the end?”

Gaia huffed mirthlessly into her glass before taking a sip. “I spent the rest of my cash on a cheap hotel, but luckily, after I had to leave there, I ran into a group of hippie street performers that took me in like an abandoned puppy.” She shrugged. “At least I didn’t have to sleep under a bridge.”  
“Nice people?” Ty asked.  
“Lovely people,” Gaia replied. “They were sweet and kind and they let me stay at their place for free, so I helped with the household. They were also pretty much stoned twenty-four seven. At first I thought it was fun... but then...” She trailed off, and Anders took one of her hand in his. She leaned against him and closed her eyes as Anders draped an arm around her shoulders. When she opened them again she noticed that everyone was watching her with deep worry and concern.

“You don’t have to go there, babe,” Anders said soothingly.  
“I think I do,” Gaia replied. “I think I feel better once this is out in the open.” Then she took a deep breath. “I joined them one night and then woke up the next morning next to a guy I’d never seen before.” Her voice trembled slightly. “And a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant. After she shock had worn off I tried to get my shit together again... then I lost it. It was an ectopic pregnancy so I was lucky I didn’t bleed to death. And when I finally got my shit together again, had a job and a place to live and everything, I got the notification about Bryn’s death and had to come back to New Zealand.” She sat up again but kept holding on to Anders’s hand. “London was shit. But now you all know what happened and I don’t want to talk about it ever again. Can we do that?”

There was a round of nods and low spoken affirmations, followed by an uncomfortable silence.

“So...” Dawn said, picking up the bottle and made another round to fill up everyone’s glasses. “Change of topic?”

“Uhm,” Axl said into the silence after a moment. “I spy with my little eye something blue.”  
Everyone turned their head to stare at him, and Axl shrugged with a grin. “What? I changed the topic!”  
“Your shirt!” Olaf pointed at Axl.   
“Nope.”  
“Oh come on...” Mike fell back into the sofa. “Are you serious?”  
“Mike’s socks!”  
“Nope.”

Gaia couldn’t help but chuckle, and she felt Anders do the same. They looked at each other again with a smile. “That certainly changed the topic,” Gaia whispered.

Axl and Olaf were still at it.

“The wine label!”  
“Nope.”  
“Bathroom rug!”  
“That’s in the bathroom.”  
“One of the Christmas baubles!”  
“Nope.”  
“Oh come on!” Olaf crossed his arms with a pout to a chorus of snickers and chuckles.”Spit it out, then!”  
“Iiiit’s my phone screen!”  
“I couldn’t even see that, you dickhead!” Olaf shot back.  
“Yes, and I said that _I_ spy, not that _you_ spy!”  
Accompanied by laughter, Olaf leaned back with a pout and focussed on his drink. 

Equipped with wine and snacks they sat chatting and laughing until long after midnight.

* * *

Gaia and Dawn, two early risers and happy about it, had already finished breakfast preparations when the first of the Johnsons came to and crawled into the kitchen to be restored to something resembling a human being again. Gaia handed out orange juice, paracetamol and coffee while Dawn did the same with bacon, eggs and toast.

“You are angels,” Ty said as he took his plate. “Christmas angels.”  
“Just the early birds who happen to be the first ones in the kitchen.” Dawn winked at Gaia. “Tomorrow morning we’ll put up our feet and wait for breakfast.”  
“That’s going to be toast and cold beans,” Gaia said drily. “I think I’d rather get up.”

At least the guys insisted on cleaning up, and after another round of coffee was handed out, it was time for presents. 

Since the Johnson brothers had agreed a long time since that presents among themselves were rather pointless as that usually resulted in books no one read, jumpers that didn’t fit, ties, socks and knick knack that was only funny for a week. So presents were exchanged among couples, and Axl was staring at the screen of his phone with an expression of utter delight.

“Sheila got your present?” Ty asked and leaned forward.  
Axl presented the phone screen with a grin, and even passed it around.

The picture was of Sheila, and she was holding her hands up into the camera with a grin that bordered on manic. She was wearing two bracelets; each one had three chains made of rhombs connected to three rings that sat on her fore, middle and ring finger.

“That’s an interesting bit of jewellery,” Ty remarked.   
Mike raised his eyebrows and said nothing, but when the phone reached Olaf, the latter burst out laughing.   
“You gave your girlfriend a pair of knuckle dusters for Christmas?”  
Axl ducked his head a little but kept on grinning. “She wanted to get those for like ages.”  
“Jesus fucking Christ.” Olaf shook his head. “And what did she get you?”

This time, Axl actually blushed a little and opened the little box he had unwrapped earlier. Inside was a pair of socks, but that was only a decoy, as there was envelope wedged under the socks. When Axl took the card out, there was a round of good natured laughter. It was a gift voucher for a tattoo parlour.

Anders’s present for Gaia was a soft package hinting at something textile, but as Gaia unwrapped it she only found a piece of cloth. Or so she initially thought. When she unfolded it, however, it turned out to be a large triangular shawl made of cream-coloured raw silk, and along the hem ran a line of countless delicately embroidered dark red, green and golden leaves. Her eyes widened at that, and she cautiously threw it over her shoulders.

“It’s beautiful,” she whispered and felt almost too shy to look at Anders who looked very smug and very pleased with himself.  
“Glad you like it,” he replied in a low voice.   
“She’s still your earth goddess, isn’t she?” Mike leaned back with a smile.   
Anders looked up at him, his own smile gone. “No. Thank fuck she’s not my goddess anymore. We’re just normal people now. Well...” He looked at Gaia again with a crooked little smile. “Maybe not completely normal. But what we are, is a man and a woman who so happen to be in love.”

With that, he turned towards Gaia, took both her hands in his and kissed the back of her fingers. Their eyes met, and it was clear that for a moment, the world around them and the people in the room ceased to exist. Then Gaia freed her hands and threw her arms around his neck. Anders pulled her close and into a kiss.

“Oy,” Olaf said after a moment. “Get a room, you two.”

They broke away from each other with a somewhat embarrassed grin.

“Time for my present,” Gaia said, then she looked at Dawn.  
“Well, let’s get it then, shall we?” The latter smiled brightly and cast a quick glance at Anders.

Anders looked at the two women disappearing into Ty’s and Dawn’s bedroom with the same puzzled frown as everyone else. Then, after a moment, the two emerged again, and Gaia was carrying something large, covered by what seemed to be a pillow case. She put it onto the table and graced Anders with a shy smile. Anders lifted his eyebrows and slowly headed for the table, and likewise slowly, lifted and removed the pillow case. 

Under the cloth was a large glass bowl, filled with water. And in that water were a dozen tiny little fish, about an inch in length, bright and shimmering like tiny opals. They looked like living bursts of colour as they darted around in the water. Anders slowly went down into a crouch so his eyes were level with the bowl; his eyes lit up and his face transformed into a picture of utter joy and delight. 

“They’re beautiful...” He muttered. He touched a finger against the glass, gentle as not to spook the tiny creatures. “Hey there, little buddies.”  
Gaia shifted from one foot to the other. “I spent hours at the pet shop and I even took a few pictures of your aquarium so I could be sure they would be okay. Those are [Endler’s Guppies](http://i743.photobucket.com/albums/xx76/DiscusEden/Poeciliawingei-Endlersguppy-Watfish_zps28a2566d.jpg).”  
“I’m sure they feel right at home,” Anders said softly, eyes still glued to the fish.  
“So... you like them?” Gaia was chewing her lower lip.  
Anders got up again and tore his eyes away from the bowl and its colourful inhabitants. “Like them?” He stepped towards her and rested his hands on her hips. “No, I don’t like them.” His dimples deepened and he smiled merrily at her momentary doubtful expression. “I love them, babe. I absolutely love them.”  
He kissed her again.

This time it was Mike. “Get a room, for fuck’s sake,” he said in mock annoyance.  
Without stopping what he was doing, Anders flipped him a bird and actually bent Gaia over to snog her.

Dawn giggled like a teenager and that broke the spell; Anders had to tear himself away from Gaia and both burst out laughing.

“Happy Christmas everyone!” Dawn said cheerfully. “More Drinks?”


	29. The night is yours alone

* * *

As soon as they were back at Anders’s place, in the late afternoon of Boxing Day, Anders carefully placed the bowl on the kitchen counter and opened the fish tank.

“There,” he said soothingly to the fish as he carefully scooped them out of the bowl with a tumbler. “Welcome to your new home.” Equally carefully, he deposited them into the aquarium, all the while muttering endearments to both the old and new inhabitants. Gaia watched him with a fluttering stomach. His fish were his babies, sure enough, and he loved them with a passion.

“You are so sweet with then,” she said after Anders had rolled down his sleeves again.  
He looked up at her as he was rinsing his hands in the sink.   
“They are the most important thing in your life, aren’t they?”

Anders dried his hands and walked towards her with a smile before slinging his arms around her. He pulled her close for a kiss and smiled at her when he leaned back.

“Almost,” he said. “I could think of someone who is actually on top of the list.”  
Gaia’s smile slowly vanished, and Anders watched her happy smile turn into the wary look he knew so well by now. He sighed heavily.

“Babe...” He sifted his fingers through her hair. “I don’t know what else I could do or say.”  
Gaia lowered her eyes. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why that still freaks me out.”

Anders let go of her and took a step back. He looked at her and kept on looking until she finally looked up at him again. His face was serious, and almost sad.

“Babe. Gaia.” He heaved a sigh. “I really don’t know what else to do or say. And if you know, then please, please tell me.”  
“I don’t know either,” she whispered.  
Anders pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath that escaped him again in a huff. “I... Gaia.” He looked back at her, and the pain was visible in his midsummer sky blue eyes. “We need to get this straight. I get that you’re still somewhat freaked out when you think back, but I don’t want you to freak out when you think ahead. I want to be with you, but I can’t do that if you’re scared of being with me.”  
Gaia swallowed drily.   
“Babe... this doesn’t work if you don’t trust me. Do you... do you trust me?”

Gaia held his gaze for a moment, then she nodded. “I’d trust you with my life, Anders.”  
Anders pressed his lips together for a second. “You trust me with your life?”  
Gaia nodded again.  
“And what about your heart?” The pain was audible in his voice. “You trust me with your life, but not with your heart?”  
Gaia shook her head, her eyes suddenly brimming with tears.  
“Then why are you still scared of being with me?” Anders swallowed, and he had to wipe his own eyes. “I told you I’m not doing it again! And I told you it’s not because of you but because of me! I want to live, Gaia! You are not the reason I am still alive, and you are not the reason I want to keep on living! You are what makes me happy, not what makes me want to live!”

They stared at each other in mute despair.

“And if you can’t believe that,” Anders said, his voice heavy as lead. “Then you have to go. Find your own place, take your things, and go. Fuck knows I want to be with you, but I can’t do that if you’re scared of being with me. I can’t do it, Gaia.”

Gaia closed her eyes and let the tears flow. “But I want to be with you,” she whispered tonelessly. “I just don’t know what I can do about it. I don’t want to be scared.”  
“Then you have to trust me, babe.” He took a step towards her again. “You have to trust me with your heart, because I’m doing the same for you.” He cradled her face in his hands, blue eyes intense and holding her gaze. His voice was low, and so rough it was close to breaking. “I love you, Gaia.”  
Gaia closed her eyes, and two more tears fell free from her lashes. But when she opened them again, they were clear and no longer clouded by moisture. “Anders... She breathed more than whispered. “I love you too...”

The silence lasted only a handful of heartbeats, then they both simultaneously stepped into each other’s embrace. The kiss they shared was deep and passionate, full of hunger, but also full of warm affection. As they broke away for air their eyes locked, an after only a second their lips met again, just a sweet and tender touch this time.

“Come to bed with me?” Anders asked, running his fingers through her curls.  
Captured in his gaze, Gaia could only nod.

After relocating into the bedroom, Anders kept looking at Gaia who was sitting on the bed pulling off her stockings while he took off his shirt.

“Babe?”  
She turned around and smiled at the sight of his bare chest. “Yes?”  
“Can I make a wish?”  
The corners of her eyes crinkled in amusement. “Just one?”  
“For the time being.” He went down onto all fours on the bed and scrambled over the duvets. “Can I?”  
Gaia met his eyes, and her smile softened. “Sure.”  
“Can I have a show?”  
Her smile turned into puzzlement. “What kind of show?”  
Anders leaned forward until his breath grazed he ear. “I want you to strip for me.”  
Gaia tilted her head, then her puzzlement turned into a thoughtful frown and from there back into a smile. “I have never tried that, but I’ll give it a shot.”

Anders licked his lips in anticipation and quickly got rid of his remaining clothes. He settled back after bunching up his pillow against the headboard, and folded his hands on his belly. His dick was apparently also eager for the show and Gaia smiled with an affectionate shake of her head.

After a moment’s hesitation, she then turned her back to him and, very slowly, tugged up the hem of her blouse and, as slowly as she could, she pulled it over her head. After a coy look over her shoulder, she then undid the zipper at the back of her skirt. With gyrating her hips slowly, she loosened it enough that it slid down her legs. Anders shifted his position with a deep breath, and Gaia chuckled.

“Am I going too fast?”  
“No.” His voice was low and husky. “It’s perfect, babe.”

Smiling to herself, Gaia slowly reached for the clips of her bra. She undid them slowly, one after the other, before trailing her hands back and brushing the straps down her arms. And with a certain rush of recklessness, she threw her bra over her shoulder at Anders. She could hear him inhale sharply. 

“Turn around, please.”  
Gaia slowly turned around and could see that she had not missed her mark. He was running his fingers over the black satin, and he had an expression on his face that was part love-sick, part awestruck. But when she slid her thumbs into the waistline of her panties, he let go of the bra and closed one hand around his dick, breathing heavily through his nose.

Gaia smiled at him, as sweetly as she could, and slowly pushed the panties down. Once she had stepped free of them she knelt down beside him on the bed and ran her hands over his chest. Anders let go of his dick, but she took his hand with a shy smile and put it back.

“Can I watch?”  
“You want to watch me beat myself off?” Anders asked with a nervous, shaky chuckle.  
Gaia nodded, chewing her lips.  
Anders shook his head with a besotted smile and closed his hand around his dick again. “But you have to let me watch you too at one point.”  
She nodded again. “Okay,” she whispered.

Anders closed his eyes and realised that he was already so turned on his lower spine was tingling. He noticed that as his breathing picked up speed, so did hers. “Kiss me,” he begged in a coarse whisper.   
Gaia leaned forward and Anders opened his lips, welcoming her questioning tongue with a little moan. Before he realised it his hand was already moving fast and hard, and he moaned into the kiss. Gaia tore herself away and watched him, his lips parted and moist form the kiss, his eyes closed and his breathing harsh and fast as his hand moved frantically. 

“Babe,” he rasped. “Gaia...” Then his breathing hitched into gasps and he opened his eyes; and with a wide-eyed stare he looked at Gaia who was almost hypnotized by that look.   
“Anders...” She whispered, and Anders dropped his head back and came with a long, drawn out moan, the thick, white liquid spurting over his fingers and across his belly.

After running her fingers through his hair Gaia got up from the bed and came back a moment later with a wet washcloth and a towel. Anders gave her a grateful smile before cleaning up the mess.

Gaia then settled down beside him, snuggled as close to him as she could, and placed a kiss onto his chest before resting her head on his shoulder.

“What about you, babe?”  
Gaia smiled. “I’m happy to wait right now.”  
“For what?”  
She drew a fingernail across his chest. “For you to retaliate.”

Anders chuckled, and then laughed. She joined him, but when he extracted herself from the embrace to lean over her, all that remained of the humour was a glint in his eyes. “I don’t know how you did that, babe, but the retaliation period was somewhat shorter than I expected.”  
Gaia licked her lips. “I’m not complaining.”  
Anders kissed her, and she slung her arms around him. 

“Do you trust me?” He asked softly after breaking the kiss.  
“I do,” Gaia replied. “I know I... I am trying all I can to forget and make a new start. I promise.”  
Anders hesitated for a moment, then he got up and pulled a box from under the bed. Gaia propped herself up on one elbow.  
“Anders’s box of dirty toys,” Anders said with a sheepish grin. “We can work through the contents of that if you’d like.”  
“Sounds... exciting.”

Anders smiled and sat down again beside her. He was holding a length of black silk out to her. “Do you trust me?” He asked again.  
For a moment, Gaia looked back and forth between the blindfold and his face. “Yes,” she said.   
“Then turn around, babe,” he whispered huskily. 

Gaia did so, and he put the blindfold on her. “Okay?”  
She nodded.   
“Not too tight?”  
She shook her head.  
“Good.”

With gentle hands, he guided her down, made her lie on the bunched up pillows, and kissed her again.

Gaia took a deep breath and forced her body to relax. And then she felt his hands caress her skin, felt him run hands and lips along every line and curve of skin as if he was mapping her body. And Gaia discovered at that moment she could let go, that she finally dared to jump that abyss that had still been between them, and as she did so, she landed safely on the other side, and in his waiting arms. 

“I love you,” she whispered, and felt him smile against her skin before he kissed her again, and after that, made her forget her own name.

* * *

Anders woke up in an empty bed and to the smell of coffee. He slowly sat up and looked at the crumpled blanket beside him with a smile, before he realised the smell of coffee wasn’t coming from the kitchen. He turned his head and found a mug of coffee sitting right beside him on the nightstand. Her took it with a smile, his thoughts wandering back to back in May... or had it been June already? Either way. He remembered the thoughts of wanting to have sex with her, but also wanting to know how it felt to wake up beside her the next morning and have a coffee. 

He took a sip and listened to the sounds of someone puttering about in the kitchen, and as he leaned back, his thoughts went back to last night, and their conversation. He still had a tight feeling in his chest when he remembered, but then reminded himself that she was here, she had equipped him with a coffee, was making breakfast and thus most likely not on her way out. 

He drank his coffee with a smile on his face and then got up, heading for the kitchen in hopes of a refill. 

“Good morning.”  
Gaia was bent over and just putting something into the oven. “Morning.”  
Anders shamelessly abused the situation and cupped a buttock with his hand. “Are you making breakfast?”  
She shut the oven door and straightened up. “No.”  
“Not?” 

She slung her arms around his shoulders with a smile. “Why is it that you always come naked into the kitchen when I’m up before you?”  
“Why not?” He put the mug down on the counter and closed his hands around her hips. “It’s not as if anyone would be offended by me being au naturelle.”  
Gaia chuckled and shook her head. “Most certainly not.” Now it was her turn to squeeze some butt. “Or is that your way of seducing me?”  
“To do what?” Anders lowered his voice.   
Gaia ran a finger across his lips and tugged at the lower lip. “As far as I can recall, you once said your aim in life was to take me on every available surface.” She gave the kitchen counter a meaningful look.

Anders stepped back, certain parts of his anatomy visibly quite interested in the topic of conversation. 

“Don’t move,” he said, and vanished into the bedroom.

* * *

They had just managed to get their breath back and put some clothes on when the oven timer went off, and Gaia put on the oven mitts and took the baking sheet out.

“I thought you were making breakfast,” Anders said with a tilt of his head.  
“I thought we could settle for cornflakes if I do this instead,” Gaia gave back with a smile as she set down the sheet on a rack.   
Anders craned his neck. “Is that what I think it is?”  
She turned around with a smile and placed the oven mitts down again. “If you’re thinking Chocolate Orgasm, then it is.”  
Anders pulled her close again. “God... I love you, babe.”  
Gaia kissed the skin of his neck. “Because of my cake?”  
“Because of everything.” 

Then he leaned back and looked at her, the slightest bit questioningly. Gaia blinked a few times, but then her smile was back. 

“I love you, too.” She smiled softly and rested a hand against his cheek. “I don’t know why it took me so long to get my head around the new Anders.”  
“Still all yours, the new Anders,” Anders replied with a lopsided smile.  
“And I am all his,” Gaia replied, leaning forward. “Thank you for last night.”  
“My pleasure, really,” Anders gave back, but he knew that the sex wasn’t what she meant.  
“Not only for the sex, I mean.” She bit her lower lip.

“I know, babe.” He leaned towards her and his breath grazed her lips. “I know, I can see it.”  
“Then why...”  
“I want to hear you say it, babe. I need to hear you say it.”  
Gaia took a deep breath and closed her eyes. “I’m no longer scared,” she whispered. Then she leaned forward and placed her lips on his, and she could feel him smile into the kiss.


	30. Fall into the ocean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I am probably a little overcompensating now for all the angst and pain prior but that's me in a nutshell...
> 
> * * *

* * *

Gaia hurried into the bedroom upon hearing Anders spit out a very heartfelt curse, to find him sitting on the bed rubbing the toes of his left foot.

“I managed to collide with your suitcase.” He looked away. “Again.”  
Gaia sighed and dragged the suitcase out of the way as much as she could. “I’m sorry.” She sat down beside him. “Seems I’ve crowded your place long enough now, right?”  
“Technically, yes.” Anders proceeded to pull on his socks.   
“I hear a _but_ ,” Gaia said with a small smile.  
Anders looked up at her with a crooked grin. “But,” he said. “I quite like the sleeping arrangements.”  
She chuckled. “But I could still sleep here most of the time, and without clogging up everything with my stuff.”

Anders leaned back and draped an arm over her shoulders. “Really?”  
“What else?” Gaia ran a hand down his thigh. “I’m actually a little fed up with living out of a suitcase by now as well.”  
“And the sleeping arrangements?”  
She placed a kiss onto his lips. “Suit me just fine. I just... I think we both need more space.”  
“Yes. But if you get your own place just to keep on spending your nights at mine, wouldn’t that turn your flat into some sort of glorified walk-in wardrobe?”  
“And what do you mean with that?”

Anders moved a little closer and tightened his hold around her shoulders before letting himself fall backward onto the bed, taking her with him. Then he turned to face her and propped himself up on one elbow. “Yes, we need more space,” he said. “But if you go and move into your own flat that you only use to store your clothes, wouldn’t be that a waste of money? To pay rent for a flat you hardly use?”

Gaia closed her mouth and swallowed as she met his eyes. There was serenity in them as well as a warmth she was not really used to seeing. “Anders?”  
“We need more space but we both don’t want to change anything about the sleeping arrangements, so...” He lifted his eyebrows.   
“Are you suggesting we move together?”  
“You’re saying this as if it was a bad thing.” A frown appeared on his face.  
“I...” She bit her lower lip. “No, it’s not bad. It’s just...”  
“Unexpected?” Anders offered.   
“Yes, it’s certainly that.” Then she reached out to run her fingers through his hair. “But not in a bad way.”  
“Maybe it’s a bit too soon anyway,” Anders went on after a small sigh.   
“Maybe it is,” Gaia replied and ran her fingers down the back of his neck where she curled them against his skin to gently scratch through his hairline. Anders dropped his head with a sound that could only be described as a purr, a sound that made Gaia chuckle again. “It should feel like too soon,” she said. “But somehow, it doesn’t.”

Anders lifted his head again and their eyes met. They both couldn’t help but smile.

“We start looking on the second, yes?” She ran a finger along the shell of his ear with a smile.  
“Sounds good to me,” Anders replied in a soft whisper before he kissed her.

* * *

The whole Johnson clan and then some had agreed to meet up for the fair on New Year’s Eve at Mission Bay, and now after they had made their rounds past various food stalls (with Olaf and Axl sampling everything), they were standing in front of the enormous Ferris wheel. Mike had his wallet out and counted heads.

“Okay, Olaf, Ty, Dawn... you’re with us, Dawn? Great. Axl, Sheila, Zeb, Michelle? Seven. Right, me, Ingrid? Okay. Stacey? Nine, ten... Anders, Gaia... Eleven, twelve, that’s it, right?”

With her arm slipped through Anders’s, Gaia noticed him becoming tense and when she looked up she could see his hand sneak up towards his collar, as if he meant to adjust a tie he wasn’t wearing today. But she recognised the gesture and took a deep breath, clinging a little tighter to his arm.

“Mike?”   
Mike stopped on his way to the pay kiosk and turned around.   
“I... I’m not coming,” she said apologetically. “I’m not really comfortable with heights, you know. I’d rather stay down here.”  
“Fine,” Mike said with a smile and looked at Anders. “I guess you won’t leave her standing around here all alone, will you?”  
“If it’s all the same to you,” Anders said slowly. He was sure Mike had seen straight through Gaia’s ruse, but that didn’t mean he was any less grateful for it.

They watched the others embark after some discussion about who was to sit together with whom in which gondola, and merrily waved at them as they made their way up.

Anders swept her into a close embrace and buried his face into her hair. “Thank you,” he muttered.  
“I somehow wasn’t sure if you’d be able to say no.”  
“I don’t know. Some old habits die really hard.” He leaned back and tucked a stray curl of hair behind her ear. “Also, I’m sure as fuck that Mike knew exactly what was going on.”  
“Do you actually care?”  
Anders chuckled under his breath. “I really shouldn’t give a fuck, should I? See what I mean with old habits?”  
“Perfectly well.” She leaned forward to kiss him. “Buy me some cotton candy?”

They were just about to finish the rest of the cotton candy when the others came back. Axl was giving Sheila a piggy back ride, and both of them were howling with laughter while Zeb attempted to catch them. Olaf had Ingrid’s hand in one and Stacey’s in the other and attempted to do a Riverdance with them, Ty and Dawn were holding hands and Mike had his arms around Michelle who looked a little green around the gills.

“I should’ve stayed with you lot,” Michelle said and closed her eyes. “Fucking hell! I swear I’ve never been so close to shitting myself.”  
Gaia held out the stick with the rest of the cotton candy to her, but she turned away with a faked gagging noise.   
“So,” Mike rubbed his hands. “How long until midnight?”  
Anders looked at his watch. “Bit more than ten minutes.”  
“Great. Let’s find a place.”

In the end they managed to secure some space directly next to the fountain, close enough to the beach they could see the rafts out on the bay that held the fireworks. Sheila was now sitting on Axl’s shoulders; with her size she wouldn’t have had a chance of seeing anything of the lightshow. 

“If she was any smaller you could carry her around in your pocket wherever you go,” Mike said to Axl, while looking up at Sheila with a wink.   
“Trust me, Mikkel, if I was in his pocket he wouldn’t get any walking done!”  
Axl dropped his head with a groan as everyone around them exploded with laughter.

“How long?” Ty asked eagerly.  
“Three minutes!” Anders gave back.  
On Axl’s shoulders, Sheila threw her arms into the air. “Wohoo!!” She howled. “Only three more minutes left before the same old shit starts over again! Yay!”

Axl bent back his head with a little snort and Sheila curled forward. They actually managed to kiss in that position.

“You practised that, right?” Ty asked as he looked up at her.  
“Yes!” Sheila yelled down at him. “Wanna see what else we can do?”  
“NO!” Ty made a shooing motion. “Jesus Christ, no!”

Both Sheila and Axl laughed at that, but then Sheila leaned forward and Axl reached up. He took hold of her hips as she lifted her legs up, and then she was hanging upside down, her legs straight up, and Axl kissed her again to the applause and a lot of cat calls and wolf whistles from the people around him. 

“You should charge money for that show!” Anders said after Sheila had settled on Axl’s shoulder again. “That was fucking impressive!”  
“I’d pass a hat if I had one!” Sheila laughed at him. 

The crowd around them began to thicken, and the tension rose as the first figures could be seen moving towards the control tables down at the beach. Gaia snuggled closer against Anders, and he pulled her into a tight embrace. And then, somewhere, someone, started a countdown. 

Everyone joined in, with both Sheila and Olaf yelling at the top of their lungs.

“Eight... seven... six...

Anders wasn’t counting, he just stared across the bay, and Gaia followed his gaze, a pleasant shiver of anticipation running down her spine as she watched the pyrotechnic guys get into place.

“Three!” Axl was yelling now as well, and the others joined in. “Two! One!”

And with an ear-battering cheer from the crowd, the first giant rocket lifted off from one of the rafts, shot up into the sky and exploded in a giant shower of golden sparks. It was followed by a dozen smaller ones, fired in rapid succession, which screeched on their way up and burst crackling and sizzling into cascades of green and red. 

The cheering had abated now, probably due to the fact that most people had started kissing and/or embracing. 

Gaia was clinging to Anders and stared upward, as did he, and the bursts of light bathed their faces in quickly changing hues of colours. She closed her eyes for a moment and rested her face against the side of his neck; she could feel his pulse under her lips as she kissed him there. It was racing, and with a smile to herself, she pressed another kiss right onto the almost fluttering pulse point.

Above them, countless howling whirlwinds of blue stars raced across the sky in wide arcs. Gaia looked up again and Anders smiled at her, the blue flecks of light reflecting in his eyes, making them seem almost as bottomless like the ocean. He smiled at her, a soft and warm smile that made her heart flutter, and leaned forward to kiss her. But instead of embracing her again after he leaned back again, he just took both her hands in his. He took a step back, and the blue shimmer was replaced by silver. 

It was then that Gaia noticed the quality of Anders’s smile. It was a smile she had never seen before.  
He held her gaze, that strange, gentle smile making her heart stumble, and let go of her hands as he took another step back. 

Gaia’s heart skipped a beat and began to race like mad as she watched him. He kept holding her gaze, and as another explosion of light sent a million of gold and silver sparks raining down, he lowered his eyes for a second. And then, as he looked up at her again, Anders slowly lowered himself down onto one knee.

Sheila somehow noticed the movement from the corner of her eye and nudged Axl in the ribs. When he looked up at her she frantically jerked her head towards Anders and Gaia, and as Axl turned around, he froze. All he could do was tug at Mike’s sleeve and within seconds after the latter had spun around, everyone had noticed what was going on.

Both of Gaia’s hands flew up to cover her mouth, as if she had to cut off a scream, and her eyes instantly began to fill with tears. She blinked rapidly to clear her eyes, but then the tears were breaking free and ran unheeded down her cheeks as Anders reached inside his pocket and produced a small black box.

Anders’s eyes never left Gaia’s face as he opened the small box, revealing a gold ring with a small red gemstone. Then he looked down at the ring. “Gaia,” he said, his voice low and brimming with emotion, but still clearly audible. “You are the best that ever happened to me.” Then he looked up again and met her eyes. “I love you. Will you marry me?”

A strange silence spread around them, as not only the Johnsons but all the other people around them had realised what was happening. Above, the lights in the sky shifted colours from green and red to gold and silver.

Gaia seemed turned to stone; she kept staring at the man kneeling in front of her with tears streaming down her cheeks. No one dared to breathe.

And then Gaia slowly dropped her hands and swallowed hard a few times before taking a deep breath. Her voice was so thick with tears that the first sound which emerged was hardly more than a squeak. She cleared her throat and managed to get her voice under some sort of control, as opposed to her tears.

“Yes,” she whispered. “Yes, Anders...” She smiled at him through her tears and wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand. “Oh my god... Yes, I will marry you...”

A smile appeared on Anders’s face and tugged at the left corner of his mouth. He took the ring and quickly slipped the box into his pocket before he reached out to her, and with a soft inhale of breath, Gaia offered him her left hand. Anders took it, pressed a kiss onto the back of her hand and with a slow, measured move, slipped the ring onto her finger. He kissed her fingers again and then slowly got up without letting go of her hand. 

Gaia couldn’t look at him for more than a heartbeat before she threw herself into his arms with a sob and they both closed their arms around each other as tightly as they could. After a moment, Anders leaned back and cupped her cheek in his hands. “I love you,” he whispered and kissed her. Gaia slung her arms around him and he pulled her close. 

Above them the sky exploded in a burst of golden light that rained down like a curtain of stars, and around them, the crowd erupted into cheers.

* * *

Anders and Gaia did indeed start their quest for a new home directly after New Year. Since Anders was at work during the day and Gaia was only working part-time for a temp agency now, she spent most of her time at home online; looking, checking and making lists, and after dinner, they had a look through those together. 

“I can’t really believe we’re doing this,” Gaia said as they sat there looking at various options. “It’s only five days into the new year and...”  
Anders looked up with raised eyebrows and a smile. “And?”  
Gaia smiled and closed one of her hands around his. “And here we are. Planning that little suburban paradise after all.”

Anders chuckled and took a sip of his coffee. He put his hand atop hers and let his thumb brush the ring she was wearing. They shared a smile and leaned forward for a kiss before focussing on the screen again. 

“And what do you think of this?”  
Anders cast a look at the picture, then clicked on the picture next to that. “How about this? That’s a nice garden. There’s a tree, too.”  
“Since when do you care for gardens?”  
“That’s a nice tree,” Anders remarked. “I like trees.”  
Gaia lowered her head, raised her eyebrows, and gave him a very long, intense look. “Apart from that,” she said. “That’s a house, not a flat.”  
“Don’t you like the tree?”  
“Anders, that’s a house with a garden and four bedrooms.”  
“What’s your problem with trees? I thought you liked trees too?”  
“Anders!” Gaia through her hands up with an exasperated laugh. “Anders, you’re a silly idiot.”

Anders turned towards her with a cocky little smile, and then draped an arm round her shoulders and pulled her close. “I’m a love-sick silly idiot.”  
Gaia sighed and ran her fingers through his hair. “Yes, but you’re my love-sick, silly idiot.”  
They leaned closer to kiss, and Gaia pulled him closer as she opened his lips.

When they parted, they kept looking at each other under lowered eyelids.

“So, about that tree...” Anders said.  
Gaia shook her head with a chuckle. “What about it?”  
“You could place a deckchair under the tree and read a book on warm summer days.”  
“Sounds fine.”  
“Or we could string Christmas lights all over.”  
“We could.”  
“Or coloured lights for barbecue parties.”  
“Or you could climb up there and pretend you’re five years old.”  
Ander leaned forward and smiled. “Endless possibilities, a tree like that,” he said with a cocky grin.  
“Anders,” Gaia said with a slow shake of her head. “You’re impossible.”  
“Impossible is not part of my vocabulary, babe,” Anders said, lowering his voice as he leaned forward before he kissed her again

* * *

Olaf and Anders’s brothers were at the ready on moving day, and they all stood in front of Anders’s and Gaia’s new domicile with a little bit of surprise.

“I thought you were only going to get a flat,” Mike said as he got out of the van.   
“Yes...” Anders replied thoughtfully while looking at the door. “We kind of...”  
“Looks nice, though,” Olaf said. “Nice garden.”  
“Look at that!” Ty yelled and vaulted the fence onto the lawn. “Will you look at this tree!” He jumped and easily took hold of the lowest branch, sturdy enough to not bend an inch under his weight. 

Ty chinned himself up and grinned like a maniac at the others. “This would be awesome for a swing!” When everyone froze, Ty’s grin vanished and he let himself drop onto the grass. “Or...” He said, wiping off his hands on his jeans. “Or you could use it to string up some Christmas lights...”

Anders crossed his arms as he looked at Ty, ignoring Gaia’s little chuckle.

“Right!” Olaf rubbed his hands and headed for the van. “Let’s get this road on the show!”


	31. Ocean storm, bayberry moon

* * *

Anders had never been as sure of himself as he had been the moment he had proposed, but he had never in his life been more plagued by second thoughts and cold feet than in this moment. For the hundredth time he nervously adjusted his bowtie and tried to calm his breathing, but neither that nor Mike's hand on his shoulder could do anything about his frayed nerves. 

Now that he was standing here he was, for a moment, totally overwhelmed by the gravity of the situation and by what he was about to do. He turned away from the door and looked at Ty who was looking forbiddingly smart in his black tux, his hands folded in front of him. His other two brothers were standing behind him and their reassuring smiles took the edge of the nervousness, although his heart was beating no slower and his hands were not shaking any less.

While it had all been in the planning stage Anders had been happy to stand back a little, being completely out of his depth. So he had just left everything in the hands of more capable people like his Dawn who had taken to wedding preparations like a fish to water. 

The biggest problem to overcome had been the question of who was to be best man. Mike had stepped back when the discussion started, but Ty and Axl had almost been at each other’s throat, leaving Anders to nervously wring his hands because he didn’t want to hurt and disappoint any of his brothers, until Mike had stepped in and decreed that Ty was going to be best man and Axl could be best man at Ty’s wedding. Ty’s subsequent blush had made him look like a matchstick.

Then Mike had offered to give the bride away since Gaia didn’t have a father anymore, but Gaia had pointedly declared that she didn’t need anyone to give her away – and those words had dripped with enough venom to kill everyone present – as if she was a prized mare for a breeding programme. She would walk down the aisle alone, following her bridesmaids, and firmly declared that the only one to give Gaia away would be Gaia herself. If Anders could have fallen any more in love with her he’d done so at that moment.

And now Mike opened the door and the groom and his groomsmen entered the small chapel.

There weren’t many people filling the benches; in fact, almost all of them were Sheila’s family. It had been Gaia’s idea and she had approached Sheila about it, and the valkyries of Wellington had been all too happy to attend, taking pride in the fact that the first of their ranks who had been called into service was a major reason for this wedding in the first place. As it turned out, Sheila’s oldest sister was a gifted piano player and she had been more than happy to provide the background music.

Once the four Johnson brothers had positioned themselves, the [music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PHWT9lagyQ) started playing.

And then the bridesmaids entered, led by Dawn who was to be the maid of honour, and Anders closed his eyes and listened to the soft notes of the piano. Gaia had chosen tasteful, simple bridesmaids dresses in a dark ocean blue. During the discussion of who was to do what, Olaf had been miffed and complained about the fact that he’d never be able to be a bridesmaid and that it wasn’t fair which had Gaia laughing so hard that everybody was worried she’d sprain something. She had given Olaf a fierce hug and a kiss on the cheek, and now he was walking among the bridesmaids, wearing a smart tux the same colour of the dresses. The minister had raised both eyebrows at that, but said nothing. So much for a normal, traditional ceremony. Normal just wasn’t possible when Johnsons were involved.

When Anders he opened his eyes again he could see Ty look down the aisle with a smile, and he slowly turned around to follow his gaze. 

Gaia had chosen a simple [dress](https://68.media.tumblr.com/83013062df69fc5cc75ca7d92c3fadcc/tumblr_inline_ntytywsirp1t7ubqo_500.png) made of champagne coloured silk; her wedding bouquet was simple as well: three dark red roses and a bit of fern. She wore a simple golden necklace with a pendant made of garnet, the same stone as on the ring Anders had given her. Her hair was falling down her shoulders in lush curls and her smile made Anders’s heart drop into his stomach. And then she had reached him, and they turned to look at each other. Their eyes met as the last notes of the piano faded out. 

And then, a little later, there came that one question that no one, Anders included, had believed he would ever answer. 

“I do.”  
“I do,” Gaia said, equally clear, when it was her turn. 

Dawn offered her the ring, and as Gaia took Anders’s hand, her eyes never left his. 

Gaia’s voice was trembling a little. “Anders, I take you to be my husband, to have and to hold you, to honour you, to treasure you, to be at your side in sorrow and in joy...” Yet her voice became stronger with every word she said.

They both lowered their eyes as Gaia slipped the ring on Anders’s finger. Then Ty handed Anders the ring and their eyes met again. 

“...in good times and in bad, and to love and cherish you always.” His voice was nowhere near as steady as he would have liked, but the way Gaia’s eyes shone, she either didn’t notice or didn’t care. “I promise you this from my heart, for all the days of my life.”

He slipped the ring onto her finger and they took each other’s hands as the blessings were spoken. 

“You may now kiss the bride.”

After a moment, the minister unobtrusively cleared his throat and Anders and Gaia broke away from each other with tiny, embarrassed smiles.

* * *

As traditional as the ceremony had been, the reception was a down-to-earth party where everyone was only supposed to have a good time. Anders’s brothers had organized a massive barbecue, had strung up dozens of colourful lights in the tree, and while Mike was manning the barbie, Olaf was in charge of the music. He looked as if he had never done anything else in his life, cigarette hanging out of one corner of his mouth while he was juggling LPs like a pro. 

Once everyone was done eating, even if there were a few stray ones helping themselves to a sausage every now and then, Olaf cranked up the music– the neighbours had been invited, too – and people started dancing. 

With Gaia clinging to his arm, her eyes sparkling with joy, Anders – now minus jacket and bowtie – approached Olaf and pointed at the stack of LPs.

“If you even so much as think of playing the Monkees I swear I’ll kick your bollocks out of your mouth!” He yelled.

Olaf grinned and pointed cheerfully at his headphones with a shrug and a shake of his head, puffed a cloud of smoke and reached for the next LP. He held it up with a broad grin and before Anders could even start to protest he had put it on with a flourish. Gaia doubled over with laughter when [_I’m a believer_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udX6y-FB3vU) started playing.

“Forget it!” Anders shook his head, and as Gaia tugged at his arm, he shook his head with more vehemence. “I am not going to make an ass of myself!” Then he stepped away from the stereo and leaned against the tree.  
Gaia looked over her shoulder at all the other couples who were heading for the open space of lawn that served as a dance floor, all of them laughing and cheering. “Come on, Axl dances like a drunken hippo, you can’t do any worse!”  
Anders pouted.  
Gaia gave him the best puppy eyes she could muster.

Anders shook his head and turned around.  
“Anders...” She ran a hand down between his shoulder blades. “Pretty please with a cherry on top?”  
He crossed his arms.  
“I’ll throw in some chocolate sauce for good measure.”  
Anders finally turned around again and stared at her, arms akimbo.  
Gaia smiled sweetly. “I promise I’ll never ask you for another dance in your life. Just this one... please?”

After another moment, Anders rolled his eyes with a resigned and heavy sigh. “I hope you appreciate the things I do for you, babe."  
“I do,” Gaia gave back and brushed a kiss onto his cheek. Then she lowered her voice. “I promise I’ll make it worth your while when we’re alone later tonight,” she whispered, letting her breath graze the shell of his ear.  
Anders rolled his shoulders, shook his head one last time, and let her take his hand and lead him towards the group of dancing people who parted for them with cheers and whistles.

In the end, Anders danced with her one more time, without her asking him to. It was getting late, so late it was almost early again, and the only guests remaining were the Johnson brothers and their respective significant others plus Olaf, Stacey and Ingrid. The volume had been turned down significantly and the last song Olaf played was [_Wonderful tonight_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xl7Hd2r0LOs).

Ingrid leaned back with a sigh and put down her empty glass. “I would have lost a lot of money if someone had asked me for a bet a year ago. About Anders getting married, I mean.” All eyes turned towards the two, arms slung around each other and hardly moving in time with the music. “Look at them.” She shook her head and wiped her fingers across her eyes with a deep and heavy sigh. “So who’s next of you lot?”

“Ty,” Axl said without missing a beat. Sheila was sitting on his lap and now chuckled against his neck.  
“Do we actually have a say in this matter?” Ty snapped, his face burning, while Dawn beside him threw back her head with a pealing laughter.  
“You’d have to think of something to propose properly,” Mike said and took a sip of beer. “Anders set the bar pretty high in that department.”

The music had stopped, but Anders and Gaia were still clinging to each other. 

Olaf flipped his butt end into the remains of the barbecue and got up. “Time to call that taxi,” he said. “The marriage needs to be consummated and that’s best done in private. Though in times gone by it was customary for members of the family to witness...”  
“I fucking heard that, grandpa” Anders said over his shoulder. “You’re a dirty old perv.” 

Axl slipped his phone back into his pocket. “Taxi’s gonna be here in about twenty.”  
“Enough for another beer,” Olaf said gravely. “ _Skål_.”

Anders and Gaia joined them for the last beer of the night, saw them off with lots of hugs and kisses, and turned towards each other when the taxi had driven off.

“Alone at last,” Anders said slowly, trailing a finger along her jaw line.  
“So.” Gaia undid the top button of his shirt. “Plans?”  
“Lots.”  
“But you’re not going to carry me over the doorstep, are you?”  
Anders snorted. “Fuck no. We’ve been living here for months now, babe. Unless you want me to?”  
Gaia shook her head with a smile. “No. For the same reason I don’t need anyone to give me away. Some things may be traditional but I can live with being a bit more modern.”  
“So...” Anders took her left hand and kissed the golden wedding band. “About the consummation of the marriage?”  
Gaia took his hand and hiked up her dress with the other. “Let’s go fuck each other’s brain out.”  
Anders had a hard time following her as he was laughing so hard he hardly made it up the stairs.

* * *

They had hardly reached the bedroom when Anders shirt landed on the floor. Being forced to stop the frantic, greedy kissing for Anders to undo the zipper of the dress had them both breathe heavily, but as soon as Gaia stepped free from the dress that had pooled at her feet they were in each other’s arms again. 

“I’m sorry I can’t keep up with the sexy underwear,” Anders whispered as he ran his hands up and down her body, admiring the champagne coloured silk and lace set of bra, panties, garter belt and stockings.  
“Don’t worry.” She cupped his buttocks still covered in black fabric. “You ass looks fantastic no matter what you try to hide it in.”  
Anders chuckled against her skin and reached around her to unclasp her bra. “And just imagine, it’s all yours now.”  
“And it wasn’t before?” She hooked her fingers into his waistband as Anders slowly brushed the bra off her arms.  
“Oh, it was.” He dropped it and gently cupped her breasts. “But now it’s official.” 

They both chuckled at that and Gaia went willingly when Anders pushed her onto the bed.

The question of alternative methods of contraception had arisen once, but Gaia had told Anders that her body seemed to have some sort of intolerance to hormones that made her not only cranky and moody but also completely killed her libido, and that a coil had given her cramps so vicious that she had to have it taken out after less than half a year. She had felt bad about it, had been talking apologetically and embarrassedly, but Anders had simply pushed her over and kissed her until her brain had been so oxygen-depraved that she had forgotten to think at all.

Heavy-lidded, she watched him as he took a few condoms from the package and their eyes met.  
“Green or blue?” He asked her.  
“Do I look as if I care?”  
“Just asking,” Anders replied with a chuckle. He took a blue one and started to tear the foil open when Gaia sat up and snuggled against him. “Babe?”  
Gaia said nothing and he could feel her tense a little.  
“Gaia?” Anders leaned back and took her gently by the shoulders. “Did I say something wrong?”  
She shook her head with a smile. “No. I was just... I don’t know. I had a strange thought just now. That’s all.”

Anders looked at her face and she couldn’t meet his eyes anymore. “Just forget it,” she whispered and closed her eyes.  
“You know that it’s impossible to forget anything when you’ve been told to forget about it in that particular tone.”  
Gaia shook her head. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to kill the mood.”

With a heavy sigh, Anders put a finger under her chin and forced her to look up at him. “Babe, talk to me. I’m not a clairvoyant.”  
Gaia exhaled sharply and took the condom from his fingers. “I was thinking about this,” she said, finally meeting his eyes again, but with visible difficulties. “But I’m not ready for _that_.”  
Anders breathed out a tiny chuckle. “Neither am I, babe. I don’t think I’ll ever be, to be honest.”

Their eyes met again. 

“Honestly, babe, I’d be the worst father ever. I don’t know the next thing about being a proper dad.”  
Gaia ran two gentle fingers down his cheek. “Maybe. But then, you know all about being a rotten dad. If you just think in any situation of what Johann would do and then do the exact opposite you should be fine.”  
Anders leaned forward, his voice as unsteady as his smile. “Is that you telling me that you want to have a baby with me?”

Without breaking their gaze, Gaia slowly dropped the condom and it landed on the carpet beside the nightstand. They stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity before they both simultaneously unfroze to kiss, and Anders slowly pushed her back into the mattress.

* * *

When Anders had been presented with the two innocently looking blue lines he had freaked out so hard he’d fled the house in all but a run, and Gaia had let him go with hardly more than a sigh. 

He had come back later that day with an enormous bouquet of flowers and five bags of her favourite candy, and had spent the next ten minutes on his knees with his cheek pressed against her belly while Gaia was running her hands through his hair. Then he had made dinner, and breakfast the next morning, and as Gaia got up, it seemed he hardly dared to breathe into her general direction.

But it wasn’t before Gaia had shouted at him a few times to leave her the fuck alone, as she was neither invalid nor sick, and threatened to castrate him if he didn’t stop trying to hold her hand when she walked down the stairs, that he finally stopped treating her like she was made of eggshells. 

“You’re really sweet, and you mean well,” she said as she ran a hand through his hair. “But you’re driving me nuts. I’m pregnant, not terminally ill.”  
He looked up with a contrite expression. “Make you a coffee?”  
“Yes.” She sat down and patted the sofa beside her. “But only if you make two and sit with me.”

Anders nodded and rubbed the back of his neck with an embarrassed little smile.


	32. It’s only just light years to go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So now, that I am where I meant to be fifteen chapters ago in the initial planning stage, I am finally able to wrap anything up. Thanks for joining me.
> 
> * * *

* * *

They kept it a secret at first, trying to figure out the opportune moment to tell everyone else. In the end, it happened unplanned and unexpected, as these things usually do.

They arrived at Mike’s bar with everyone else already there, but the mood wasn’t a happy one. 

“You read the paper yet?” Mike asked them as Anders and Gaia looked around with puzzled frowns.  
“No,” Anders gave back slowly. “What...” Then his head snapped round as he stared at Mike. “Again?”  
Mike shrugged and shook his head. “I guess we all had our hopes up to soon. He took a break, it seems. Now he’s back.”

Gaia slowly sat down and looked at the paper. Anders noticed her facial expression and rested both hands on her shoulders, rubbing his thumbs in circles to draw some of the tension out. 

“It’s ridiculous!” Ingrid pushed the paper away. “Or it would be ridiculous if it wasn’t so horrible! That man has terrorized the city for more than a year now! Twenty girls dead! What kind of a bad joke is our police force?”  
“I swear one of these days I give in to the temptation to use myself as a bait,” Sheila said darkly. “I’d give him a piece or two of my mind.”  
“I’ll tie you up and lock you away if you ever say that again!” Axl snapped at her. “Are you crazy?”  
Sheila rolled her eyes but patted his shoulder. “Come on, ogre. Keep your pants on.”  
Axl snorted like an angry bull but didn’t say anything else.

“Is there really no way to track him?” Ingrid asked as she still stared at the front page of the paper with a sad frown. “Someone has to do something! It seems like the police don’t give a shit!”  
“Sadly, the Auckland Police don’t have Ullr at their disposal,” Anders said absentmindedly.

“No, they haven’t,” Mike suddenly said into the silence in a very thoughtful voice.

Everyone slowly looked up at him. 

“He can’t say more than no, can he?” Mike put his towel down onto the bar.  
“But you’ve never seen him, have you?” Ty asked anxiously.  
“No.” Mike rubbed the back of his neck. “I haven’t.”

The tone of his voice made Anders look up and his eyes met his brothers’ thoughtful gaze.

“Yeah, I did,” Anders said slowly. “But I don’t think Ullr will listen to me.”  
“That wasn’t what I was thinking,” Mike gave back. “I was thinking that maybe, because we’re brothers, that there’s a way I could track him... kind of... through you?”  
“Is that even possible?” Anders tilted his head.  
“I have no fucking clue. But it’s worth a try, isn’t it?”

Gaia’s almost jumped out of her chair. “You’re not thinking of going after the fiend, are you?” Her eyes widened in fear as she looked at Anders, and she unconsciously rested one hand on her lower belly. “Anders, please tell me you don’t!”  
“Don’t you think we should take the chance and try if we can stop him?” Anders rested his hands on her shoulders. “You’ve been there, Gaia...”  
“I know!” She took a step away from him, now clutching her belly with both hands. “I fucking now! I know how dangerous that monster is and I want you to stay away from him!”

“Gaia... babe, listen.” Anders took her shoulders again, but in a firmer grip this time. “What if Sheila would be the next one? Or what if you were a mother of a grown daughter? Don’t you think that if there’s any chance for Mike and me to stop this we should take it?”  
Gaia kept pressing her hands onto her belly and swallowed hard.  
“We’ll be careful, babe. If we get Ullr on board, then I will see that I get Bragi’s help as well. And we won’t go alone, we’ll take Ty and Axl and Olaf with us as back up. Babe, we gotta try and stop him. But believe me, I’m still not too proud to run when it all goes to shit.”

Gaia lowered her head and pressed her lips together and Anders placed a kiss onto her forehead and pulled her close. “This isn’t a suicide mission, babe. Believe me, we’ll be careful. I’ve got too much to lose.”  
Slowly, Gaia sat down again with a nod, and Anders ran a hand through her hair. She leaned against him, but still had one hand lying protectively on her abdomen.

In a thoughtful, worried silence, everyone looked back and forth between everyone else. Only Dawn kept looking at Gaia with a very concerned expression.

“Gaia...” Dawn slowly leaned forward and reached across the table to take her hand. “Gaia... are you...?”  
Gaia looked up with a very shy smile and nodded. “Twelve weeks.”  
Dawn’s eyes widened to the point of no return, then she jumped up with a squeal of joy to pull Gaia out of her chair and into a fierce embrace. 

“The fuck?” Axl said when Sheila jumped down from his lap to embrace Gaia as well.  
“Congrats!” Sheila said. “I guess everything looks all right so far?”  
“Yes. Perfect.” Gaia smiled, radiating quiet joy and pride. “And the worst of the morning sickness is already over, too.”

Anders adjusted his tie and prepared for the impact. 

“Are you kidding me?” Mike finally asked as he looked at Anders. “You’ve been married what? Four months and she’s already pregnant?”  
Anders adjusted his tie again and pursed his lips as he tried to think of a reply. 

Finally, the others had caught up as well, and Ty was the first to jump at Anders and hug him so hard he almost squeezed all air out of him. “Man, that is so great!” He was practically bouncing. “How did you do that!”  
It was a rhetorical question, of course, but Anders never let a chance to be cocky pass him by.  
“Well, I kind of put my dick into her and...”  
“Too much information!” Axl yelled as he hurried towards him. “Jesus fucking Christ in a bottle, Anders!” This time, Anders was sure he heard something crack when Axl hugged him and lifted him as if he was a ragdoll.

What followed was a chorus of congratulations and cheers and hugs and when things had finally calmed down again, Anders rolled his shoulders, wondering if he’d have bruises on his back from all the brotherly slaps. Mike quickly handed out more drinks and said a toast to the new generation of Johnsons, and everyone hailed and cheered until both Anders and Gaia were so flustered they didn’t know where to look anymore. 

When the noise had finally died down again, Olaf was the first to get serious again. “Right... as much as I think we should be properly celebrating the new addition to the family...”  
“It isn’t even born yet, Olaf,” Stacey said.  
“It’s still an addition to the family, isn’t it? Or he. Or she. Anyway.” He looked around. “I somehow think we have just one reason more to try and make this city a safer place.”

“Oh yes,” Ty said, his voice darker than usual. “We gotta catch that monster, the sooner, the better. We have a family to protect.”  
Olaf opened his mouth to say something but faltered when he realised his breath was fogging. “Fancy that,” he said instead, looking at the dissipating cloud. “The gods are back for this one, hm?”  
“Let’s go.” Axl got up and cracked his knuckles. “You don’t let your gods wait.”

“Alright.” Mike walked around the bar and gave each of his brothers a nod. “In the car, everyone.”  
“Almighty Johnsons, to the rescue!” Axl jumped up and thrust a fist in the air.  
Anders burst out laughing. “The almighty Johnsons! Someone should make a movie or a television show with that name!”  
“Come on,” Mike said with a grin. “As if anyone would watch that crap.”  
“What?” Anders grinned. “About Norse gods being reincarnated in New Zealand? I’d watch the shit out of that!”  
“Get in the car, Anders.” Mike shook his head with a grin.  
“To the Johnson Mobile,” Olaf yelled and was out of the door, followed by Axl.

“Anders...” Gaia stood up and rested her hands on his shoulders. She then cupped his cheeks and kissed him. “Take care, yes? Promise me you’ll be careful.”  
“I promise.” He took both her hands in his and kissed his fingers. “We don’t even know if we can find him, and if we really do, then I’ll be as careful as I can. I’ll be as wary as a cat in a rocking chair factory.”  
Gaia kissed him again with a smile and stepped back. “Take care.”  
“Promised.”

Anders followed the others, and once everyone had crammed into Mike’s car, Olaf asked: “And where are we going?”  
“I have a plan,” Mike said.  
“He has a plan.” Olaf leaned back. “Very good.”

Mike’s plan, as it turned out, was to bring Anders back into the park deck where he had had his run-in with the fiend a little more than a year ago. Anders understood what he was trying to do and positioned himself in front of the concrete pillar and crossed his arms. Then he closed his eyes and tried to summon back memories he had done his best to banish. He felt Mike’s hand on his back. 

Nothing happened. Anders opened his eyes and stared across the darkness of the parking deck and at forced his mind to relive the memories; the scream and the look of the brute of a man as he had spun around, as he had come for him... He tensed and felt Mike’s fingers close around his shoulder. 

And then suddenly the dam burst, and he could see and hear him and even smell the stench of unwashed body and manky hair and hear the heavy breaths, and he could feel the woman’s hand in his and the panic as he ran... Mike’s hand closed tighter around his shoulder.  
And then he felt something else, another presence, as if someone else was standing close to him and touching him as well; it was strangely disconcerting and calming at the same time. He saw the black clad figure gain, felt even in his memory the twitch in his legs as if they were trying to run on their own accord, heard the steps of a man behind him with a knife in his hand... He staggered back with a gasp but Mike had his arm around him the same moment. 

“You okay?” Mike asked him, worriedly searching his eyes.  
Anders nodded after taking a deep breath. “Yeah, I... think so.” He ran both hands through his hair and then looked up at Mike. “Did it... did it work?”  
Mike’s answering smile was all he needed to know.  
“Great. Let’s get that bastard.”

They got into the car again, but there were no more jokes, only a strained and anxious silence. They drove for about ten minutes before Mike parked the car again and they followed him as silently as they could. The streets were empty and dark, the silence heavy and foreboding. 

“Over there," Mike whispered.

Ducked behind some parked cars, they strained their eyes to follow Mike’s pointing finger. And then they saw him, a large bulky guy, his face covered by a balaclava, hiding behind a large container filled with building rubble standing next to a house under renovation. 

“There he is,” Mike said under his breath. “Over to you, Anders.”  
Anders took a deep breath and adjusted his tie. “You know what? I’m fucking scared.”  
Mike had his hand on his shoulder, and Ty touched his arm. Behind him, Anders could feel the presence of Olaf and Axl. He took a deep breath.  
“We’ll be right behind you,” Axl whispered and touched his shoulders.

Anders got up, straightened his jacket with a twitch of his head, and slowly crossed the street, but by now there was no hiding anymore. He stepped into the light of a street lamp and could see the fiend trying to vanish around a corner. After one last deep breath and prayer to Bragi to not abandon him now, he called out to him. 

Even before he had spoken the first syllable, he felt it. That feeling of invincibility flowing through him and rolling off his tongue as effortlessly as breathing. 

He did not waste time being suggestive or inconspicuous. “Stop!”  
And the fiend stopped.  
“Do not turn around. Listen to me and do as I say.”  
A slow nod was the fiend’s only reply.  
“You will stop the killing. You will never attack anyone again. You will go to the police and turn yourself in and tell them that you are the Auckland Fiend. You will answer all their questions truthfully. And as soon as you have stepped through the door of the police station, you will forget that I ever talked to you. You will forget me. You will only remember that you have to end the killing. Go.”

The black-clad figure nodded, removed the knitted balaclava and without turning around to look at the source of the voice he started to walk away. 

Moments later, Anders was surrounded by his brothers and gladly accepted the fierce embrace because he was seriously weak in the knees now and wasn’t sure that he could have kept himself upright on his own at that moment. He got himself under control again when they let go of him.

“Fuck yes,” Axl said with a fist pump. “You did it!”  
“Seems like I did,” Anders replied. “But I didn’t do all the work alone.”

His eyes then met Mike’s, and for a long moment, the two brothers looked at each other. 

“Neither of us could have done this without the other,” Anders said without breaking the gaze.

Mike held out his hand to him, and Anders slowly lifted his own hand and took it. They closed their hands around the base of each other’s thumbs in a firm grip and when they let go again, they bore matching smiles. There was acceptance, forgiveness, and the satisfaction of a job well done.

* * *

As soon as they entered the bar Gaia threw herself at Anders who closed his arms around her with a relieved little laugh.

“Are you okay, Anders?” She leaned back and looked at him. “Did it turn out all right?”  
“More than okay, babe. It’ll be all over the news tomorrow. The almighty Johnsons saved the day... sadly, no one will ever know.”  
“That’s the fate of superheroes,” Gaia said with a smile and placed a kiss onto his lips. “Keeping watch over the city so the people can sleep in peace.”

“Knight in Shining Armour Anders Johnson, at your service,” Anders said with a crooked smile before he pulled her close into a kiss. 

“Get a fucking room you two!” Olaf yelled, but Anders flipped him a bird without interrupting what he was doing.


	33. Epilogue - But sweetness follows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments and kudos! It's been quite a ride and it wouldn't have been half as much fun without you all!

* * *

With Gaia’s advancing pregnancy, and as she began to show, Anders mutated into a griffin made from a watchdog and a mother hen. It was as annoying as it was endearing to her, and as exasperating as his attempts at helping her when she needed no help whatsoever were, Anders bristling with anger and going at someone topping him by five inch and outweighing him by fifty pounds, who had happened to bump into her in the mall, was a sight to behold.

Unbeknownst to Anders, Gaia had made her own preparations for the birth, other than packing a bag and getting everything ready in the nursery. She knew him, after all, and she had agreed on a keyword with Mike (just in case things had to happen in a hurry), that she would text him when she would go into labour, so that Mike, in turn, could gather his brothers and join them to be there for Anders. He would need the support, and Gaia wasn’t sure if he’d be able to ask for it in the state he would likely be in.

So when the day finally came, and once Gaia was sure what she was experiencing weren’t Braxton-Higgs contractions but that she was actually going into labour, the first thing she did was send Mike a text with the keyword even before she told Anders it was time to go. 

Anders was very calm and very composed as he threw the bag into the boot and helped Gaia into the car; so calm, in fact, that Gaia was a little worried. He looked and acted as if he was running on full autopilot. She was extremely relieved to see all three of Anders’s brothers waiting for them next to the main entrance.

“What are you doing here?” Anders asked as he opened the boot.  
“Back up,” Mike said, simultaneously with Ty saying: “Moral support.”  
“We’re the roadies,” Axl added with a grin as he took the bag out of Anders’s hands. “Gimme that.”  
Anders turned towards Gaia, and she could see his facade of calm composure begin to crack.  
“I arranged for them to be here,” Gaia said and placed a hand on his cheek. “I wanted to make sure you have someone to look after you.”  
“I don’t need looking after,” Anders said.  
“Maybe not.” She smiled at him. “But you’ll feel better for it.”  
Anders finally looked up at his brothers with a sheepish little smile. “I’ll probably do,” he said.

* * *

As much as it pained him, and as ashamed as he felt about it, neither Gaia nor Anders had been in doubt about the fact that it would be no good idea to have Anders in the delivery room once things got going for real. There was no denying that Anders was as bad with other bodily fluids as he was with blood, and apart from that, he ground his teeth so hard every time Gaia moaned in pain under a contraction that it was audible despite the noises she made. 

He made a point of it when he almost puked all over himself as Gaia’s waters broke – and by that time her contractions had been so strong each and every one of them had brought tears to his eyes and he wasn’t even experiencing them – that the midwifes asked him friendly but firmly to leave as no one had any energy to spare to care for a fainting husband during a birth. He left, mildly reassured by the friendly midwife that he wasn’t the first and would doubtlessly not be the last man to be thrown out of the delivery room. Gaia kissed him and told him not to worry too much.

“I know you want to help,” she said, already somewhat breathless from exertion. “But you can’t help me. Let your brothers take care of you for now, and once I’m home... She closed her eyes. “Once I’m home you can... help me... tons.” She slowly doubled over with a loud, unchecked moan. Anders quickly took her hands to steady her, and when she straightened up again, she smiled, ran a hand through his hair and placed a small kiss onto his lips. “I’ll be fine. I’m in good hands.”

And now he was pacing up and down in the waiting area, unable to sit still for even a second. A younger nurse, probably one in training, had taken one look at them and supplied them with coffee strong enough to defend itself against anything, and now there was nothing left but to wait.

“It’s a good thing Anders doesn’t smoke,” Mike said at one point with a small smile. “We’d be wading knee-deep in butt ends if he was.”  
Anders stopped his pacing and his angry glare turned into an apologetic smile upon seeing his brother’s facial expression. He let himself drop into the seat beside him. “Fuck yeah... I know,” he said, his voice unsteady. “I still can’t believe this is...” His voice broke and he had to clear his throat repeatedly. “...this is happening to me.”

Before anyone could think of a reply, they were approached by a tired looking but smiling midwife.

“Mr Johnson?” She asked.  
All four of them got up and automatically answered “Yes?” only to exchange a few embarrassed looks as the midwife stared at them in utter confusion.  
“This one,” Ty said and gave Anders a little shove. 

The midwife’s smile widened a little as she rested her eyes on Anders who looked as if he was about to faint. “Congratulations,” she said. “Everything went well, and mother and child are fine. You can come in and see them.”

Anders followed her on unsteady legs while behind him, his brothers grinned like idiots and Axl fist pumped repeatedly.

Gaia was visibly exhausted and her hair was still moist, curling around her face the way it usually did when she didn’t brush it straight after showering. Her smile was radiant, however, and her eyes shone with a light Anders had never seen before. 

“Hey,” she whispered.  
“Hey,” he whispered back and carefully lowered himself down onto the bed beside her. 

She was curled around a small, wrapped bundle, and when she now lifted her blanket, Anders could not tear his eyes away from what he saw. That tiny, crumpled face was in no way either beautiful or sweet, but at the sight of it his heart broke into a million pieces. Gaia smiled knowingly up at him and reached out to take one of his hands, and their fingers entwined as they both looked at the face of their newborn child.

Gaia and the baby needed rest, and Anders soon had to leave them again, and as he was heading back towards the waiting area he had no clue how he managed to remain upright. He reached his brothers who all got up and looked at him expectantly, and after a few false attempts at speaking, he finally managed to croak: “It’s a girl...” before he unceremoniously burst into tears. 

He was immediately surrounded by all three of his brothers; there were no words, no jokes, no reprimanding, just a silent, strong embrace of support to keep him grounded and Anders had never been so grateful for their presence in his whole life.

* * *

The party following the baptism of by then eight week old Emily Johnson was less of a private affair than the actual ceremony, and as with the wedding, the Johnsons had organized a large barbecue, but with less music this time. 

Right after arriving, Anders’s brothers had hidden in one of the spare bedrooms, to Anders’s and Gaia’s bemusement, and as they came racing down the stairs again, they all wore identical, garish blue T-shirts that they presented with proud and silly grins. They all had the same print in large, bold, white letters: _World’s Best Uncle_. And just as Anders was shaking his head with grin, Axl held up another one. It was so tiny it might have been for a doll, it was pink, and the print said: _World’s Best Niece_.

Gaia handed Anders the baby with a laugh and took the tiny shirt before giving each of them a hug. Then she sat down on the grass under the tree, had Anders put the baby down beside her and proceeded to give her the shirt on. Emily remained indifferent, even when she was handed to Axl before Mike and Ty flanked him for a photo. All three of them grinned like idiots while Emily just blew a few thoughtful spit bubbles. 

Gaia unwrapped a few more gifts while Anders walked a round through the garden, Emily resting in the crook of his arm. She took being handed from arm to arm and being cooed and crooned at like a pro.  
After the first time he had held her, when he had been too afraid to even breathe, he had by now adapted well to doing all sorts of things one-handed and handled the baby with an ease he had never imagined possible. That ease served him well now, when Uncle Axl handed her back to him with the comment that she smelled a little ripe. Seeing as Gaia and Dawn were still excitedly admiring whatever it was she had just unpacked, Anders took the baby and, resigning to his fate, carried her inside and upstairs. 

It was when he came down again that he heard Gaia’s voice, and immediately became worried because she sounded very angry. She was, in fact, arguing with someone standing on the other side of the gate in the white picket fence surrounding the garden.

“I don’t give a shit about family connections. You are not coming in here.”  
“Please, girl...” 

The voice made Anders’s skin crawl. It made him want to hide and it simultaneously made him want to go and beat the owner of that voice into a bloody pulp. He forced both feelings down and slowly, stepped out through the veranda door into the garden. He had a look around, and Mike looked up and met his eyes.

Slowly, Anders walked up behind Gaia; she was furiously glaring at Johann who had his arms crossed with as mildly amused expression.

“Son!” he said as he spotted Anders. “What the fuck is going on? I’m out of town for a couple of years and when I come back you’re married to your little brother’s girlfriend? What is wrong with you? You’re twelve years her senior!”  
“I fail to see why that is any of your business,” Anders said flatly.  
“And she has quite a tongue on her too,” Johann said with a dry chuckle. “Seems to have you trained and neutered like a dog. You used to have more spirit. But then she’s quite the looker as well, so...”  
Anders stepped beside Gaia, but still half turned away from him, unconsciously shielding his daughter from Johann’s eyes. “Spirit? Like when I tried to stop you from smashing the furniture and you kicked me down two flights of stairs?”  
“Come on...” Johann rubbed the back of his neck. “I was drunk, you know. I’m really sorry that happened.”  
“You could have killed him!” Gaia spat.  
“Well, I didn’t, did I?” Johann smiled soothingly. “And I’m really sorry, so...”  
“So?”

Johann craned his neck. “So, I come back to town and hear from old friends that quite a few things have been going on.” He smiles at Anders. “To be honest, you were the last of my offspring I ever expected to find married and settled upon coming back.”  
“Stranger things have happened.”  
“Yes,” Johann laughed. “But not many!”

When his attempt of a joke fell onto barren ground, Johann’s smile vanished. “Come on, Anders. I really...

Whatever he had meant to say was drowned out by a roar of fury coming from somewhere back in the garden. Moments later, Axl came striding towards the fence so forcefully he kicked up small bits of earth with each step. Thankfully, Ty and Mike instantly reacted and both of them grabbed one of Axl’s arms to keep him from shattering the fence in his attempt to get at Johann. 

“I kill you!” Axl was giving his brothers a hard time restraining him. “You fucking bloody asshole! I kill you!”  
“Axl!” Gaia rested a hand against his chest. “Get your shit together!”  
Axl exhaled sharply but relaxed, and Mike and Ty cautiously released him.  
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Johann said, looking back and forth between his sons. “What the fuck brought that on?”  
“The fact that I found out what a sorry asshole you are!” Axl clenched his fists. “And that you almost killed Anders!”  
“It was an accident!”

“Stop it, both of you,” Anders cut in. Then he slowly turned to face Johann again. “The fuck do you want here?”  
“What I want?” Johann spread his arms with a shaky chuckle. “Son, I got the news I have a grandchild! I just want to have a look at him!”  
“Her.”  
“What?”  
“It’s a girl, you dick. You have a granddaughter. Anything else?”  
“You’re not even going to let me see her?”

Anders stared at him for a moment before he finally turned fully towards him. “Fine.” He took a small step towards the fence. “Here is your granddaughter.”  
“And what a sweetheart she is,” Johann crooned and reached for her.  
“And if you touch her,” Anders said, voice flat and cold, and Johann’s hand froze in mid-air, “I will break your neck.”  
Johan lowered his hand and looked slowly up at Anders.  
Anders looked back, face unmoving. “I mean it. You touch her, and I kill you. You go anywhere near her, and I kill you. You so much as talk to her, I kill you.”  
“Listen to you.” Johann took a small step back and hooked his thumbs into his belt. “As if you little runt could do anything of the sort.”

Anders closed his eyes for a second, and when he looked at Johann again, their colour had turned from midsummer sky into the bottomless, icy coldness of a glacier. “Try me.”

Johann took another step back. “Jesus fucking Christ, keep your...”  
“Fuck off,” Mike cut in. “Fuck off, Johann, and leave us alone. And if I ever see you in Auckland again, I’ll let Axl off the leash, you got me?”

Johan shot a dark look at each of his sons, but every time he only received the same cold and threatening stare. He finally rolled his shoulders, shook his head and turned around without another word. He got into a battered car that had seen better days a long time ago, and only once he was out of sight and out of hearing range did Anders relax. Then he slowly walked towards the tree and sat down in the grass.

Gaia knelt down before him as he drew up his legs and rested the baby on his thighs with her head in his cupped hands. “Are you okay?”  
Anders looked up with a watery little smile. “I guess.” Then his eyes wandered back to the face of his daughter. “I just... I couldn’t stand the thought of him touching her in any way. I just...” He looked up again. “Was that too cruel?”  
“No,” Mike answered instead of Gaia as he lowered himself down onto the grass beside her. “I would have done the same, Anders.”

Axl and Ty joined them, and as Ty cooed at the baby Axl leaned over and said to her: “You know, you don’t need to worry about anything. You don’t have to be scared. You’ve got a whole clan of Johnsons to take care of you.”  
Anders looked up, and the usual slightly mischievous glint was back in his eyes. “That’s what worries me.”

They burst all into laughter, the ice finally broken; and great-grandfather Olaf came over with a few more drinks.


End file.
